Dont know if I'm paranoid or not (long, sorry)

[izzymom]

Okay, I'm going to start at the beginning but try not to waffle on to long.

Last October I got a bit concerned about the amount of time my DH was spending on facebook. Basically was on it 2-3 hours every night, and if I came into the room he would hide the screen. Eventually on my birthday I discovered my DH had been arranging a surprise party so thought that was the explanation.

A couple of weeks later, I went away for the half term holiday with my sister, her DC's, my DC's and my 2 DSS's. My DH could not get the time off work and was ok with stayin at home. When I got home my DH was a bit offish, which I put down to being a bit jealous of us having a good time without him etc. However, the strange behaviour carried on, he was picking fights, being very critical of me. He was also still spending a lot of time on internet.

I decided to try to find out what was up and gained access to his facebook and email account (I know, I know, total invasion of privacy, the wrong thing to do). I found that he was sending flirty, sexy messages to a woman we both know (she works at a creche my DC's go to couple of times a week), and that she had been round to her house for dinner while I was on holiday. So confronted DH, he denied any wrong doing, said they were just friends, and I went to stay at my mums. The same weekend I discovered I was pg with 3rd DC (unplanned and not a pleasant surprise TBH).

Basically the upshot in October was that I came home, he agreed not to contact her privately again and we did our best to make a go of things.

My DH was made redundant shortly after, and he decided to take a change of career direction. He decided he wanted to do a Childcare course, and took on a job managing a pub while he did this so that he could do placement in the morning. So since January, he has lived at pub, I stay at w'ends with DC's and DSC's, and he has been doing placement at the creche where this woman works (again, I can see this seems strange but it just fitted in easily with the hours, + he knows all the staff there).

So, he has had last 2 wks off placement as it is shut for Easter. Last Thursday I asked if he had heard from anyone at creche, as one of the girls who works there recently had baby and wondered how she was getting on. He said he had not heard from any of them. Over the weekend I borrowed DH mobile as I had run out of credit. While I was trying to make call a text came through from the woman he was messaging last October. Text asked if I was going home this week, and if he was free to meet Monday.

Basically, I went through his phone, and found text messages which confirm they had met 3 mornings last week at my DH pub (I was at home all week). Txts were quite flirty, calling each other 'babe' and ending with xx's. I confronted DH after pub closed last Saturday, he said she had been for coffee and that he had 'chosen not to tell me' as he knew I would create issues from it. I pointed out that he had actually lied as I had asked if he had spoken to her, but he insists did not lie, just chose not to tell me.

This week things have rumbled on between us, him saying I am paranoid and making something from nothing. Also says pg is making me behae like a 'freak'. Thursday nite I said to him that either he chooses to stop contacting this woman and does not meet with her again privately, or I do not want to be married to him any more. His answer is that he will not be dictated to who he is friends with so basically fine our marriage is over.

I have only spoken to him on phone since then except for brief face to face chat this morning when I dropped DSS's off to him. He just keeps repeating that I am trying to run his life, and that there's no wonder he likes spending time with other people cos all I do is nag, moan and cry. I am suffering from antenatal depression, my mw has referred me to psychiatrist and I'm waiting for apptmnt.

I am now beginning to question myself. Do I sound to others like I'm being paranoid? Am I being unreasonable in asking him not to see this woman ? Or am I just chickening out of standing by my decision because I'm scared of being single mum (DS is 3, DD 2 and am 33 wks pg)? Please can someone offer me advice,as I feel like my heads going to pop with going round and round in circles.

Ok, the husband is a complete jackass. That is not in dispute.

The OW is pretty stupid to get involved with him (a married man, a co-worker, and the parent of children at her creche). Again, no question about that.

But I can't really see how telling the creche manager is going to improve the situation. As the OP herself said, she doesn't have any evidence to present. I'm fairly certain a creche worker couldn't be fired based on a parent's suspicion of her being the OW. If the manager did get involved, the OW and the husband could just deny it was anything but a simple friendship, and the OP ends up looking both silly and paranoid (of course WE all know better). Just because the OW and the H are behaving like prize idiots outside of work doesn't necessarily mean they aren't doing a decent job while at work. The creche manager will have to evaluate them on their work performance and not their personal lives (reprehensible as they are).

I think under these circumstances, the best thing you can do is remove yourself and your children from the situation. Not ideal to move them to a new creche, I know, but your sanity is at stake here, and your kids will need you to be as stable and strong as you can be. I think that's going to be very difficult if you are confronted with this woman every time you drop your kids off, and you and your unborn child simply do not need the stress. I think the kids will get over being at a new creche sooner than they'd get over mum having a complete meltdown.

Your H has essentially broken off your relationship already, but he's going to make it up to you to do the actual divorce stuff. Luckily he has somewhere else to live so you've essentially been separated for as long as he's had that other place. Definitely time to seek legal advice, and check if you qualify for legal aid.

If you feel you must address the OW somehow, wait till you've removed the kids from the creche. You can certainly tell the manager your reason for removing them, as long as you realise perhaps nothing will happen. Rather than an in-person confrontation with the OW which will make your blood boil (not something you need now), write her a letter to be delivered once the kids are elsewhere.

Having read the above post I think this is the sensible approach. Wait until your baby is born and your kids are in a new creche, then go for the jugular. A lot of us on here want this woman to be hurt in some way especially as you're pregnant, but thinking about it, at the moment, your health comes first. Revenge is a dish best served cold.