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Original poster

What's more damaging to a child's upbringing?

26 replies

SmartieTube · 28/04/2009 17:21

What would damage the kids more....

Bringing them up on a sink estate where they can't play out, even in their own garden because of misiles being thrown over the fence ... stones at the windows ... constant rubbish in the garden ... crap schools full of "hooligans in training" ... even worse secondary schools where the GCSE pass rate is 10% ....

Or ....

Moving in with a new partner (very nice and great with the kids) maybe a little too soon into the relationship BUT which would in turn banish all the problems from the 1st scenario.

Please advice because I really don't know what to do anymore. My partner is a lovely man, he takes the children swimming on his own, takes me wherever I want to go, cooks for us (sent a batch of home-baked flap jacks home for the kids today!), wants the same things that I do out of life ...

But we've only been together 6 months. But I don't know how much longer I can cope living where I do I feel like I'm failing the kids and I'm terrified they will grow up in gangs, dropping out of school etc just like all the other kids around here.

So the question is ... what would do more harm? staying here or rushing into a #living together' arrangement?

OP posts:
madameovary · 28/04/2009 17:27

What does he have to say about all this?
And what do you have in common?

Must sound a note of caution and say if he is pressuring you AT ALL, be careful.
If I were you and I could afford it I would move in with him (assuming he agreed) but keep a fund in reserve in case it didnt work out.

Agree this is a VERY important decision and needs careful consideration. Good luck!

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/04/2009 17:28

guess you have to weigh up what would happen to you and your children if you spilt up with your new man?

as in where would you live, could you afford to pay rent and deposit the moment you spilt up and moved out?

i would think carefully about moving it with your new man but i do understand what you are saying - and he sounds lovely

could you take the deposit and a months rent and put in a isa/high savings account to cover your back just incase?

rubyslippers · 28/04/2009 17:31

do you want to really live with him?

or is it a way out of a situation

Do you love him - picture your life with him?

i am not sure - have you discussed moving in? Does he have his own children?

Original poster
SmartieTube · 28/04/2009 17:35

He says he is happy for us to move in with him as soon as we're ready. My kids really want to, I'm just trying to be sensible but then I'm thinking "what's sensible about locking yourself away after 4pm because you're terrified of being targetted by the local yobs?" I could move us all away from that.

We have everything in common. Music, TV (as in, neither of us watch it), we both don't talk much, we both like space and understand that would need to be given from both sides, we both like to go out, sea-side, countryside, shows, neither of us drink much etc etc ...

I would always keep a fund of my own money anyway, I always have.

And he has said he would never just chuck us out if things didn't work out. I know he's not the type to do this as he still plays a part in parenting his ex's 17 year old son ... even though they've been divorced for years. He says he's not willing to throw away his step son just because his relationship with his mother is over. That says a lot about him I think.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 28/04/2009 17:40

he does sound nice

what is your gut instinct telling you?

madameovary · 28/04/2009 17:42

Sounds good, but does he have enough space in his place to accomodate you all? And does he really understand what it involves, esp with children taking over a home that was previously all his?

I would talk, talk, talk, as much as you are able. How you will pay bills, organise activities, if you will co-parent from the start, how you can support each other (ie is he happy to babysit if you want a night out/lie-in etc)

Also how does he talk about his former partner(s)? This is a big one. If they sound bitter and make out that the split was all the other person's fault, that is a warning sign.

You need someone mature and responsible.

Sorry if I sound over-cautious, am speaking from painful experience!

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/04/2009 17:57

you are obv living in a shitty area and want to get out

could you move to a better place with just you and your children and carry on seeing this man and see how things work out?

if you have enough money to make a go of it alone (if you broke up) then i say go for it

Overmydeadbody · 28/04/2009 18:01

Perhaps it would be better to sonsider how damaging it might be to your children if you all move in with him, relocate, move schools etc etc and then you two split up and you're left having to move back to a similar situation you left from, or worse.

Don't rush into moving in with someone. 6 months is a very short time. Is there no way you can move with the children alone?

SomeGuy · 28/04/2009 18:09

6 months is not that short surely. Plenty of couples married for decades knew each other for less time than that

Overmydeadbody · 28/04/2009 18:09

It sounds like you really need to move though, how awful for you

and he sounds lovely

Overmydeadbody · 28/04/2009 18:13

I think at 6 months the novelty of a new relationship hasn't worn off yet, that's all. I guess it depends how much 'norml' time they have spent in each other's company. In the OPs case it sounds like lots though.

Juxal · 28/04/2009 18:20

He does sound almost too good to be true....

If you were to move in with him and send the kids to new, good schools, IF you had to move out later, would you be able to leave the kids in the good schools?

What are the chances you could find somewhere to live near the good schools in the better area if it all went wrong?

(DH and I had known each other for 6 weeks when we got married; it's been 12 years now.)

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 28/04/2009 18:36

There is a thread on here somewhere from someone who did just that, and it has all gone a bit horribly wrong for her - mind you, she seems to have felt uneasy about the man from the beginning ie that she didn't love him and wasn't sexually attracted to him.
Is there no possibility at all that you could move with your DC into another house (without partner)? I think what sounds worrying about it is that by moving in with him, you are putting yourself in the position of having been rescued and therefore might be expected to be grateful. INdefinitely.

Original poster
SmartieTube · 28/04/2009 18:48

Thanks for the replies

The good thing about it is that he lives close enough to keep the kids at their current primary but far enough away to ensure they get into good secondarys. So they wouldn't need to move schools (their primary is ok(ish), it's the seconarys I'm worrying about).

He does talk bitterly about his ex but from the looks of things, she decided she'd had enough one day, started sleeping with someone else and later moved out, leaving the kids with him (both of them, even the one that wasn't biologically his) and she now has very little contact with either of the kids. So she genuinly doesn't sound too nice!

If it all went wrong, I'd be up shit creek without a paddle basically. This is what I mean, it is a huge risk but I sometimes wonder if it could really be any worse than living here? For instance a 7 year old boy has just walked past my house ... he's collecting tab ends off the floor and trying to light them. The ones he finds that are smokable, he smokes ... a woman just went out to him and told him to stop, he turned around to her and said "shut your face you fat c*nt" - This child knocked on my door yesterday to ask my son to play out with him. I said no ... DS complained that he's never allowed to play out. I can't keep them hostage in this house forever but I simply cannot let them play out around here.

I'm just trying to decide what's worse, living here, hostages to the terrible environment or a potential relationship breakdown a few years down the line?

But in that time, I will be in a better finantial situation anyway so we won't end up homeless.

I do love him, I know he loves me ... I just saw my mum make so many mistakes jumping into relationships with people that a voice in my head keeps saying "you're turning into your mother"

I don't want to do that to my kids (or his) but nor do I want to bring them up in a war zone where even the police are too scared to walk around.

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 28/04/2009 18:55

smartie - I started reading your post and thought, nutter mad dont do it stand on your own cos it could all go wrong with the new man.

Then I thought 6 months.. hmm my mum and dad meet on an august bank holiday weekend and were married on 3 march the following year they had the most amazing marriage and were together 36 years before my mum left us for another place BUT mum sadi she knew he was the one

So, on second thoughts if you know - then go for it

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 28/04/2009 21:34

OK I think the difference between you and that other poster is that you do want to be with this man in particular and it's not just a case of trying to make a go of it with a bloke who is offering you a home but who you don't really fancy. If you think you could be happy with him and he's keen on the idea too, then it might be worth a try (bearing in mind that if he does turn into an abusive loon, you might end up in a better position to be rehoused than you are now).

Ripeberry · 28/04/2009 21:41

Move in with him. What have you got to lose?
Your area sounds like a nightmare. I would rather live in a tent in a hippy commune than live on a sink estate.
And i have lived in tough estates when i was younger and it's my nightmare about ever having to return to one.
Even living in B&B its much better than being frightened in your own home

hopefullandfree · 28/04/2009 23:16

Id be very wary.
Some posters have said how their parents met and married after 6 months - but youve got children to consider in all this.

Living with small children and being responsible for them is very differant to taking them swimming occasionally and sending flapjacks.

IF this was to go wrong, this could be disastrous, you would have nowhere to go and like many women have the choice of being in an abusive relationship or going into a refuge.
. Its harder to get out of than many people think and i speak from bitter experience.
Also dont underestimate the impact this would have on your children if mr wonderful ends up being mr wrong.

Are you able to support yourself financially or are you going to be relying on him?
Personally i think its far too soon, many women have been surprised by their husbands behaviour after 15,20 years, how well can you really know someone in 6 months ?
Bear in mind hes bound to be on his best behaviour.

Have you met his family / freinds ,does he work? Have you met his stepson, ex wife ?
Id be very concerned about his bitterness towards his ex wife, whatever went on, they almost certainly both played a part.

Maybe im cautious because of my own experience, i did a similar thing years ago and regret it bitterley , if you were a real life freind i would urge you to resolve your housing problem and continue to date him for now, nothing more.

hopefullandfree · 28/04/2009 23:20

Basicly, if he lived on your estate, would you be considering moving in with him?

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 29/04/2009 00:03

Hopefull, that's a very good point.

piscesmoon · 29/04/2009 00:12

I think that hopefully has put it in a nutshell. If the answer is no, then don't do it until you know him better. 6 months is very soon, he may have a side to him that he hasn't shown yet.

Juxal · 29/04/2009 13:21

Smartie, yes it could be worse than living independently in a shitty area. There are loads of threads in Relationships from OPs with abusive husbands, who didn't know they were like that until it was too late.

You are right to think very carefully about this, particularly as you don't have a way of getting out if it does go wrong.

dustbuster · 29/04/2009 13:32

Hopeful makes some very good points.

Yes, some people move in together after six months and live happily every after. But this is not always the case.

Your estate sounds grim - I'm sorry you and your DCs have to live there. Do you think you could last another six months, with an eye to moving in with your NM at the start of 2010 if everything is going well? And when you do move in together, can you work towards being financially independent so you are well fixed for the future?

Kally · 29/04/2009 13:35

I am raising an eyebrow because really you are looking to another person to 'better your situation'. You are pinning your hopes on another person here. Don't. Do it yourself. Do it under your own steam with your own judgement and choices and effort.

The present neighbourhood doesn't have to be the end of the line. However hard or difficult it feels, everything is changeable. But don't rely on others to make the change for you.

Make the change, I dunno, MOVE or relocate. I did. I lived in a terrible housing estate after coming back from abroad with my daughter after a long and horrible divorce. But I saw after 7 months it wasn't for me and made the effort and MOVED. Kids adapt to new schools and people, it's not the end of the world.

I now live in the coolest neighbourhood, I work here, my daughter goes to a nice school and the Secondary school is just down the road and a good one at that. Why are you looking for someone else to rescue you and your children. That is your job. Do it. Nothing to do with new guy - really. Sorry to sound harsh, but it's the truth.

nickschick · 29/04/2009 13:37

I think tbh you dont have a lot to lose you cant stay where you are for much longer the very tone of your post with regards to your house is quite depressive,so take the plunge- move in and see how it goes,if it doesnt work out you can privately rent or apply for social housing.

Do you think you could move in with him whilst keeping your house on for a few months to test the water so to speak?

Do you think that just maybe YOU are stopping yourself from being happy and thats why you havent just moved straight in?

Sometimes you can just do too much thinking.