Please help - it's all crashing down and DP has no idea

[sparkybint]

Is anyone up? I just need to know I'm not going mad. My lovely DD is sleeping in my bed, first day back at school tomorrow, I don't want her to know what a mess I'm in.

I can't be strong anymore or cope anymore. I've left a message on the work voicemail to say I won't be in and when I speak to my boss in the morning I'm going to tell her why. That I can't think straight or deal with the pressure of life and I need looking after.I'll lose my job and then my house and won't be able to support DD. Her dad (my ex) will have his dream and she can go live with him. Two years ago he left me, after I found out that he'd fathered another child while our DD was in the womb. And then he proceeded to bring that child into our lives, not owning up to the fact that he was her dad until 6 years later. But everyone knew apart from sweet trusting old muggins here. I thought I'd dealt with all of that, but really I'm hurt beyond belief but feel I should be over it. Everyone thought I was so strong when I found out but I've been crying inside ever since I knew. The other day my DP asked me what the happiest time of my life was and I said when I gave birth to DD. And then he said, but you didn't know that another woman would give birth to your husband's child a few months later.

And my ex never worked and I supported us all. Now he's found another woman to support him and he's having another baby next month, yet another girl, who can worship him.

I can't be with the man I love because he lives 250 miles away and can't leave his kids. I can't leave mine to be with him and I wouldn't take her there because she'd be away from her adored dad. It's tearing us apart and I fear he's about to give up because he wants someone to be with properly and can't see when we'll be able to. I love him with all my heart but I feel he's only ever seen the strong coping side of me, the independent woman who can manage on her own when all I really want is to be looked after and to look after someone. Something I've never had. I want to go to him but I can't. Everyone would think I was a terrible mother if I did but I'm not good being away from him and feel a terrible mother anyway.

I don't know how I'm going to feel when daylight comes and I worry that I will lose everything - my DD, my job, the understanding of my friends and family and last but not least my lovely DP, the man who I thought was my rock. I've been under the doctor (!) for months and am on anti-ds and have had counselling. Nothing seems to work. I just want to curl up in my bed and hide. I want my man to hold me and tell me it's going to be alright. I want to tell him what is really going on with me but I'm terrified he won't understand. I love my parents and they're a great support but they tell me I have to be strong for DD. They've been together for 50 years and neither of them know how terrible it is to want someone who can love you and be there. I'm sorry this is so very long.

didn't want to read without saying something - it sounds very complicated.
But, from a completely objective point of view, I would take my DC and go and be with the man I love.
Your ex may be your DD's "adored dad" but YOU are her no doubt "adored" mum, who has been working hard to support her and bring her up, and surely she would want you to be happy. How old is she? She can still see her dad, surely? Why would you be a terrible mother? You are a woman as well as a mother, you know.
If your partner loves you, he will understand - you should tell him, you shouldn't have to keep all this to yourself.
sorry, not much advice.
take care

You sound so low - but you also sound like a wonderful mum and your dd will know that. You may be having a bit of a crisis but really i am sure others will see this.
People have said how strong you are because inside they know they could not have coped with what you have. Tell them and i am sure you will be surprised by all the support you will get.

Let go of something - you want others to look after you - dont be afraid to ask for it. It is not weakness it is strength to say when you need help.

Hope that is of some help - and i am sure others will be along soon.

Thank you so much both of you, your words and understanding have helped so much. Rose, that is what I want to do, take her and be with the man I love because that's the only way I know I'll be truly happy. But I worry so much that I'd be putting myself before my child. She would see her dad, every other weekend at least and more if he wanted - he would just have to make a bit of a journey.

I just want to let go and finally ask for what I need. I have always been so very scared to do that.

God bless and thanks.

Sounds like you are trying to keep everyone happy except yourself. Your ex got another woman pregnant and left, and you're worrying about him having a bit of a drive to see his DD?

I'm sure your DD will cope with the change, if it really doesn't work out you can always reconsider, can't you? If you are so miserable where you are, move. And it isn't a crime to think of your happiness

oh, sparky.

you need to be happy in order to bring your little girl up. take today off, have a little time out to be kind to yourself. don't think of all of the tiny details right now, concentrate on the positives.

if it were me in your situation, i would be on the phone to my man, and telling him everything, and looking to make a move to be closer to him.

sometimes we need to ask for what we need...lots of us girls put on the face, appear to all that we're coping, but crumbling inside...its not a bad thing to let people in to see how things really are...it may help kick start your healing process....

i hope today gets better for you, and that you get your happy ending.
xx

You're all so lovely and have made me realise that maybe I'm not being selfish. I just tried to phone my man but it went to voicemail and I'm scared. We had a long heavy discussion last night and I don't really know what he's thinking.

But I know I must tell him I want to be with him and if that's not what he really wants, then at least I'll know. It will be heartbreaking though. I have never doubted his love for me but this will be the test. I must survive no matter what happens.

Sparky you have taken one small step to putting yourself first, and it sounds as though the time really has come to do that or your DD will lose her mother; you have actually taken a day off work!

I understand the panic you might feel but your mind is racing way, way ahead of itself in that panic: you are imagining yourself with no job, no house and no DD. Try to see it this way: you have taken a foot on the road to deciding what can make YOUR life happy and a happy mummy makes for a happy child.

As someone else has said - you do not owe your ex anything now. He can make the drive. Children are adaptable so long as they know they are loved and your DD sounds very very loved.

I hope the man you talk of isn't giving you ultimatums - do not act now on an ultimatum. Maybe give yourself one in a kind way, instead. This has to be about you now or you will end up very ill dear heart. And i don't think it would be your ex's 'dream' to have his daughter - he sounds like an utterly selfish, weak, deceitful wanker and men like that do not put other people first ever. Certainly not their children. He has thought only of himself and will continue to do so forever. Try to remember that. Your DD will see that too one day.

Can you rent out your property and have a trial go at living near or with your man? 250 miles isn't so far away really - thank goodness he is so close in fact and not in Botswana or the Hebrides.

Spend today perhaps thinking practically about how you can do just this one thing: how to move yourself and your DD closer to him. And tell him. I agree with Happy Woman that friends will probably support you as they know inside they would never have coped and tell you that you are strong because that is just What People Say. You have been strong. You have proved your srength. You can now start using that herculean quality to your OWN advantage and make tracks to getting some sunshine, light and happiness into your life.

Selfish? Pah! The person who has been utterly selfish is your ex. And how dare he make such childish comments - bragging about the other pregnancy in effect - hurting you again in the process. Twunt.

Does your daughter know the man who lives away? have they met and does she like him? If so then even more reason to move. And fast. She might have a new family (step siblings and a more permanent father figure to support her) waiting for her there.

If it doesn't work out at least you will know you tried, and by then you will have put time and distance between the misery of your life now and the fresh perspectives of your life then!

Hugs x

You are definitely not being selfish, a happy mummy equals a happy dd, everyone has that right to be happy, good luck. Hugs x

Unlikely, what a lovely post. My DD does know my DP, we've just spent the week with him and they get on famously. Renting out my place is a great idea, that way I have the security of coming back if it doesn't work out.

What I'm scared of now is how DP will react - although he says how much he wants us to be together, I can't help but wonder what he'll do now that I've said I'm trying to find a way to be with him. But at least, if he doesn't ultimately want it, I have faced up to the fact of what hurt my ex has caused me. I love DD so much, she's all ready for school, the first day in summer uniform. God she looks like me when I was that age - full of hope, eyes lit up from inside.

I just hope and pray that DP wants me as much as he says he does. I don't know how I'll cope if this one goes wrong as well You are all so lovely, thanks for your support.

You sound low on confidence and that's not bloody surprising after the body blow yur stupid ex gave to you all those years ago. That is something huge to recover from. But your time has come.

You sound again though, as if you think your happiness is all down to the new man and what he wants. I know he is all-important in the equation but do remember that you and your DD count for everything here, as it is your life and your future you are now beginning to alter. He should be thinking 'God I hope she loves me as much as she says and that I can be the man she deserves if she makes such a brave decision to uproot.'

If you make the decision to move nearer than him (assuming that he says that is what he wants when you talk) then your thinking and belief inside needs to be that you are doing it for yourself and your daughter. Not for him. If he is really as lovely and caring as the kind of person you sound like you deserve, then you two could well come good in the end.

If he turns round and says he actually has second thoughts and doesn't want you to move then you have your answer. This still doesn't mean you have to stay put. You could the changes in new ways. He wouldn't have been worth the angst you are causing yourself. But one step t a time: talk to him, tell him you wish to move because YOU want to...it is for you, not for him. Don't put the onus on him - that could bring recriminations later if things go belly up.

Sorry if I'm rambling a bit on this. Hope you get my drift.

Your daughter's shining eyes are a testimony to do the good job you are doing as her mother.

Just got back from the school run, thanks for your lovely post. You are right, I should be doing this for myself and DD, not just him. And if he does get cold feet, then better to know now than waste any more precious time.
Am very scared but hopeful also, that I might be breaking free from the chains of the past.
Thank you.

I'm thinking of driving to see my DP today so we can talk. It would be a surprise for him - a nice one I hope! It's nearly four hours but worth it, I do so need to know how he feels about this big decision and it's so hard over the phone.

Do you think this is wise? What if the outcome isn't what I want and I end up being upset miles from home?

I would tell him that you want to drive and see him. It might genuinely not be convenient or something which would be pretty crap for you; and personally, I don't like those sort of surprises...but I have had some pretty shitty 'surprises' in my time But you know him better than I do obviously!

Can you call him, ask him to meet you half way to discuss things? At a nice pub 120 miles away (look on internet for one?) and have lunch?

And if he can't today can he suggest another day this week when it's ok? Take it slowly girl...think clearly and do not panic. You can always take another day off...you could go to your GP and ask to be signed off for a week. It's not a crime you know! xx

I have to go to work now but will look in on this later this afternoon. take deep breaths. Don't be panicked into anything. Be kind to yourself today. This is a whole new way of thinking for you. For YOU and your DD not for anyne else.

You're a rock, thank you x

Well if it all goes pear shaped miles from home then you will get your self home and look after YOURSELF and your daughter for a while, and then you will recover and you will start living your life for YOU and not for how you think anyone else thinks you should live it.

I had a similar scenario two years ago. It did go pear shaped miles from home. I got myself home, and recovered.

You will survive, whatever happens, but at least if you have a bash at it you will know that you tried. The only things i have ever regretted in my life are the things I haven't done. I have never regretted anything I have tried.

Two years down the line from my nightmare i am happy, relaxed, sorting my demons.

UA is right though....always keep your escape route in mind...your house etc. Its much harder to come back financially then emotionally from relationship hiccoughs!

Good Luck to you!

Wow, what an inspirational post GGAG (sorry!).
That is what's in my mind, at least giving it a go and if it doesn't work out I can come back. I don't want to sell my house and it will hopefully bring in a nice little income.
I want to be as far away from ex as possible but not upset my DD - difficult I know (she is 9).

Do you have DC? Do you mind me asking what happened? I am glad you're so happy now, are you with anyone new? The one thing that really concerns me (apart from DP saying he doesn't want me to move but that would be a blessing in disguise I suppose) is schools. DD loves her school and friends and the area we'd be moving to is a lot less affluent (not being a snob)and I'd worry how she'd fit in. I'm trying to tell myself that it can be overcome if it means happiness all round.

at 9 you are your daughters life, not her friends (though in 5 years that may be different) could you invite friends every other weekend until she made new friendships?
we moved from Germany, private school, to state in Surrey and DD was happier than ever.
sounds like you have got a good chance to move on here, so take it (but dont let it all crumble, start making plans properly)
you sound like an exceptional mum, all the best to you, and keep us posted.

Thanks Motherlove, how interesting that you moved from Germany to here. My mum is German, are you? The bridge I have to cross now is speaking to DP tonight to find out what he's thinking. If he is really pleased that I want to move then I'll know what to do, if I sense any hesitation, it will also signal to me that the relationship is not what I thought it was and I have to stand on my own two feet again.

SB, it sounds like you are now in a win-win situation instead of a lose-lose one. I feel you are doing the right thing by considering what you want as well, and it seems like you are approaching it in exactly the right way. Good luck tonight, all you can do is talk to him and sound him out, then depending on the response take things from there. I'm sure whatever happens you and your DD will be fine - you sound like an amazing mum

I have children. I have no partner since. I am much happier without a partner to be honest. All that trying to please kids and partner is just too much. I have done that for all my life and am just not doing it any more.

The kids are happier, and I am much more relaxed. i do what i want to do, and what the kids want to do, and that's very fulfilling.

My ex partner was a psychopath however, so there was actually no pleasing him at all!!!!

I can't really go into what actually happened, but it nearly killed me. But here i am , two years down the line and just signing on for French classes and working hard, having been through homelessnes and depression and everything else.

Two years ago I couldn't get myself off the sofa. I am just not that person any more.

And I would never get myself into that position any more. That's what's important.

Look after yourself and your daughter. If a partner enhances your life then go for it. If not , and it just makes everything so much harder and more complicated then don't.

Whatever happens you will survive.

xxxxx

What strength and hope you've given me! The funny thing was, that a year on from my divorce and before I met DP I really was content on my own. I didn't think I needed a partner. Then I met him and totally changed my mind.

But I know I can get back to being happy on my own if this doesn't work. And part of the reason is that there are SO many lovely women out there (both online and offline!) to share love and kindness with. And men, maybe...

And thanks for calling me an amazing mum vicky, I don't feel I deliver so much of the time but I try my best. Part of that is to do with the fact that her dad monopolised her from birth and I had to be the breadwinner. He even told me how to breast-feed...

ha ha. yes he must have known all about breast-feeding

I too have a child - a 17 month old son. My h vanished nearly a year ago. Vanished with all our lolly to find sex in another country. It is bloody amazing what the human spirit can achieve and how the mind and heart has the capacity for rejuvenation. I suppose it's why our species has survived. Thank the good lord for ADs though

My son is the sunshine in my life. He keeps me going and is a total joy. But I make time for myself now too. I think about my own mental health and happiness. We all have our bad moments when we remember the deep hurt we have been caused, but the like you I have great friends and a good support network to bouy me up and I ask for help when I need it now. I lean on people. I used never to do that.

Motherlove makes a very good point in saying that you are your daughter's life right now not her friends, no matter how much she enjoys their company or her school. So long as she feels safe and loved by you and you two have a jolly time and her mum is a happy mum for the most part, she will be ok.

Keep us posted on how it goes when you talk to dp and if he is hesitant or you don't get the vibe you want from him and feel down, post again and we will help.

You are a star, and thank you for sharing some of your story with me. What a hideous time that must have been and I'm so glad you have come through. Yes, I love my ADs too, without them I wouldn't be able to think straight.

I feel I've had a huge day today, it's as if I've felt all the fear in its full force and confronted it head on and it's beginning to dissipate. Before it always had such a hold on me, dictating almost my every move. Maybe now I can start acting from a healthy place inside me and try and be good to myself. A strange concept when all I've done in the past is beat myself up! I even texted my ex a few times today and ended up saying how very sorry I was for everything! Good God! I hope this feeling lasts, I'm sure it won't but at least I've felt it and know it can return.

I'm not looking forward to talking with DP now, isn't that strange? I almost want to remove myself from all the drama and complications and let it be. I know that later I won't be feeling that way and will so want to talk to him. For now I need to rest. And thank you all again. I'll come back later and let you know how our conversation went.

What are you saying sorry to ex for? Sorry for something you did? Why are you apologising to him? Am probably misreading your post through lack of information but I don't understand why you would need to say sorry.

Scared to talk to dp? Not strange really...maybe a small pinhead of light has come into your subconscious and is making you remember that you can create your own happiness for yourself and your little family without him or ex? A twang of excitement that you can be your own person again?

Scared in case he says No Don't Move Here?..scared in case he says OOoo yes do that!

Lots to be scared about. But scared can be galvanising and is so much better than the earlier feelings of wanting to lie down in a hole and give up. x