Am I giving more than I'm getting?

[bambaloniyoni]

I have a lovely DP and we're planning a future together but right now it's really hard. He lives 4 hours away, works most weekends at the moment or he'll lose his job and is desperately short of cash (he's had to spend a lot on his kids recently and isn't great at managing his money, something I'm aware of). We're hoping that within the next year or two, he'll move to my area.

It means that right now his visits to me are very infrequent and if we want to spend time together, I have to make the journey because I have the time and money. If we want to go and stay anywhere too, I have to foot the bill. I'm solvent and good with money so I can afford it if I'm sensible and he's very generous himself when he has money and I know he feels really bad about not being able to contribute right now.

Friends and family are telling me I'm giving more than I'm getting and should cut right down on my visits. I love being with him and would be unhappy hardly ever seeing him but can't help but be influenced by others. Any thoughts?

Yes, the economics of relationships are a minefield aren't they! No, he's never asked to borrow money and never would. He admits he's "daft" with money - last week we were in a shop and I saw these lovely spoons (I have a spoon fetish) and I just looked at them and sighed because I couldn't afford them.

Next thing I know he's giving me a package outside the shop - he's only gone and bought me 6 of them! I told him it was very lovely of him but that in his current situation, he should be saving his cash. I'm not intending to get financially involved with him for a long time, and would never ever sell my house.

FA - do you think the relationship unequal then? I know he really loves me and wants a future with me. And maybe I am quite controlling in a lot of ways and money gives me that control. I think it might make me feel a bit uncomfortable if a man was always paying for things, even though I say I'd like it. My dad was very tight despite being reasonably well-paid and we never got anything from him. Maybe that's why I chose my ex and now this one....

Hi Bling - good your situation works for you. I was actually thinking of asking DP if he could do some maintenance round the house for me - he's a carpenter and my home is full of wood so that would be a way of him contributing.

Bamba - my dh was like that when I met him. But I am pleased to say that as our relationship developed, he really "grew up" and has learnt the value of money a lot better now (he came from money, had plenty of money in his early 20s so was well into his 30s before money was an issue so he had never learnt the value of thinking about money).