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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finding out once and for all.

33 replies

detectiveme · 28/04/2009 14:30

Quite a bit of back ground info first here, I have been married for some time and have 3 children. I have moved on considerably and taken every opportunity to 'go forth' to enhance my families life. My h hasn't changed at all over the years. I have put myself through college and uni and have come out a changed person(obviously sacrificing a lot to do this.) My husband has had affairs been an emotional bully and has kept me/us short financially. I have paid a huge mortgage, holidays abroad, insurance house+car car loan and have felt taken for a mug for some time. We have for the past three months been sleeping separately and have minimum contact.
I have a work college who has gone through a divorce and we have a good friendship I trust him implicitly and have been fighting feeling for him for a couple of years now. but I'm in love with this man. We are flirtatious in our relationship and he makes comments which could be read either way. I know he likes me and he wants to settle down. Last weekend he was quite tearful and said 'When am I ever going to settle down?'and 'How long can I go on like this?' He wanted to cuddle me but I said 'No, come on we've lots to do ...your good at this you've got to keep going' I am not really good at reading people and often get things wrong. At work I often get the tail end of comments to his mother and I'm not sure what they are discussing IMO its often me? So I've made a decision. Today I went online and bought a recording devise so I can be absolutely 100% sure of his feelings towards me. I am in my forties and have only had a sexual relationship with two men one my husband.
AM I BARMY?

OP posts:
PortoPandemico · 28/04/2009 14:48

Um, can't you just ask him?

DawnAS · 28/04/2009 14:52

I understand your predicament but this is total invasion of privacy in my view and I'm not sure that it's even legal to record someones private conversations.

I really think you should just sit him down and ask him outright. Ask him what he would do if you were to leave your husband. Would he be interested in having a relationship?

Also, I don't think you should leave your husband for someone else anyway. Leave him because it's the right thing for you to do for you and then see what happens. Otherwise you may end up resenting this man if you leave your husband for him and the relationship doesn't work out...

This is only my opinion and you will get loads more I'm sure.

Good luck though!!

theDreadPirateDavina · 28/04/2009 14:53

What's your question? Sorry, am a bit confused by your post.

Do you want to leave/throw out your husband? (Sounds like you should)
Do you want to pursue a relationship with another man? (If so, might be better to resolve the H thing first)
Why do you want to record him speaking? Assuming other man? Think you might have a few more important problems than how someone else is talking about you (to his mother?) when you're not around...

AccioPinotGrigio · 28/04/2009 15:01

No! Please don't do that. It could be disastrous. It may be illegal (not sure though) but it is certainly a gross invasion of this man's privacy - if he finds out he may not see it your way! It could totally destroy any trust between you.

You need to ask him and be prepared to deal with his answer one way or another.

Do not bug his phone, (a)it's nuts and (b) you would be treading on very dangerous ground.

AccioPinotGrigio · 28/04/2009 15:06

Also - will you read your own post again. He tries to cuddle you, he opens up to you emotionally. Of course he bloody likes you! Ask him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

StirlingTheStrong · 28/04/2009 15:08

Turn it around - How would you feel if this other man recorded your conversations to find out how you felt?

Wouldn't you rather he just asked you how you were feeling?

Original poster
detectiveme · 28/04/2009 15:35

I am not bugging his phone. He has a good relationship with his mother in whom he discusses all aspects of his life. His mother often says things to me like 'Tom was pleased that you called round this week for a coffee' I'm not sure if his mother is manipulating me. She often asks about my relationship with my husband, and I guess I'm good daughterinlaw material.
My feelings for him are hard to conceal.When out with the girls the other week he was out too. I briefly said 'Hello' but felt that it would be written across my face how I felt so didn't chat. As I live in a small rural village and my husbands previous affairs were known I don't want that to happen. He left that night early I think it was because I couldn't relax and chat openly. At work the next day he said 'You hardly spoke to me last night...' I apologised and said I would make sure I did next time. It probably sounds far fetched but once I know the truth it I hope will give me the confidence to be honest about my feelings to him.

OP posts:
lilacclaire · 28/04/2009 15:50

What about your husband?
You should make a decision about your marriage before you do anything.
Are you only going to leave your husband if this other man is waiting in the wings?

Original poster
detectiveme · 28/04/2009 16:00

No my marrige is over. I no longer have the feelings of a husband and wife more of a brother sister type thing.

OP posts:
AccioPinotGrigio · 28/04/2009 16:29

Bugging his phone/recording his private conversations whatever you want to call it, it amounts to the same thing, an invasion of privacy and a totally disproportionate act which could lead you into more trouble than you bargained for. Please don't do it.

MadameCastafiore · 28/04/2009 16:32

Bloody hell isn't it obvious but just be honest and ask him or if he finds out what you are doing wou will looka right twat!

MuthaHubbard · 28/04/2009 16:42

Am 99% sure what you are planning is illegal and actually quite far fetched - could you imagine what he would say if you told him or if he found out? He would think you are serious bunny boiler material surely?!?

Plus - how would you feel if it isn't you he's talking about but another female?

Finish things properly with your husband before you start fresh with someone else or things will get incredibly complicated and someone may get very hurt.

bubblagirl · 28/04/2009 16:54

i dont think you need to record him it sounds childish in all honesty regardless of how he feels you need to tell dh its over first then let your feelings be known to this other man if he doesn't feel the same it doesn't change your predicament at all

you may have feelings for him but they may also change when you leave dh for good as he may have become a release a breathe of fresh air and you may embrace your freedom by enjoying being alone independent dating other men

you dont know how you'll feel yet once dh has gone im sure you would want space for short while you may find that your feelings are not as strong as the man was your release when with dh but now you have release and dont want another man then he will be hurt

recording him should make no difference at all your situation needs dealing with first if you and said man are meant to be you will be together

Original poster
detectiveme · 28/04/2009 17:02

I am a wimp...I know but to make an absolute ass of myself and feel humiliated every time I saw him he is slightly younger and very attractive and me an old fool. if he was talking about another female well at least I would now he was just flirting and then not take things seriously.
But if i found he did have feelings for me at least I would feel more confident broaching the subject? (however tentatively it was discussed)

OP posts:
theDreadPirateDavina · 28/04/2009 17:34

I think you might be using this guy as an excuse not to resolve things with your husband. Do you have children? If so, then they will more than likely assume that any other man on the scene is the one responsible for your marriage breaking up (as will many outsiders), and hate him for it.

You need to sort things out with the husband first. Yes, this guy may be playing with you - you don't need to find out yet.

Get yourself out of an unhappy marriage. Behave like a grown-up. Then see what this other guy does.

It might be that, once you're on your own and feeling good about it, that a needy boy who's over-involved with his mother doesn't seem so appealing after all...

Original poster
detectiveme · 28/04/2009 18:50

He is very very kind giving man. My husband is a taker like his ex. If I asked him a favour it wouldn't be a problem. He is generous with money and has a loving caring nature. I believe him to be a honest and trustworthy friend. I get that funny feeling in my tummy and when I haven't seen him when on holiday was very nervous when chatting. We have lots in common. He's a successful businessman running his own company.
Wouldn't you be a bit curious? If you had the chance of finding out for sure wouldn't you be tempted?

OP posts:
theDreadPirateDavina · 28/04/2009 18:55

Yes, but not if finding out now fucked up any chance of children accepting the end of the marriage... Do you have kids?

theDreadPirateDavina · 28/04/2009 18:56

Sorry, just went back to the OP. How old are your kids, and what do they know about the breakdown of your marriage?

theDreadPirateDavina · 28/04/2009 19:06

Sorry to bang on about this, but you've said your H is emotionally abusive. This suggests that he's good at twisting round people to suit him. If you aren't whiter than white when you leave him, you are just going to be giving him ammunition to get the kids on his side - even if he doesn't want them, he may do it to fuck you up.

And is this other guy your boss then? You absolutely can't record his conversations. This would be a complete breach of trust, and he would have to sack you.

Please don't make a silly mistake... Get H out of your life. If he's worth it, the other guy will wait for you...

howtotellmum · 28/04/2009 19:19

If you are so strong, are you going to divorce your husband- so you are free? Does this colleague know that you and your DH sleep separately? Doe she not want to upset your marriage?

If he does, then why does he not ask you out? Why do you not ask him out?

You sound like a pair of teenagers! Someone has to make the 1st move, so maybe you shouldjust have a conversation with him- ie. along the lines of- are we just friends, or are you wanting more?

Forget the recording device- it's not legal- and start communicating like a mature adult.

Original poster
detectiveme · 28/04/2009 19:31

Have two older 22 = 19 children and one of 8 years.(2 older no longer live at home. All know him as he is local and been to functions that he has attended. I even went to his wedding.
My younger daughter knows that daddy is in the spare room, but thinks its because he snores and is twitchy during the night which means I cant get any peaceful sleep. (at least we are trying to be civil while shes around)
When you've been in a volatile relationship where you have suffered emotionally from mind games and at times physical violence over the years you get to the stage where you don't care. Of course h is going, I make no bones about that. I do believe that the other man is waiting for me to be free.
I will not rush into another relationship. I am hoping that once I know (how he feels) and tentatively discussed if he could wait for a year so I can get some closure on my relationship then that would be good.

OP posts:
MsMargotBeauregarde · 28/04/2009 19:35

I think you should divorce your husband. You've been carrying him too long. Why are you with him????

As for the other guy. Tell him you've finally ditched your loser husband and that you don't want to rush into a serious relationship but that you can definitely dole out a few cuddles.

theDreadPirateDavina · 28/04/2009 20:17

So what's your plan for getting your H out of the house? If you're paying the mortgage, can you see about getting an occupation order?

Original poster
detectiveme · 28/04/2009 20:29

I am hoping that he will move out voulentary. We had discussed him getting a room but he says they are too expensive so like a lot of men who are 50 he will go back home to mummy who can take over from where I left off.
What is an occupation order davina? I have been paying £800 morgage for the past 6 yrs and have had responsibility for paying the mortgage for around 15 years. I also pay insurance home and contents car insurance tax mot all of the childrens birthdays and Christmas pressies. This year I have paid for two holidays abroad and no I dont earn lots but am good at bugeting with money and work 7 days a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
detectiveme · 28/04/2009 20:30

oops lots of spelling mistakes

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