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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What if anything should I do?

54 replies

insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 17:25

I have a friend, she is also a neighbor. Ours is a relatively new friendship. But I do feel like we have a very close friendship already.

She has confided in me some things about her life, which by all means hasn't been an easy one. I like to think that she can talk to me about anything and for me to listen.

Lately I have noticed that she is drinking a huge amount, not just in the evenings but all day.

She has a DD under the age of 1yo (I don't want to put specifics just in case she is a Mner, although I don't think she is)

Her DH is obviously worried about her drinking (as am I) as he has just popped here to see if there is anything I can do and to get some advice from me.

He has come home from work today (I only walked in the house about 45 minutes ago myself) and she is almost passed out on the sofa. She has had 3 bottles of wine since I saw her this morning and then gone out to get another once her DH had come home.

She has told me before that she will drink every day/night, but that she is not worried about it. She just doesn't like the fact that her DH doesn't like her drinking.

I don't know what, if anything, I should/could do.

I am worried for her and worried for her DD when she is alone in the day.

Any advice would be welcome please.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 05/05/2009 20:46

I think you can, but I've never had to do it touches wood

I used to live in a very close knit street - we had a similar problem, although they both drank and took loads of drugs all day and night. One of my neighbours took the plunge when we found the 3 year old at the end of the road in her nightie in the middle of the night. Sometimes you just have to do the right thing.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to them directly, you have no choice but to do something else.

I do feel for you, awful situation.

mrsboogie · 05/05/2009 21:05

I hate to say it but it is the right thing to do OP - that child is at risk. If her husband can't get her to stop you won't be able to. On the plus side if they are fighting in the street it could be anyone who calls SS.

Maybe a visit form SS will be the shock she needs to sort herself out - or for her husband to do something (although I don't know what)

Original poster
insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 21:05

SerendipitousHarlot, that is awful for the little girl.

This street is also very close knit, DH and I have only lived here for a little over 2 years and we love it.

It is so sad cos I know she is a good mum she just needs that chance, but she has to get better and get help to be able to take that chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 21:08

mrsboogie, I do hope that SS visiting will give her the kick up the bum needed to get herself sorted out.

Other than not working and staying home all day I don't know what else her DH could do.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 05/05/2009 21:10

And if she won't admit that she needs the help, then you can't help her, matey. So the next best thing is to help the child.

Original poster
insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 21:26

Your right, I sense that her DH really wants/needs to do something about it all but he doesn't know what.
When he came round earlier on he asked me what he should do and I told him I honestly don't know. I would like to go back to him with some words of advice and help but I just don't know what.

OP posts:
NewLeaseofLife · 05/05/2009 21:37

There sould be an out of hours number on the council web site... Try again first thing. You just call them and say I would like an anonomous consult you dont need to give them any details if you dont want to and they should advise the best course. I would imagine that they will suggest they need to visit the family. I know it is a hard thing to do and you worry what the best course is, it is never easy.

Good luck
x

screamingabdab · 05/05/2009 22:29

Maybe you could try the NSPCC?

Snorbs · 05/05/2009 22:52

Definitely call the NSPCC. You can talk about it in confidence and then, if you agree, they can refer to social services for you.

But, please, do something. If she's drinking anywhere near that much, every day, there is no way that she will be in a competent state to look after a small child. And I agree that whatever she's admitting to drinking, it's very likely she's drinking even more in secret. Hell, after three bottles of wine she won't be able to reliably remember what she's drunk.

At the same time, it is likely that her DH is frantically running around trying to find ways to help her and so nearly all his attention is on her rather than their child. While that's entirely understandable in the circumstances, it's something he needs help to correct - its his child that needs more of his attention as his child doesn't have a choice in this.

I say all this because my ex is an alcoholic and the effect it had on our children was profound. Social Services got involved and my kids ended up on the Child Protection Register for a while but, while it was difficult at times, I am very grateful for the help and support SS was able to provide us.

In our case, my ex is still an actively drinking alcoholic and so my children live with me. I needed help and support with this which is what SS provided, as well as providing my ex with all sorts of opportunities and chances to get better. That my ex decided not to do anything serious about the drinking wasn't through anybody's fault but hers.

screamingabdab · 05/05/2009 23:03

Great post Snorbs

KingCanuteIAm · 05/05/2009 23:14

Just a cautionary note about calling social services. In the past I have known them t give out the name of an informant even though they asked to remain anon. I am sure this is not the norm and it was an oversight but, for your sake, I would go through the NSPCC. Just to be on the safe side!

Original poster
insertwittynicknameHERE · 06/05/2009 09:22

Thank you everyone.
Snorbs your post has helped me hugely, as I am worried that they will take her DD off her and not help her IYSWIM.

I do want to be anonymous as at the end of the day DH , DD and I still live here I am nearly 30 weeks pg myself so there is nothing physically I can do for her and her family.

I still feel like I am betraying her though and am bandying thoughts around of getting my mum to call them, but that is just me being a coward.

Wish me luck I am going to ring them now.

OP posts:
Original poster
insertwittynicknameHERE · 06/05/2009 09:37

Does anyone have another number for the NSPCC? I keep ringing the one on the website that it says to ring if you are worried about a child and it wont ring just keeps going dead. I cant find the SS number now (why didn't I bookmark it last night)

Going to keep looking.

OP posts:
Original poster
insertwittynicknameHERE · 06/05/2009 10:25

It's done, I don't know whether to feel happy or sad TBH.
I feel like I am stabbing her in the back. I have tried ringing and texting and knocking on her door this morning and I can't get hold of her. I am worried now.

Her DH has gone to work I saw him leave this morning when I was putting the bins out. I was hoping he would stay home as I don't think she will be in any fit state today after what happened yesterday/last night.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/05/2009 10:27

Call SS and say you don't wish to give your name> Unfortunately it has happened that names have been given out so just don't give it - it will not make you any less credible.

Original poster
insertwittynicknameHERE · 06/05/2009 10:31

I have called them Kat, I didn't give them my name or anything.

Still feel sad

OP posts:
Snorbs · 06/05/2009 10:54

Don't feel sad. Feel proud that you have done something positive for a family that's in trouble.

SS won't swoop in and take the child; they'll try to help. It's only if a) both of the parents repeatedly refuse that help, b) neither of them do anything to change the situation, and c) they are leaving the child in danger, will SS take steps to remove the child from harm.

Well done!

Original poster
insertwittynicknameHERE · 06/05/2009 11:35

Thank You Snorbs.

OP posts:
dizietsma · 06/05/2009 11:38

Child under 1 yo and no-one considered PND?

Seriously?

mrsboogie · 06/05/2009 11:43

I know it may not feel entirely like it at the moment but you have done the right thing OP. Your motives are only for the good and its not like anyone else was going to be able to do anything for this family. Just imagine if you hadn't acted and one of these days saw an ambulance outside their house because something terrible had happened? A person in charge of a baby drinking at that level just once is taking a risk but to do it every day is a disaster waiting to happen.

Original poster
insertwittynicknameHERE · 06/05/2009 11:50

OMG dizietsma , PND never crossed my mind, WTF am I gonna do I have already called SS, it's not like I can take the call back is it.

OP posts:
Fizzfiend · 06/05/2009 12:05

I'm not sure who you should call. But I do think that that quanitity of alcohol is too much. I have a very high tolerance of alcohol. But after 1.5 bottles of wine I am functional, but definitely not sober enough to deal with a small child.

For the future, would it be possible for you to arrange trips out with your kids, just to get her out of the house and maybe ease her lonliness. Just walks in the park, even to the supermarket together and for coffee, etc. It might help...being in the house all day would turn me to drink.

Good luck..you sound like a lovely friend.

SerendipitousHarlot · 06/05/2009 12:07

dizi, whilst I appreciate that this could be the issue - it still needs addressing for the safety of the child, surely?

mrsboogie · 06/05/2009 12:11

Of course PND is likely to be a factor but the OP has said that this woman is drinking 3 or 4 bottles of wine a day and is unconscious on the sofa with a baby in the house when her husband gets home. If the poor woman is in denial about her drinking and her husband can't get her to do anything then the immediate risk needs to be dealt with first. Its not like she was going to be persuaded to go to her GP and admit to what is going on. If her drink problem is that bad some ADs won't be enugh to help her. Once SS is involved it is to be hoped that the other agencies will be drawn in and any PND will be diagnosed and treated along with everything else.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/05/2009 12:48

If she has PND then SS should help her and encourage her to seek support. Whatever the cause, she is probably putting her child at risk with the amount she drinks and so the OP was right to call SS.

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