devastated by husbands violence dont know what to do

[yummytummy]

am just in shock right now. had a fight with husband yest over nothing, he took offence to a comment i made which was meant as a joke and then pushed me so i fell and sprained my wrist. he did apologise today but says he still needs time to calm down before he can talk and if i go on about it am scared he will lash out again.

to be honest its the last straw, things have been so bad between us lately and he wont go to relate and refuses to talk. i feel so sad as the relationship used to be good and we have 18m old ds. i know when u have a fight its normal to lash out verbally but this is too much. also have constant digs that i dont "take care of myself" i know i'm a bit bigger than before ds but not much and i do lots of swimming etc. but dont know if its meant or just said in anger. am just questioning myself and have no self esteem.

dont really want to split up but have had enough of the anger and now i'm afraid if i try to talk will get hit again.

please help. cant really chat to anyone and both our families think the sun shines out of his a**e. he reserves all the anger for me.

I am going through something similar. My partner been violent several times now, each time worse, but not ever hurt me really badly (hit me round head, thrown fork at me, but missed, thrown me on bed/floor, threatened me, held me up against kitchen surface). We going to Relate - just started going - seems quite helpful so far - but he has to admit his responsibility for abuse - if the Relate runs its course and he doesn't, then I will know its no use hoping he will change. He never used to be like this. I too have no-one to talk to or go and have told his parents, who don't seem to tell him its his fault, more like its both of ours. I argue verbally, but any comment these days seems to make him angry.
I am just hoping, as you are that we can stop all this and have a happy family. My 3 year old son and 10 month old baby adore him. I don't want to ruin their chances of a nice family life if we can manage it, but don't want to put them through hell or make them violent either.
Its relieving to me to hear someone else's story in same position, but also scary to read other posters' advice, which I know is right, but I daren't act on yet (i.e. leave with kids)
Incidently, told him last night I had logged incident with police and he went mad, said I was a bitch and was trying to ruin his life. I haven't actually done it yet, but will do after the next one. He said to me if we split he will deny all incidences and I have no proof...

I have a thread on this forum too, my dh left today for a "seperation period", I have never said or done anything about his "outbursts" before,started with punching holes in the walls 17 yrs ago, then pushes, then proper hits,sometimes with a few years in between, so not regular, but this time he hit me in front of our children, the sounds of them crying "daddy stop, daddy don't" is still heartbreaking and made me realise I had to do something. He left today (to give me space to think) and my emotions are all over the place, so I don't know if I can give anyone else an answer, just wanted to say that all the mn advice about things getting worse was definately true in my case.

thanks, you are right, I will ring dv helpline tomorrow and see how to log with police.
Guess I am in denial, trying to see if it all goes away. I had a great dad myself - just want it for my boys too...

how old are your kids, mpuddleduck? What have you said to them about it?
My fear of leaving is that my kids will blame me in the future for taking them away.
I find I make differnt decisions when emotional and something just happened, then later when we make up and things seem normal and happy again, I go back on those decisions.
Good luck

My children are 14, 11, 5 (slept through the whole thing, no idea why we slept in the car)and 2, Iam having real problems with the feelings of guilt, but remember my eldest not wanting to leave, then after dh wouldn't stop hitting me she just grabbed my youngest child from her bed and ran to the car. Iam hoping they understand.

thankyou for posting meand two little boys and the others who replied. while i feel sad this is happening to others it also helps me feel less alone. i rang womens aid today and they have given me many support numbers. will try to suggest anger management relate etc to him but even if that doesnt work they have given other numbers for help for me and ds. its worth ringing them as calls dont appear on a landline bill. its horrible living in fear when the one person you thought would protect you doesnt.

the x-ray i had today showed wrist is fractured and that has made me so angry that i have to do something.

dont know if its resolvable at this point but am finding it so hard at the moment and trying to keep normal in front of ds is hard but i know he can sense something even at 18 months.

please keep posting the support here is all i have

Yummy - I'm afraid I have no additional useful advice. Others seem more experienced in this. Just wanted to know I am thinking of you and yr little ds. Also the same for Muddle and meandtwo

Take care of yourselves and your lovely dcs

He is probably ashamed of his behaviour... especially in his profession..
Does he drink ?? Was he a bit drunk when he pushed you? Is he under great pressure at work ??
What ever the reason, i dont think that kind of behaviour is acceptable. shouting..yes or even punching the door but NOT pushing you till you fell over.
I had the same treatment several years ago from my Ex partner , and he dragged me backwards till i fell over. I grazed by back. He also grabbed me round the head and put his hand over my mouth and threw things at me... notably a suitcase down the stairs onto my head. I will never forgive him and wish him nothing good. I put up with his anger and treatment for too long....However, i let my 8 yr old ds see him so he has a father. You must regain your self esteem and try to talk with him when the right time is there and i hope he will do something to change. Go to councelling or Relate. I wish you well and hope you can get your situation sorted. Good luck .

yummymummy

He has fractured your wrist and that should be reported to the Police. Many forces do take domestic violence seriously thes days.

If you go to Relate you need to go on your own. He could well try to manipulate the counsellor and situation and blame you for it all. There is never any justification for violence. It sounds like he knew exactly what he was doing. Small wonder your self esteem is through the floor - he knows this and uses that against you to keep you in check. It also stops you leaving.

You have stated previously in your initial post that your H won't go to Relate. Also anger management is of no use at all if domestic violence is an issue because that can justify the abuse in their own mind. If he does anything course wise it needs to be a perpetrators course. Which is something he won't likely do for you or anyone else. He likely does not think he's done anything wrong.

Do ring the support numbers WA gave you and get support for your own self.

Your child would not thank you longer term for staying with a violent man who is not above hurting his Mummy. He could well wonder why you chose to stay with the H. Even an 18 month old will pick up on all the bad vibes between you. You have a choice ultimately; your son has no say. Domestic violence and or verbal abuse (abuse is not just physical in nature either, I note he also makes snide comments about your appearance) is extremely damaging for children to witness. Not just to say yourself.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - you cannot afford to impart damaging lessons to your child. What are you both teaching your son here?. You and your son can have a happier life without fear of violence - you both deserve at least that much. Denial is a powerful force but you cannot let denial and disbelief cloud what has happened here.

Your primary responsibility is to your own self and your child. Not him, he does not figure.

Can you go and stay with your parents?

He has caused you physical and emotional damage and your kids deserve better. So do you.

oh no I am sorry about your wrist too.
Are you in a sling and how long will it be out of action?
What was his response?
Yummy can I ask what are you telling people in rl what happened to your wrist? How horrible is that to try and explain.
Please ring for more one to one support from one of the numbers you have been given. There is more support as well as us mners!
Can you go and stay with parents, friend or even go to a hotel and get pampered (charging him of course) perhaps too inflammatory.
Anyway, you need to think of you and your dc now
Sorry about all the questions

Yummytummy, glad you have sorted your wrist out as it means that the incident is logged with your gp. Also, I got told that by seeking help from womensaid, etc, then you will start building up a file of seeking help of a DV nature. All this needs recording to safeguard you in the future.
I rang the DV unit of my local police. I got as far as talking to them. But not sure how far police will take it at this point (I am undecided as to if I want to finish the relationship without giving the councelling a go first). My dh was mad when he found out I told police, but Relate session seemed to calm him down and I explained to him I did it to protect myself, not get at him - I gave my name to police not his, etc. If anything, its made him realise how serious it is. I have some hope at the mo that Relate might work.
Do you think your dh is shocked? Did he underestimate his own power - no excuse, but have you told him its fractured? It would be interesting to know his reaction.

Mpuddleduck, I feel awful for you, with older children witnessing it, even the 5 year old. Have you talked with your eldest? She/he did the right thing getting in the car, but you should pack a bag (see list on womensaid) and also arrange with kids for safe place to escape, eg. neighbour? They are obviously scared of him like this too. Its really hard to make the decision to leave or not. I keep thinking, what if in the future, he has new partner, is still violent and my kids staying with him for weekend, etc, still affected by it.

Incidently, does anyone know how to get link to this message strand off the bit where you type in website address? It keeps automatically coming up in a list when I type in www.mum... Really don't need this happening on shared computer!

to op so sorry - is very confusing when you been hurt and yet try to carry on - is a period of falseness... long term the sitaution has to be addressed. he has to address his issues.

op and meandtwolittleboys -

joint counselling is not a good idea when there is domestic abuse. see lundy bancroft book why does he do that on amazon.co.uk

please also read

www.biscmi.org/documents/MEDIATION_AND_DOMESTIC_VIOLENCE.html

aplies equally to couples counselling
see

i had a better link cant find it now

Yummytummy - how are you? What is happening now?

Are you both still in the house? What was his reaction to your broken wrist (that he failed to treat properly out of self interest)?

I hope you are ok and taking steps to get safe

hi, have come to my mums for wkend. just getting away is nice. with the wrist i have just lied to most people in rl. just told parents and one friend and the medical people. have found out about local support groups etc so will try those. also went to relate and we may go for counselling but has to be separatly at 1st due to violence then together. just feel really low not sure if can feel better about myself or the relationship. think we are both just fed up of each other. but at the same time still have feelings. hate this situation so much. parents arent really that helpful, more like u need to communicate, just do what he wants keep him happy blah blah blah. i feel very irrelevant in all this.

how ru meand twolittleboys and the other mnetters who posted? i really hope this situation improves for everyone.

Hi all.

I have no experience of violence in a relationship, but want to add what I have learnt from others who have.

One was a woman who had grown up as a child in a violent relationship. She remembered hoping that her mother would keep screaming, because then, atleast, they knew she was still alive

Another was the partner in a violent relationship, and her son is suffering as a young teenager some years later on.

Please don't feel that "staying together for the kids" is necessarily the best thing.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please take care of yourselves and your children.

cestlavielife, thanks for the links and I am going to get that lundy bancroft book.

Our relate counseller also recommended one for my partner to read on anger.. will try to find out its title and author and repost for others benefit.

Yummy..

Where are you at now? Glad he agreed to go to relate. Shame your parents are ignoring your feelings. I guess they are practical people, so might help you more if you ever did leave?

Sorry I only get on computer about once a week.. will keep posting though.