DP keeps losing his temper

[SadNow]

He doesn't hit me or ds and I don't think he ever would. But every time we argue now, it gets to a point where he just loses it - he shouts and rages and throws things around (not at me).

I'm sitting here now in our living room where he has thrown a yoghurt, the bin he brought in from the kitchen, ds's buggy, my boots, a coat... DP has gone off to bed (and locked the bedroom door by the sound of it) but I've decided I'm not cleaning up the mess. I think perhaps it would help if he sees it in the morning?

A bit of history: DP has long-term depression, for which he has had counselling in the past (not for a few years now), but never any medication; he seems to be quite anti. He also absolutely refuses to discuss his loss of temper: either he claims it is my fault for provoking him (I have warned him that he is on very dangerous ground with this one) or he says he knows it's a problem BUT there's always another issue we have to deal with first before we can move on to the anger. Last time it was the fact that he's very stressed and tired (this is true) and I needed to let him have a few lie-ins, breaks from ds, etc, so he could get his head together. I was suffering v bad morning sickness at the time, and while he is a super-caring partner, he does often seem to get to the point where he can't handle being the strong one any more and cracks.

I honestly don't think he is deliberately manipulative. I think he is unable to cope with stress, but he takes any attempt by me to discuss ways we could head off these rows as an excuse to blame him and make it all his fault. So we go nowhere.

Sorry this is so long. There's lots more to say, really, and I'll no doubt think of more. Please don't tell me to leave him - he's a good man and I love him and dc2 is on the way. I need some advice on how we confront this problem without it turning into another row

Thank you

Anyone?

I'm here, just going back to read your op!
(wanted you to know)

Oh dear, that sounds awful for you all.
I don't feel I can offer advice as such but wonder how you feel about telling someone in RL.
If this was happening in my home I know I would not feel ashamed at all to share this with a friend, family member or person of trust. I would also make it completely clear to him that you are doing just that.
A wake up call that that kind of behaviour will not be accepted and that you need help with coping with that kind of abusive and scarey behaviour is in order.
Keep posting and hopefully someone will offer you more constructive advice.

Oh dear, he sounds like my ex p. He would fly off the handle, scream, shout and turn into an ogre. It was bloody scary. About a year ago I was pregnant with dc no.2 and we tried Relate but in the end we seperated for a few weeks to let everything calm down. We got back together and had a good summer then he started falling apart again after dd arrived and he was threatened with reundandcy. We split for good on new years day this year. It hasn't been easy, but to know I never have to deal with his anger again its worth it. He's finally calmed down now after 4 months apart and me calling the police on him a few times, I think he's learning a very hard lesson.

You need to 'force' your dh to confront his problems. Have you tried Relate? TBH he probably needs personal counselling but going to Relate might open his eyes to it.

If your dh can't cope with stress he will implode when the new baby comes along, he needs ways of coping with it.

Can't write more tonight but will check back tomorrow.

Don't clean up his mess. (Unless the yoghurt has split in which case maybe just that). You go to bed and he can deal with it when he is calm in the morning. My ex would always tidy up the day after he lost it once he realised I wasn't doing it for him.

Thanks pellmell and Meglet.

I have been sitting here wondering who I could talk to - I think what I need more than an outlet for my own feelings is some way of making him confront the fact that his behaviour is affecting our relationship. I have suggested couple counselling; that's when he usually says there's something he wants to try first - which is usually something I have to do differently . But so far I have always tried to be really positive about listening to his complaints about me, in the hope that it will be reciprocated. But it just isn't. I think it just reinforces his belief that if I just acted differently, he'd never lose his temper at all...

Do you have any thoughts on how best to get him to face up to it? I have tried telling him how vulnerable and scared it makes me when he acts this way. I have written him a letter explaining that I'm not angry with him, but want us to work this out. I have pointed out that one day our ds will be aware of what is going on. But he will never, never talk about why he is so angry - or accept that he needs to be the one to stop it.

babe.....I need to go to bed now so will post more tomorrow.
Have you ever told him that you are going to convide in someone for support. Does he believe that you keep this a secret?
How would he react?

goodnight for now
{{{{hug}}}}

well, until he accepts that he has a problem nothing is going to change is it. his behaviour, his responsibility....

you need to think about what you are / arent prpared to put up with and let him know.... ie. he has to go to relate with you / seek help from gp or whatever.

his stress levels most certainly lessen when you have a toddler and a baby to look after will they?

feel sorry for you, but a lot sorrier for the dcs.

.... stress levels most certainly WON'T lessen....

Goodnight, thank you!

I don't reckon he'd think I would tell anybody; I'm quite a private person. I have been wondering if I could talk to my GP, but am worried it would then go on my records somewhere (or dp's?), esp as I am pregnant.

But you're right, actually, I do need an outlet. Otherwise I'm just sat here on my own crying...

if he cannot accept that his anger is his problem then you might need to be blunt with him and point out your relationship might not survive if he carries on like it. I know I pretty much told my ex p we were going to Relate and if he didn't like it he could move out. He came round to the idea of counselling after a few days (I think I'd already made the appointment).

Can you make it to Relate on your own? Even though he's the one with the problem it will help you having someone to talk to about it.

He sounds like he is being an utter arse and in total denial of his behaviour .

Just promise yourself that from now on you will do what you need to do to make sure you and the dc's don't have to put up with it anymore. You don't have to tolerate it anymore. He has got to learn how to deal with his anger or else you might not be there for him for much longer. You can't let him behave like this for ever.

thanks controlfreak, I know you are right that it is his problem. Perhaps I have not been forceful enough in talking to him - my thinking has always been to let some time pass after the row so neither of us feels so fraught, then to talk to him calmly and stressing that I think it's a problem we both need to sort out, and that I know there are things he'd like me to change too.

Problem is, we then end up talking about the things he'd like me to change, and I feel like I can't close down that discussion because that would give him an excuse not to discuss his behaviour. Not that we do get round to discussing his behaviour, so that tactic isn't really paying off, is it?

stop being so reasonable.

he either takes responsibility for his unacceptable behaviour and seeks help to manage his anger or he decides to continue to do nothing. if he chooses the latter, you have to make a decision. put up with him as he is or split.

this is the message he needs to hear from you and you need to mean it and not veer from it regardless of what shit he throws at you.

don't get drawn into a discussion on your alleged defects.

mrsjammi, your post made me cry (but thank you). I wish dp could see that this is seriously affecting our relationship. I have said to him that his blaming of me sounds exactly like something a man who hits his partner would say - he was really offended by that, but I think it's a fair comparison, it's all about passing on responsibility to someone else.

Meglet, thanks, I am googling relate counsellors. I think perhaps I need to do what you did and just make the appointment.

He does need ways to cope with his stress. He also needs to understand that you are not the source of it and that you should not have to bear the brunt of his aggression. He's not being directly violent to you, but his behaviour is violent nonetheless. Was his dad like this when he was young?

He's transferring the stress that he feels onto you, and perhaps needs to be reminded that he's supposed to love you - is that a way to treat someone you love? I only say this, because it's what I had to say to my DH just before I had our DC2. Terrible rages over the smallest things, as a vent to the pressure he was feeling about having another child - who we planned together, not just me. His dad had been like that when he was young.
Is there any way that the issue of medication can be re-addressed? It really makes a difference. Not in a spacy way, but in bringing back the pleasant person you fell in love with.
Ultimately, it's down to him to make the difference, but he needs to know that his behaviour isn't normal or acceptable.

Blinks, that made me smile. I AM being too reasonable, I think - I'm tying myself into knots to try to avoid giving him a reason to accuse me of starting a row... and achieving nothing in the process.

I do hate fighting, though, and I'm not sure I'm ready to start issuing ultimatums. But I do have to insist he gets some sort of help, don't I?

I gave a warning - if, when I was able to share the financial burden and pressure again, these rages continued, then it was the beginning of the end and a problem with the relationship rather than the circumstances.

doesn't need to be a fight.

best way to deal with temper tantrums is to disengage.

i would leave it open ended... 'you have a decision to make (DH), either take responsibility and seek help to manage your anger or do nothing and face the consequences... take some time to think about it and we'll talk again tomorrow'.

if he starts trying to draw you into an argument, tell him firmly you will not be talking about this anymore until he's made a final decision and walk away.

don't do all the work.

Just because he doesn't hit you, doesn't mean he;s not abusive. Just because he's nice when he;s not being abusive, doesn't stop him being abusive.
He is abusive, because you are having to moderate your behaviour and be afraid all the time - because you know deep down there is a possibility that this time will be the time he does hit you.
Of course he doesn;t want to go to Relate etc. He doesn;t want to be told by anyone else that he must stop throwing tantrums, that it's not acceptable, that he is guilty of domestic violence.
You need to tell people in RL, don't cover up for him. His behaviour is not your fault and it's not acceptable.

Before we had children, my DH & I were arguing alot; I'd find so much of what I said was misunderstood. It was a real minefield. And every so

often he'd thump a wall & leave a hole, slam a door & break the glass....and I'd get the blame. He wouldn't entertain Relate, had some

counselling & some healing, even tried shamanic journeying. These therapies helped him but did little to improve our communication. So I

bought a pocket size note book and started to write to him about my fears & frustrations. He wrote back & alot of dark thoughts and self

loathing started to come out. Writing down stuff is very cathartic. As we MNers know this.

why not give it a go? we did not talk about what we wrote, it wasn't necessary, for us the writing brought change. Good luck.

Sadnow Some MNers have given you some great advice.

I just want to say to you though, that what he is doing is domestic violence.

Does he throw things near you, will he hit you next time? A bruise/broken rib/cut on your head from something thrown hurts as much as one from a punch. Believe me I know. The shouting, the feeling scared, the trying not to set off an argument is all about him needing to control you.

My H has just left me and his temper outbursts got worse over the years. I could say everything you are saying and never shared any of it with my RL friends. God I was text book. "D"H also told me it was me, that he was not abusive or a bully and got angry if I suggested he might be and he told me his behaviour was perfectly normal. It's only now I've mentioned a few things to RL friends that I'm getting how NOT normal it was and how little I thought about my own survival and right to peace and safety in my own home. I watched my DS start to copy "D"H over the past few years. Now he's gone I can mediate that.

I'm not saying you need to go down the same route, but please take it seriously that you feel scared of his temper. Normal men dont scare their wives.

Hitting a wall/door is still violence by the way.

I also thought it only counted if he hit me.
I therefore ignored the pushing (down the stairs, into walls), blocking me in rooms, tipping me off mattress when I was hiding underneath quilt, shouting in my face (regularly), talking over me constantly to not let me finish a sentence, gripping my arms too hard, throwing things (books, plug, keys) at me so they hit my head, snatching things from me and twisting my hands to do it ....

There, I've told you more than I've ever told anyone else.

Oh and punching walls, doors, throwing chairs, breaking my handbag straps, throwing shoes at me, throwing my handbag into the street, taking leads from computer and TV if he stormed out so that we couldnt watch them until he came back....

It sounds terrible when you write a list. I wonder if you can write a similar list?