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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Handling stupid crush on married bloke

26 replies

nonfecklessperson · 23/04/2009 18:31

I don't want to make anything out of it, neither do I think it is acceptable or O.K. in any way.

What I'm asking is what you do, if you suddenly find yourself thinking about a bloke a bit too much.

Can you talk yourself out of it? Maybe distraction would work, I don't know. I'm not interested in affairs, hate them, don't want to overstep the mark. I like talking to him. Can I just be friends with him?

Sorry am obviously not very good at this stuff. I am a regular poster btw.

Thanks for any salutary advice.

OP posts:

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 23/04/2009 18:33

if you are a relationship yourself you turn all the attention you can on to that one

if you're not, sorry it's so hard

Original poster

nonfecklessperson · 23/04/2009 18:36

No I'm not in one, he is though

Thanks for being kind - I know I'm being a fool for letting myself think about him at all. Not sure why it's happening, he's not even all that nice - think I am just in a low patch really.

Needless to say I shan't make it known and hope it passes - I'm sure it will.

This thread is supposed to stop me dwelling on it iyswim - needed to write it down so it was real and as stupid as it looks. Otherwise it might gain some sort of compelling thing.

OP posts:

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 23/04/2009 18:47

if you are in a low patch (and he's not that great) then switch the focus on to yourself, doing nice things for you, really taking care of yourself

Overmydeadbody · 23/04/2009 18:48

The best thing to do is to try not to think about it or him at all. Easier said than done I know. I sympathise.

Lulumama · 23/04/2009 18:49

i would imagine his wife and childrens' faces when they find out daddy was getting it on with someone else. that should snap you out of it

are you in a relationshiop? if so,is it lacking, do you feel unloved and therefore looking for some exciting?

Original poster

nonfecklessperson · 23/04/2009 18:53

Laurie thanks and OMDB also, I will try and focus on my children and sorting out myself a bit.

Lulu yes I understand what you are saying but I'm not even considering some kind of affair, I hate them and won't contemplate it.

The only way I would ever end up with someone like this is if they were already separated and had been for some time.

I would not want to make anyone unhappy and can't imagine it going anywhere in that direction. If he wanted something like that to happen it would put me off anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

nonfecklessperson · 23/04/2009 18:54

No I'm not with anyone at all and yes am feeling unloved...which is no excuse but my mind is just wandering a bit. I'll stop it, don't worry, thankyou.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 23/04/2009 19:09

no, i realised that from your OP, but it would be a short, sharp shock to think ofit and that should help stop you in your crush.

make some time to do something nice,pamper yourself, go out with friends if you can...have some fun

HappyWoman · 24/04/2009 07:03

So imagine how awful you would think him if he did get it on with you.

However it is ok to fantasize a bit as long as you know that is all it is.

Original poster

nonfecklessperson · 24/04/2009 07:18

Thankyou

Yes there is no way I'd accept any physical involvement, however emotionally it is not altogether clear.

I would be happy to have a close friendship, but if I am already feeling attracted to him and especially if he is feeling similarly (as I suspect he is) that means it could become an 'emotional affair' which his wife would certainly be unhappy about.

Would offering emotional support to him, and meeting him to just talk about whatever, be very wrong?

I'm absolutely determined that nothing must happen physically or romantically. But I am lonely and I think he is too.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 24/04/2009 07:20

it would be wrong for two lonely people, who fancy each other, to meet up as there is a greater risk of something happening, especially if you get further emotionally entwined

AnyFucker · 24/04/2009 07:21

yes, wrong

you know it is

do not contemplate replacing his wife for emotional support

read any thread on here, where it all turns horribly wrong

stay well away from him, people who play with fire get burnt

Original poster

nonfecklessperson · 24/04/2009 07:21

Btw so far I have just tried to look at it from his wife's POV and 'side' with her when he moans about stuff. I don't really want to get involved in dciding who is right and who is wrong, even if it were that simple.

'Emotional support' isn't the right phrase as all I really mean is talking about things, much as I would with a female friend. Although with my female friends I am always more inclined to say 'Blimey, your husband is wrong, you are right, of course'.

I wouldn't want to do this with a bloke as I'd feel I was betraying his wife.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/04/2009 07:24

wrong and naive

if you didn't fancy him, it would be ok

males and females can be friends, of course

but you have admitted that you (and him?) feel more than that

what the hell is in it for you, to listen to him complain about his wife

he sounds horrible actually

Original poster

nonfecklessperson · 24/04/2009 07:24

Yes sorry cross posted. I do know it's wrong.

It's so disappointing of course as he is a convenient displacement activity for my brain

However it probably is dangerous.

Ok I'll keep away and just be thankful it never got any further...I do know, I'm just struggling to think about what I ought to be thinking about and this is so much more innteresting/ easy to deal with. in my head it is anyway.

Thanks for being direct, I need it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/04/2009 07:27

good girl

Original poster

nonfecklessperson · 24/04/2009 07:27

Yes he does sound a bit horrible. Which means it's weird that I feel attracted to him.

I must have a short circuit in my brain somewhere. God knows I have dated enough eejits to know it isn't sensible

OP posts:

junglist1 · 24/04/2009 10:15

It's a bit worrying that he's complaining about his wife to you. I'd distance myself from him, you have good intentions now but he seems to be edging closer emotionally, which is very dangerous. Yes it will be hard for you, but at least your morals will be kept intact.

ginnny · 24/04/2009 10:20

You know not to go there don't you.
IMO you shouldn't even be friends with this man. How do you think his wife would feel to know that he is discussing their marriage with you?
I do know how hard it is. I have been in this situation too, but you just have to hang on to your common sense and avoid him.
Just read through the threads on here from women who have been cheated on. That should be enough to put you off!

dittany · 24/04/2009 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ginnny · 24/04/2009 10:56

read this

DotNoodle · 24/04/2009 11:00

I know exactly how you feel OP. It's horrible isn't it?

I can't really eloborate further but you can't help who you fall for and I don't think some people realise how heartbreaking it can be to have strong feelings for someone you know you can never have.

I feel for you and hope things work out.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/04/2009 11:02

I feel for you, it's a horrid situation to be in.

However he sounds like a bit of a lowlife, and how can one of those be fanciable once you actually start to think of them that way?

I'm not being patronising but can you take up a new hobbie or revive an old one, to give you something to focus on instead.

poshsinglemum · 24/04/2009 11:05

I had a crush on an engaged man once. I snapped myself out of it by thinking that if anything did happen between us he would be a bastard for cheating. If he was capable of doing it to his girl, he would be capable of doing it to anyone. She was also lovely. He was a bit of a bastard and used to flirt dreadfully with all the girls. That also put me off.

Original poster

nonfecklessperson · 24/04/2009 11:10

Yes it's not attractive at all. I have been thinking and reckon somehow it might be (twistedly) the reason he seems interesting to me - because I always wished my father would 'rebel' against my controlling mother who didn't like us spending time together, and stand up to her so we could have a relationship, therefore a man who would diss his wife (my 'mother' I suppose) in favour of spending time with me kind of taps into an early subconscious thing I think. Which is really horrible isn't it.

Being aware of this is definitely going to help me stay away. I do know his wife, by the way - well, I have met her a few times. We are none of us particularly close friends at the moment and probably won't be, considering the thoughts/feelings it is tripping off for me.

This morning I saw him but didn't approach him. I'm trying to keep busy.

Thanks for the link Ginnny. I already read that one plus plenty of others. I wouldn't have an affair, I'm too unexcitable these days to get off on something like that - though a close friendship is a bit different and obviously if someone was single it'd be ok.

I don't know enough about their relationship to comment on how she would feel but obviously they are together which is enough to know I need to keep a distance.

OP posts:

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