Don't want to have sex any more with husband

[wildandfree]

Anyone else in this situation? I don't want to have sex with my husband any more. I only do it because I feel I should and when I do I think about something/someone else. I would rather just be friends with him and have a house share type of relationship. Have teenage children. He's a good person, good father. We are good friends but the chemistry isn't there for me. Part of me thinks I'm just being too fussy and should get on with life and make the most of what I have. Another part thinks I am being dishonest to myself and him. Another part thinks I should do my duty to family life and put the children first.

Anyone else in this space - what are the best options?? No-one else involved at this stage.

Heated - In the past, whenever I have tried to just sit on the couch and cuddle with him, or simply hug him, he goes too far. I have expressed to him many, many times that it bothers me that we can't just hug or cuddle without his hands traveling around. If we hug for instance, the next thing ya know his hands are down my pants and he's feeling my bottom. I don't mind that if we are getting ready to start something. But when I'm standing at the kitchen sink and he comes up behind me and starts feeling my breasts and humping my bottom, and then one hand starts down the front of my pants, it gets a little annoying. He claims this is how he shows affection. That's fine, I'm not telling him to change but I don't personally like it.

Also, he wasn't like that in the beginning of our relationship but he swears he has always been like that and I just didn't mind it before (which is absolutely not true).

So now I don't want to initiate anything because it has been about 2 months since we have had sex and I think if I hugged or kissed him he would think I want sex tonight and I don't want to lead him on.

I really don't expect him to stay in this marriage if he is not happy with our sex life. I would like for him to find someone who can make him happy in all ways. When I tell him that he insists that we try to work it out. I don't think it can be worked out though.

I really don't know why so many supposedly intelligent men fail to realise that a sudden grope doesn't get results

I know it's a bit of a gender stereotype, but nevertheless based on a truth, that women generally feel sexy and are more likely to have sex if they feel loved and cherished, much of the first stages of foreplay is in a woman's head, so if men show affection without expecting instant gratification as a 'reward', then they're much more likely to be getting their leg over. Mr Heated is well aware of this fact!

"Non one else involved at this stage."

Sounds like you would like to have sex with someone, just not your husband.

What does he think of the situation?

Heated - I think he just is inconsiderate when it comes to what I want, unless it fits his agenda.

It's a control thing, I guess.

Like I mentioned earlier, there many things I have requested and they are ignored. He "says" he respects me, but when he doesn't want to respect my requests that's hard to believe.

That very Wheresthedoor and no surprise then that you don't want to have sex with him. I can imagine too that to make the sexual relationship work you would be the one expending all the energy - cajouling him to see a therapist for instance, making him make it work iyswim, rather than the effort freely coming from him. Head-in-the-sand syndrome perhaps?

Wilandfree and Wheresthedoor, you are clearly concerned enough to post on MN, so what do you see as your potential options?

Maybe (or not!) useful to see them listed:

1. stay as you are/status quo
2. see a sexual psychotherapist together
3. have an affair
4. progress to an open relationship
5. separation/divorce any other ideas?

Wheresthedoor, mine was like that too, i refer to him as benny hill as it was so horrible.Couldnt go near him without being groped.Goes without saying were not together anymore.
He thought sex was a problem, it wasnt, it was his lack of respect.

Thanks hopefull09. It's always comforting to know of someone who's been there.

He says he wants to change but I feel like if he isn't reacting that way it's just a fake. He really feels that way and he would just be covering it up for my benefit. I realize that he must have always been like that but never showed it until about 4-5 years ago. Like I said in earlier posts, he claims he's always been like that, but I would definitely remember it. I know he wasn't like that for the first few years of our marriage.

There's also all the head games. I'm getting so tired of them. He always makes little accusations then when I get upset he quickly turns it around like he was joking and I can't take a joke, or I misunderstood what he said. Sometimes he'll just flat out deny having said something.

Hopefull09 - how did you finally end it and how are you managing on your own? Are there children involved?

Heated - I think I would like to be separated with intentions of divorce. He's not happy and I am definitely not happy. I don't think couselling is going to help at this point. I am very perceptive when it comes to my life I don't think I need anyone to help me figure out where I stand, except for the help of message boards like these where I can just talk about it and get numerous opinions. My only issue now is figuring out how to take the next step (telling him I want a separation) I don't know if he will be willing to leave or if I will have to take the kids and go. I can't support myself and the kids financially right now so he would have to supplement. I guess the financial situation is the most difficult at this point. And I will never leave my kids!

Wildandfree I am coming to your thread 10 years after you started it so no idea whether you will receive this message or not. I would love to know what decision you took about your marriage, and whether you feel it was the right one? I am in a very similar position to the one you described in your original post. I hope things worked out well for you in the end.

Yes I’d be interested to know what decision she took also, wish I could see where I’d be in 10 years, my husband sounds exactly like wheresthedoor it’s exhausting.

This may have already been said, sorry I haven’t read the thread. But what if you open your marriage and your DH falls in love with someone else? Someone who loves him, is attracted to him and who wants to set up home with him. Are you ready for that prospect.

Personally I think for one partner to withdraw sex and expect to stay together is selfish. I couldn’t go without sex for a week let alone the rest of my life. If you no longer want sex, to me the relationship is over and you both just as well move on to separate lives.

Also didn’t note the date lol. I wonder what happened!

I've been reading all your posts, I've been with my husband for 11yrs we have 10 children between us, I work full time as a nurse, i really don't have any sexual feelings towards my husband, I try to work most of my shifts on nights, I miss the children at night but don't want to feel I have to perform like some circus act just for him to feel better about himself. Sad I know.. it's sex in general not just him, he tells me I should go get tablets to create a sex drive but I don't want to do that, when he really needs sex he can be quite nasty so I land up giving in and doing it so I'm not subjected to nasty verbal comments.. I sleep on the sofa when I'm on day shifts so I don't have to go to bed.. we have nothing in common, maybe I'm being selfish but he has put me through some he'll over the years, cheating, abusive messages, may not sound much to some but it's been dreadful. I've even sat chatting to samaritans not because I'm suicidal I'm not I love my kids way to much to do something like that to them. Iris also sounds probably really horrible but I wish he would tell me he is leaving because he needs more thank what I can give him, I've told him to go before but he doesn't think I mean it. So I gave up saying it.
Maybe I'm looking at it wrong..

Omg this is my life!!!!!