Feel like ending it all

[PurpleOne]

Endless depression for years.
SS aren't interested in my DDs behaviour.
Exh says he cant afford it, but he's loaded.

I've lost my job. DD1 bday on Sat. Have had hell to pay cos I havent bought her the joacket she wanted.

Beleive me when I say theres absolutely no one in RL thats here.

Family? What a joke. They disowned me 2 years ago. They sent a card for DD1 bday....out fell a lovely family photo of them all, people that my dad disowned years ago and I haven't seen for years, My kids have never met them. I don't know where they live.

I wish there was something in RL I could confide in, but theres nothing here for me. NOTHING. No family.
Exh kicked off at me cos DDs were conversing with their (exhs side) cousins and that I have to keep them (DDs) off of Facebook.

FFS I cant even cry in peace without DD1 coming in here and kicking off about her birthday. This wont pass. It's been here for months.
The loneliness is crushing, I call it my veil of darkness. I can get out to the park or to swimming for something to do, the veil lifts up a little while so I can see daylight....but then it comes back down again.

I am alcoholic too. All I do is drink and sleep. I get up and do stuff in the day, but it dont mean that I talk to people.
All I live for is my kids, who treat me with such disrespect.
I dont deserve this.

Posted this in mental health too

[seriouscase]

PurpleOne, I am going to bed now but just wanted to say hi and hope you are okay. Please post tomorrow if you can.

[serajen]

PurpleOne, I love the oblivion of sleep but am also aware of how much it means I'm not turning up for my own life when I sleep all the time, IYSWIM. At the moment am plagued by horrific nightmares so not very restful sleep. I'm not going to bang on about the alcohol thing cos I'm alcoholic and know only too well the escape it provides, I never imagined I could give up, everyone said to me that it wasn't all these other things that were the problem, it was the alcohol and I didn't believe them, but I will say things were alot worse when I was drinking and depression and alcohol are really bad bedfellows, don't ask me which comes first, does depression cause alcoholism or the other way round, but I knew the drink was damaging me in every way possible. Keep writing and so will I. You're in my thoughts

[melissa75]

purple, you've not posted since Thursday afternoon, I hope you have been on here and seen peoples responses and just not felt up to posting. Please keep coming back, as I certainly will be keeping an eye out for you, and hope that you can come and even just put an emoticon if you do not feel like writing any words. There are a lot of people on this thread that are worried about you, and we want to know that you are ok

[12stepmum]

im sorry that it seems like there is no one in RL for you, your parents and exh sound awful and it sounds like you have done well to have them out of your life as much as possible.

but in aa people really do care and if you reach out to women with some sober time under their belt the help will be there. most of us have been in similar rock bottoms at one time or another. alcohol is a depressant and is stealing your chances of being happy and also of having any clarity or perspective.

i hope your gp can help too, but only if you are brutally honest about how things are for you. don't let your pride keep you stuck. surrender means going over to the winning side, not being weak.

[PurpleOne]

[melissa75]

Purpleone, I am so pleased you came back, and just let us know you are out there. Good for you for taking the step of posting, not an easy thing to do, speaking from experience. Have you had a chance to phone or email the samaritans? I would like to chat with you some more, and if your interested, I am happy to email with you if you like? I am also not far from where you are in the world, and when I had my difficult times, came across some greatp eople and agencies I would be happy to pass on to you if you are interested? They are local which is always helpful. If you do not feel up to posting, please keep coming back and putting those emoticons so I know you are ok

[seriouscase]

PurpleOne
Just to say hi and hope you are okay. How did the birthday go? Stay as strong as you can.
Thinking of you.

[melissa75]

Purpleone...are you out there somewhere?? Give us an emoticon if you are please so we know you are ok. I have been checking in to see if you have posted.

[toomanystuffedbears]

Hi PurpleOne
I hope you have endured this horrid black time you are experiencing.

I do not know how to give you relief, but wish I could.

I know the feelings of invisibility and depression, but have not taken to the bottle (but have many times felt the physical pull to it-my mom was an alcoholic). And, I too, do not have any rl friends beyond dh (travels much) and Oldest Sister (200 miles away). Solitude, I am an expert.

What I want to say is please find a way to live for yourself. You are an unique individual, and you are important-not just because you have dc to care for. You have a long road to recovery, no doubt; but you must know that it is worth the effort with out regards to anyone else. Please be open to the possibility that you can do it.

I don't know if you've "hit rock bottom", but it sounds like it to me. Please draw a proverbial line in the sand and work on improvement for yourself. It seems impossible and is very hard, but you can do it. You have endured so much negative, now is time to work for positive. You have already started by getting help, by starting this thread.

Got to go--hope this blackness has faded.
Take care.