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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How easy it is to leave?

32 replies

sunshinejune · 27/04/2009 20:28

Can anyone advise please. I have totally had it. I can't take it anymore. My OH is increasingly down on me - my life is a misery - I suspect we are a short way away from it turning physical. He thinks he is a great parter and dad. I feel like the housekeeper and hired shag. I am too bored with it all even to write at length on here suffice to say many of the histories I read on here seem similar to mine. The impetus to improve things has died on both sides. I have 2 small children and he says there is no way I can leave with them. Is there anything to stop me just leaving with the when he is out? Does he legally have a right to live with them? I am scared we won't be able to leave if he finds out.

OP posts:
divedaisy · 27/04/2009 21:53

I am so sorry to hear your story.

Personally I have no experience with leaving a partner, however you sound as though you have come to the end of the road. Have you spoken to Citizens Advice Bureau to find out what you can do legally? Or contacted a solicitor for advice?

As for him saying you cannot leave with them, there are plenty of mums who do leave wiith their kids - but you'd need to get proper advice about it all.

The bottom line is one my DH uses all the time - you only pass this way through this life once - you only get one chance, so don't just make do, instead try to make it the best you can.

Have you spoken to your GP as it is also possible you have depression which wouldn't help your view of things. Also is it possible for you both to try councelling?

bigted · 27/04/2009 21:57

If you are this miserable you need to get out.

who owns the house?
No he does not have a legal right to live with them but if they are his children you would presumably go out of your way to ensure reasonable access for him to see them?
Is he an unreasonable person?
Are you afraid of what he might do if you left?

What a dreadful situation to be in.
I with you strength to do what needs done.

Spero · 27/04/2009 22:03

It depends on how much money you have as to how easy it will be.

He has every right to apply to the court for a residence order if you leave with the children - whether or not he gets one will depend on which of you is in reality the children's main carer. But even if he doesn't live with them, he will be entitled to see them, unless you can prove that such contact will be harmful.

As there are children involved, you will have to maintain some sort of relationship with him so is it possible for you to go to some kind of mediation/counselling to make the separation less difficult?

But if you think he could be violent, that is a whole different ball game and sounds like you should get somewhere safe as soon as possible.

good luck.

divedaisy · 27/04/2009 22:07

have you anyone in real life you can confide in and ask for help and support? What family support do you have? Friends?

I would still speak with CAB to find out what your options are and get some practical advice about processes eg housing.

bigted · 27/04/2009 22:09

Do you have some place to go to?

janett · 27/04/2009 22:27

I suffered with emotional abuse from my xh. I did not see why i had to be the one to leave and remove the children from their home. I saw a solicitor and got a court injuntion on him and he was not allowed to verbally abuse me or molest me in any way. Then after 6 weeks when he had to go and give his side in court the judge banned him from returning to the home. So it can be done and believe me its worth it. good luck

divedaisy · 27/04/2009 23:05

sounds like good advice.

DoneWithCrying · 27/04/2009 23:42

Sunshine I'm really sorry for you.

I think you should go to Citizens Advice or a solicitor.

I thought about leaving my xp many many times but did not have the courage to until 3 weeks ago.

My ds's are now 11/13/15 and I think their wishes about where they want to live will be taken into consideration. I am so scared that I am going to lose them. My very manipulative xp has been going behind my back and promising ds's the world. Of course this sounds very attractive to them.

I feel sick.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I would get some legal advice though.

ridingjoker · 28/04/2009 07:37

is it dp or dh?

StercusAccidit · 28/04/2009 07:55

Hi sorry for thread hijack but DWC.. i know its hard, if they want to go, let them, its proof of your love..and when they're ready and he has shattered their dreams too they will come back having learnt a valuable life lesson.

Don't make him happy by stressing/reacting/worrying.. its what he wants by tempting the kids..he wants to strip you of everything you love as a punishment for 'daring' to leave him.

Give him what he wants in letting the boys go, when he realises what he's took on, childcare/ect what about when he needs to work, or they need lots of money spent on them, or gets a new gf and they 'get in the way' ? He will land on his arse, thats what.

Wishing you good luck and giving you a very un mn like

Original poster
sunshinejune · 28/04/2009 16:24

it is dp.

Thank you all for your messages. I am going to try to get some proper "legal" advice.

Thanks to you all that replied to me

OP posts:
bigted · 28/04/2009 23:03

sunshinejune what a lovely choice of name.

How are you?

Original poster
sunshinejune · 29/04/2009 00:10

Is anyone up? Just had row - well I say row he says nothing - he had gone into other toom. One of the children is ill for 4th night in row which means I am up all night (as he works and I don't so my life counts for nothing) snd he slopes off. He told me we had not had sex for a week (that is because I have been up for 4 nights) and he has got hump as I said no tonight. Am I being unreasonable? To be fair sex life is very poor from my side but if he upsets me I simply don't want to know. I am sitting here fuming as he has just gone to bed and he has wound me up to exploding and there is nothing I can do but sit here and cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinejune · 29/04/2009 00:12

I know that if it was n't for the children he would be long gone - he has told me as much

OP posts:
bigted · 29/04/2009 00:23

yes `i am here

bigted · 29/04/2009 00:26

he cannot expect to bully you into having sex with him!
YANBU!

Original poster
sunshinejune · 29/04/2009 00:29

so pleased someone is up. very late to be on a computer.
Just sitting here wondering/dreading what the morning is going to bring.

OP posts:
solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 29/04/2009 00:30

What a shit he sounds. I suggest you contact Women's Aid for advice. Of course you don't want sex with someone who is abusive towards you.
He can't stop you leaving with the children, though he can insist on having contact with them. If he is violent then he can be made to leave the house and forbidden to return.

bigted · 29/04/2009 00:30

okay lovey I am wide awake if you want to talk for a bit.

bigted · 29/04/2009 00:31

have you been following Stars' thread on here?

Original poster
sunshinejune · 29/04/2009 00:32

not sure what YANBU is.

but to be fair sex is a very rare occurence..i am just not interested so can see how it might get frustrating. Sure it is only short matter of time before he cheats

OP posts:
bigted · 29/04/2009 00:33

YANBU =you are not being unreasonable

bigted · 29/04/2009 00:33

read your first post.
No wonder you don't want to have sex with him

Original poster
sunshinejune · 29/04/2009 00:35

he is not violent but I just feel he might he gets very angry sometimes. I think he is just going to go for me at some point.

not seen stars thread what is it entitled please?

OP posts:
bigted · 29/04/2009 00:40

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