Finding out once and for all.

[detectiveme]

Quite a bit of back ground info first here, I have been married for some time and have 3 children. I have moved on considerably and taken every opportunity to 'go forth' to enhance my families life. My h hasn't changed at all over the years. I have put myself through college and uni and have come out a changed person(obviously sacrificing a lot to do this.) My husband has had affairs been an emotional bully and has kept me/us short financially. I have paid a huge mortgage, holidays abroad, insurance house+car car loan and have felt taken for a mug for some time. We have for the past three months been sleeping separately and have minimum contact.
I have a work college who has gone through a divorce and we have a good friendship I trust him implicitly and have been fighting feeling for him for a couple of years now. but I'm in love with this man. We are flirtatious in our relationship and he makes comments which could be read either way. I know he likes me and he wants to settle down. Last weekend he was quite tearful and said 'When am I ever going to settle down?'and 'How long can I go on like this?' He wanted to cuddle me but I said 'No, come on we've lots to do ...your good at this you've got to keep going' I am not really good at reading people and often get things wrong. At work I often get the tail end of comments to his mother and I'm not sure what they are discussing IMO its often me? So I've made a decision. Today I went online and bought a recording devise so I can be absolutely 100% sure of his feelings towards me. I am in my forties and have only had a sexual relationship with two men one my husband.
AM I BARMY?

You need to see a good family law solicitor I'm afraid - you should be able to get a free half hour with one first - and then get a divorce underway. Are you on the deeds of the house? But go see a solicitor asap. It sounds like your H won't do anything (and even if he did leave would still have rights to come back unless you do something), and we're just random strangers on the internet. Get out into RL and sort it!

Stop pinning all your hopes on some bloke at work who happens to be nice to you and deal with your rubbish relationship.

I think you should sort out one marriage becuase it needs sorting out and not bother about the work one. I also think the man at work would let you know what was going on in his mind if there was anything to know.
All the best.

aren't you jumping the gun a bit re. the guy at work? He MIGHT fancy you and want to have you as a girlfriend, but as to waiting for a year whilst you sort yourself out? You are racing ahead- and it might all be in your imagination.

Sort out your DH- if you are married, surely you have joint finances?

I want to wish you luck.I know what it's like to be emotionally abused. Could the recording issue be because you want to be 100% sure about the new man, a sort of sparing your own feelings type thing? Get away from your H before you make a firm decision about another man though.

Yes maybe jung..I want to make sure that he is not playing games with me he may see me as a good friend and that would be fine by me ....who knows?
Don't feel emotionally able to approach him directly and get a straight 'no' answer.
Have had a roller coaster of a year...daughter has had baby (loads of issues, single parent) brother died intestate (caused loads of issues with siblings as we had to pay for everything) worked for a year in a job where the staff were awful my clients were generally o.k but I knew by doing this it would be good on my cv before beginning my course at uni. All this along with a shitty husband working 7 days a week has at times been difficult to cope with. It has been nice going into my part time job at the weekends where everyone is civil pleasant and supportive. I know this isn't the right way to go about things and if I was feeling 100% perhaps I would be able/willing to take the chance but I feel emotionally sore atm (if that makes sense)

You really need to wind your neck in.
If you feel that your marriage is over then get that part sorted properly. Ie, separate houses, separation agreement etc etc.

All this talk of recording conversations and wanting to "make sure" is way ott and a little obsessive.
Even if this guy fancies you, it's unlikely it would develop into a lasting permanent relationship. How will you feel then?

Sort out your own life and spend some time being single and gaining confidence first. I would be willing to bet that of you took the time out to rebuild your life after splitting with your husband you would look back in 12 months and wonder what on earth you ever saw in this other man.
You're not in love with him, you are fantasising about an escape route with a mills and boon twist to it. Real life is so not like that.

o.k thanks for advise i'm off