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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Jesus my Husband makes me feel like I am dealing with a lively toddler who can't control his mouth or emotions and I am sick of it

39 replies

CrushWithEyeliner · 27/04/2009 13:30

I am so fed up with DH.

He has no social skills whatsoever and I am so sick of being his guardian and having to monitor what comes out of his mouth in company.

He says such odd things when for eg our neighbours get chatting with him. He may start swearing, being laddish or tells them personal things about my business that they really don't need (or want) to know. He could also be described as sharp, witty and funny and, well a bit eccentric I suppose and I don't know how on earth he is so successful with clients at work who seem to love his passion and energy.

I put this aside when we got together but is is fucking annoying me now and I am sick of telling him off or pulling a face at him to tell him to stop talking about rubbish. My friends husbands don't feel the need to talk continuously about this garbage so why does he.

I know I saound v harsh but the last straw came when yesterday my neighbour came to ME and knew something about my private business with DDs nursery and I was gobsmaked. When I came home I asked him if he had said something to her and he said "Oh yes, sorry". It just makes me want to leave him it really does .

What the fuck is wrong with him?

OP posts:
chickers · 27/04/2009 13:38

Its just bloody men!!!
I think he may like it that you give him the attention when he says stuff. My friends husband is exactly the same, she spent 80% of her time apologising for his mouth and behaviour, we told her that it makes no difference to us what he says we still like being with her.
Once she ignored him and stopped rising to it he calmed down. So yes, it is toddler behaviour I'm afraid.
Good Luck its a tricky one.
Has he always been like that??

kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 27/04/2009 13:40

You asked what is wrong with him? I'm tempted to say, 'He's male!' but don't want to offend any of our male mumsnetters!!

It sounds like he's always been like this, he was like it when you met and I doubt if he's going to change now.
Does he realise how much his behaviour has upset you? Maybe you just need to sit him down and tell him that you don't want him telling everyone your business, that you would like some things to stay private etc etc.

unavailable · 27/04/2009 13:44

"Private business with dd's nursery" doesnt sound like a personal issue iykwim.

Do other people say he has no social skills?

Original poster
CrushWithEyeliner · 27/04/2009 13:47

I have done yesterday in fact, it makes me so mad I want to cry. I told him I hated him . But he will not change, I guess you can't change someones' core personality can you?

OP posts:
Original poster
CrushWithEyeliner · 27/04/2009 13:48

No no one else says it but they wouldn't say so to me would they?

and it was private, believe me it was.

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 27/04/2009 13:54

I would disagree that it's men. It's not. And it's not helpful to shrug and accept it. There's nothing about a penis that makes you behave like that.

It's him. Lacks social skills? says inappropriate things? eccentric?

Does he have areas of special interest? Topics he bangs on and on and on about? does he find it hard to read people - to pick up on visual clues that tell him someone's fed up? how is he at picking up on feelings?

I'm just wondering about asd.

unavailable · 27/04/2009 13:59

As it was private, he was out of order.

If you have made it clear - this time and in the past - how much this upsets you, maybe you should chose to give out some of his personal information in company and see how he likes it. Being on the receiving end may make him think twice.

Original poster
CrushWithEyeliner · 27/04/2009 13:59

Yes to all of those things Hecates. A huge fat yes to all of the things you mentioned. What is asd?

OP posts:
Original poster
CrushWithEyeliner · 27/04/2009 14:01

He is very clever though - I mean really clever with maths and stuff - he is so sharp and can calculate things just in his head and very articulate and successful in his job.

He has no friends though, none at all.

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 27/04/2009 14:03

Autistic Spectrum Disorder

Yes, many people with asd are extremely clever! It's socially they are shit!

Original poster
CrushWithEyeliner · 27/04/2009 14:05

How can I find out if he has this problem?

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 27/04/2009 14:05

CrushWithEyeliner - just a few thoughts.

Is it possible DH is not actually very confident and does not know what to say in a conversation so he tends to say the first thing that comes into his head?

Is he a good salesman with clients but has a lot of clients who are men who are similar? Laddish behaviour, swearing and so on may be entirely appropriate in that context but not in other contexts. There is a time and place. For example, I would never ever write a swear word on MN (or any other internet site) but having worked in City trading room I tend to swear a lot when working at home. I would never swear anywhere else or on the phone of or if anyone was visiting my home either.

Maybe DH needs to learn that being funny and witty is OK in some places and swearing and larking about is not acceptable in certain contexts. You did like him enough to marry him and he must have always been this way?

kidcreoleandthecoconuts - not offended because some blokes are like this.

Yurtgirl · 27/04/2009 14:05

Autistic Spectrum Disorder

My son has Aspergers, as does my Dad! Both sound similar to your son tbh - My dad constantly says foolish things and embarrasses his family - so much so that I refused to attend my graduation ceremony

My son is mega clever with what his peadiatrician described as text book aspergers

Sorry Ive got to go and tidy up etc now but feel free to ask further questions

HecatesTwopenceworth · 27/04/2009 14:06

no diagnosis but gives you ideas of areas of interest!

Original poster
CrushWithEyeliner · 27/04/2009 14:07

He has lots of stories about being told off for not joining in as a young child, his Mother had to stop taking him to parties as he would refuse to play. I just know he has struggled socially throughout his whole life.

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 27/04/2009 14:08

HecatesTwopenceworth - x posted with you and agree. Men tend to be more likely to be ASD sufferers.

I believe it can be treated in mild cases in the sense that people can 'eventually learn' apropriate behaviours as they aproach adulthood.

Yurtgirl · 27/04/2009 14:09

Being very good at maths, remembering things and being articulate is also common with people who have aspergers

Recently on a train near Cardiff, my son said in a big loud voice "Mummy did you know that Merther tydfil is the worst place in the uk to live!"

I died quietly - Loads of people noticed and I felt duty bound to apoliogise on his behalf. My dad is just as bad and he is 63

Also drives my mum crazy - they have been married 40 years!

Yurtgirl · 27/04/2009 14:10

this is useful

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 14:11

I used to say completely inappropriate things as a way of trying to get people to talk to me/like me.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 27/04/2009 14:12

great minds, Yurt.

Original poster
CrushWithEyeliner · 27/04/2009 14:15

Thank you all so much

I have suspected something is not right for so long now and this is an eye opener. I am going to ask hi to do this test. He agrees with me that socially he is unsure of what to do and confused. I feel so bad for being so mad at him now.

OP posts:
muffle · 27/04/2009 14:17

He may well be on the asd spectrum and you may want to look into that. But also, try to be less upset about it - though this is irritating you, he is still a lovable person - and something must have attracted you to him - and I think he might not be enraging the neighbours as much as you think. I worked with someone very like this once - everyone regarded him as eccentric, everyone knew "what he was like" and made allowances, everyone actually loved him and respected him a great deal for his undoubted skills at his job. Having the right social chit chat isn't everything... I find it really hard myself - as for DP, he won't talk to the neighbours, he would rather hide behind a tree! But so what, we are who we are, we're not horrible. If you take a step back and realise he can't help it and try to have a sense of humour about it, it might not seem so bad.

Yurtgirl · 27/04/2009 14:23

Also phone the National Austistic Society on 0845 0704004 thats the autism helpline

They are fantastic - will send you loads of free info fact sheets - or try their website - I have found them to be very helpful

muffle · 27/04/2009 14:30

Also come to think of it DP's boss is like this too. He is the most tactless, clueless man in the world and has said so many shocking things everyone has lost count; he has eccentric, obsessive collections; he's obsessed with numbers. But he's a sweetie, he is kind and caring and very, very clever and much-loved. This is a much older man who AFAIK has never has any ASD assessment and he gets by OK. I think our society generally does have a great deal of capacity to allow for and accept eccentric behaviour.

ABetaDad · 27/04/2009 14:33

muffle - very sensible post. My wife worked with a man who was also exactly like that. Brilliant at his job but would occassionally say the most inappropriate things and have no clue he had said anything wrong.

He was a very successful manager though because he would not hedge around issues and play politics and instead deal with them in a totally sraight and honest way. He eventually became the chief executive of a major pulic quoted company.

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