DP keeps losing his temper

[SadNow]

He doesn't hit me or ds and I don't think he ever would. But every time we argue now, it gets to a point where he just loses it - he shouts and rages and throws things around (not at me).

I'm sitting here now in our living room where he has thrown a yoghurt, the bin he brought in from the kitchen, ds's buggy, my boots, a coat... DP has gone off to bed (and locked the bedroom door by the sound of it) but I've decided I'm not cleaning up the mess. I think perhaps it would help if he sees it in the morning?

A bit of history: DP has long-term depression, for which he has had counselling in the past (not for a few years now), but never any medication; he seems to be quite anti. He also absolutely refuses to discuss his loss of temper: either he claims it is my fault for provoking him (I have warned him that he is on very dangerous ground with this one) or he says he knows it's a problem BUT there's always another issue we have to deal with first before we can move on to the anger. Last time it was the fact that he's very stressed and tired (this is true) and I needed to let him have a few lie-ins, breaks from ds, etc, so he could get his head together. I was suffering v bad morning sickness at the time, and while he is a super-caring partner, he does often seem to get to the point where he can't handle being the strong one any more and cracks.

I honestly don't think he is deliberately manipulative. I think he is unable to cope with stress, but he takes any attempt by me to discuss ways we could head off these rows as an excuse to blame him and make it all his fault. So we go nowhere.

Sorry this is so long. There's lots more to say, really, and I'll no doubt think of more. Please don't tell me to leave him - he's a good man and I love him and dc2 is on the way. I need some advice on how we confront this problem without it turning into another row

Thank you

What your husband is doing to you IS emotional abuse. If it is possible for you to get this book I most definately recommend it. I have just bought it and it is shocking how well it describes my ex partner. I can pretty much guarantee that you will recognise your husband in it.
Have a read of the reviews and see what you think.

how are thngs this morning?

it might help when you have a discussion to simply say "look i can't do this anymore, its not my fault, its the way you handle things. so either we split up or

1. you go to anger management
2. you get and continue to take medication for depression
3. we both go to relate.

i am not saying that your viewpoints are invalid, but i am saying that i amnot prepared to listen to your viewpoints via screaming and shouting and intimidation, becuase thats just bullying and scaring me into submission or your viewpoint, which isn't what a relationships all about"

You don't think he'd ever hit you. From the rest of your post, I'd say it was highly likely that he might, in due course, if he doesn't get help now. And the fact that you started your OP with those very words, I think, means deep down, you are scared that he will.

He locks the bedroom door? He needs to know that if his behaviour continues, then he might just find the front door locked.

He needs help for his depression and he needs to admit that. You need to tell him that you refuse to accept responsibility for his actions. Do not ever believe you are provoking him- the "provoking" excuse is the one used by weak men who recognise they are on dodgy moral ground. It is emotional abuse (and no better than physical abuse) to try and make you take the blame for his fvckwittage.

From your post I don't see where he is being the strong one who needs a break either. Quite the opposite- you're coping with bad MS, a mentally ill and violent person in the house and he's the one who needs a break? Come on.

"I honestly don't think he is deliberately manipulative." I do. He is.

Please talk to someone IRL about this.

Sending you love and strength, and please, keep talking to us. x

OMG you are suffering terribly, there is a Lundy book other mners recommend on another thread about emotional abuse, which is just as dangerous for you and your dc.

You must protect dc as they will grow up thinking this is normal, ok behaviour. Leaving is hard but you have to realise women and dc get murdered every day in this country and if you put up with it you are sanctioning it.

Never clean up after him. Take photo's, compile a dossier of everything up 'til now and get solicitor/ police advice.

You and your dc deserve better than this. It is emotional torture and will not improve if you give him excuses. It is never ok to behave this way, under any circumstances.

Please be objective about his psychological problems, he does need help and you are not a mental health worker so you can't deal with his 'tratment', you must seek outside help.

You have made the first step in the right direction, good luck and big hug.

Hello.

A few weeks ago my P threw a tantrum (one of many but first one that had turned nasty as in wrecking the house)

He is now XP but ONLY after many people pointed out my DS could easily have been killed.. stone fireplace ripped off the wall and chucked across the room..DS (3 months old) in a bouncy chair in the living room.. YOU work it out.

I had to realise, i kept forgiving and forgiving and walking on eggshells.

Ask yourself one question. Just one. I promise it will give you strength, whatever you decide to do, leave or stay, not to put up with it. I know because i did this.

..........

Look at your children and ask yourself, "Where will i draw the line at forgiving this man? Will i still forgive him when i am stood sobbing over my DC's grave after he has killed them by throwing something in a tantrum?"

thank you all - I've been at work today and couldn't post but I wanted you to know I have read all your posts and am thinking really hard about how to address things.

This morning I said to him that we were going to talk tonight about his loss of temper and throwing things. He acted incredulous and said the real issue was my querulousness - when I said no, your behaviour was unacceptable, he said this was proof of his point

But we have had a few pleasant exchanges during the day about ds, and dp is on his way home now, so I'm really hoping he has calmed down and will be able to listen without becoming defensive. I like custardo's suggestion, thanks.

I'm so sorry to hear that so many of you have/had violent partners.

o.k

so based on his reply about you being given to complaining.......what does he expect? Should he throw something anytime anyone or anything gets on his nerves?

If he is really saying that you get on his nerves so much he loses control of his senses (what a pillock) then maybe you should suggest seperating.
Surely that would do him a favour!

Obviously he has a "little man" anger problem.Poor boy.

Good luck with your chat

sidestep his defensiveness.

'i don't accept that' is as much of an answer as that deserves. stay focussed on what YOU want to communicate. keep it simple.

you don't need to tackle his defensiveness or bad behaviour... that's his job. you need to point out that you find physical displays of anger unacceptable and that if steps aren't taken to deal with his anger problem, you will have to consider whether to stay in the relationship.

ask him to think about what he's going to do rather than respond immediately. tell him you would prefer a considered answer so take some time and re-convene. men respond much better to being given time to think in my experience.

I do agree with blinks..leave em to mull it over and most of the time they take a few days to realise they have been a cock.

Doesn't help at the time though does it

I personally am glad i don't have to walk on eggshells any more or put up with the tantrum-calm down-couple of days later apology.

I used to find the time in the middle terribly soul destroying, i am a person who recognises when i have done wrong and apologises immediately ... nothing worse than stewing/leaving someone else to stew over it. Its unfair.

I hope you got on ok last night.