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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone been in a relationship with a compulsive liar?

64 replies

mymatekate · 07/05/2009 14:09

Have been with my partner for 5 years and throughout that time I have gradually found out more and more lies that he has told me. Each time he has said that he only did it because he didn't want to lose me, or to protect me, blah blah. I now feel as if I cannot believe a word he says, due to a recent incident that could have been potentially very dangerous to our child. When he has lied in the past, he has done it so profusely that he has actually turned on me and said that I "am ridiculous", that I must not know him at all, and has actually stopped speaking to me for an evening over something I accused him of which I now have found out was a lie!! He also swore on his daughter's (with an ex-p) life!!!!!! I just cannot comprehend this! I ended up telling the ex-p - she did not seem shocked and said he had sworn on his mum's life to her when lying and also that he used to lie a lot with her.
He has agreed now to go for counselling, but I am just wondering if anyone else has been in similar situation and if they have ever changed?

OP posts:
Tippychickchickchicken · 10/05/2009 16:44

sorry, MMK, have not been online.
Yes, my DD is the D of my XP. Who is still (just) my P but was X from when she was 9 mo to 4 mo ago. I am liking all this initial typing, what a shame MN is not like this all the time . And in answer, I'm not sure what I am going to do right at the moment. A change is gonna come though..
Give Relate a try, why not. If it doesn't work for him you might find it helpful to have a good vent at someone. Be warned though. My father was sent to seperate Relate meetings as the counsellors felt that having joint sessions with him and my mother was pointless. He lied for about six months about attending (he didn't) then told everyone that his sessions were coming to an end because the counsellor had cervical cancer. He talked of attending her funeral and was very sad at her passing.
She's still fine, alive and kicking, obviously

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 10/05/2009 16:46

I'm just bookmarking this to read later. My exH didn't while we were together, but he seems to be doing so now.

Karam · 10/05/2009 20:03

I have met one or two liars in the past - and they come out with some utter incomprehensible crap. I was hurt the first time I met someone who lied big time to me. But they never change, and now I have nothing to do with such people.

From various lies I have been told...

My mother died in a car accident (who subsequently turned out to be fine)

My X family member is a multi multi millionaire. (Why does this one come up so much!??! and why are they never just rich - but always £10 million + rich?)

When I lived in America (Had never lived there)

I earn over well in excess of 20K a year (but later said he had never managed to bring home 1K in his pay packet - later turned out to be much less than that on an average month!)

Claims to have studied for degrees at Oxford Uni that don't even exist!

Fraid to say that they don't change, ime.

katemumtwo · 11/05/2009 12:54

Wow, I had no idea this was so common! My H's OW was the same - 'my family are rich' (then why do you live in a crap area - desire to bond with the commoners?), false medical stuff, dead people who were alive and kicking... and then the grandiosity. She always had to be one better than anyone else - in her head, of course...

MollyPapa · 13/05/2009 16:13

This is an interesting thread. My ex-DP displayed some of the behaviour that other posters have mentioned - false claims of bereavement, abuse, minor and pointless exaggerations to major complex and plausible stories that fooled many people for years, including medics, psychiatrists and other professionals - she even went so far as to call me from abroad and claim her waters had broken, her labour had begun and she was about to give birth to our daugther, even making the sound of painful contractions at regular intervals - our daughter was actually born a month later.

Other posters have noted that lying is associated with Personality Disorder. This is true to an extent - however, long and complex lies that seem to serve to portray the teller as a persecuted victim or stoical hero in the face of relentless bad luck and adversity, are more commonly characteristic of Factitious Disorder - this includes long lasting, complex lies based on a matrix of truth and that have a self-aggrandizing quality that define the condition known as Pseudologia Fantastica.

When the person tells lies for material gain (eg Social Security Benefits, drugs or to avoid military service) this is more accurately described as Malingering Disorder.

Munchausen's Syndrome is a specific sub-set of Factitious Disorder in which the person adopts the 'sick role' in order to receive love and attention by faking or inducing the symptoms of an illness (which may be a totaly fake illness they don't have, or may be a real physical illness the symptoms of which they can simulate or aggravate - eg a diabetic with co-morbid Munchausen's may deliberately misuse their insulin).

All these disorders are serious mental illnesses and difficult to both detect (even by medics) and treat - particularly because in many cases, when confronted with their deceptions, the sufferer will simply flee and carry on their factitious way of life in another location with new friends.

The lies in these disorders are proactive (eg not simply told to avoid a row or confrontation) wilful and conscious and often very complex. They are not delusional or subconscious.

There is some research to suggest a link or co-morbidity between Factitious Disorder and some Personality Disorders (notably Borderline Personality Disorder and Anti-Social Personality Disorder) - though this is certainly NOT to say that people with PDs (which are very common, affecting a couple of million people in the UK) are more prone to lying that anyone else.

See this page for more info.

Itmakessense · 19/04/2016 21:04

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inastew · 20/04/2016 13:13

Bloke here - and I married to one. Not a another bloke one, but a lier. :-)
Today started with living she had put cereal out for kids breakfast. Bizarre things to lie about daily.

BettyBi0 · 20/04/2016 13:20

Some people are just toxic and have a really strange relationship with the truth. I once lived with someone who lied a lot and would defend his lies so vehemently that I think he actually convinced himself he was telling the truth. With hind sight he clearly had some kind of narcissistic personality disorder. I don't think that kind of fundamental break from reality can be fixed sadly.

exexpat · 20/04/2016 13:25

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM SEVEN YEARS AGO everyone - hope she LTB a long time ago.

Toomuchinfo1 · 20/04/2016 13:52

OP, your post about him doing drugs in front of you and then denying it . . .this exact thing happened to me. my bloke was going to the bathroom, and I could hear what he was doing. he denied it time and time again - until I walked in and saw him. he STILL denied it!! WTF?!?

I posted about all this when it happened, among other stuff.

I had to leave in the end, and I haven't looked back. lies kill trust, and where there is no trust, there is no relationship.

Sorry OP xxx

RubbishMantra · 20/04/2016 14:17

"I swear on so and so's life", is always a sign that someone is lying.

Years ago, I had an ex who told his 8 year old daughter, who had a MASSIVE crush on Danny Dyer, that he'd invite him round for tea, because Tamer Hassan (Dyer's co star in a couple of films) was a close, personal friend of his. Confused

Like another poster, I'd cringe when this unnecessary bullshit fell out of his mouth.

He refused to pay maintenence, but on the rare times he saw his 2 children, every 5-6 weeks?) would ceremoniously place a £20 note in one of the children's hands, when their (lovely) mum came to pick them up. Treat yourself to a pizza, he'd say. Totally not giving a shit to the fact that his ex would have planned the children's dinner, and that she was struggling financially, and that £20 could have bought her and the children decent food to put in the cupboard. It was like "Hey, look at me the Big Man giving £20 notes to my kids!" but nothing to my struggling ex to realistically contribute towards taking care of them

I'm a fairly accomplished fisherwoman, (I swear on my life Grin) and when I took this "man's" little boy out to fish, all he would do was criticise the poor little lad. To the point where he said to his mum that he preferred spending time with me than his father.

As I got older, with counselling, I eventually developed much better taste in men, and sorry I shuffled off topic a bit there.

Ava7Susan · 14/08/2017 00:51

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gamerchick · 14/08/2017 00:57

Gotta love the spammers digging old shit up

ANightWatcher · 14/08/2017 00:59

Love isn't the word I'd use. 😃
Jeez this one is persistent

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