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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I caught DP filming us - can't talk to anyone

35 replies

Cakehead · 05/05/2009 20:02

This is odd and has just knocked me sideways. Been with DP for eleven years and have two DS under five. I work full time, so does DH, thought things were OK in the bedroom but not brilliant, you know how it is, not enough hours, too tired, etc. But last week, after we'd had sex, I found a small hidden camera on our bedside table. Only as big as a pen. When I confronted DH, he said he didn't know why he'd done it, maybe because we didn't have sex as much as he wanted, and it turned him on to watch it later.
I feel completely betrayed. Not hugely self-confident with myself post-kids, feel like it was a violation of our bedroom and wondering why on earth he was doing this. I have no idea what's been going on here.
He's been really upset that I've been so upset. He's offered to go for counselling if I think it will help. I wanted to walk out but don't want to upset my DSs.
Can't talk to family or friends as it's like confessing, yes I married a pervert.
Is it as bad as it seems?

OP posts:

pellmell · 05/05/2009 20:08

well....there's a way to throw away eleven years of trust.
What a bloody idiot!
I'm sorry for you. Even if he is lovely in every way, I couldn't ever trust him again.
He thought you would say "no" so he didn't ask. Idiot!!!

missingtheaction · 05/05/2009 20:09

No. It is not. It is well within the bounds of what's normal in relationships. And doing it secretly is nasty but in my opinion not the end of the world either.

Blokes do like sex, and they do like to be turned on, and watching sex is a turn on for them. It's not about you, it's about him. In a way it's quite flattering he wanted to watch you in bed and not some 19 year old porn star.

If he was mine I'd have a massive hissy fit, remove and break the camera, and demand some pretty abject apologies. But I would also listen to his side of the story and have a bit of sympathy.

pellmell · 05/05/2009 20:13

I love sex. I love my husband and I get turned on by the thought of him filming me but the point here is the lack of consent surely?

traceybath · 05/05/2009 20:13

Umm not sure on this one.

I'd be majorly pissed off thats for sure and would be wondering if it was the first time it had happened.

Do agree with pellmell about trust though - he should have asked. Afraid i'd also be wondering where the video(s) were.

cheltenhamgal · 05/05/2009 20:14

I agree with missingtheaction infact I couldnt have put it better myself, but he should have asked you

HolyGuacamole · 05/05/2009 20:14

What a massive invasion of your privacy. Yes, if you know you are being recorded and have agreed to it, then fine. But on this occasion, he has been a bloody idiot.

He knew you'd say no.....so he....went and done it anyway!

I'd be furious if I were you, but also when I was calm, I'd want to talk about it rationally and tell him how it made me feel to find that out.

This could be a good way for you both to have a good chat at base level about your relationship and about sex, sort it out, learn lessons (on his part), compromise and get onto a new track.

FabulousBakerGirl · 05/05/2009 20:15

I am surprised he has immediately offered to go for counselling. Trying to buy some time maybe?

And it is as bad as it just is for you.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2009 20:16

He should have asked and you could have enjoyed it together.

Errr, does he have other tapes and where the hell are they?

Was there a thread on here yonks back about some bloke who put his wife's picture on some "readers wives" claptrap? (without her knowledge)

Do you think here could be more to this? I sincerely hope not.

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2009 20:20

well, I can understand why you feel betrayed and upset. I would too. it's a total invcasion of privacy.
that said, I do agree with missingtheaction too, that it can be a totally normal part of a relationship if you BOTH want it to be.

I would be surprised if he actually got anything watchable on it tbh!

HolyGuacamole · 05/05/2009 20:20

I'm not actually that surprised he has volunteered for counselling TBH. I'd guess that he is highly ashamed, embarrassed, can't believe he got caught and wants to do anything to fix this.

A lot of people think that sort of thing is perverted and weird and maybe that's why he has responded like that.

Personally I don't think he is perverted or that he is weird, he is just a man. However, the lack of consent and trust issues are utmost and they are what needs to be sorted.

Original poster

Cakehead · 05/05/2009 20:22

The camera had a memory chip which he said he planned to watch on his computer or his phone. It does coincide with him getting a new Itouch phone, though, so I could sort of see how it might be plausibly for that or am I just kidding myself?

He's normally quite (healthily) jealous and protective, so I can't imagine he'd want to display anything publicly, but hey - what do I know?

Just feel like I can't be at ease in my own bedroom now.

Thanks for replies. Have bottled this up for days and just know I can't talk to family or friends about it. Not the sort of thing my parents would look kindly on...

OP posts:

pellmell · 05/05/2009 20:28

don't you think it is strange that he didn't ask or discuss?
WHY?
I wouldn't have sympathy for someone who could be so sneaky.
It's not about him being a poor little thing who is not satisfied and needs to do this sort of thing to get off............
The op could be as horny as hell and into it as much as him but has said she is self conscious and by that I take it he knows she would not have had sex with a camera in her room.

SomeGuy · 05/05/2009 21:05

Is he putting it on xtube? If not, it's probably quite flattering that he's getting off on it rather than the masses of free porn easily available on the internet.

It's not perverted, though he really should have asked.

StayFrosty · 05/05/2009 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2009 21:48

sf, I don't think anyone has said it is fine

only fine if there was mutual, informed consent

nobody has trivialised it, I think that people are, other than the trust issue (a huge biggie) trying to reassure the OP that her husband is probably not a depraved pervert

StayFrosty · 05/05/2009 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StayFrosty · 05/05/2009 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2009 21:59

no it isn't sf, that is the issue isn't it?

must be bloody devastating

pellmell · 05/05/2009 21:59

Me too!

Idranktheeasterspirits · 05/05/2009 22:01

take aside the sex bit for a moment and look at it like this.
He premeditated deceiving his wife. He would have had to find out where to buy the camera, gone to the shop, bought it and then planted it. Behind his wifes back.

You said you feel like walking out, do you think that if you went to Relate or similar that you could talk this through? It is a huge breach of trust and i feel for you. It must be unnerving to say the least. But is your marriage otherwise good? Do you love each other.
I'm asking because you sound like you thought that everything was ok? So theoretically you could work this out?

BCNS · 05/05/2009 22:12

OMG.. he's actually had the forethought to get a pen sized camera..then hidden it and filmed you .. ewwww.

I would want to hide the flipping thing in the bathroom.. flim him taking a dump.. and then post it on you tube.. sending everyone on his email address book the link.

but instead I I don't know what to suggest.. IMO it's that awful.

so sorry for you

Mumcentreplus · 05/05/2009 22:18

ok...yes he was very wrong...but is this the only thing he has done like this?...how does he actually feel about what he's done?...not trivilise the situation..but have you seen the film? ahem

AllFallDown · 06/05/2009 10:19

It's an appalling betrayal, and you should demand to know whether these images have been posted to the internet. The idea that he was doing it for his own gratification seems a little unlikely, I'm afraid - this wasn't a snatched shot, it was a carefully planned deception involving spy equipment.

Wuxiapian · 06/05/2009 13:47

I, personally, would be wondering if he'd had anyone else in my bedroom.

Rhubarb · 06/05/2009 13:52

Is this what you mean?

He's obviously planned this, that would worry me. He's thought it through and specifically bought a camera that you wouldn't detect.

Just how did you find out it was a camera pen by the way?

This pen is also specifically designed to plug into the pc. So whilst he may only be watching it himself, it's also very easy for him to post the footage elsewhere or share it with others.

Why do you think he would go to all this effort to video you both 'at it' in secret?

Just to watch by himself?

I don't think so!

If I were you, I'd be looking at his internet history and checking his emails.

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