I dont know what to do about this

[twinkerbell]

This is extremely embarrasing and for obvious reaosns I cannot talk to anyone in RL about this. Found out my husband has been looking at cross dressing /trans web pages, I feel quite sick and can't stop thinking about it

Have you spoken to him about it?

Are you sure it was definitely him? Does anyone else use the computer? Could he have clicked on it by accident?

Best to talk to him really.

yes I tried to, I am just really shocked. I cant quite get my head around it. he of course was really embarrassed and said that he doesnt really know what he was doing it for, and that he obvisouly just does wierd things sometimes. We are having problems with our sex life, -all my side I might add! but bloody hell, now I DEF dont want to go near him

it was definately him and not by accident, there was quite a lis, that is what i said to him that he obvsiously did not just come accross it by accident. I had the whole (are you gay) conversation with him and he said absolutely not and he is definately attracted to women and not men and it was just intrigue

Why do you feel sick? Is it because you found out by accidnet, and he had kept it from you, or because of his interests?

I found some suspenders and stockings in the bottom of his drawers a few years ago, (mine) and I was suspirsed for a minute but then just thought he must have put them in there by mistake when putting the washing away but now i am obviously thinking not. My mind is all over the place and I dont quite know how i am suposed to react, we are in our 30's both working and quite happy, he is a good looking bloke and this has totally freaked me out

um, there are two levels of stuff going on here aren't there? if he has been looking at xdressing pages then that's one conversation you need to have with him. It's not an everyday fantasy but it doens't mean he's gay or doesn't love you or whatever.

On the other hand, your 'I def don't want to go near him' says you have big relationship issues anyway. don't use this as an excuse to cover the fact you no longer love him

But why are you freaking out? If it's just a natural part of who he is you have two choices, either accept it and him completely, and support him in his extra interests, or if you can't live with it, leave him.

Maybe give yourself time to get over the shock and come to accept it as part of who he is before you make any major decisions.

I agree with missinghteaction

no, I def dont want to go near him now because it makes me feel very uncomfortable that he wants to look at men dressed as women?
I love him very much and I know he loves me, he said he feels rejected by me because i dont sleep with him but I explained fully my reasons. We have been together for a number of years and have a daughter together. I have difficulties sexually and always have done and it was made worse after having our daughter a few years ao for which i am finally getting some medcial attention

I dont know if i can deal with it? but I dont want to leave him either, I am quite happy with my little family unit and things have been going pretty well for us the last year or so after a long period of bad luck.

I was going to look at the sites he has been looking at but i am too scared to incase it just tips me over the edge

Sorry but you can't ignore this and hope it will go away, because it won't.
When you say you have told him your reasons for not having sex with him, did you then discuss any ways of meeting his sexual needs or did you just tell him that sex was not happening, end of. Because presumably he has been looking at online erotic material in order to have a wank now and again rather than pester you, which is actually fair enough.
He may be a cross-dresser, which doesn't necessarily mean he is gay (the majority of cross-dressers are heterosexual). Again, you will have to discuss it with him and agree what you are prepared to accept (for instance, that if he wants to dress in lingerie that he only does it when you are out, and keeps his stuff locked away from DC ) - again, telling him he must stop it, end of, is not going to work.
If he is in general a loving and supportive partner, then you really do have to discuss these issues with him and work out together what you can compromise on.

I understand that you are a bit freaked out and upset, but could you accept it with time? It's not that freaky as fetishes go. And it absolutely doesn't mean he's gay.
Loads of men leap at the chance to wear women's clothing, think of all the chavy stag do's with men in stockings and suspenders 'for a laugh'
It's not as if he's expecting you to have sex with him wearing women's clothes.
You need to really talk through this with him and how it makes you feel.

well; I explained right from the beginning that I have a very low sex drive and have never orgasmed and its been that way with all my relationships. Then after I gave birth i was badly grazed ad stretched and have been slightly incontinent eversince which appears to have got worse with time causing a lot of soreness and I have to wear pads all of the time, as i explained to him it doesnt exactly make me feel sexy. I am now getting treatment for this. Along with the above and the fact we have had a LOT of stress over last three years mean my sex drive has gone but i fully hoped to establish a sexual relationship with him again and have told him that. This was NOT one the things i had in mind

andlipsicktoo
This is it, I AM freaked out but I am trying to establish just how wierd this is-or isnt actually?
its just so out of character he is pretty quiet, an intelligent introvert character and very opnionated about chavs and a bit of a daily mail reader type (although he wouldnt admit it).

I said HE is a daily mail character not me lol!

f*k I dont know what to do/think i am just horrified about him thinking of men while being in bed with me etc?
and also if i found him dressed up in ladies underwear i think i would not be able to handle that

Thing is, Twinkerbell, you have to discuss it with him. Only he knows how big a deal the fetish is to him. And, as I said, liking to wear stockings doesn't make a bloke gay.
If you say he's a bit of a Daily Mail reader type, it's going to be a little bit trickier, as he may well be very ashamed of the fetish and not want you to know - but the thing is with fetishes, they don't go away just by being ignored. It might be a case of he likes to slip on his frillies once a month or so, and if he does it while you are out then that;s fine, it need not affect your life with him. And it may be that he will be less bothered by it when your sex life together improves - or he might like you to wear lingerie instead of him wearing it or something.
I am not, BTW saying you have to cater to his preferences if you hate the idea, just saying that you have to discuss the issue.

Twink, l rarely post but just had to after reading your post.

You have had an awful shock l know just the kind of thoughts you have running thru your head. You see l've been there. l have been with my DP for 18 years and yet l have known about his cross dressing for about 17 of those, he was quite honest and up front about this part of his life quite early on, l am the only one in the world who knows. To find out when you are way into a relationship with DCs is something else all together though, so l can understand your shock and worry.

l doubt very much whether your DP is gay or wants to be a woman. If he is cross dressing he has more than likely been to some extent experimenting for most of his life. My DP has memories from childhood of dressing in sisters and mums clothes when he was alone. Quite often cross dressing has nothing to do with sex and is quite seperate a kind of stress relief for the dresser. Many x-dressers do not come across as feminine but often have an enthusiatic appreciation for well dressed woman in the public eye eg: in my DPs case anything a certain ex countdown presenter wears

There is no 'type' of man you could identify as a x-dresser, they come from all walks of life and make it part of their and their partners lives to many different degrees. The dressing is often cyclical, its goes away for a while and then becomes a need during periods of stress or other factors can trigger.

In your instance the most important thing is to talk to your DP about what you have found. You will want to know, how long, when, what etc many wives/DPs need to know but then need some time to process the information and how you feel about it in the bigger picture of your relationship. For me l accept it is a small but important part of my DPs make up, it is not worth ending an otherwise good relationship over. The Beaumont Society can help you if you need someone to talk to - thats the most difficult thing l cannot talk to my Mum, sister or friends about this.

Lastly l would add you need to think about boundaries - whether DP can have personal time in the home to dress, do you want to see him dressed or help him, can he purchase some clothes and keep locked away in the home, how to ensure the children are not exposed to any situation etc etc

Good luck and keep talking

Solid is right, he probably isn't thinking about other men when he is in bed with you. I have a very good friend who is a cross-dresser and he is an avowed heterosexual with a wife and kids. As Solid says, you need to talk to him, as tough as that might be for you. Honesty and communication backed with an open-mind on your part are the best way to go at this for now I feel.

x-posted with moneypit. Great post moneypit!

twinkerbelle I won't add to the tons of excellent advice you have already had but I just wanted to say that he will not have been thinking of MEN while he is with you. That's not the way it works. Wishing you all the best and I hope you can work through this.

By twinkerbell on Tue 28-Apr-09 14:47:05
I said HE is a daily mail character not me lol!

f*k I dont know what to do/think i am just horrified about him thinking of men while being in bed with me etc?
and also if i found him dressed up in ladies underwear i think i would not be able to handle that

thankyou so much, I am getting some good advice now and actually have just found the Beaumont society webpage, although dont know if its making me feel better or worse!
I guess its acknowledging that your dh IS one of thse before you can start thinking about bigger picture.

As for seeing him and helping dressing up, i really dont think that is something I could be involved with, At the minute all sorts is going through my head- about affording to keep house if i ask him to leave, excuses i give people as to why we have split etc?

then I want to give him a big hug and act normal and pretend this isnt happening

WOuld it help to try to think of it as a not-very-interesting hobby he has? If you set boundaries such as: he does it in private and you are not involved, then it really needn't affect you at all. It is not wrong or bad or shameful, it's pretty harmless, especially at the sort of level your DP seems to be ie just liking to put on a few items of clothing now and again.

I think there are some other issue here such as , he left me when we were engaged, I didnt hear from him for months and was devastated. after a while I met someone else who was amazing and lovely but then he came back and begged and begged me to take him back and because of the investment we already had and I'd only just met this new guy i went back and we got married, had a child etc etc. I stayed in touch with the other guy for a long time and he got married not that long ago. I kinda feel tricked, like why didnt he leave me alone and get on with his own stuff

I agree with solidgold- but talking to him before you ignore the "hobby" is def for the best too...