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Relationships

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Original poster

DP's contact with ex, would this piss you off?

29 replies

CrazyNites · 06/05/2009 14:42

DP has been divorced for two years, seperated for 3.

His ex often texts him and asks if they can "chat", if which she goes on about her current partner and how awful he is etc.

She also goes down to DP's house to use his washing machine whenever she feels like it.

I'm supposed to be moving in there in a few weeks and am not happy. AIBU?

OP posts:

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 06/05/2009 14:43

Are they having sex? or an intimate friendship?

Why aren't you happy?

It wouldn't bother me at all but I completely trust my dh.

Original poster

CrazyNites · 06/05/2009 14:44

well I assume not!

OP posts:

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 06/05/2009 14:46

Do you know why you're unhappy with it?

got niggling suspicions?

YanknCock · 06/05/2009 14:47

Do they have children together? Who initiated the divorce?

Original poster

CrazyNites · 06/05/2009 14:50

yes they have a daughter but she makes no effort to see her and goes down when the daughter is at school (she lives with her dad). She see's her daughter about once a month, reluctantly (from both sides).

She was apparantly caught shagging someone else so he initiated the divorce.

Not sure why I'm unhappy, I wasn't at first but the thought of moving in there whilst she's popping down to do her washing and chatting with him on the phone late at night doesn't exactly fill me with happiness ... maybe I'm over-thinking it.

OP posts:

HecatesTwopenceworth · 06/05/2009 14:52

I wouldn't like it either, but I am an irationally jealous person!

As long as you trust him, there's nothing to worry about.

PirateVinegarTitsOhArrrrr · 06/05/2009 14:55

I be getting deja vu in ere, Aharr

unavailable · 06/05/2009 15:05

I wouldnt class myself as jealous, but I think I would be unhappy about it too. Not because I would suspect something was going on between them, but because there hasnt been a line drawn under the relationship after the divorce.

"Just popping in" sounds a bit too casual, and indicates a continuing emotional attachment on either one or both their parts.

Have you spoken to dp about your unease?

mrsjammi · 06/05/2009 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hassled · 06/05/2009 15:23

Why don't you talk to her? Ask if there is still some attachment, whether she would like a future with him, what she thinks is going to happen. I wouldn't feel exactly relaxed and comfortable in your shoes, and I do have a very good friendship with my ex-DH. And that's probably all it is - a good friendship, but you need to have that confirmed. She's more likely to be honest than he is.

mrsjammi · 06/05/2009 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hassled · 06/05/2009 15:28

Well yes, there is that

OK, provided you're not bothered about possibly appearing like a loon, quiz the ex! Actually, I don't think I'd care what she thought, but if she is going to be a permanent feature of your life you might have to care.

ElenorRigby · 06/05/2009 19:03

I like my ex he is/was a nice bloke. Do I want to give him advice on his current lovelife? Fuck noooooo.
Would I contact him/myex to talk about my relationship with my DP.
Fuck NO.

IMO where there are no kids involved people should just move on.

When ex's have children they should keep things polite and businesslike.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/05/2009 09:13

buy her a new washing machine of her own

so she pops in for chats and to use the wm, but doesnt want see her dd

Supercherry · 07/05/2009 10:22

No, sorry, I wouldn't be happy about that, it sounds like she's still interested so regardless of whether you trust your DP I would want contact to be limited to whatever is necessary to maintain contact with her child.

That's just me, call me unreasonable and jealous if you like, I have trust issues .

Not sure how you would go about saying this, I would just be honest with my partner and regardless of the irrationality of my feelings he would respect them because I am the current partner and therefore far more important than an ex

TwoScrambled · 07/05/2009 11:01

If you are living there then you dont want someone you dont know popping in when you could be in your undies. I would tell your DP that this isnt on and she must not have a key to 'your' home any more. Late night chats will slow as you gradually disrupt them Sorted! I would try to appear unconserned about it all, but be very clear and firm about someone else having keys to your home.

PaulaYatesBiggestFan · 07/05/2009 11:02

it would drive me NUTS

MuthaHubbard · 07/05/2009 16:51

my xh and i are still good friends and at the moment both single.

we speak on the phone (only re kids issues) and he pops over just after tea 3 or 4 times a week to see the dc before he goes home/after the gym/when he picks them up to stay over. at the moment, he just knocks and walks in and this doesn't bother me as there are no feelings there on either side - we just have children together. our dd tried to get him to hug me the other day and our faces were a picture

doesn't bother me that he still comes round and basically just walks in (and used my washing machine when his was broken) at the moment - as soon as there is someone else on the scene for either of us it will feel weird and it will stop (it did whilst I was seeing exp for a while).

we get on really well for the dc's benefit, no other reason/ulterior motive

Original poster

CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 18:11

Ok, she phoned again today whilst I was there sorting stuff out. She wanted to know if she could use the washing machine one day DP text her back and said she could use it next wednesday (my birthday and I'm out all day with my mum).

I used the opportunity to ask questions about it.

The ex is living with her mum ... I asked "don't they have their own washing machine? " and he said "oh yes, just that her mum doesn't like her using it"

So I think it's even more irritating now because she has a washing machine where she lives! and he's already said that she'll continue using the washing machine when I move in "but not that often, probably only once every fortnight".

Another thing, she never lived there. DP has moved home twice since they seperated so where he lives now has never been her home.

I don't want to be the jealous, awkward gf but I really don't think I'm being unreasonable here.

OP posts:

Supercherry · 07/05/2009 19:20

Does he know it's bothering you? I think he needs to know. She needs to stop depending on him- it's over.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/05/2009 19:36

her mum doesnt like her using it?

what a load of crap!!

i could kinda understand it if she used machine and played/saw her dd - but she doesnt

i would tell dp you are not happy with the situation and he can tell ex to use mums/friends or go to the launderette

Fizzylemonade · 07/05/2009 19:55

Invite your ex over to wash his pants in the washing machine and see how your DP likes it

I would be uncomfortable with it. I find the fact that she lives with her mother but can't use the washing machine a little strange, what next? she can't use the shower

Tippychickchickchicken · 07/05/2009 19:59

I hate having two threads, now I'm worried I'll miss summit good on the other one .
Tell him to strap on a pair. He should tell her to get a storage locker for her stuff, put it in the parent's shed or sell it. Why are you looking at/making way for/dusting her bloody books? Unless of course they are good books in which case you should read them (while eating jammy buns )
She has a key? Noooooooooooooo

You moving in has to be a fresh start. Like you said, its not like it used to be her home and her machine. Its odd.
OR.....

Break the machine, something cheap and tell DH that you have a man coming to fix it. Bet he won't check. Have it out of action for 2-3 weeks, use a launderette yourself. It'll be a pain but still....
If she's still coming round - why?
After 3 weeks you can fix the machine and suggest to DH that she carry on with whatever arrangements she made for the 3 weeks it was broken.

2rebecca · 07/05/2009 20:00

I'm afraid I wouldn't move in and would suggest that his ex needs to stand up to her mum or rent a flat of her own. What's wrong with using a launderettte? I think usung it occasionally if washing machine broke is 1 thing, it being the only way she does her washing is another. He hasn't really separated from her has he?
Stay where you are.

Original poster

CrazyNites · 07/05/2009 20:05

I text him today to ask what time she's going next wednesday. He said "11am" which just proves that she's delibrately going down when her daughter is at school.

And I want to buy a cabinet but I can't because her bookcase is in the way.

I needed some room for my books and he said he's "ask her if she minded making space on the bookshelf" ffs

So he's ended up boxing up some of her books (one shelf out of a 7ft bookcase) and storing them in our bedroom which I think is taking the piss.

We're selling stuff to make room for when I move in and we have her shit cluttering the place up!

OP posts:

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