breaking up with young children: do we wait, try harder, or just call it quits?

[MaeBee]

i'm not in love with my partner any more, and haven't been for some time. i find sex a bit of a chore (although, admittedly, i have had a lot of physical problems in the pants area since childbirth, and these don't help!), and i sort of feel reluctant even to kiss and be affectionate. i do love and care for him considerably. it would break his heart if i told him i wasn't in love.
we argue quite a bit too, and i feel generally disatisfied with the relationship. i have always been very independent and i feel quite trapped by him, even though everyone would think we have a very easy, relaxed relationship. we have an open relationship in theory, he has a girlfriend he sees about once a week in leeds, i am currently without extra marital relationships, but we have strict rules about keeping it seperate from the famly. he is very insecure and jealous though, and at the moment doesn't feel he can cope with me starting something new. especially as our sex life is so bad. but, as i said, i don't actually fancy him anymore.
but we have a child who is not yet 3, and i know this can be a particularly terrible time for breaking up. seeing as theres nothing intensely wrong, should we just stick it out til my ds is older? has anyone broken up a fairly amicable relationship and how was it?
i don't know how we would decide custody and who gets the house either, and as he doesn't work i worry that he wouldn't cope financially without me. we do 50/50 childcare.
any thoughts?
please be kind, i'm really trying to think things through!

so he has a girlfriend but doesn't think he could cope with you having someone else?

Double bloody standards or what?

Worst thing you can do for your child is to stay in an unhappy relationship, and have him see you arguing all the time and know that you hate each other - if you don't now, you will! And that you are only together because of him - will he thank you for it or will he feel it's his fault? (N.B. kids usually go down the 'it's my fault' route)

3 is young enough to adapt. TEENS are a bad time for parental breakups! 3 is young enough to cope and grow up used to it.

Look, if you were both happy co-parenting and housesharing, then I'd say go for it, whatever works for you. But it's not working, is it?

I think you know what you have to do.

Maebee, what a sad situation. Am stunned he has a girlfriend but he would not want you to see someone else. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. Personally I could not live with that. I would strongly advise counselling for you both, or just you if he won't go with you, in order to straighten your thoughts.

What a situation. Hopefully others will be along soon with better advice.

Ridiculous. You have an open relationship my arse. How can he afford to have a partner AND a girlfriend if he doesn't work? No one would want to have sex in your position.

For God's sake just kick him out and be done with it.

i do work, yes, only 2.5 days a week though, he does slightly more childcare than me in return. he is a musician so is pretty busy, but it doesnt bring in an income. we both have lots of other projects that are work, but not paid. feel you guys being a bit harsh on him!
i did, til recently, have another relationship. at the moment he is pretty depressed from being overweight and i think thats making him feel more insecure. i am delighted he has another relationship, don't think that its sad for me that he sees someone else! its great for me cos i get more space and, really, i have always refused to do monogamy with anyone.

also, as usual, i feel i've painted him unfairly bleakly! he was good about my previous relationship but its always a struggle for him with jealousy because he is still head over heels in love with me. its not that he says i CAN'T, but that it would be very hurtful esp at moment.

ok fair enough maebee but if you feel reluctant to even kiss him or be affectionate then something is very wrong with the relationship and if you can't fix it there is no point in carrying on is there?

well, we can only go on what you say and your op painted a pretty awful picture. - you're not in love with him, you don't like sex with him, you don't even want to kiss him, you argue a lot, you are dissatisfied and feel trapped, he has a girlfriend but doesn't want you to see anyone because he's jealous .. and you think we've been harsh in our replies? [boggle]

i guess technically we are on the breadline, but i certainly don't feel poor. we don't own a car, we live in a housing co-op so its dead cheap rent, we grow some of our own veg, we cycle everywhere, i loathe clothes shopping: these don't feel like frugal measures, just the way i prefer to live. so no, its not really a money problem. also, he currently is a stay at home dad, our son isn't in childcare. so that is work in-kind. but when ds turns 3 and gets his 15 free hours and goes to kindergarten, i might feel a bit different!
we have sex about once a week. he still desires me as much as when we first met and would like to be every day. its usually ok once we start, but its like i don't want to beforehand. my libido used to be very high, and we were a very sexual couple: now its very low. partly, this is because i have some ovary problem with bleeding after sex thats started, and he's being very kind and patient about it. i foolishly use it as an excuse to explain why i don't feel sexual with him though, and so i guess cos i don't show desire for him, he now finds it extra threatening when i fancy someone else.
i was seeing someone else for a year, only split up with them a month ago. its much more ME that won't do monogamy. as i said, its very important for me that he sees other people.
if i desired him, he would be much happier for me to see other people, but as my desire is so low it makes him sad if i fancy other people. he still fancies me loads.
but when the desire for your partner goes, do you stick together? can it come back? he is trying to lose weight at the moment so that might make him more confident and i might fancy him again? is it unrealistic to expect to feel high passion for someone you live with and have kids with?
i think if i was a man saying this about a woman people would probably think i was the baddie. and it certainly wouldn't be automatic that i would get the house/have child live with me, it would have to be something carefully negotiated. i feel terribly, terribly guilty that i don't feel in love with him, and i wish i did, because then he wouldn't get jealous, we wouldn;t argue as much, everything would be dandy. ouch. i wish i could control who i desired more!

If you're in a housing situation they will surely re-house you and dc or you partner whilst allowing the other one to remain in the current place? In which case, it might be worth putting that in motion. You might find the breathing space allows you to get a bit of perspective whilst you sort out the sort of relationship you wish to maintain.

This will probably be co-parenting and close emotional support for the pair of you.

I do think you start this asap. If he really is as in love with you as you say (and I see no reason to disbelieve you) you are only putting the brakes on his emotional development and happiness by staying, which is not kind to him in the long term.

Reading your post, I am not at all judgmental about non-monogamy BUT what is coming across loud and clear is that this particular non-monogamous relationship is not working. Another thing that comes across is that what is keeping you here, in a less than ideal situation, is a niggling worry that this is, in some way, an "optimum" set-up for you.

So the question is - why is that? I wonder if it is because you really, really don't want to have a monogamous set-up and what you have found in your current partner is someone who accepts this. So, despite the fact that you are not having a great sex-life, despite the fact that the emotional support side is going down the pan, despite the fact that he is unhappy and you are unhappy, and despite the fact that HE IS ASKING YOU TO BE (TEMPORARILY?) MONOGAMOUS you are actually thinking about to hold on to the current situation.

Non-monogamous relationships are indeed outside the norm but they are not impossible. What they do require is a great deal of openness premissed on a huge amount of self-awareness and clarity.

I think you really need to sit and think about how you feel/what you want and be ruthlessly honest.

Also, I know you aren't going to like this, but enormous numbers of non-monogamous relationships come apart under the changed situation of having dc.

Sorry, me again, but is it that he actually wants a monogamous relationship? Is he using the gf to supply a extra dose of emotional closeness that you won't give him? Does he have the gf because you, without ever saying it, insist he has some token that he is not wholly with you?

It does sound from your post that you find the whole "one couple together, all in all" thing suffocating.

If he doesn't feel the same way, but is going along with it because he wants to be with you, in whatever form, it does not make for long-term happiness and is a bit sad for him - but also a bit sad for you.

Have you ever felt truly in love with him? It honestly sounds to me like you can't bear intimacy, can't bear being really close to someone.

we are both committed in theory to an open relationship. i think,as you say cherryblossoms, that maybe i am less commited to my relationship with him than he is with me. he is more willing to compromise for our relationship and our family. but that is because he feels more for me.
i think you are quite spot on here, and in some ways it is 'optimum' for me, despite making me unhappy. if we didn't have a child we wouldn't be living together for sure. we only moved in together to co-parent.
i have a huge division inside myself. one part of me yearns for a Little House on the Prairie type of existence, and the other wants total freedom and to go off the rails. the two co-exist uneasily. he gets really worried when i go off on a drinking binge, rolling in at 4am (to be fair this is only about once a month now, if that)and thinks i need to grow out of that as i'm a parent. maybe he's right. i feel over burdened by responsibility though, that i'm looking after his needs, my son's needs etc.
what we would both like is to be in love and bring up our child and have an open relationship and other freedoms to explore our outside activities (we are both activists and involved in political stuff). but yes, it is sad for both of us, because i do not feel so in love anymore. but obviously my son adores him. and lets be ruthlessly honest, it makes it easy for me cos i don't have to arrange other childcare, cos he does it usually.
i do find coupledom suffocating though. i can't quite bear being a family. i both crave and rebel against it simultaneously.
and also, its like after i had my son, my desires changed. i somehow am more attracted to more manly types now, wheras before that would have been quite repulsive. but its almost as if i want someone who would look after me.

laurie: i was madly in love with him. but, as with all my partners, its like i get bored after the honeymoon period finishes and move on emotionally. usually i can just finish it, but we have a child so its different.
i know i come across as some stereotypical philandering man in some bad movie!

maybe think about some counselling? This 'splitting' your talking about can be reconciled through good therapy.

Sorry for what you're going through

'bored' is a very harsh word to use against yourself - it's much more likely to be fear of being in relationship.

'i can't quite bear being a family' - sounds like an intimacy ishoooo to me

being intimate is really hard for some people because of childhood, past relationships etc.

thanks laurie, although now i'm crying...! (and i'm far too manly for that...)

Do you mind me asking if you planned your ds - or did you find yourself pregnant and now feel that everything that's happened has been out of your control so you kind of resent him as he can still go off to leeds and carry on with his life pretty much as he did before where as you feel like you always need to make sure ds is ok and cared for and looked after before you can do anything you really want/need to do??

aw, bless

From reading what you've written you sound like you're kind of at a crossroads - not sure whether to leave the relationship (like you've done before) or stay and think about changing it.

You're very insightful though about who you are, you have a good handle on your possible problems.

blushing - i did plan ds. he was very much wanted, but i found motherhood a whole heap harder than i expected. i had a difficult birth, and ds and me didnt bond very easily. think i was pretty depressed for first year.
but now me and ds are great friends and very close. i do get a lot of freedom compared to most people i think! i usually have a weekend every month or so when i go away without the family, i have time off children/work every week etc.
dp and me have seperate bedrooms in our house (apparantly even as a child i swore i would never share a bedroom when i got 'married'.)
i guess i just fell out of love/passion and i don't know what to do with that. and i guess apart from ds, the most important thing to me is to feel free.

It is honestly possible to feel 'free' in relationships - although you wouldn't think it will all the awful abusive and neglected relationships on mumsnet

Don't feel guilty for how you feel. You are not a baddie.

I am absolutely convinced it's part of a huge under-researched continent of female sexuality/psychology and far, far more common than you think. historically, women have not had the autonomy or time or the legitimation of "interest" to explore or document these feelings.

What strikes me from your later posts is that your feelings are "in transit" at the moment; you're still sorting them out. Which makes it very difficult to say what you should do right now, immediately.

I do think it would be a really good idea to see a counsellor , so that you can spend some time working things out in your head, running them through a disinterested third party, then acting accordingly.

You and your partner are utopians, moving towards the uncreated, which means that it's up to you to sort out the situation that suits you all best. On the plus side, you don't need to choose an off the shelf solution, on the minus side, you're going to have to build it from scratch and put work in. Relationship and situations change, so you'll have to keep on reviewing the relationship you set up - this is just the first of many changes. Or maybe it's the first real biggie (having dc is a huge life-change).

Again - you're not a baddie. What you seem to be after is autonomy which takes account of intersubjectivity; freedom which acknowledges the importance of others (their reality, their feelings, their importance in your life, your dependence on them).

Our society has really poor models of these, for a start, they tend to get separated and opposed as concepts. In a way, you need to look at the lives others have bequeathed to history for a sense of how you might/might not want live. Even though a lot of those can be demoralising!

Good luck.

i hate the having to discuss everything, i bitterly resent it if i'm expected home at a certain time or have to say where i'm going. its like i never stopped being a teenager. hence the reeling home slaughtered unable to get my key in the door. i don't think dp is controlling: i think i have a very low threshold for feeling controlled.
and i don't fancy him usually, but then, i don't think i'd fancy anyone i felt totally secure and commited with. i like a bit of chase, i get aroused by jealousy, the competition. and he has gone downhill physically (if thats not too mean to say) and he feels there is a big gap between us now, that not only do i have all the power but that i'm an attractive woman and he's, as he says 'a fat, bald man'.