I'm not sure how I feel about you...but I'm lonely.

[idontlikethisperson]

Do all men who leave their families come up with the same spiel (sp)?

Just wondering as I'm reading the threads that you've all written and it seems a common theme - the H leaves because he is "no longer in love", moves out, causes terrible emotional turmoil, then a few months later has a sort of breakthrough moment and realises how lonely they are without the wife and kids, BUT doesn't necessarily want to come back and make it work.

Is it me or is it because
A) they've had a taste of the single life and they like it, but not as much as they thought, but don't want to fully admit
B) have no idea how to handle their feelings
C) are seriously emotionally immature
D) are SELFISH
e) are full of guilt because they don't want to be seen as someone who's left their family (but have)
F) as much as they don;t want their wife, they don't want anyone else to have them either - so they are always there for them just in case?

Why does this seem to be a common thread amongst men? (I am experiencing this too, although my H has told me he's lonely and misses being without DD, but we're "just not suited" ((Or something like that, even after being together for 11 years!))

Just a thought?

I think its a mixture of all the reasons you have listed.

It does seem very common for them all to go down the same route and follow the same patterns. On the 'husband left me sunday' thread most of our husbands are demonstrating the same behaviour and we are all at different stages.

My h has been the same misses the chats we used to have and confiding in me, misses the dc but dont want to come back. Kept me hanging like this for the past 5 months. Had the 'I love you but in what way I dont know anymore' etc all the usual stuff.

Hope it all works out for you.

C and D mainly, maybe F. No longer in love eh? Men are conditioned to think that love is about desire, passion etc, and that it's OK to play around when bored, IMO. But when a woman has these feelings she's subhuman, she should put family first regardless of what her inner self is telling her. Look at the scorn poured on women who leave their families as an example, when a man leaves there's a different attitude

junglist, "men are conditioned... to play around when bored." I was going to write a long rebuttal to that but... bullshit. Roughly the same number of women as men have affairs - source.

You are right in saying there is a difference in perception about men versus women leaving the family. That is (in my opinion) largely driven by the assumption that when a relationship breaks down, the children will stay with the mother. often in the marital home. So the father has to move out, regardless of the reasons for the breakdown of the relationship.

Finally, mumsnet is, by its very nature, predominantly women. When a female member of mumsnet decides that her marriage is over, and/or has had an affair, it's announced very differently (if at all) than when a female member's DP is the one who's decided to leave and/or has had an affair.

I'm not denigrating the pain and distress that relationship break-downs cause, but it's much more complex than an "aren't men immature shits?" thing.

But it's more accepted for men to play away, by other men mainly. Women do have affairs and they are just as selfish IMO.

"But it's more accepted for men to play away, by other men mainly".

Not by this man it isn't. And I seriously doubt that it would be by any of my friends either, particularly if there are children involved.

Any other sweeping generalisations you want to throw out there?

"Not by this man it isn't. And I seriously doubt that it would be by any of my friends either, particularly if there are children involved. "

I don't usually involve myself in things like this but this has bugged me a little.

Snorbs - you say above. Not by you and your friends - which is great.

But you and your friends doesn't = all (or even most)men. That's your experience.

The OP's experience is just as valid.

So you can't really accuse anyone of generalisations as you have just made one yourself.

I think in a lot of cases 'I'm lonely' means 'I don't want to have to do my own laundry, cooking and cleaning. Whhhyyyyyyyy can't I come back and take advantage of your domestic servicing while still shagging other people?'

I have a feeling you may be right solid

The wanting cake and eating it scenario springs to mind..

Solidgold! - I remember thinking that when ex wanted back...

or it could mean that since you've had that baby, you've done nothing but be with the baby and I'm not getting any loving or sex or cuddles or affection and I miss it. A lot.

Think that's a valid male concern tbh.

i have to say i agree that this is mostly a womens site and therefore everyone is far more likely to jump on the "arent all men bastards" bandwagon.

I think it goes both ways, women are just as likely to have affairs or ruin a marriage - why do men get all the blame??

If you think a bloke is going to be a bit of a tit and unfaithful then dont marry the fucker.

Fwiw i have left 3 partners and not one of them did the dirty on me.

Who said all men are bastards? Surely it hasn't escaped many people's notice but many men who walk out on their families aren't replete with marvellous qualities. I'm talking about the ones who choose to leave here.

"If you think a bloke is going to be a bit of a tit and unfaithful then dont marry the fucker. "

allgonebellyup. Bit tricky, that one, if you aren't clairvoyant.

"or it could mean that since you've had that baby, you've done nothing but be with the baby and I'm not getting any loving or sex or cuddles or affection and I miss it. A lot."

Not sure where you've got that one from foxinsocks. Nothing about babies in the OP?

OK sometimes people have valid reasons for leaving a relationship. And when one person is bitterly unhappy in the relationship and wants to leave, there is nothing the other person can do to maintain that relationship. And sometimes people have bought into the idea of compulsory monogamy and found out too late that they are simply not monogamous: they are genuinely perfectly capable of loving more than one person, but unfortunately they have picked at least one very monogamous person as a partner, so someone's going to be miserable whatever happens.
But, as I said, in a lot of cases when it's the bloke who walks out then whines to come back, it's not the individual woman he's missing, it's the domestic servicing.

solidgold, excellent posts as ever, I thoroughly agree with you.

Hello sorry just caught up with all this....

I'm sorry if I've just sparked a bit of a heated debate.

If I clarify - what I mean is - in the cases of i.e. my husband has left me thread, and indeed my own, when a H leaves the family situation - there seems to be a common thread (I'm really sorry if this doesn't make much sense, have a toddler hanging round me and Cbeebies on, so an chance of an intellectual conversation is out of the window). It just seems to be common amongst the cases where all of a sudden the man decides he can take it and leaves?

I do agree that if a woman was to leave the family, it would be considered much worse - but maybe that is something to do with the fact that generally, IMO, when women have children, they form such a strong bond and attachment and generally are the main caregivers, that they couldn't imagine leaving their LO's. Plus in my experience, I matured a lot quicker when my DD was born, my H, not so. So I became the "responsible" one. And accept that my life isn't going to be all carefree, pleasing yourself and fun with children.

TBH though, what annoys me most is the fact that so much upset is caused and then all of a sudden they realise that the grass is not greener (unless you have suffered terribly in a relationship and to leave is a great relief).

Perhaps it's because it's almost acceptable for men to go off, realise this, come back and it be all okay? Whereas I suppose for a woman (or the other half who is left behind with the LO's), that option isn't there, you have to carry on, you don't get chance to experience whatever you need to get this second chance perspective, you're just left to clean up the mess and raise the LO's?

I don't know, I don't think I have conveyed that at all well....

That really doesn't make sense, I'm sorry

I'm tired and off to eat chocolate!

I think you have conveyed it well and I think what it's about is (and yes, here I am with my hobby horse again) male privilege. There are hundreds of years of it being Ok and acceptable for men to impregnate and dump women, while they go off and do Important Stuff, and then come back to be fed and washed and maybe given sex again - and some people, of all genders, still haven't quite got over that viewpoint.

Hi solid

My mum always says it's a man's world, and in some ways that is true.

For example: I'm left raising a 2.5yr old toddler, sorting out benefits, worrying about my future, extreme stress, depression etc, no lie ins for me, occasional timn off for me, just looking after my DD, worrying about the bills, stressed, tired etc....

For my H the responsibility of providing maintenance and working etc is still there, but he gets to go off, live on his own, do his own thing, come and get his DD on pre-arranged visits or when he has days off, but gets to go home, sleep uninterrupted at nights, have a lie-in, go out to the cinema, go down the pub whatever night he fancies (because he doesn't have to arrange babysitting).

Now is it me or is that extremely unfair? IMO I didn't enter into marriage to be left to raise my DD on my own, because things got tough? I might be viewing it all black and white here, but when your H then says how much they miss their DD and are lonely - it does take the biscuit!

It is a mans world, they can leave and do this (and I'm not saying some women don't do it too). I find this behaviour extemely selfish.

However I guess from these situations you learn, and I'm learning to be selfish too, and dictate MY time etc.

I just feel it's all too common amongst some men and women, who perhaps get this ideal of what life should be like, or how women should be, or how everything should fun and games and easy going? How raising children shouldn't be hard. How money shouldn't be tight. Media, the world around, I feel can make us feel inadequate with our lives, with what we've got, with how we view things. Years ago, the family was what everyone clung to. But now, there is sooooo much out there that some people find it difficult to be content.

I don't know, rant over

I don't know how a woman could leave her dc but I do understand why a woman could have an affair if she was unhappy in her marriage. If she took her dc with her I could get it but if she left her kids and her dh I would be and I wouldn't careif that is sexist a sI feel a bit sorry for men that they don't have the maternal bond that us girls do. poor fuckers.

I just went out for the night and while I had a great time I was aching to get back to dd at the end of it. I would hate to be like some men and not give a toss if I left my kids even if it meant that I could go out all night. I'd hate to feel so disconected from my own flesh and blood. Girls- we should pity them not resent them.
I do agree that it's a man's world in some ways though and that there are multiple double standards.

I know, I guess for my H he does love his DD terribly (but not enough to try to make things work). Hence why he misses her so much and does try to see her whenever he can.

Perhaps that is why I am so angry about the situation?!?!?!? (because he doesn't want to make it work?!)

Perhaps I also feel annoyed at having being left with a huge responsibility. It's not easy and I never found parenthood easy to start with!

However, I can't understand men or women, like you say posh, who leave their kids and ccarry on as if nothings happened. Heartless.

Now my situation is a bit unusual - DS dad and I are on good terms but not a couple (and we wern't when DS was conceived) so I have a nice mix of time with DS, childfree time to have adult fun... and a certain amount of 'family' time when DS, his dad and I all go out and do stuff together. DS dad is in fact a better parent than me (and he does do cooking and stuff, and used to change nappies without being nagged) and I have often revelled in my guilt-free childfree time. However last weekend, I was at an event where I would normally have taken DS along and gone to bed early. but his dad had suggested that this year he would take DS home to bed and leave me the night to rampage... I had been looking forward to it but I was actually miserable and really missed DS... THough I have had many a merry night out while DS dad looked after him, I think it was this specific event...

I am wittering now. sorry. I really do think that every parent needs regular childfree time to have fun, though.

and idltp I do agree with most of what you have said. However, I look back to how I was when I used to act like a man- I could do what I want etc and tbh- it was an empty life and I didn't really enjoy it. Yes, life is tough when the men leave but do we really need them anyway if they are useless? Useful men are welcome but if they are useless they may as well piss off and leave us in peace!

I quite fancy an empty life again from time to time. Sometimes I really envy ex his lifestyle. He had dc for a week at half term and I can honestly say I didn't miss them.

I agree. I never had that and am just gettng it now.

I used to feel that I couldn't have this time off, that my DD was my responsibility etc, but now I am starting to enjoy time off immensely.

In fact I've recently been very down and depressed, and didn't want to do all this parenting on my own etc etc. The more time I had on my own, the more I felt able to cope with it.

I think I lost myself the last few years. Perhaps I'm finding me again.

But it still pees me off that H seems to plan his time around his activities, not around his child.