Is it unethical to try for DC3 when I don't see a future for me and DP?

[saintmary]

Just would be interested in your opinions (good and bad) My DP and I have been together for almost 10 years. DC1 is 3 and DC2 is 1. I know in my heart I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him but I am 34 this year and would love my DC to have another sibling. There is nothing seriously wrong with our relationship (no violence, abuse, financial issues etc) we're just very different people and don't get along brilliantly. He's not a great family man either and is currently on anti-depressants for stress & depression. Is it really selfish of me to be even considering DC3?

(BTW I absolutely love being a mum and adore my DC, I am just saddened he's not the family man I expected him to be)

You never know what's in the future saint mary but if you feel old now -you might feel a lot older as the single mum of three kids!

Thanks Scrumplet - your post has really made me think..

I think deep down I know it's selfishness (on my part) and I am hoping the perfect family vision I have will materialise if I keep slogging away at it..

And that DP will find things easier when DC are a little older perhaps

There are no happy perfectionists, saintmary. I have learned this personally, and am trying to steer DS away from the pitfalls of emerging perfectionism. Good enough is good enough, if that makes any sense. Aspire to 'good enough'. Sticking at two kids for now, whether working on your relationship with your DH or respectfully separating, may be the 'good enough' option for you.

(And anyway, what's so imperfect about a two-child family? How might you have handled it if you'd found out that you were unable to have one, let alone all three, of the children you wanted?)

Also, have you wondered how your hypothetical third child might feel if she were to find out some day that she was conceived with your knowing you and her dad wouldn't be together? Maybe she'd be cool with it, but I'm not so sure.

Count your blessings if you can.

Happy to have helped. Hope you find peace with this soon.

I'm with ninah...as long as you have really thought through all the implications.

Yes, totally unethical.

But I can see why you are asking.

I had a strong sense someone was missing from our family before I had DC3. It felt like more than biology, as if she was waiting to come along. I would never be without her. She is the most wonderful little baby and there is something magical about the way she has transformed our family. My other DC (4, 6) adore her and every day our lives are better because she's in it.

This is SO hard for you.

I understand why you want to do it - pragmatically, all the children will be full siblings, you don't feel you have time or inclination to find someone else and trust them well enough to have a child immediately with them...it makes sense on those issues.

However only you know him and the relationship well enough to judge how it could work.

Becoming pregnant let alone having another child together CHANGES things - really, it's like diving off a cliff. You don't know how it will change any aspect of anything.

You'd be taking a big risk really. The situation now might seem capable of supporting this plan, but the instant you fall pregnant the situation isn't the same any longer.

Does that make sense? A whole new person will alter the whole story. You're trying to write your story as though the plot won't be affected by the next chapter.

Isn't the person who needs the support and shoring up here your DP? He's struggling with depression, which is a shit thing to have to do, and he's only really just started his meds which take a while to settle down. But clearly the fact that he is taking meds suggests that he recognises the problem. Depression robs you of so much of your personality and frankly if you are depressed, someone could tell you you that the house is burning down and you'd still not move (or at least not very fast).

It's really tough being the partner of someone who suffers from depression, I know that. I also know what it's like to be on the other side of the fence. You'll have to do what you want to do (and of course you will) but I think I'd put the perfect sibling whatnot on the side for the moment.

I think parents underestimate the impact that separation/divorce has on their DCs and IMO it would be unfair to inflict that knowingly on another child.

Interesting choice of user name.

Whatever your reasons for why you want another baby I am sorry but imo, fwiw, it is wrong.

You are having a baby knowing you will be leaving your partner and I feel that your partner is being tricked.

Dont do it, be grateful for the DCs you already have and if you dont love him, then get out of the situation and start again. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Looking at this on a slightly more positive side, he's been on A-D's only six weeks and you're already noticing a difference in him. Sure he's not happy and smiley every day but there are already a few rays of sunshine through the clouds. I'd say that is a very encouraging sign. Maybe leave any life-changing decisions for a while and see where things go from here? Coming out of depression is very much a "two steps forward, one step back" thing though. Don't expect him to be back to the person he was overnight.

Also, this episode doesn't mean he'll necessarily have to be on A-Ds forever, either. Often it's enough for the A-Ds to help bring someone out of their depression and, once their head's cleared somewhat, they'll be better able to cope with life afterwards without needing the meds.

As well as the A-Ds, is he going to be getting counselling to help him get better?

Hi SM - glad to hear that your DH is responding to his meds.

I agree with many of the posters that from what you've said, now probably isn't a great time to continue building your family. Some time spent stabilising your family now could leave you all stronger and better able to enjoy another baby. I also sincerely hope that 34 isn't too old as I'd like a sibling for my DS and I'm 34...

Just a question though, are YOU getting enough support? You have two young children and a partner who has been ill - apparently for some time. It is okay for you to ask for help and get it - whether that is practical, medical or emotional.

Hope this all works out for you - whatever you decide.

I've been reflecting on all these replies - thank you for taking time to respond.

I've actually managed to get DP to open up to me (it's rare!) and the last few evenings I've felt much closer to him.

We've talked about a DC3, and about getting married (it's always been a contentious issue, hence it's a subject we both avoid).

We've both admitted we have reservations and difficulties with the relationship, but for the first time it feels like they're actually vocalised. Although I'm not quite sure what to do next now the issues are 'out there'

Anyway, everything's on hold until he's finished his anti-d's, 6 months I think they recommend, and we'll see how we both feel.

It's certainly helped make me feel closer to him, at least, and leaving him doesn't feel like a foregone conclusion anymore.

Not quite sure why I'm pouring my heart out on Mumsnet.. but if anyone is reading this I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to reply!

PS nickname refers to a geographical location, and is not a reflection of my divinity.. (obviously

That sounds really positive saintmary. I'm glad you've had the chance to air things a little. Waiting 6 months sounds like a good idea to give both of you a chance to explore your feelings further.

I wouldn't. Speaking as someone who was concieved AFTER her parents started divorce proceedings, i'd say its very unfair on a child. They will know, and its not good. Trust me.