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Original poster

Is it unethical to try for DC3 when I don't see a future for me and DP?

41 replies

saintmary · 26/04/2009 21:46

Just would be interested in your opinions (good and bad) My DP and I have been together for almost 10 years. DC1 is 3 and DC2 is 1. I know in my heart I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him but I am 34 this year and would love my DC to have another sibling. There is nothing seriously wrong with our relationship (no violence, abuse, financial issues etc) we're just very different people and don't get along brilliantly. He's not a great family man either and is currently on anti-depressants for stress & depression. Is it really selfish of me to be even considering DC3?

(BTW I absolutely love being a mum and adore my DC, I am just saddened he's not the family man I expected him to be)

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 26/04/2009 21:47

Yes.

paolosgirl · 26/04/2009 21:49

Honestly? No, I don't think it's a good idea. If you are going to go your separate ways, then it's not really fair to bring another baby into your relationship. If he's on AD's then another baby and the stresses that they can cause is probably not likely to help him either.

norksinmywaistband · 26/04/2009 21:49

I don't think it's wrong for you want to have another child/sibling for your DC, but I do not think it is right for you to be considering this with your DP.

He is not in the right place right now by the sounds of it, and you do not want to be with him.

Having DC is meant to be a joint decision in a relationship, and I think that if you told him you wanted another child ith him that would IMO send the impression you want to stay together

rasputin · 26/04/2009 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lulumama · 26/04/2009 21:52

i thikn it is unethcial to use your partner as a sperm donor

i also thikn it is wise to get your health back on track and reduce or get off your meds before contemplating antoher pregnacny

you also need to consider life at some point as a single mother of 2 or 3

ninah · 26/04/2009 21:54

I think it is fine to have another dc provided you are able to bring all 3 up alone if it comes to that

Original poster
saintmary · 26/04/2009 21:56

Thanks, Lulu just to clarify I'm not on meds, he is.

OP posts:
MuffinBaker · 26/04/2009 21:57

It is really unfair to do this.

How about considering trying to support him through his illness to become the man you fell in love with?

ilovemydogandMrObama · 26/04/2009 21:58

Think it's her DP on the anti depressants...

MuffinBaker · 26/04/2009 21:58

you are not old and your youngest is only 1.

what is the rush?

BeehiveBaby · 26/04/2009 21:59

I had DD2 specifically to provide DD1 with an companion in the what I saw as inevitable to-ing and fro-ing that I expexted to come with our doomed marriage. If we were still doomed I don't think I would be able to resist getting PG again but I think it is the braver decision. Having said that, I would not underestimate the complications o having children by different fathers and would not judge you for completing your family.

Lulumama · 26/04/2009 22:00

sorry for teh misunderstanding...

so, does he know how yuo feel? is he aware that you are wanting out?

if he was well and off his med would you feel differenty

Noonki · 26/04/2009 22:02

saintmary - sorry I think it is wrong. I have two kids the same ages as your current ones and you know that it is hard work.

With three it will be even harder and on your own much harder.

Also if your DP struggles with them at the moment he will massively stuggle having 3 over at his on his own. So that means either they will not go to their dad's or they will not have that good a time there.

A good few of my friends have had kids in their late thirties so it most certainly isnt end of the line!

Original poster
saintmary · 26/04/2009 22:08

Hi, I am fully supportive of him getting help for his depression/stress. It was only after I confided in a friend about his low moods that she (a GP) urged him to get help. I persuaded him to see a GP. He has said (at his lowest point) that if he knew how hard it would be he would not have had any children. When he was at his worst he seemed to totally resent having a family. That devastated me, so yes, I have considered the possibility of being a single mum for quite some time now.

Now he is on medication things have improved significantly and I've been seeing glimpses of the man I loved (hence considering DC3). But then we have a shit day (eg today) and he's behaved like a moody arse during what should have been a perfect family day (picnic and catching up with friends) etc. etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
saintmary · 26/04/2009 22:14

Thanks Lulu, yes we have both had full and frank discussions about separating vs staying together

He has only been on meds for 6 wks - tbh the only way I would consider staying in the relationship would be if he stayed on them permanently as he's been hell to live with without

Beehive - thank you, really kind words.. maybe I'm kidding myself, but I don't feel I am being selfish (I want DC3 to complete their sibling unit rather than satisfying my needs) I cannot imagine wanting to have further children if I ended this relationship

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 26/04/2009 22:19

At no point have you even mentioned what HE thinks of this idea - have you even asked him? surely to god it depends on what he thinks of having another child? If he finds parenthood too difficult and regrets it (depression notwithstandng) how can you possibly contemplate having another one with him?

He deserves to know the truth and to not be used as a sperm donor so you can up and leave him, taking three kids instead of 2.

Littlefish · 26/04/2009 22:23

Yes, I think you're being unreasonable and incredibly selfish. You are seriously considering having another child when you don't think you are going to stay with your partner. Your 2dcs will have to go through the upset of you separating. Why on earth would you consider putting another child through it.

It's also completely unfair on your partner. You know that he is struggling at the moment. To bring another child into the equation would be selfish.

Original poster
saintmary · 26/04/2009 22:29

Hi MrsB, I should have made it clear - yes, we have discussed having a third child openly this month. The comments he made re having children were last year - things have improved greatly since then (DC2 sleeping through now) and in general he seems to be enjoying them much more now. I wouldn't say he's mad keen to have a third, but he says it's fine by him if it's what I want.

Am aware it could be just down to the meds.

I would prefer a small age gap, and would have had 1&2 closer if I could.. just think it's good for them to grow up close in age and play together etc.

OP posts:
Scrumplet · 26/04/2009 22:32

But saintmary, you would be having DC3 to satisfy your needs - to fulfill your idea of how a sibling unit should be. Your DC have no concept of what a 'complete' sibling unit is like; there is no such thing. FWIW I can understand that you may have a gut feeling for how many kids you would like - an idea of what would feel complete to you. But because its your idea, your want, it is inherently selfish.

In answer to your question, I think it would be an unethical decision, yes. I am sure parental break-up is painful and potentially damaging for children more of the time than not (it certainly was for DS), and I think bringing a third child into the world knowing that they will experience this early pain and instability is unethical.

Littlefish · 26/04/2009 22:37

Well put Scrumplet.

Earlybird · 26/04/2009 22:38

What help do you imagine you would need practically and financially, and where do you imagine that help would come from?

Can you tell us a bit more about why you think 3 children is a better 'family unit'?

ABetaDad · 26/04/2009 22:39

saintmary - am I right in thinking you are contemplating having sex over a fairly extended period in order to conceive with a man you do not really love anymore and think you may leave?

I do not think that is a good idea on so many different levels.

Scrumplet · 26/04/2009 22:40

Also, if your DH is anti more children when low, and indifferent when on meds, if it were me, I'd be concerned about how wanted and enjoyed my third would feel as he/she grew up.

And another thing - getting carried away now! - is that your most recent post suggests you have pretty rigid family designs: number of kids, precise age gaps, etc. Not only does life not work this way (I'd have liked a second, and it's unexpectedly worked out that I don't have the man nor the fertility to make this happen), but surely there's going to be fall-out to building your perfect family on a foundation of sand (i.e. a fragile relationship).

There are times when it's good for us not to get everything we want, and I think this might be one of them.

I do want to add, though, that I feel your pain at your real life family unit not panning out as you'd imagined it would.

mrsboogie · 26/04/2009 22:42

He says its fine by him if you want a third but he's not saying it with the knowledge that you think you will be leaving him. There is no such thing a complete sibling unit - your existing children aren't going to lament the lack of another brother or sister. aren't you doing it for yourself? - to fulfil your idea of the ideal number of children? But you are choosing to bring a child into a broken home and that isn't fair on anyone.

You say you can't envisage wanting another child with a different man later - you are still young - what if you found yourself with the love of your life in a few years time? what if he wanted kids?

Original poster
saintmary · 26/04/2009 22:47

Hi MrsB, thanks for your post

Unfortunately yes, we have had open discussions about whether to stay together or not, so I don't agree that he would be agreeing to another child in ignorance of those conversations

If that makes sense

I don't feel young, I feel old, and can't imagine ever being in a position to start again and fall in love with someone else!

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