Don't want to have sex any more with husband

[wildandfree]

Anyone else in this situation? I don't want to have sex with my husband any more. I only do it because I feel I should and when I do I think about something/someone else. I would rather just be friends with him and have a house share type of relationship. Have teenage children. He's a good person, good father. We are good friends but the chemistry isn't there for me. Part of me thinks I'm just being too fussy and should get on with life and make the most of what I have. Another part thinks I am being dishonest to myself and him. Another part thinks I should do my duty to family life and put the children first.

Anyone else in this space - what are the best options?? No-one else involved at this stage.

How about you talk to him and be honest about how you feel,it's not fair to him or yourself to keep this to yourself,it's no life for either of you.

Maybe he feels the same?,you then can go your separate ways.

If only life were that easy. He doesn't feel the same because I have talked to him about this. I guess I have been in denial. I know there are other people in similar situations, just wondered what kind of arrangements people have come to???

is it just him or is it sex in general? if it is sex in general, then is it possible there is a medical reason? If it is just him then you probably need to decide whether you could have a relationship where you both see other people for the physical aspects or whether you would be better to separate. Only the two of you can make that decosion. I don't think it is going to work if you are only having sex with him because you feel you should, but also I don't think it is right to expect him to live a celibate life either. You have some serious talking to do.

I am in exactly the same position, and it's to do with dh not in general. He says he can't have a relationship without and I can't have sex with him anymore. With me it's because our relationship has been very destructive, but I sometimes think, loads of women just go through the motions for an easy life and to keep the companionship going, why can't I. Just think of other things! but I can't. I feel quite upset thinking about even doing it.

We have discussed splitting up, we have 4 dc's the youngest of who is 5 and it's such a big decision. I want someone to give me a kick up the backside and say just sleep with him. For the sake of the kids.. but I can't.

What a decision to make.. he won't make it, he says it has to be mine. And I can't.

Sorry, not a very positive posting!

i think you need to keep having sex and keep the intimacy alive. but i am against divorce in general and think people should treasure and make the most of what they have, so i would say that.

There was a thread almost identical to this In relationships last week. If you have a search you may find it.

I'm against having sex with someone when you don't want to. It doesn't sound like you want to end the marriage, but in time you may reach that decision.

It's your body, and your right to refuse. With the attitude of people like goodnightmoon, it's no wonder marital rape was legal until the 80s.

Gosh feelingpositive - your children are very young and you have 4 of them so you must have been quite into him at some stage?? Just curious what changed the state of play? In my case, we got married quite young when we didn't know each other very well. I think we were meeting needs such as: wanting to have children; needing a nurturing type of partner (we are both very into caring for children). Now our children are older, I am becoming increasingly aware that there is a lack of "chemistry", at least for me. I am very sympathetic to goodnightmoon - that is one of the reasons I have stayed in the marriage for so long, I am very committed to family life and to marriage. But....

oh fgs, i am not supporting marital rape and how you got that from my innocuous comment is beyond me.

There has been no mention here of anyone being forced to have sex, or even refusing it, but rather just not feeling like it.

Who in a long-term relationship can say they've always felt like having sex, every single time?

lilac what a strange response, no one mentioned marital rape or anything close to that?!

wildandfree - do you think you'd be happier on your own? would it be ok with you if you split up and he met someone else and you were still single? how do you think your kids would take it? can you see yourself growing old, without him?

When it's 'lack of chemistry' with a 'good, kind person', it can depend on your definition of 'good kind person'. If your expectations are so low that you think he's wonderful because he doesn't hit or rape or verbally abuse you, but on the other hand does absolutely fuck all around the house and expects to be waited on, then it's probably basic resentment that's stoppered your libido.
Do you know what you like sexually and is he capable of giving it? In some cases, where a woman has been led to believe that 'love' makes for great sex, she may have been putting up with a bloke who is basically incompetent at it for years: technique is more important than a lot of people think. Ok not everyone wants to do it upside down in the wardrobe or master every position in the kama sutra, but if you have fallen into a sexual routine which is about getting him to pop his cork as quickly as possible and it's two minutes of nipple tweaking and one quick fumble round your hairy mary before he jumps on top, no wonder you're losing interest.

I don't think my expectations are very low - he is a great father, he works hard, we talk a lot, he is good company. I am not resentful - I am actually very pleased that my children have such a great father. BUT - now that the child-rearing stuff is coming to an end, I am aware that there was never a great deal of "chemistry" whatever that means. Look, I know I seem like a selfish old cow how is looking for way too much. And btw it's NOT to do with sexual technique. But when you are very young your priorities are different...nlw I am more mature and confident I am aware that there are things missing and it is a big problem for me.

I don't consider it a strange response, although it's partly triggered by my own experiences - some men feel entitled to have sex with their wives, whether she wants it or not.

It is wildandfree's choice to make and it annoys me that someone who doesn't know her or her husband can tell her that she needs to keep having sex with him. She has made it very clear that she doesn't want to.

WAF: well you know yourself and your husband. And you are very right that peole's priorities change over the course of time. I suppose the best advice I can give you is not to rush into anything, take time to talk to your H and listen to what he says: there are various options such as agreeing that you can both have sex outside the marriage subject to certain rules, splitting up as amicably as possible, or deciding that you are not unhappy enough to end the marriage and doing your best to make it work.
Lilac21: you are not wrong about the entitledment some men feel.

loving physical contact between a couple is a very important non-verbal form of communication.

If you don't want to communicate that closeness may be just be honest and speak with him. He may feel the same way? If he doesn't then why put him through a lonely marriage? Sorry possibly too harsh that last bit, but my former partner did that to me - I was decided that what was the point of being lonely in a relationship?

Sorry, don't want to sound mean.

I think I am hoping to get into a sort of house share type of situation with us free to have other relationships outside if necessary. Realise that is not an ideal situation and probably only temporary. I think that when we are much older we will be good companions (we are good companions) but, for me, I would prefer him as a close friend not a lover. Guess we have to do a lot of talking about this. There is no question of me just upping and going - that would not resolve anything and would just cause upset. Slowly I hope we will be able to work something out that will suit us both. Still curious what other people have done in this type of situation, I think it must be quite common - but maybe often the other way round (ie: husband wants to have sex outside the marriage?)

Just to add I did meet a couple with a child once who had arrived at this situation. They still lived together but had separate rooms and were not lovers. They dated other people. Their child was still quite young so I guess they planned to carry on with this arrangment while she was still at home. I was fascinated by how they had made the transition from lovers to house mates and they told me that it had taken a long time!! Still, it can be done. I just don't think that the sexual desire will come back for me. Having said that, perhaps I just have a low sex drive or perhaps I just haven't met the right person. Or again, perhaps monogamy is quite a silly idea and over-rated.
Why is life so complicated?

wildandfree it sounds like you know what you're doing and are taking care of both you and your family in the process. Honesty and clarity can only help both of you in what must a difficult situation.

Loving someone as a friend can seem like a poor cousin after loving them as a partner, but a longstanding friendship that's developed out of years of experience together - that would be enviable

Monogamy is definitely over-rated (as are all the fetishes to people who don't share them, and real monogamy is a fetish like any other). Many people do have open marriages or companion-marriages (especially if they are parents) with sexual partners outside the marriage, and it works fine.
Difficulties do arise when one partner is a monogamist and still 'loves' the other partner in a monogamist way: you have to be prepared for the fact that your H may prefer to end the marriage and for one of you to move out, than to live as a couple in an open relationship.
The best thing to do is talk and keep talking, but without blame or accusation, until you reach a solution that suits both of you to an extent (there will have to be some compromise because after all both of you have feelings which matter, but this does not mean that one of you gets to be contented while the other is miserable long-term).

I too feel love for my dh but am not comfortable with him in a sexual way. Think this is because of serious problems that have occured in our relationship and my fear of being hurt or let down. I don;t have an problem with sex in general - when its wth sometome i feel close to and safe with, I feel very comfortable with it. I do think sex is important but it's so hard when you get on with your dh, still love him and childrens are involved

yep, very common, i'm there! and was on this similar thread a week ago.
my issues slightly different: we are in an open relationship which helps, we are arguing a lot which doesn't, and i have some unknown medical problem concerning my ovaries that i cna't get to the bottom of.
kid and dp just arrived home, better go!

I'm curious how this open relationship stuff works. I am wondering if it is more of a transition phase between one relationship while everyone gets used to a new status quo and without disrupting the domestic set-up too much.

i have always done open relationships, mostly for political reasons (not wanting to own someones desire etc). i appreciate its not for everyone, but/and i think its important to remember that the realities of people's relationship set ups are usually a bit more complicated than the monogamous model. its certainly not unusual to have a lover outside of the marital set up.
however, things did change enormously when we had a kid. before i believed in very few rules. now we live together and have a childs needs to think about we have a rule that our partners don't stay over at this house. we stay at theirs.
with my current dp this open relationship has taken numerous directions. when we met i was 3years already with someone, lets call him B. he was single. we had the first two years together and i continued with B. i started yearning for a child and my relationship with B basically finished over that. However, B and me are still very very close friends and he has a big role in my life still, and in my childs. Hes much loved.
when pregnant neither dp nor i were interested in other relationships but after ds got out of the breastfeeding stage we started being interested again. now dp has a girlfriend he sees about once a week (she too has other partners, a 'main' girlfriend if you like) and i was seeing someone for a year which finished recently.
open relationships work best when everyone is honest and frank and caring. its very important not to treat those 'outside' the realationship as playthings or of secondary importance.
mine and dp's is not working well at the moment. but thats our relationship not the open side. cos my libido has got so very low, i am extremely pleased he has another partner.
for me jealousy goes both ways: i both fear it and embrace it. when i'm a bit jealous i get aroused more, i guess i like a bit of chase. so it helps me considerably if dp fancies other women.
there are some booklets available, and books, on open relationships that might be helpful if you interested. but, like monogamy, it only works if all parties are up for it. but, as in your case, as in many other peoples cases, monogamy isn't working for you either.

w&f - just seen your post.
Just to let you know you are not alone, as I feel this too.
I don't know what the asnwer is- we have discussed it too, and have discussed having an open relationship, but he won't accept that at all.
I am living a very conventional ,comfortable, middle-class life- but in my mind, I feel that to agree to be with 1 person for maybe 60+ years is unrealistic, as you both change.

I think that affairs are not always bad- but it takes two people to both want the same thing- and not for one to be wanting more. I have to really like a man I have sex with, and think it might be very hard for me to keep any emotional distance with a "fuck buddy".

I haven't got any suggestions really, but hope you fidn a way forward.