Feel like ending it all

[PurpleOne]

Endless depression for years.
SS aren't interested in my DDs behaviour.
Exh says he cant afford it, but he's loaded.

I've lost my job. DD1 bday on Sat. Have had hell to pay cos I havent bought her the joacket she wanted.

Beleive me when I say theres absolutely no one in RL thats here.

Family? What a joke. They disowned me 2 years ago. They sent a card for DD1 bday....out fell a lovely family photo of them all, people that my dad disowned years ago and I haven't seen for years, My kids have never met them. I don't know where they live.

I wish there was something in RL I could confide in, but theres nothing here for me. NOTHING. No family.
Exh kicked off at me cos DDs were conversing with their (exhs side) cousins and that I have to keep them (DDs) off of Facebook.

FFS I cant even cry in peace without DD1 coming in here and kicking off about her birthday. This wont pass. It's been here for months.
The loneliness is crushing, I call it my veil of darkness. I can get out to the park or to swimming for something to do, the veil lifts up a little while so I can see daylight....but then it comes back down again.

I am alcoholic too. All I do is drink and sleep. I get up and do stuff in the day, but it dont mean that I talk to people.
All I live for is my kids, who treat me with such disrespect.
I dont deserve this.

Posted this in mental health too

[toomanystuffedbears]

Hi PurpleOne
I hope you have endured this horrid black time you are experiencing.

I do not know how to give you relief, but wish I could.

I know the feelings of invisibility and depression, but have not taken to the bottle (but have many times felt the physical pull to it-my mom was an alcoholic). And, I too, do not have any rl friends beyond dh (travels much) and Oldest Sister (200 miles away). Solitude, I am an expert.

What I want to say is please find a way to live for yourself. You are an unique individual, and you are important-not just because you have dc to care for. You have a long road to recovery, no doubt; but you must know that it is worth the effort with out regards to anyone else. Please be open to the possibility that you can do it.

I don't know if you've "hit rock bottom", but it sounds like it to me. Please draw a proverbial line in the sand and work on improvement for yourself. It seems impossible and is very hard, but you can do it. You have endured so much negative, now is time to work for positive. You have already started by getting help, by starting this thread.

Got to go--hope this blackness has faded.
Take care.

[melissa75]

Purpleone...are you out there somewhere?? Give us an emoticon if you are please so we know you are ok. I have been checking in to see if you have posted.

[seriouscase]

PurpleOne
Just to say hi and hope you are okay. How did the birthday go? Stay as strong as you can.
Thinking of you.

[melissa75]

Purpleone, I am so pleased you came back, and just let us know you are out there. Good for you for taking the step of posting, not an easy thing to do, speaking from experience. Have you had a chance to phone or email the samaritans? I would like to chat with you some more, and if your interested, I am happy to email with you if you like? I am also not far from where you are in the world, and when I had my difficult times, came across some greatp eople and agencies I would be happy to pass on to you if you are interested? They are local which is always helpful. If you do not feel up to posting, please keep coming back and putting those emoticons so I know you are ok

[PurpleOne]

[12stepmum]

im sorry that it seems like there is no one in RL for you, your parents and exh sound awful and it sounds like you have done well to have them out of your life as much as possible.

but in aa people really do care and if you reach out to women with some sober time under their belt the help will be there. most of us have been in similar rock bottoms at one time or another. alcohol is a depressant and is stealing your chances of being happy and also of having any clarity or perspective.

i hope your gp can help too, but only if you are brutally honest about how things are for you. don't let your pride keep you stuck. surrender means going over to the winning side, not being weak.

[melissa75]

purple, you've not posted since Thursday afternoon, I hope you have been on here and seen peoples responses and just not felt up to posting. Please keep coming back, as I certainly will be keeping an eye out for you, and hope that you can come and even just put an emoticon if you do not feel like writing any words. There are a lot of people on this thread that are worried about you, and we want to know that you are ok

[serajen]

PurpleOne, I love the oblivion of sleep but am also aware of how much it means I'm not turning up for my own life when I sleep all the time, IYSWIM. At the moment am plagued by horrific nightmares so not very restful sleep. I'm not going to bang on about the alcohol thing cos I'm alcoholic and know only too well the escape it provides, I never imagined I could give up, everyone said to me that it wasn't all these other things that were the problem, it was the alcohol and I didn't believe them, but I will say things were alot worse when I was drinking and depression and alcohol are really bad bedfellows, don't ask me which comes first, does depression cause alcoholism or the other way round, but I knew the drink was damaging me in every way possible. Keep writing and so will I. You're in my thoughts

[seriouscase]

PurpleOne, I am going to bed now but just wanted to say hi and hope you are okay. Please post tomorrow if you can.

[melissa75]

Purpleone...it breaks my heart to read your posts, as I too was in your shoes somewhat quite a while ago. I remember people saying to me, "you'll be fine, therei s always light at the end of the tunnel" or "time heals all", and I know people say things like that because they want to be supportive and try to help, but when your in the depths of despair so to speak, those things mean nothing.
Have you tried to email the Samaritans? They always write back within 24 hours, and I found them to be really helpful.
I think sometimes too, when we feel overwhelmed by things, it makes it difficult to see your way out of any of them. It sounds like you have a lot of difficult things going on at one time. I personally found when I was going through difficult times, that it helped to take one issue at a time, look at it, and think about how it could be made to be better. Perhaps by taking one thing at a time, writing down how it can be helped. For example, you have said you are an alcoholic, if you broke that down into coming up with solutions that might be helpful (eg; attending AA meetings, finding support online in AA chat line groups-then you are speaking to people who have walked in your shoes in this area, and I firmly believe that noone can quite understand unless they have been there themselves, talking to your GP etc...) I just did a quick search and found this website alcoholism.about.com/od/online/AA_Internet_Meetings.htm which lists loads of online AA meetings. That way if you do not feel comfortable or cannot get to a meeting, you could try that?
Hopefully breaking things down and trying to make things a little bit better each day might help.
Remember to break the day down into small chunks of time, whether it be hours, minutes or even seconds, and remember to congratulate yourself for making it through each of those small units of time.
I hope today has not been too difficult of a day for you, and I hope that you know that there are a lot of people on this message board that care about you, so even if there is not someone in RL that you feel you can talk to or confide in, the joys of the internet is that there are loads of people on it that you can, and that truly do care about what happeneds to you

[PurpleOne]

I'm Essex / London borders serajen.

I've spent all day in bed too, fast asleep. When I'm asleep, it's a blessing and a RELIEF to be free of real life for a while.
It's just horrible being stuck in this black void of nothingness. There is nothing to look forward to anymore.

[serajen]

Purpleone, so much of what you're writing is ringing true with me, I'm alcoholic, gave up drinking 2 years ago, it was taking me to some very dark places and my self-esteem was non-existent. I spent yesterday in bed crying, I couldn't face anything, I work full-time and usually manage to put on the mask, struggle into the harness and put my shoulder to the wheel, do what's expected of me and be who everyone thinks I am, but yesterday I couldn't do it. I was in that space where you don't know how to live but also don't know how to die, cos can you imagine what it would do our kids. So I prayed and prayed and cried and cried and somehow made it through the day, even managed a bath and a little housework. Which part of the country are you in?

[Yurtgirl]

Purple one - I hope you are feeling slightly better this morning

Given where you live there must be loads of people on here who would be more than willing to help you - Nobody much from mumsnet lives near me!

[Lulumama]

you need to find the strenght to go back to the GP or see a different doctor, and really push for immediate help

if you are suicidal, then they can and should put crisis measures in place. you need help with your drinking, which is ruining your mental and physical health as i'm sure you are aware. a lot in your life will get better when you are well.

unfortunately, you do often need to push for help with mental health /addiction issues, when you don;t feel strong enough, but you must

you have to keep asking for help

[akhems]

Purple, I know you don't know me from Adam but it could be that you're not too far from me and I'd happily meet up for a chat sometime if you'd like to too?

[PurpleOne]

I did that just now.

Have already been through DV without any counselling previous. Been divorced 8 years, out of DV for nearly 7 years now. No counselling.
My mum wasnt even there for me when ex dv bastard put his hands round my throat and soat in my face. She told me to let exh sort it out, which he did, hence we are back in London.

I can never make peace wiht my parents, not now. Not after the divorce and my dad bougt us a house and the terms and conditions were to stop exh seeing the girls. He sold the house from right under us and said I wasnt his daughter.

So why the photo now?

I have Toxic Parents book by Susan Forward, and I also have a fab cop of Power and Control by Sue Horley. In that book, lies the remains of a letter that ex dv wife sent me.

The thing that urts so much is that teres no one here right now, and nor will they be in the morning. I'll prob get the girls up to school and then go back to bed and sleep all day. It's safer that way, jus safer from the onslaught on real life.

I just needa RL friend. Someone I can cry with.

[PurpleOne]

I dont ever need to change my name dittany. If I cant front up, then whats the point?

Well, that was a load of old bollocks really. I tried, and stated my case and cried a bit.
I already post on stately homes thread and the sam counsellor told me to make peace with my parents.

I don't think that will ever happen, cos mum is a critical and toxic old cow. I miss my dad in some ways but he took her side.

Where do I go from here? I have a nice comfy bed with a fleecy blanket on top, and Sky telly....but on the other side of my desk is a nice pile of anti d's that I dug out, plus a few Nytol....

My mum isn t there for me, and Im supposed to make peace? Feck off!
So it's still just me left, and my bottle of cider and a bucketful of tears....

[Yurtgirl]

I hope you get some support from the samaritans purple - I will be thinking of you [not mumsnet ettiquette but I would hug you if I was withing hugging distance!]

[PurpleOne]

Dittany, my alcohol keyworker has dragged up so many issues, but theres no counselling or CPN in place.
I am fending for myself. Its just me and the kids.

Off to make that call right now, I dont think anymore tears could fall...

[seriouscase]

Glad you are phoning the Samartians. Please post in the morning and hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you x

[PurpleOne]

yes, support for the drinking, but hes dragged so much up...and I've been left to fend for myself.
I've been to AA too. I still dont talk to anyone in there either.

Sorry, am gonna ring the Samaritans.

I might get pissed and go to sleep, but I will post again in the morning.

Thankyou ladies x x x