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Original poster

So, i'm crap in bed...

29 replies

SpinyNorman · 04/05/2009 14:48

I have a 7mo DD and for about a year have had a very low sex-drive, i'm really trying to get our sex life back on track, me and DP had a really good talk and he has stopped nagging me about it all the time, i told him i felt unattractive so he has started giving me compliments more, etc etc. he is really trying too.

The thing is, i'm rubbish in bed. DP has never said anything about it, but i know its true. I have a fear of embarrasing myself, or people laughing at me, i'm not sure why, i've always been this way.

For example, when we have sex i can't bear for him to look at me, i constantly pull him down to me if he is on top and kiss him, i hate the thought of him looking at my face and seeing the faces i make during

He is soo attentive and would do and try anything i asked him to, but i'm too damn shy to say anything. FGS i don't even have the balls to initiate sex, and never have in the whole 5 years we've been together

I get so frustrated with myself, but i'm so self concious

arrrgh

sorry for the essay, i just don't know how to learn to really relax when we have sex, and not care what i look like

OP posts:
SOLOisMeredithGrey · 04/05/2009 14:52

I think this is a common thing for a lot of women and I'm pretty sure that SGB will be along at some point to give you some good advice and pointers.

Original poster
SpinyNorman · 04/05/2009 14:52

Oh, and even more TMI,i know he would like me to give him oral sex, but i just cant bring myself to do it, i've never done it before because of this stupid fear of embarrasing myself. He's told me we can take it slow and it doesn't matter if i've not done it before, i want to try it but aaaargh

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinyNorman · 04/05/2009 14:53

thanks solo

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 04/05/2009 14:54

To be crap in bad you have to lie there like thiswhich I ma sure you do not do

Men like to see women turned on. It turns them on. He wants to see you enjoying yourself. If you are too shy to tell him what you like, write it down. Do it with the lights dimmed or by candlelight. Be brave, he's your dh and he obviously still fancies you.

StirlingTheStrong · 04/05/2009 14:59

I dont know if you would consider it but Relate do Sex Therapy Counselling, helping people with issues like this.

Why not give it a go? What's the worst that can happen?

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 04/05/2009 14:59

mrsm, you speak sense about the candle light. I have done that in the past(first time with a new man)and we went on to have a raging good sex life...it's often the initial embarrassment.

Original poster
SpinyNorman · 04/05/2009 15:03

yes, i think that if i had just got on with it at the beginning of the relationship then there wouldn't be a problem now,i'm going to see if i can sort this out myself first, before trying counselling. I can't believe i've left it this long before trying to tackle this problem.

OP posts:
oncebit · 04/05/2009 15:26

Who is SGB?

Alambil · 04/05/2009 15:33

solidgoldbrass (I think) - another MNer renowned for her good sex advice

Hawkmoth · 04/05/2009 15:59

Can't you get a bit pissed and blindfold him? Then explore him like he's a new toy and there's noone watching.

He'll be so turned on even if all you do is kiss his chest and have a proper good look at his pennies. But you'll be able to relax and pull whatever faces you want.

mrsmaidamess · 04/05/2009 16:00

PENNIES!!!! Lol

Original poster
SpinyNorman · 04/05/2009 16:03

lol, nearly spat out my orange juice then hawkmoth

Thats definatley a good idea though, he'll think all his christmas's have come at once

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 04/05/2009 16:04

That's the funniest thing I've read on here for a while

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/05/2009 16:09

SpinyNorman, would you consider a book? I haven't read this one but Dr Ruth is generally brilliant.

hunnybun1981 · 04/05/2009 21:30

get drunk very drunk (if u can get the babe minded)

trust me all inhibitions will disapear ur partner loves you he will be happy for you to try

oral sex can be enjoyable one u get used to it and u really cant go wrong with it just be gentle and take his direction.

you have had his baby and i am sure he loves you no matter what.

good luck

Fizzylemonade · 04/05/2009 21:45

I agree the blindfold thing would be good, intensifies the feelings as you cut one of his senses and plus he doesn't see you so you can't get embarrassed.

Plus giving him a blow job would make his year

Does he make faces when he is enjoying himself? Unless he has a face of stone he is willing to let himself go infront of you.

I know you say you haven't initiated sex before so imagine how happy he would be if you not only did this but blindfolded him you could tell him all the inspiration had come from MN and he'll let you spend hours on here

twoclimbingboys · 04/05/2009 21:48

I agree with hunnybun and would say get really drunk and maybe the lights dim or off may help at first.

I enjoyed 'sex tips for girls' type programmes when I hadn't done much sexually before, just so that I felt like I had a vague idea of what to do when I did finally see a man naked! One showed women giving oral sex to vibrators etc and I thought it was helpful.

Good Luck

savageisfat · 04/05/2009 21:48

Oh God sI could have written this op! I do the same pulling him down thing so he can't see me. I never know whather I should be looking at him or close my eyes, I just find it too intimate which is ridicullous because of course it's bloody intimate, it's meant to be!

I really hate having sex with the lights on. I really feel like the clumsiest and most horrible lover ever. I don't just lay there but I do feel like I get it wrong or I don't do enough or I do too much and it's just so uncomfortabe to feel like I'm crap!

DH has never mentioned it and I have given oral sex, can't say as I enjoy it but every now and then if I'm in the mood for being generous I'll give it a go! I actually feel more confident doing that then having sex, maybe cos he's not feeling my fat bang against him or he can't really see my face, not sure!

Just wanted you to know that I really think a lot of women feel the same and I'm sure you're not crap and so what???! It's just sex. It's a tiny part of the relationship that you both have which by the way sounds very solid. He does sound very considerate and I'm sure he's not thinking the things you think he does!

sayithowitis · 04/05/2009 22:30

The blindfold sounds like a good idea.It might help with your shyness as well as actually being quite sexy for your DH. If you are not comfortable with that to begin with, how about initiating sex for the first time? if you don't feel you could say it outright, could you send him a text whilst you are sitting down after dinner? I do that, and its a great turn on when he reads the text and just gives me that look,and often a text back! Our teenage sons are usually around and think we are just being stupid sending texts to each other! ( We tell them we have spare ones to use up! amazingly they believe us! Or are too embarassed to say otherwise!)
Anyway, if you have never initiated before, maybe that would be a good start and everything else will fall in to line as it were.
Good luck!

PortBlacksandResident · 04/05/2009 22:44

If you are worried about a blow job ending in erm.......mess (and it's not as bad as you may think). Get him to wear a (nice tasting) condom. Then you can enjoy it knowing that no matter what happens you don't have to worry iyswim. Do it while he's standing up for extra kinkiness .

AnyFucker · 05/05/2009 09:18

get children outta the way

wine

weed

something sexy to read/watch

inhibitions

ohdearwhatnext · 05/05/2009 18:36

maybe do it in small steps- think of one thing you are really embarrassed to do/ be seen to have done, and then try to get over it? (?)

I don't think you can reasonably expect to go from being shy to being a vamp in one night- but little by little might do the trick.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 05/05/2009 18:51

Hello. Please don't worry: I can tell you that you are definitely not crap in bed - because you are worried about it and want to please your partner. People who are crap in bed either visibly show boredom and distaste, or they are the ones who do not care what their partner is thinking and feeling as long as they get their own jollies.
I would also suggest having a look at the Lovehoney site: yes, they mainly exist to sell sex toys but they do have a lot of articles about sex and how to have more fun with it. Also, how about reading some erotic fiction? Sometimes that will give you ideas for things you want to try or just put you in the right mood.
A glass or two of wine is a good idea as well but not too much: throwing up on your partner mid-blowjob is not erotic to very many people.

Original poster
SpinyNorman · 06/05/2009 17:15

Thanks for all the excellent advice everyone, DP announced yesterday that not only are we going out on friday night, we are also going to stay in a hotel so that he can have a drink.

mum is having DD for the night so all i have to do on friday is pack some nice underwear and get steaming drunk

OP posts:
Thefearlessfreak · 06/05/2009 17:24

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