Am I giving more than I'm getting?

[bambaloniyoni]

I have a lovely DP and we're planning a future together but right now it's really hard. He lives 4 hours away, works most weekends at the moment or he'll lose his job and is desperately short of cash (he's had to spend a lot on his kids recently and isn't great at managing his money, something I'm aware of). We're hoping that within the next year or two, he'll move to my area.

It means that right now his visits to me are very infrequent and if we want to spend time together, I have to make the journey because I have the time and money. If we want to go and stay anywhere too, I have to foot the bill. I'm solvent and good with money so I can afford it if I'm sensible and he's very generous himself when he has money and I know he feels really bad about not being able to contribute right now.

Friends and family are telling me I'm giving more than I'm getting and should cut right down on my visits. I love being with him and would be unhappy hardly ever seeing him but can't help but be influenced by others. Any thoughts?

Hmm. Does he live with his children? How did you get together if he lives so far away?

Is he divorced? (and are you sure he is?)

sorry to ask more q's. It sounds a painful situation. Oh and also, have you got children which make it hard for you to consider moving nearer him?

He's just not that into you by what you've said.

Don't let others influence you if you love him.

If he ditched you today, how ould you feel?

That should help you see where you are at.

Yes, he livs with his son of 17. We met online and he's been divorced 12 years, have met his ex. Trust him totally, no issues there.

I have DD of 7 and can't move and he's happy to move when his son has made decisions about college etc. He comes from my area and has other family here so would love to relocate when the time is right.

I'd be gutted if it finished, I love him more than any man I've ever met and it feels like I've met my soulmate. Swedes, why do you get that impression? It's all to do with circumstances outside his control surely?

It's only money and you can afford it. It's up to you how you spend it.

Only you can decide whether you feel this relationship is worth whatever you do put into it. And just because he cannot equal your financial input, doesn't mean that he's not putting anything else in. You must be gaining from the relationship in some way or you wouldn't still be in it. Do not equate money with happiness. There are other things in life which are far more important. It sounds to me like your friends and family are only looking at the pound signs.

I can see why those close to you are worried, but only you know what the real dynamic is within your relationship.

If you are happy, your son is happy and you aren't spending money you can't afford on this guy or being asked to sub him except for trips to take together then I really can't see a problem.
Spin it the other way - you are working all the hours god sends to try and hang onto your job, you can't move now because of the timing around your sons education. Lots of expenses arrive at once and you find yourself short. Your partner doesn't bat an eyelid, comes to see you as often as ever and never makes you feel bad for the fact that he's financing your time together for the time being.
Everyone on here would say - he sounds fab and of course you shouldn't feel bad for contributing less financially as long as you are investing emotionally.

I agree with Ali. I'd also turn it around and say imagine you were a man and he was the women - it's unlikely that your family or friends would think it strange that you are "giving" so much more than he (she) is.

Because you're a woman, family and friends still worry that if you're paying the bulk of costs, you're being taken for a ride. I know my parents thought this when I got together with DH and are completely over it now, but at the time were worried.

As long as he is giving in other ways, that's what's important - when you are there, is he loving, considerate and attentive? Do you feel he is there for you and that while he might not be able to physically drive to see you he will listen when you call with a problem? Do you have fun together and when he has to choose between having fun with you and having fun with his friends, does he choose you an acceptable amount of the time?

As for the finances, as long as he's not sitting back and taking your money while happily spending a fortune on planning a six month world trip for himself, I think it's fine.

I'd never thought of looking at it the other way Alibaba, and it's very helpful. I suppose the issue others have about it is largely based on the fact that as the woman in the relationship, I'm doing the "running" at the moment, in terms of practicalities.

Just cross-posted Bling - my view I think! He is always there for me and is great when I call - he drops everything. He'd rather be with me than anyone else (apart from his kids!) and treats me very well when we're together.

In that case, ignore your family and friends and tell them you're being sexist. It's not like you're hadnging over wads of cash to him - you're spending your money to see him. No biggie.

I understand why family and friends take this view but it irritates me intensely.

Ignore everyone else!
I am in your DP's position, I have 2 young DC and a very unhelpful XH, no spare cash and no one to look after DC!
My DP lives miles away and works away - but every time he is off he makes the effort to come and see me, stays in a hotel, pays for everything, I adore him and am pretty sure he feels the same way, we have discussed things and he just says it is easier for him to come to me at the moment and he has the money and time to do so!
I would be absolutely gutted if his family and friends were saying that I was taking more than I am giving - I am doing everything is possible for me and I am very much into him !
It makes no odds that you are the female in this scenario, or at least it shouldnt!!

Most encouraging macdoodle and glad you're so happy. How often do you see DP? Are you making plans yet as to when you might move closer together?

He worsk away 2 weeks on 2 off He usually then pops home to see his mates and check his house (he has no DC) then comes to see me for just under a week - so once a month roughly
It is a bit of a military operation for me to go to him, have done so once and will do to go to a wedding with him next month
We have been together 6 months or so seriously and a good few months before that some fairly intense online/phone chatting - he is an old friend who I reconeected with on FB - we have tentively discussed the moving thing but is early days and my lunatic XH makes things complicated - I guess it would be "easier" for him to move to me, but I havent completely ruled out going there though much harder disrupting 2 young children - these things are never easy but if you both want it to work and you are both happy then I firmly believe it is possible

Good luck to you macdoodle, you sound good together despite the miles. What about contact when you're not together? I find a daily phone call absolutely essential and if I can't get hold of him, it makes me quite sad

It sounds Ok..ish...but

You said 'he isn't great at managing his money'...what's that about?

I would hate to think you were subconsciously being used as a parent figure by someone who has debt/ spending issues. You could be seen to be enabling and it could all go very much tits up.

I've seen it on here a lot - woman leaving partner who has actually borrowed loads of money from her, she's paid for everything, he won't pay it back...you know what to look out for.

Remember he's not a child. money issues are usually something like passive aggression - people can and do use them as excuses and in order to put themselves in a position where someone else is looking after them.

I didn't mean to be harsh. But from your OP it sounds as though you think that too.

Your friends and family surely have your best interests at heart? And they can only go on what they see or what you tell them.

Yes, I'm being careful, he is in a bit of debt and I could lend him the money but there's absolutey no way I would. I'm not going to spend money on anything other than going to see him once a month and when we're staying at his house, will expect him to pay for everything. I had thought of booking us a summer holiday but have decided against that too. I'll go away with friends/DD instead.

I would very much like to be with a better-off partner, especially as my ex-H was a house-husband and I had to support the family, but for now I think on the whole spending my money in this way is worth it as I see it as an investment in our future. I would hope my eyes are wide open though, to anything that might suggest that it might go on being so one-sided indefinitely.

I think you're wise not to bail him out of his debt. How is he when you discuss it?

In terms of the future, what is the plan? Does he have property that he will sell to move to be near you? Will he move in with you?

I stand by what I said earlier, if you are happy and he's not taking the piss in other areas then I don't think you are being taken for a ride, but in your situation I would want some concrete indicators of what will happen in the future.

Be careful in general about committing yourself to someone who is bad with money. Even if he is useless rather than selfish and calculating, you could still run into major problems in future (living with him messes up your credit rating, sooner or later he wants to borrow more than you can afford to lend him...)

I don't think he intends you any harm from what you say, but I do think you are rather stepping into the role of provider and caretaker and perhaps if this is a role you've adopted before, as you state with your ex husband, it might be that you want to have a little counselling or perhaps some reading about your motivations in relationships.

When you and you husband split, did finance have a role? (don't have to answer if I'm being intrusive - but the fact you - and your family/friends - mention money leads me to think it could be an issue here)

For instance some people consider money tips the balance in a relationship, therefore you could be using it as an 'insurance' to make sure you stay in control of things...something like that. I may be way off!

In other words...he's not hoodwinking you, but you might be letting yourself in for being taking for granted, or similar. As a pay off for some other aspect you need to be there.

iyswim...

no one would be saying any of this if it was a man posting. Why is it that we always assume the worst of men in these situations? Bamba, correct me if I'm wrong, but while you wouldn't consider lending him money, he hasn't asked for it either? it's not like you're strongly resisting pressure from him or anything?

Enjoy the relationship. Enjoy the fact that you are economically stable and you aren't dependent on him to buy you dinner.

I think I would actually Bling. And there are a LOT of people who don't like the idea of single mothers dating solvent men as they think the woman is just using the man.

It's just something I'd say about anyone in an inequitable relationship - look at why you are OK about it not being equal.

I would never expect the bloke to pay for anything...let alone everything. It's feel wrong and I'd wonder what he was hoping to get out of it.

I mean if I was dating a bloke, I wouldn't expect bla bla bla...

I understood you!

I hope you're right. IIRC he hasn't asked for anything or tried to get her to give him money/pay for him. It's just that at this point he doesn't have the money to pay for him to visit her or whatever.

I do not believe that a relationship has to be equal in all areas. As long as overall it is equal and that both partners respect and appreciate what is brought in by the other one.

I mostly support DH and I financially. But he takes the lead on other things, including household chores/maintenance and family relationships.