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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

devastated by husbands violence dont know what to do

45 replies

yummytummy · 04/05/2009 19:40

am just in shock right now. had a fight with husband yest over nothing, he took offence to a comment i made which was meant as a joke and then pushed me so i fell and sprained my wrist. he did apologise today but says he still needs time to calm down before he can talk and if i go on about it am scared he will lash out again.

to be honest its the last straw, things have been so bad between us lately and he wont go to relate and refuses to talk. i feel so sad as the relationship used to be good and we have 18m old ds. i know when u have a fight its normal to lash out verbally but this is too much. also have constant digs that i dont "take care of myself" i know i'm a bit bigger than before ds but not much and i do lots of swimming etc. but dont know if its meant or just said in anger. am just questioning myself and have no self esteem.

dont really want to split up but have had enough of the anger and now i'm afraid if i try to talk will get hit again.

please help. cant really chat to anyone and both our families think the sun shines out of his a**e. he reserves all the anger for me.

OP posts:
Goober · 04/05/2009 19:44

I think you know what needs to be done.
So sorry you are going through this.

DeeBlindMice · 04/05/2009 19:45

You are afraid of your husband. He's hurt you physically and you think he will do it again. You need to get him out of the house so you and your son can feel safe there.

Have you seen a doctor about your injury? Have you considered reporting the assault to the police?

Have you contacted Women's Aid yet to find out from them what steps you might be wise to consider taking yet?

You need to talk to someone in real life. Sod his family, who are you closest to in yours that you can confide in? They won't think the sun shines out of his arse when they know he is a wife batterer.

choufleur · 04/05/2009 19:47

If you feel up to it get in touch with a local DV group. they will be able to offer advice and support.

depending on how strong you feel you could report the incident to the police. basically he has assaulted you.

hope you're ok

Original poster
yummytummy · 04/05/2009 19:51

the irony is husband IS a doctor. i told my dad and he thinks i should wait till he calms down then speak to him. both families are very traditional and are of the mentality of "listen to your husband"

if i did say it to his family they wouldnt believe me and they would think its my fault.

he wont leave as its his house he pays the mortgage etc etc. he will refuse to go.

looked on womens aid website but dont want to involve police.

OP posts:
choufleur · 04/05/2009 19:56

is it completely his house? only his name on the mortgage or does he just pay it?

it is NOT your fault! violence is never acceptable and is his problem not yours.

ScummyMummy · 04/05/2009 19:56

Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you probably need to leave him, from what you've said so far. Can you and ds go and stay with a friend for a little while? Get some space to think?

Original poster
yummytummy · 04/05/2009 19:59

no both names on mortgage but he pays it. dont really have anywhere to stay and cant take time off from work and ds nursery is close by.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 04/05/2009 20:03

You poor thing. you are not to blame. You are between a rock and a hard place you think.
I presume you are an intelligent woman but have been ground down by this abuse.
Please speak to someone from WA as a one to one conversation would be sooo beneficial at the moment. No one will do anything you don't want them to untill you are ready.
Re: your wrist. Have you seen one of his colleagues or did you go to a&e and did you tell them the truth.

choufleur · 04/05/2009 20:03

it's not his house then it belongs to you both.

It's not that simple though i realise as just asking him to leave. You need to speak to someone with specialist knowledge, particularly about what options and support there is in your local area.

If you are worried abuot him finding out about you talking to people could you call when you are at work?

I know you said that you don't want to involve the police but having a log of incidents helps in the long run, even if, (fingers crossed) nothing happens again.

Original poster
yummytummy · 04/05/2009 20:08

would be helpful to talk to someone, thanks for idea of ringing from work, so hard to think straight when you are upset. about the wrist believe it or not he looked at it and examined and advised as wouldnt have been able to drive to a and e due to the pain.

OP posts:
DeeBlindMice · 04/05/2009 20:15

Someone other than him needs to see your wrist. Can you get to A&E to report the injury? At least then there will be some record of it if and when you are ready to involve the police.

there is something so horrific about a doctor treating an injury he's just caused in this way

choufleur is right, speaking to someone who can give you specialist advice on this will be really valuable. There are many women who post here regularly who have used (and worked for) WA and they say wonderful things about them.

mamas12 · 04/05/2009 20:16

omg I hope he hasn't given you bogus advise re wrist because being found out.

mamas12 · 04/05/2009 20:18

xpost
Please go see someone else about your wrist and go from there.

Original poster
yummytummy · 04/05/2009 20:20

no dont think its bogus. i have a medical background too and asked some colleagues today as well who said what he said. i know its a bit twisted though. will try WA tomorrow. just still so upset that this has happened, am trying not to cry as ds gets upset but will be hard when i try to sleep.

OP posts:
tribpot · 04/05/2009 20:23

He treated an injury he had inflicted? You realise the BMA are going to slaughter him? (Metaphorically I should add). As a medic surely his response should have been either to take you to A&E or phone an ambulance.

I know you don't want to involve the police but I think you should talk to their DV counseller and take a view. Does your work have access to counselling services? (I work for the NHS and we do).

Please do phone Women's Aid.

DeeBlindMice · 04/05/2009 20:29

Well you can cry once your DS is in bed and you are trying to go to sleep. Of course you're upset, it must be devastating to find yourself in this position of being physically hurt by the person you should be closest to in the world.

As much as you can though, try to stay out of his way and don't let him see how upset you are.

Once you call WA tomorrow you will be able to unburden yourself in a way you don't feel able to with your family. Hopefully then you will be able to start putting a plan of action in place to make sure he never gets to do this to you again.

mamas12 · 04/05/2009 20:30

Let it all out tonight with a good cry and then phone WA tommorrow and then post on here you will get some good support.

Original poster
yummytummy · 05/05/2009 15:21

have tried WA but they have been engaged and put me on hold for ages so havnt got through to anyone. am starting to feel angry now at what he's done to me, it destroys your self confidence and makes u into something you're not. hate feeling like this.not sure where to go from here. plus aching wrist a constant reminder. and ds playing up today am worried he's upset by the atmosphere.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/05/2009 15:28

Please keep trying WA.

I'm pretty shocked at what your Dad has said to be honest. My Dad would come and kick my husband's arse if he so much as laid a finger on me.

Please do go and see your own GP about your wrist. You need to have it on record. I expect that your H is shitting himself which is why he's told you it's fine.

choufleur · 05/05/2009 15:30

are there any other organisations locally - women's aid are great but there may be other groups who operate locally who are easier to get through to. just look on yell.com or google it.

if your wrist is still hurting go and see yoru doctor. it's confidential (as i'm sure you know) but it will be a record.

junglist1 · 05/05/2009 15:38

So his parents would blame you would they? That's lovely, for a start. No wonder he thinks he can act however he wants.
The first time is a terrible shock, but this lessens with every incident, until you come to expect it. You then become emmeshed in a cycle of abuse that's f ing hard to get out of.
Relate won't help, because you can't talk freely in front of someone who might punish you later. Anger management won't help either, because as you said all his anger is for you, so he is in control of it. Can I reccomend you read Lundy Bancrofts book, Why Does he do That? It has helped a lot of abused women and has great advice.
By the way, you keep your head up girl! This is NOT because of you in any way, don't lose your confidence over him, please.

GetOrfMoiLand · 05/05/2009 15:49

Poor you. I think that you know that what he is doing is completely unacceptable however if he has ground you down for a significant length of time I expect that you can't see the wood for the trees, so to speak.

How horrific that he has treated the injury he has inflicted in this way. And that you have to 'wait til he calms down'. Also I find your family's reaction alarming. They expect you to 'listen to your husband'. And your dad has told you to wait?

You are evidently an intelligent woman, however a combination of what seem to be your family's very traditional views on what constitutes a marriage, plus your being ground down by DP, added to which he is a 'respectable' member of the community all makes it very difficult for you to speak out. However, you do know that this is wrong, and your coming onto MN is the first admittance that it is wrong.

Please please try your local Domestic Violence support as suggested by other posters (sorry, I do not have specific advice however other MNers will), and also please please go to your own GP. It will be confidential. he needs to realise that what he is doing is assault and is utterly unacceptable. He does not seem at the moment to be at all sorry, why must he have to calm down. What he has done is wrong and I am so sorry but if you leave it it will get worse for you and your child.

maltesers · 05/05/2009 16:36

Dont be ashamed of what has happened... hopefully you will try and tell your paraents... and maybe with support they could relay the events to his parents..
Make it obvious that the sun does not shine out of his arse.. he has been aggressive towards you and you MUST not tolerate it.
I have been through the same experience and it only gets worse. They realise you will tolerate it and think then they can get away with it. I know it is hard to tell family, but you must make them see what you are putting up with. Get help and support now before it deteriorates. Best of luck, stay strong and know you are in the right . x

Original poster
yummytummy · 05/05/2009 18:52

thanks for the support and advice. i went to the local minor injuries unit today and nurse there was v helpful. am glad its on record now. have to go back for an xray tomorrow. she has givem me local numbers which i will try tomorrow. she also said violence is on the increase due to credit crunch. so sad to think its so common. am now feeling v angry. he's trying to act normal and talk about routine eg ds nursery drop-offs etc but when i see him just want to punch him but cant as he could hit harder so am just full of supressed rage. am going for a swim now but hopefully will ring tomorrow for advice. please give any more advice if u can.

is it possible to salvage a marriage after something like this? have been together 15 years and been through other stuff ok.

OP posts:
junglist1 · 05/05/2009 19:15

It depends entirely on him whether it can work out or not. He has to change his attitude towards you completely, and learn to respect you as a partner and mother to his child. You can tell him what you will and won't accept, and he has to agree to your terms, because you're the injured party. His parents should be involved if poss, because if they back him in his abuse of you he will feel justified. Good luck

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