Venting time - bit long, bit mad

[abedelia]

Right, I really need to have a good vent today as otherwise I am going to go frickin' nuts... brief history: am currently in the process of rebuilding after H's affair 7 months ago with an ex-workmate he had obsessed over at work for ages, had a few weeks' emotional affair with after he left when she finally showed interest and had a one night stand with. After this I found out and it became was quite clear she was a loon who had told him her ex love of her life was dead when he wasn't to get sympathy etc, made up interests and hobbies to make herself seem interesting and so forth.

So, since taking the decision to stay with me and cutting contact, admitting she was VERY odd despite being a functional friend for a few years before and him having trouble reconciling the fantasist with the friend aspects, he has been pretty good at making me feel valued, loved etc. But after the first 3 months (when we did talk a lot of it through) he started to get angry about talking things over saying they should be forgotten etc as he is so embarrassed and finds it all shameful and never ever thinks about her so why should I, which has been a bit of a barrier to my recovery - it's hard to get reassurance on things such as him saying he'd never really loved me properly when you can't bring up the subject!

Well, he is a writer now and I have just found out he is writing a story about you guessed it, someone's obsession with a person who turns out not to be what they said they were. She even has the same job as that cw.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhh. What an insensitive !!!! I read all his stuff and copy check it before it goes to his book editor. Does he think I won't notice??? He gave me the first chapter last week that just outlined the theme but I found out her occupation and something else that suggests it's based on her after index card of notes fell out when I was changing the bin. I have been so angry I don't trust myself to speak with him so far. So, he can't talk to me but he can publish it to the bloody world? Twt! What do I say without stabbing him to death with a biro??? It is such as shame as we have been getting on really well recently. However, i have to nip this in the bud even if I am furious that all the time I have been making him tea and keeping the dcs away from his office so he can get on with it, he has been musing over his grand romance and thinking of it after all!!!

Oh, and to top it all, I have heard she is spreading rumours about me hacking her Facebook account and doing stuff - my computer skills are bobbins, but what are we - teenagers? I am in my late 30s ffs and even if I knew how would have better things to do.

Also since an ex collegue of theirs let it slip we are thinking of trying again she has been saying that he will never have another dc with me as he told her time and time again he didn't love me enough to do so! I never spoke to her in the aftermath as I wanted to preserve my dignity but I now feel she thinks I am a pushover and I am very, very tempted to give her a (calm) call - might need to take Valium first, just in case - and coldly set her right on that. Obviously, what I'd really like is H to do that and defend me as he was a bit wet in the 'final contact cutting email' to her and I think she still imagines he holds a torch, so he needs to tell her some of the stuff he has been telling me about what he thinks of her and her lies. Of course, if he publishes, in her mind she will be proved right (I'm sure she won't dwell on the bit where her image unravels and he thinks she's a psychotic Emma Bovary without any of the redeeming features).

Feck - I feel like a character in some sort of BBC drama. I hate them both, and I hate myself for not kicking off and trying to preserve the peace at home. And I've come out in a stress-related rash. F*ers. Thankyou.

[thumbwitch]

first, breathe.
second, DON'T call her or contact her - it won't work out at all the way you would like.
third - your DH might be using his writing as a form of catharsis - unburdening himself of his guilt in a way that doesn't involve you reinforcing it at the same time (which is what happens in discussion about it - he can't ignore the hurt he caused you when you sspeak about it, but he can when he writes about it)

might think of more later...

[abedelia]

Oh, just to add to my crappiness, I have been confiding about all this in a mutual (male) friend who has known H for years (even before me). Now he is having marriage troubles and I am getting some suspicious vibes about his intentions towards me. Great.

[thumbwitch]

oh yes - get some Rescue remedy and drink the bottle [only joking about drinking the whole bottle]. That will help with the stress reaction and may reduce the rash.

Sorry to hear this is happening for you - the best thing would be for other people to realise that she is a deluded fantasist; but also you have to accept that mud sticks, however undeserved, and just hold your head high. Anyone who chooses to believe her delusional fantasies isn't worth maintaining any level of friendly contact with.

[thumbwitch]

ooh cross post - step AWAY from the friend...

[PlumBumMum]

Agree with Thumbwitch step away from friend, when I first read your post I thought bastard but he might surprise you, you don't know how the book ends (he might kill her off) you might read his feelings of how he hurt you and this may lead to more disscussion and work out well for you, ifyswim

[abedelia]

I know. I am also angry with the friend (is there anyone I know that I have missed out? ) All the rest of my friends are hundreds of miles away and he was very supportive during the first crisis...

I just can't bear the idea of H slaving away over that particular subject. He is sometimes such an emotional toddler I doubt he has even considered the implications. Perhaps I am stressing about nothing and i should just have it out? Problem is that I went through his notes in the madness after I discovered about her and he is so private about it he said he'd rather I'd had an affair myself.

[thumbwitch]

Could you consider explaining it to him in the sense of how it has made you feel, rather than "having it out" with him? And perahps miss out on the fecking furious bit, just go for the "this hurts me still and your insensitivity to that is hurting me more".

Not particularly out of any sense of consideration for your H, but more because you are likely to be able to continue the conversation if you do it that way and you might get more out of it that helps you in your healing process.

[HolyGuacamole]

My impression is that too much thought is going in the direction of the OW. She is nothing, it was your DH who done the dirty.

Very unthoughtful of him to write a book about it! You need to have that chat with him. Not a fight, or accusing, or arguing, but a proper and frank talk about it. How you feel, how he feels and try to understand each other.

FORGET the OW, it is 100% wasted energy. Don't call her. Who cares what she is saying. Your relationship is with your DH, not her. At some point, maybe not yet, but at some point you have to let your thoughts about her go. If you want to get back to normal with DH, any negativity and constant mentioning or even thinking of the OW will destroy any chance that you have.

She did not force your DH to do anything, he used his own freedom of choice regardless of whether that was based on her lies. I don't accept this 'lamb to the slaughter' scenario when it comes to men 'being forced' into having an affair. He did it, he knew fine well what he was doing and thus he needs to fix it. He is a grown man.

If you cannot get over the OW, then maybe it is better for you to really have a serious think about whether you have a future with your DH at all.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

I think you have to let him get on with the book/story as, like PBM said, it may be his way of getting it all out of his system without having to hurt you all over again. Also, a lot of counsellors and therapists recommend writing a diary/story about traumatic events as a way of venting and finding one's own solutions anyway (possible publication aside; most people's personal feelings on paper are not worth publishing and even if he is a publishable writer otherwise, this may not work out as a viable book).And it may well be that the book ends with some hideous undignified suffering for the OW-character, which you might find cathartic or funny...

[abedelia]

Thanks all - I am going to have a frank chat about the direction of the book, because the anxiety is killing me. He has already been published but yes Solid, something so personal might be a bloomin' disaster.

I might have seemed a bit flippant before but it really is making me unwell so I have to DO something. I've made up my mind to mention the stuff with the OW - I've been concealing it so it doesn't cause tension, but I think that really I shouldn't have to bear the burden and he should know what she is up to - who knows, he may even take action. Getting it out here has made me feel so much better that I know that i also now have to face it with him.

He doesn't think any of their old workmates know anything at all (one of my friends is now gf of one though, but he doesn't know this either) and he would be mortified as before all this he was always the 'voice of morality' there, ha bloody ha. If she is blabbing stuff it may explain why his ex-best workfriend hasn't returned his texts since Dec. I do wonder what she has said - probably that I am the nutter!

[AnyFucker]

I seem to be going against the grain here but....

who the fuck does he think he is ??

he won't talk to you about the aftermath of his grubby little affair but wants to write about it...

cathartic my fucking arse

he wants to wallow, he wants to relive all the "woe is me", all the petty and degrading little details of his squalid romancings

I would absolutely go apeshit about this

it is all about him

do your feelings not matter? This is the most insensitive, fuckwitted, self-obsessed piece of twattery I have read for some time...

omg, I want to kill him

[HolyGuacamole]

I agree AF. It is self absorbed nonsense. There's a difference between writing down your feelings as therapy and writing a book about it and getting your (cheated on) wife to proof it! Astonishing.

The very least he could have done it tell DW that he needs to write this stuff down and discuss what his intentions are with regards to that. Disgraceful behaviour from this man.

As usual, it is all the OW. Great idea to talk to him about it, that is what he should be doing anyway, being open and honest with this wife.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

Oh I missed the bit where the OP is expected to proofread it, that is a bit self-obsessed and thoughtless (just a little) - unless his intention really is to afflict the OW character with bleeding piles, warts and unending parking tickets...

I write fiction myself, and I have to say that in general all fiction writers use what's happening in their lives as at least the starting point for their stories, it's very hard not ot. But that doesn;t mean that what the fictional characters feel is what the writer really feels right now - or what s/he felt then.
Mind you, would it help to start addressing your H as 'Julie' (as in Myerson) to remind him to be less of a self-obsessed twat?

[AnyFucker]

just a lot....

[abedelia]

PMSL at 'Julie'... he will henceforth be known as this to me (makes a change from something beginning with c). Thanks for giving me a laugh.

Now all I need to do is find a time to talk as the miserable friend is permanently welded to the sofa of an evening finding any excuse to have a comforting hug. Pah. Seriously, god knows how much ow would kick off if she saw it - he deserves it, so much for putting it behind us. I seriously don't think that thought has even crossed his mind.

[cherryblossoms]

abdella - Avoid this woman. Seriously. You are obviously bright and funny and I suspect your marriage will be fine. BUT something about what you say is seriously making me think that this woman may be properly bonkers, not just run-of-the-mill bonkers.

My sister's life was made hell by a very crazy woman, who was eventually locked up for stalking. Avoid at all costs, seriously.

And that is a really, really good reason why your dh should think good and hard about whether this "book" is for "catharsis" or publication. If he's aiming for publication, things could get very, very messy. And very, very public.

On a lighter note, and at the risk of sounding silly, have you thought about writing? Seriously. You almost certainly have a greater emotional reach than your dh and it would give you the chance of "seizing the narrative" - because i can see in your posts that it really p* you off that so many other people in this get to "tell the story". You wouldn't have to publish, or not now, anyway ... .

I would be pretty bloody furious in your situation. My eyebrows would be in my hairline over the combination of not talking to you/writing for publication/asking you to proofread. and the proofreading is quite a double thing - it's sort of seeking approval/permission/validation of what is essentially his viewpoint without actually openly seeking it.

Good luck.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Hi Abedelia

I have been wondering whether you got to have that chat with him.

I also think he is self-obsessed and it was crass and insensitive of him to base a book on what was probably for you, the worst event in your life. Might have been different had he discussed this with you first, but I get the impression that he is insufferably precious about his "art" and really needs to grow up.

Can you come back and give us a bit more detail about OW? Has she been saying these things in the knowledge that people know what went on between her and your DH? Did your friend put her straight too? If your friend knows the story (and is willing to) she could send lots of really strong messages about how fantastic your relationship is now, how gorgeous you are looking, how much DH so obviously adores you etc. etc. What was your friend's response to this bitching?

I still think if either you or your DH contact her, it could spell trouble and would send the wrong message, but as you know, I totally understand your need to put OW straight, but I think you can do this via your friend (and her BF, which would also be great.)

Please have that long overdue conversation with DH and tell him what you know. Honesty is always best in the rebuilding process and I don't think you can go on like this, bottling so much up and feeling so much justifiable anger. There seems to be so much left unsaid between you and he still seems to be in denial - and also keeping secrets that he seems to enjoy mulling over "for literary purposes".

Thought any more about a different counsellor?

I think the male friend is muddying the waters here too. I remember you saying at one point (in your anger) that you were hoping someone would come along for you so that your DH could know how this feels. Is there any of that going on here? Having him there most evenings is physically preventing you from discussing this with DH and if he has feelings for you, he has ceased to be an objective adviser to you about your marriage.

Please keep us posted and remember, all your feelings are totally understandable.

[abedelia]

Well, he hasn't actually asked me to proof this one, but seeing as I do the rest of his articles and stuff it would be odd if he bypassed me. I do wonder if he gave me the first chapter to see if I picked up on stuff (which I didn't at first, like some sort of mental block it took about 3 days, then next day found the other stuff and it was like being slapped with a wet fish)... I'd never do anything with the friend - it would mean the ruin of a lifelong friendship for H, more horror for us, loss of a job and possibly a business. Yuck. No way.

Sadly my friend isn't a really close friend so my ability to spread stuff back is limited. I'm also not sure what people know about what went on. However, OW's H occasionally contacts me to see if she is up to tricks, so I have mentioned stuff during this. He hasn't been in contact for a while so I expect it is due! I doubt she takes any notice of that though. Sadly the only one she'd listen to is my H, I think. Even in her mails to him while trying to justify her nonsense, when he moaned about how badly we'd been affected and how bad he felt for what they'd done, she apologised to 'your family and your kids' for causing trouble - like I didn't exist. Cow.

Anyway, we are having our usual visitor tonight so I'm hoping I can fit a chat in between kids' bedtime and arrival. My strategy is to say 'I'm a bit concerned about the subject of X', then tell him I'd like to guess the plot. I'll then relate 'their story'.., Hopefully that will allow him to put 2 and 2 together. sigh

[AnyFucker]

abedelia, I am sorry but I just don't get this

you want him to put "two and two together"??

I wonder, could he add this up...

"you are a self-obsessed wanker who wants to dress up reliving your fantasies of another woman as literary bollocks, whilst simultaneously making your partner feel like a bit part in the whole production...."

could he tally that ??

now, I may have offended you so I will gracefully leave, shaking my head at how some relationships seem to work (or not)

[abedelia]

Nope, you haven't offended me in the slightest. I am now going to memorise that as I suspect it may be my 'final word' in the later proceedings... (possibly followed by 'I'm going away for a week to get myself together as I can't bear the dcs to see me upset at my disappointment in you YET again). Cheers

[AnyFucker]

abedelia, I didn't really leave your thread, I went away for the weekend (with no internet connection)

stupid of me really, to post that and then run (as it were)

how are you today ?

[abedelia]

Fine - we talked about it a little and 'Julie' insists it is not about her, merely taking some of the stuff and using it... I did use your line though - thanks! And that made him look horrified and go 'yuck, never'. But then he went on to complain that fear of writing about 'it' had given him writers block. Obviously I am still not happy, and even if he is compartmentalising it like that then I am sure she'd have something to say on reading it... but we were interrupted by the plumber halfway through our talk. He doesn't know I'm aware the characters have the same job as they did at the time so I will contrive a 'discovery' of something along those lines and talk again for sure.

I'm really struggling with friend though - H has always been a bit lazy with the dcs and friend offered to accompany me on a trip out with them when H said he just wanted to do work. There was also a to do with feeding the dcs some food H had planned to cook for the 3 of us, so i said I'd have less (need to lose 2-3lbs for summer so don't care) but halfway through dinner, friend plonked some of his on my plate out of kindness and i was really touched - though i am not daft and am aware he is probably seeing how H treats me and pushing my buttons with things like that for his own ends...

[AnyFucker]

what a pickle you are in abedelia

at least Julie has accepted that his plans were a trifle thoughtless

you sound very confused, like your head is all over the place

what do you want ?

[abedelia]

Who knows? I don't really fancy friend - if I am totally honest then I just like the fact he is quite tactile, listens, is kind, and is making me feel attractive, especially since I have felt like yesterday's soggy cornflakes since the affair.

H has never been that tactile unless before sex, and has always been a bit critical of me at times - but he is working hard to change that as he knows it is wrong (one of the conditions of taking him back). We were chatting to friend about the future, methods of raising dcs etc last night and we both had the same views / goals - it is just very, very sad that there is still so much wrong and I find it so hard to talk about. I know he cares for me, but I sometimes doubt that he loves me. Maybe part of me wants him to realise friend finds me attractive so he actually wakes up to the fact he can't take me for granted?

[AnyFucker]

your last sentence abedelia...

more mindgames isn't it?

you mustn't use your friend to try and give your dh a wake-up call

there more miscommunication and heartache lies

if you love your dh, and you are convinced he wants you too then cool off your friend and work on your marriage

but do not accept twattery from him, like the example in your OP

he should be looking first to your feelings

if he isn't making you happy, or genuinely doesn't seem to see how much he can hurt you (and possibly not even care) then your marriage is doomed