Anyone been in a relationship with a compulsive liar?

[mymatekate]

Have been with my partner for 5 years and throughout that time I have gradually found out more and more lies that he has told me. Each time he has said that he only did it because he didn't want to lose me, or to protect me, blah blah. I now feel as if I cannot believe a word he says, due to a recent incident that could have been potentially very dangerous to our child. When he has lied in the past, he has done it so profusely that he has actually turned on me and said that I "am ridiculous", that I must not know him at all, and has actually stopped speaking to me for an evening over something I accused him of which I now have found out was a lie!! He also swore on his daughter's (with an ex-p) life!!!!!! I just cannot comprehend this! I ended up telling the ex-p - she did not seem shocked and said he had sworn on his mum's life to her when lying and also that he used to lie a lot with her.
He has agreed now to go for counselling, but I am just wondering if anyone else has been in similar situation and if they have ever changed?

I have been there, exactly as you described.

Compulsive liers cannot change, I don't think. It's an addiction, and once they atart lieing they need to keep lieing, what's that phrase about webs and deciet?

My ex lied about everything, to everyone. He lied to me, his friends, his colleagues, his boss, strangers, his parents, his family, you name it, he lied about it.

If there's no trust, there's no point in having a relationship. You're better off out of there.

They are very clever, compulsive liars, and will go to any lengths to kpp you from finding out their lies or in denying their lies.

If you are a compulsive liar, swearing on someone's life is a very easy thing to do.

I f*ing hate liars, utter utter lowlife shits.

mine went bankrupt 2 months before i had my baby- he'd assured me that we were more than solvent (yet had paid no mortgage/bills for months) This was after we'd had ex 'business associates' threatening me to get to him because he'd ripped them off,at the time he told me they'd ripped him off-we had a car set on fire in the front garden at one point,which was nice...
Jesus- what was I thinking, I now am a total honesty junkie-i feel desperately sorry for my dp now as if he fibs about something (ie whether he's had 3 or 4 pints) I stress...

Pathological liars can have Personality Disorders.

Several of the personality disorders described in the DSM include lying for no apparent reason as a symptom of these disorders.

For example people with NPD, narissistic personality disorder, and borderlines, generally tell lies .

Gaslighting is the description often used to describe the insane-making lies which these people can tell.

They can often contradict themselves within the same sentence and then accuse you of being paranoid or making it up if you point this out to them.

Basically its not you...its them.

Narcissists and lies

Borderlines and lies

Brr, reading that link on borderlines reminded me of an XP who was a major liar. I don;t think he was a bad person ie he wasn't malevolent, he was just deluded (he believed a lot of his own lies or at least seemed to). He drove me nuts and cost me a fortune. This was nearly 20 years ago and I am still a bit cautious about people who make fabulous claims for themselves.

I currently have a P who I think has real ishoos with the truth and its getting impossible to deal with. We're trying for the sake of my 2yo but I think the trial is in its dying days tbh.

I've heard him put on accents and I know he's known amongst my friends and family as Mr TShirt (or variations on a theme) cos whatever you say or do, he's done it better. I'm just waiting for the day he tries to top my birth story.

It's sad and there are obviously deep rooted psych problems behind it that Ididn't manage to uncover in 10 years together. But cheeses christmas, I so don't want it to be my problem anymore.

So what's the story MMK? are you calling him on it?

My ex used to tell me that his vodka and cider bottles were full of water...

Various ridiculous claims about his hidden wealth, terrible childhood and TA heroics...

Lots of swearing on people's lives and demanding me to do the same if he ever doubted me (often, and he still wouldn't believe that my mundane reality was true).

'I can remember sitting there once while he wove this amazing story out of thin air, in front of a group of friends. I just sat there sort of and then he turned and looked at me, patted my knee and said "Isn't that right darling?" and I bloody nodded.'

I have been there exactly, except the story was about how I acquired an 'impressive' black eye (he dealt it, but that's not how it came out).

He's still lying to me now, 3 years on from the split, but I've stopped listening, it is too draining. No single word of his is worth trusting.

Someone I was engaged to many years ago ran up huge bills (about £1000 in total) on phone sex lines, then hid the bills from me (phone line was in my name). He did this THREE times. The first two I paid the bills off and he promised not to do it again. The third time I broke up with him. He asked me why. I spent 11 hours trying to explain it to him (the phone bills were not the whole story), but he still didn't understand. Apparently I was massively unreasonable to break up with him over a phone bill. There are none so deaf as those who do not wish to hear.

Also, not a partner, but DH and I had a friend a couple of years ago who lied profusely to both of us, particularly him. She got a lot of sympathy from us when her father died and spend the next year building up stories about how her abusive mother was dying too. When she finally told us her mother was dead I started to smell a rat (I can't remember what comment triggered my suspicions) but after various late night phone calls where she would cry drunkenly down the phone at us, pleading with us to come and get her from unknown locations because she had been drugged/kidnapped/raped, I eventually found out through a mutual acquaintance that not only was she a compulsive liar with a personality disorder, she was also violent and obsessive. And her mother was still alive and kicking. DH came perilously close to insisting we move when I got pregnant, as he was terrified that she would go bunny boiler on him and try to hurt me or the baby. Luckily we haven't heard from her for over a year now (touch wood).

Well, tippychick, he has contacted Relate, and they are calling him back with an appointment for an initial consultation. So I feel I will give him the opportunity to sort himself out that way (after all, if he were a drug addict or alcoholic I would not just abandon him until he had tried everything to be clean/sober). If after the counselling, he is still bending the truth, then I will need to decide then what is best for us all. I realise it may take a long time, and that he may never change, but he has already been to one freencounselling session and he has already learnt that he is a 'people pleaser' and that is part of the reason for the lies - that he wants to impress/please/avoid hurting people. I have told him he needs to have more balls and tell the truth no matter the consequences. It is almost like he is frightened of the reaction of a person if he is honest - he tells people what they want to hear.
What are you going to do tippychick? Is your ds the son of yr "dp"?

mymatekate,

Re your comment:-

"Well, tippychick, he has contacted Relate, and they are calling him back with an appointment for an initial consultation. So I feel I will give him the opportunity to sort himself out that way (after all, if he were a drug addict or alcoholic I would not just abandon him until he had tried everything to be clean/sober)".

If he were either a drug addict or an alcoholic you would likely end up being his enabler and drag you down with him. I do not think Relate will be able to help him. Infact he could well run rings around the counsellor and make his problems out to be all your doing/fault. These people do not and will not take any responsibility for their actions. He is responsible for his own actions, not you.

There are often deeply rooted and untreatable personality disorders (I see that previous links have referred to NPD and borderline personality disorder) behind all this. My BIL is a consummate liar and NPD to boot. Its all part for the course with such people and you cannot have a relationship with a narcissist. They are both damaging and damaged individuals. All he will do ultimately is drive you up the wall and make you also unable to trust your own judgment. And he won;t care either

Attila -thank you for your message, you make some good points. But I think it's a bit unfair what you say re the drug/alcoholism - many people going through this sort of thing need support from friends and family and I don't think that this makes them their enabler. A lot of people come out the other side of addictions, and a lot of it is down to loving family members and friends helping them get better.
I want to help my dp become a better person and I will be there for him to give him the chance to do so. If he breaks my trust again then of course I will give him the heave-ho.
Maybe he won't change, and maybe he has a personality disorder, but I would like to find that out before breaking up my family.
I was just starting this post out of curiosity to see who else had been in similar situations.

hi mymatekate

re your comment:-

"A lot of people come out the other side of addictions, and a lot of it is down to loving family members and friends helping them get better".

Unfortunately there are no guarantees here and sometimes family have to walk away in order to save their own selves. Enabling someone as well which is a very well meaning thing to do can however, also delay their recovery. It gives a false sense of control. The main thing is that the person who is addicted realises that they have a problem and sincerely want to get better for their own self (and are not trying to do so for just their family members).

Do you at heart thinks he really wants to change?. Did he decide for his own self that counselling may help him?.

Its not down to you ultimately to make your partner a better person. He has to take responsibility for his own self. You cannot own his problems because by doing so you are shouldering (dare I say enabling) him and his burden.

about 7 years ago i had a friend who told me the most dreadful lies about her life, complete fantasies that in no way could have been true. at the time i sort of believed her as in some ways she was a very good friend to me and we had a lot of fun together.

we lost touch and as time went on i felt sickened that she could tell such fibs and that i had nodded and smiled and let her do it.

if i saw her coming now, i would run the other way as fast as i could as i think she is potentially quite a dangerous person to be involved with and i also wonder now if perhaps she did/does have some sort of personality disorder.

my advice - stay well clear

I can vouch for the fact that women do it too.

My parents both were taken in by a complete sociopath. She told them she had a dead husband & children, that she had cancer, that she had millions in a trust (payout from 'the accident') and she would leave it to my parents if they would take care of her until she died from her 'cancer'.

Then she told them the FBI was protecting her from the mean nasty rich people in town (because she knew dodgy things about them), that they were watching our house, that the rich people were hiring people to kill her.....

My parents are intelligent people, both with master's degrees FFS. I was already living overseas, and they wouldn't talk to me about it because they thought their phones and computers were bugged! They were also told I, my brother, and other family members were 'in danger' and 'being watched'. It all sounds ridiculous when written out like that, but this woman was a complete master at manipulation. She seemed to have loads of money because she was stealing from my father's store.

There's more and more outrageous crap, and it broke up my parents' marriage when my mom finally decided she didn't believe it all, starting investigating and finding out some of the lies, and my dad just couldn't see it. My mom threw them both out of the house and divorced my dad, and had to have treatment for PTSD. Even now, she says she doesn't know what was real and what wasn't.

Dad finally realised all wasn't what it seemed, but only after marrying the crazy bitch so he could have health insurance (people are that desperate in the U.S.). I helped him start divorce proceedings and he is finally rid of her, though she's such a psycho she still calls him and tries to blackmail him, then randomly asks him out on 'dates'! She weaseled her way into his store and stole all the evidence of her theft while he was away caring for my brother who'd been in an accident, so he's lost loads of money. He blames himself for being greedy--but who would ever expect such lies and deceit from someone?

This sociopath went to counseling too. . .she needs to be locked up really! People like this do not change, they just find new victims. My parents were not the first, and the probably won't be the last. I can only hope she'll be hit by a bus or something so she won't hurt anyone else.

Yank! that's horrendous and very extreme...

I don't think compulsive liars can change for the better. They just get better at hiding things IME.

My Dd's father had been lying to me for our entire 'relationship' having been seeing another woman for all that time. He compartmentalised his life and it seems, took on different roles for each part of his life.

Sadly I think I must be a magnet for arseholes.

my ex was just a fucking serial fantasist- unfortunately when i met him i was too young to do anything other than be impressed by him-i also used to repeat things he'd told me (jeff banks/john richmond were investing in him to design ranges for them etc etc) thing is he was/is talented but impossible to work with as he lies about everything all the time. When i was due to have the baby he went to new york (or did he?I have no idea) on business and when i pointed out it was reasonable for him to decline to go on the trip as i was due to have our first baby during the middle of it he then said he had told them that and they hadn't believed him-so off he fucked to america-you see,thing is,i actually got to the stage where i didn't believe ANYTHING he said about anything.
they don't change IME

They are utterly destructive people - and they NEVER change.

Not totally surprised either to read about the serious illness lies:-

My BIL actually told his parents a year ago that he only had a certain number of weeks to live because he was seriously ill.

He's still alive, unsurprisingly.

Yes I had one of these.

I used to wish he'd have an affair so that at least his lying was comprehensible.