Is anyone up? I just need to know I'm not going mad. My lovely DD is sleeping in my bed, first day back at school tomorrow, I don't want her to know what a mess I'm in.
I can't be strong anymore or cope anymore. I've left a message on the work voicemail to say I won't be in and when I speak to my boss in the morning I'm going to tell her why. That I can't think straight or deal with the pressure of life and I need looking after.I'll lose my job and then my house and won't be able to support DD. Her dad (my ex) will have his dream and she can go live with him. Two years ago he left me, after I found out that he'd fathered another child while our DD was in the womb. And then he proceeded to bring that child into our lives, not owning up to the fact that he was her dad until 6 years later. But everyone knew apart from sweet trusting old muggins here. I thought I'd dealt with all of that, but really I'm hurt beyond belief but feel I should be over it. Everyone thought I was so strong when I found out but I've been crying inside ever since I knew. The other day my DP asked me what the happiest time of my life was and I said when I gave birth to DD. And then he said, but you didn't know that another woman would give birth to your husband's child a few months later.
And my ex never worked and I supported us all. Now he's found another woman to support him and he's having another baby next month, yet another girl, who can worship him.
I can't be with the man I love because he lives 250 miles away and can't leave his kids. I can't leave mine to be with him and I wouldn't take her there because she'd be away from her adored dad. It's tearing us apart and I fear he's about to give up because he wants someone to be with properly and can't see when we'll be able to. I love him with all my heart but I feel he's only ever seen the strong coping side of me, the independent woman who can manage on her own when all I really want is to be looked after and to look after someone. Something I've never had. I want to go to him but I can't. Everyone would think I was a terrible mother if I did but I'm not good being away from him and feel a terrible mother anyway.
I don't know how I'm going to feel when daylight comes and I worry that I will lose everything - my DD, my job, the understanding of my friends and family and last but not least my lovely DP, the man who I thought was my rock. I've been under the doctor (!) for months and am on anti-ds and have had counselling. Nothing seems to work. I just want to curl up in my bed and hide. I want my man to hold me and tell me it's going to be alright. I want to tell him what is really going on with me but I'm terrified he won't understand. I love my parents and they're a great support but they tell me I have to be strong for DD. They've been together for 50 years and neither of them know how terrible it is to want someone who can love you and be there. I'm sorry this is so very long.