How much support with childcare do you get from your family ? Has this suprised you?

[fufflebum]

Just wanted to start this thread as in the last 4 years since 2 DC have been born it has suprised me how little both sets of Grandparents seem to want to offer in the way of childcare or visits to their grand children.

With the exception of my mum who visits quite regularly we have had very little practical input (regular babysitting/taking out for day etc).

One set live a long way away, Scotland, and visit once per year, if lucky. The other live about 1 1/2 hrs away. All are in good health and are retired.

No siblings near to offer assistance.

I have to admit both DH and I are quite 'independent' and like to get on with stuff.

However, I wanted to do a 'straw poll' to see if my/our experience is usual.......

I've been utterly touched by how involved my parents are.

They live over an hour away, but travel to us to take DS one day a week while I work. And say it's a privilege because they have such a lovely close relationship with him.

Also great about taking him for the odd weekend so we can get away occasionally.

DH's parents have never ever had DS, but they live hundreds of miles away and I wouldn't expect them to.

Very little help, but TBH that's completely as I expected. My parents and PILs have their own, very busy lives, and it would never occur to me that they ought to be helping us with childcare - that's our business to sort out. I much prefer to use paid childcarers to avoid misunderstandings / family issues.

None.

My parents have never visited out house in 25 years. They have looked after DSs only 1 day in the entire tme they have been alive. they only live a few hundred miles away.

PILs visit us but never look after DSs for more than a few hours per year.

I get oodles of help from my mum, who looks after dd two days a week whilst I work, and comes round most evenings for a chat and to see us before dh gets home.

It can absolutely be a doouble edged sword, but the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks, and my dd adores my mum. She is definitely her favourite person.

It doesn't surprise me at all. I am an only, my parents live half a mile away, and I think my mum thinks dd is hers too! She is brilliant with kids, and completely tireless.

double

I'm an only child and my mum died when I was pregnant with dd1, but we moved next door to my dad who comes over every night at the kids' bedtime to see them, wind them up and take his turn at reading the stories. He will also babysit if we ever want to go out (not very often, tbh- we shouldreally make more use of him!) as he can just lounge in front of our TV instead of his own, then wander next door when we get home!At weekends the kids often go over to see him for a while and he makes them pancakes and puts up tents in the back garden for them- they love him to death, and he adores them. I think I appreciate the fact that their relationship has added such a rich and happy dimension to all their lives more than the actual hour-or-so's peace from the kids! In return, I cook dinner for him each night, pick up things at the shops for him etc etc- it works really well.

MIL lives about 2h drive away. She drives, but won't drive to see us, although I make it clear she is most welcome and could stay as long as she wants. We all have to go to see her. She loves the kids, and loves to SEE them, but makes it clear she isn't "fit" to look after them for ANY length of time (not that we would ask her to!)She won't tolerate any children's paraphenalia left- they have to take any toys away with them, highchairs to go back up into the loft etc etc. Then she says she wishes she could see the kids more often, and how lucky my dad is! But I always feel she is secretly relieved when we leave!

mom and stepdad live 3 miles away and visit twice a week, they have babysat 3 evenings.
dad visits once a week and has never babysat.
OLs visit once a week, they are 71 and have never babysat.
siblings never babysat.
dd 21 months.
tbh i expected a little more from my mom, ie she might offer to take dd somewhere occasionally. i expected less from my dad so he has pleasantly surprised me visiting weekly. OLs say they would take dd anytime but cannot keep up with her, cannot lift her, cannot help her with stairs and dont think carseats are necessary so it cant hapen.

have 4 children and grandparents all live within an hour away, never visit. the only one to EVER ring is my dad, but unfortunately he had a stroke last year so cannot drive.
my mum has never even seen by youngest and he is 16 months now.
never babysat, done jack shit basically, and my sister come to think of it

My mum - lives 1.5 hours away, never visits, we go there 3 or 4 times a year but not welcome to stay overnight

PIL - live 3-4 hours away, both work full time, visit every few months but don't babysit, sometimes take dds to park for an hour

I never expected that I would have much help but had hoped my mum might come and stay now and then and maybe babysit for the odd evening. I do sometimes feel a bit about other people having weekends away for anniversaries, birthdays etc but they are my children after all - I chose to have them!

I'm very lucky because my MIL is very keen to babysit and always says 'I haven't known I've had him' and 'he's been golden' etc, while it's quite clear that her house has been turned upside down and she looks flushed at best . DS is a very lively, into everything, 14mth old. MIL has raised 2 boys though and her youngest is only 15 so I know she can cope and I know she utterly adores DS.

My mum is also good, she will always offer to evening babysit but I've only taken her up on the offer about 3 times in 14mths and never overnight. My mum is a full time nurse and always looks shattered so I don't like to put on her too much. She is also a sunday school teacher so takes DS to Sunday school for 3hrs almost every sunday.

We have only every been away from DS twice overnight in 14mths so I don't think we are taking advantage.

My sister will have DS if I need to do something in the week and I return the favour with my 4yr old nephew- it's good to have a back-up and my nephew and my DS get along great so it's a pleasure.

We generally only ask for babysitting when we need to do DIY or similar, we don't exactly go out alot although we could if we wanted to. I miss my DS when he's not with me and I don't think it would make us good parents if we palmed him off on others all the time.

i agree katef, i chose to have my family so its down to us, but i do get mad at the fact that none of the grandparents seem to give a monkeys. with my children, i cant wait to have their children to stay, and i cant understand why our parents dont think like that.
my sister sends me the very occasional text, but to be honest how much effort does that take
when i ring her, shes too busy to talk.
i do get jealous at people that get alot of support from their families, but hey ho, their loss

Though, I should add, I think PD would be happy to have him babysat all wknd, every wknd.

Nothing. Have one gorgeous ds. No husband as he fucked off abroad a year ago.

In-laws have all blanked me and ds so no involvement there at all.

My parents old, miles away and impossible - they have only ever seen ds once for an hour in a coffee shop and he is now nearly 18 months.

I have four siblings but they have never seen him, 3 of them hate me (apparently I am horrible ) and don't give a shit about ds. They also live miles away.

So doing it all entirely on my tod. Hard work but I love him so much I am past caring about it all for the most part. If I thought about it all too much I wuld PANIC!!

great attitude unlikely!!
stuff the lot of them, and your ds is gorgeous [sneaked a look at your pics]

Awww thanks. Yours are gorgeous too. Four of them?? Well done girl! x

Thanks for the posts so far. I am amazed and slightly humbled by everyones honesty (the beauty of MN!)

Unlikelyamazonian your little boy is beautiful.

I would agree that at the end of the day if relatives choose not to be involved then it is ultimately their loss. I echo those posts who say it would be nice to get out with DH every now and then though.

Ohhhh Unlikelyamazonian, your boy is delicious! He looks like a perfect little cherub.

Sorry, that's a bit OT, as I can't contribute to this thread (pregnant, no DCs yet). However, with one parent pretty much agoraphobic, and the other disabled and not terribly mobile, and both over 100 miles away (in opposite directions) I don't think I'll be getting much help when they baby's born.

Unlikely I just had a peep too - what a gorgeous boy!!

I'm lucky in that my parents and ILs are fantastic. My mum first had DS overnight when he was six days old as I really just didn't cope at all. She's had him one night a week since then.

My MIL started having him one night a week after my DH and I had a major meltdown on Mother's Day 2008 and still does.

They both have him for one day a week while I work so they have him after the overnight stay to save me doing a mad dash across town in the morning.

I totally realise how lucky I am and am full of admiration for those who manage without any parental support - I couldn't do it so you're all fantastic.

He wasn't planned (not that that's any excuse) and I just didn't cope at all when he arrived. I was on ADs and he was full of colic. Horrible times.

We only have 1 grandad and hes almost 80 and ex SAS trained ......he definitely wasnt a hands on dad and certainly never looked after children before ........

Well Grandad is fab hes nursed our children to sleep many times,used to babysit in between mine and dhs shifts,has taken them on train rides and fast food resturants,he will babysit at any time and thoroughly enjoys it!!!

What a surprise!!! dh can never believe it.

And he buys me hello or ok mag occasionally.

And because I do his laundry he quite often leaves £20 in the coffee jar (im the only coffee drinker or I was til ds2 opened the jar and 'found' £20 )

When we moved and put some of our stuff in storage until we arranged the house and transport, he secretly went and got my winter coat and the xmas decs and drove them 300 miles to our new house when it got to December.

All relations live quite a distance away so, on a day-to-day, no help at all. However, I was very lucky as MIL did live close by when DS1 was a baby and I was expecting DS2 so gave us loads of help then - babysitting whenever we wanted, etc. It's a bit hard now, having to manage on my own, especially now it's just me, but my eldest sister and my SIL are very good about coming to stay for the odd weekend if there's something special I need help with. Plus MIL comes to stay for a week now and again and always offers to babysit while she's here.

I worry more about the fact that my DSs don't see their family very much rather than the fact that I don't get much help, to be honest.

It's great to read about grandparents who do help. I salute them. They have courage, love and backbone. Seems they have a sense of responsibility and understanding - ie they chose to have children and a child is for so the helping with their chilkdren's children (if they can) is part of their responsibility and also hopefully a joy.

All my relations, on my side and on my crap h's side have just not been blessed with that kind of upbringing or character. Selfish, self-interested, righteous and scaredy-cats the lot.

I have come through all manner of shit and had counselling and been through women's aid course and am breaking the cycle (I hope). That's all.

Just mustnt' get very ill or too pissed

We live 500 miles away so dont see my parents very often.

Probably average twice a year, and its normally my Mum who comes up to keep me company when DH is away (forces -so sometimes month on ends)

The plus side of forces life is fantastic friends who will take the kids off you for a few hours if you need a break. And trust me,when your partner is away for 6 months, and you have no family living by,those few hours are a god send (to yourself and the children)

My in-laws live half an hour away and we have to ask, they never offer.
My parents are 1hr away but my mum has dementia and the house is like the black hole of Calcutta.
I have two sister-in-laws but they don't have children (in their 40s) so basically we don't have familly help.
I just rely on friends and neighbours at the moment.
Not had a night away from the kids for 7yrs.