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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I realise this may be petty compared to other posters problems but it has really upset me

33 replies

cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 10:01

I met my chap a year ago today, leading up to Christmas life was peachy and we got along brilliantly but recently this seems to have totally changed.
Prior to this I have been single for 6 years after leaving an abusive relationship.
A couple of weeks ago we had a bit of a falling out but we got through it. Yesterday he was coming round for dinner after his shift. I was cooking a meal in celebration of us having made the one year mark, a bit too early as it turns out.
He had suggested that we go on holiday later on in the year for a week abroad(this discussion took place in Jan)and I was a little cautious as I havent been on holiday with a partner for more than 15years. So he suggested maybe just going for a couple of days, I said no no lets make it a week. Recently he has come round more to the idea of us going away for a whole week so I have been getting really excited and planning things ready for us to book at the end of May. Any thing we have chatted about has been based on us going away for a week.
Well last night he said that he has changed his mind and we should just go away for a couple of days, I have arranged child care for a week, etc so I got a bit uppity and said well I am still going away for a week even if I have to go on my own, there was some stony silence and he then asked if I wanted him to go, to which I replied I dont know( I really didnt as I was so mad at him and there was dinner cooking) As a result he stormed out, slamming the door and waking my dd up
He then called me asking if he should drop my stuff round( a dressing gown i had left at his)to which I said that I was mad and that I didnt think that now was such a good time, so he put the phone down on me.
I am upset as to me it shows how little he thinks of me to just storm out like that when I had gone to such an effort for the evening and now am not sure where I stand ?

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 08/05/2009 10:23

i think the fact he stormed out maybe it feels mixed messages i think you were both slightly in the wrong

he was accepting your reasons for only wanting to go for few days but you didnt question him on his maybe he is worried etc and then you said your going away on your own if you have to and then said you didnt know if you wanted him there

maybe you should have questioned why he wanted it to be few days now and then you may have been able to settle his mind

and even if i was mad i would have still said of course i want you there

maybe you need to talk about how you both feel and be mature about it it sounded quite childish on both parts not being horrible to either one of you but you both acted silly and its not just him to blame he probably felt like he didnt want to be there after you saying you didnt know if you wanted hi to go or not

i dont think it shows how little he feels for you otherwise same could be said with your comment made to him that didnt make him feel wanted im sure

you need to talk find out where you are and what you both want and come to a decision

junglist1 · 08/05/2009 10:26

I don't get how you saying i'm going for a week anyway can lead to him asking if he should go? If he knew he'd upset you why didn't he stay and communicate? You're right, it wasn't very nice. Does he usually storm off rather than talk it out?

bubblagirl · 08/05/2009 10:29

she had said im going for a week even if i go on my own

that would make me wonder if im still wanted to go

bubblagirl · 08/05/2009 10:30

it would have been better to ask why he wanted to go for a few days instead of a week he may be feeling anxious

Original poster
cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 10:32

thanks for replying, he is not very good at showing his feelings or communicating. The impression I got was that he only wanted us to go away for a few days because originally I had said I wasn't sure about a week, so I think it was a male pride thing. After I had had time to think about it I realised that a week away would be wonderful and told him so. I thought he had changed his mind to want to go away for a week as he hadnt mentioned anything when I kept saying to him about the prices for a week

OP posts:
CreativeZen · 08/05/2009 10:32

Actually I can see why he would ask if you wanted him to go as you'd just said you were going for a week even if you had to go alone. If he is feeling at all insecure, he would have read that as "I want to go by myself". When you said you didn't know if you wanted him to go (another slap in the face), I can understand why he would walk out.

Sure, he should perhaps have stayed and discussed this with you, but he must have been really upset.

You need to talk about it calmly.

bubblagirl · 08/05/2009 10:39

but maybe the more he thought about it he became anxious maybe just reassure him that you do want to go and would like to go for a week together unless you genuinely have this love hate relationship and fall out often if thats the case id be worried about a week too as id want the time to run smooth and sometimes a week could be too long

if you genuinely get on well and really communicate then a talk would be needed now as a weeks holiday is a big step and maybe his worried about taking it and reassurance is needed

Original poster
cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 10:43

sorry if I am babbling - the fact that he said he didnt want to go away for a week made me think that maybe he didnt want to go at all.
I havent had a holiday for years so have been saving up for months and months which is why I suppose I am determined to go for a week, as I have already organised the child care etc
I think we do need to talk but he is ignoring my good morning text at the moment.
I agree though I think we both did let it get out of hand when there was no need to.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 10:47

we dont usually fall out but this is the second time in a couple of weeks. Usually any time we spend together is very good and we enjoy each others company which is why I thought a week would be good.
I have just been thinking of maybe sending him a text saying that I think we both let it get out of hand last night when it didnt need to so I apologise if I upset you

OP posts:
ChocFridgeCake · 08/05/2009 10:48

I think you are right about his male pride

I think the latest suggestion of a few days is either him testing you

OR

He was doing what I call "prodding the spider" ie pushing a sleeping issue just for effect.

If it's the second it'll probably be that he's annoyed about something totally different (have you passed him over in favour of a night out with friends or something recently?) but is unable to communicate this to you because he knows it sounds unreasonable.

If he's generally a nice guy and you don't have many other issues I would be inclined to ring him and say you're sorry you have fallen out, you are really looking forward to a week away and thought the matter was settled, hence your disappointment at his about-turn. See if he is willing to work with you and offer an apology in return.

If he is sometimes an arsy sod and you know he's being awkard with you then I would be inclined to NOT contact him and be businesslike when he rings you, because it is setting boundaries that he can't play with your feelings/arrangements like that and you will just roll with it.

Original poster
cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 10:54

I definately haven't upset him but he can be a moody buggar which is what caused the argument the other week as I told him that I wouldnt put up with him being off with me just because he was tired(he works shifts)

OP posts:
ChocFridgeCake · 08/05/2009 10:54

I also want to add that it's so important that you start as you mean to go on ESPECIALLY in the early days of a relationship. It's often the first few weeks/months that set the tone of the relationship. So don't put up with behaviour that makes you unhappy. Set those boundaries!

ChocFridgeCake · 08/05/2009 10:58

X posts

In that case I would be inclined to not contact him, especially as he as ignored your text.

Whatever you do DON'T send another one if he can't respond to the first!!

Put it out of your mind (try to) and he should contact you in a matter of hours if not the next few days.

If he doesn't then honestly he can't have been too bothered about you in the first place. If he wants you he knows where to find you.

SausageRoleModel · 08/05/2009 11:01

a few years ago I started a rel with a new man (- I was also not long out of an abusive relationship). The first time we went away on holiday (after a year of only seeing each other for weekends) we ended up having a massive argument on the way there - half way down the M4.

I was convinced that our week away was going to be disastrous because after he found out what I was really like (i.e. not smily and happy and bubbly all the time), he wouldn't want to continue the relationship. I went on the defensive, pretty much telling him the rel. was over before he had a chance to respond. He was shocked (and pissed off and hurt as he thought he was being dumped/downgraded) and said if that was the way I felt then maybe we should just end it there and then. I took this to mean that he wasn't that serious about me after all, so the argument escalated, as this played right into my insecurities, and we were a fag paper away from finishing the whole thing.

However, we kept talking and (eventually, in a little chef somewhere near Wales) realised that we were both insecure about the other's feelings as our own feelings were quite strong and neither wanted to get hurt. We managed to get over ourselves a bit and continued the holiday.

Well, in January we celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary and our we have a LO who is 5 months old. We still have our ups and downs, but you are not the first couple to be hit by the "first holiday" spectre. All of a sudden there is a pressure and a fear that you are taking a "next step" but if you don't both feel the same way then one of you could get badly hurt.

I just wanted to tell you that it (hopefully), is just a wobble like we had together. Keep talking.

Original poster
cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 11:04

thanks and I have just realised that the original text hasn't been delivered which could be why he hasn't replied. So do I send it again or apolgise, I think I was being a bit stubborn last night as I was soooooooooooo looking forward to a week in the sun with him

OP posts:
Original poster
cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 11:07

Sausagerolemodel I think you have just hit the nail on the head ! He is quite insecure as his soon to be x wife cheated on him, they hadnt been married two years when that happened and it would have been their three year anniversary this sunday, he is not very forthcoming about telling me how he feels about me even though I took the plunge a couple of months ago and told him that I was in love with him

OP posts:
ChocFridgeCake · 08/05/2009 11:09

Send it again but say maybe "good morning, sorry we fell out. ring me and we'll talk about it" (then he must ring you IYSWIM).

Original poster
cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 11:15

thanks for all your good advice,you have all made me feel alot calmer. I may post later and let you all know how it goes. It would seem a shame if it is all finished so hopefully we can talk and try to sort things

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 08/05/2009 11:20

" I got a bit uppity and said well I am still going away for a week even if I have to go on my own,"

Well they you are then. That sounds like a bit of an overreaction to a disappointment. And then to say you weren't sure you wanted him to go with you at all

Storming out was childish but if you don't know where you stand, I am quite sure he doesn''t!

SausageRoleModel · 08/05/2009 11:26

Hadn't realised you had both had relatively recent emotionally trying times (that is a euphemism - I don't intend to downplay abuse) with exP's - definitely rings of insecurities on both sides, but the good thing is that if that;s the case it is easily fixable. Good luck

Overmydeadbody · 08/05/2009 11:27

I second sending the text ChocFridgeCake suggested.

Original poster
cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 11:28

thanks

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 08/05/2009 11:35

there is an element of self-fulfilling prophecy about this - my sis did this to her new bloke after her H ran off with another woman - every little upsest, she escalated it to a "well we might as well just finish now then, you clearly don't care about my feelings at all" - thankfully her bloke was far more resilient than yours seems to be and took it all with a pinch of salt.

He has insecurities, you have insecurities, you both triggered each other's in that discussion and it got well out of hand because both of you started back-tracking so fast so as not to be the "hurt" one, that you both dropped the relationship with both hands in the middle of the road!

I hope you manage to resolve this and can I suggest you do it with real honesty i.e. tell him you were disappointed that he had changed from a week to 2 days and that you FELT that he didn't want to spend that much time with you; so you reacted badly out of hurt and disappointment. And OF COURSE you want him on the holiday but you would like to make the most of your time off. Can't you compromise on 4 days or something?

Original poster
cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 12:07

how about - hi I hope you're having a good day. I'm sorry for the way I behaved last night, I was disappointed that you didn't want to go away for a whole week after I had done so much planning . I think we should have a chat as it would be a shame to let this spoil things. What do you think ?

OP posts:
Original poster
cheltenhamgal · 08/05/2009 12:23

Thumbwitch, from the research I had been doing it looked as if it would be more expensive to go for less than a week, the only other option would be to maybe go for a city break and not a beach holiday.

OP posts: