Dont know if I'm paranoid or not (long, sorry)

[izzymom]

Okay, I'm going to start at the beginning but try not to waffle on to long.

Last October I got a bit concerned about the amount of time my DH was spending on facebook. Basically was on it 2-3 hours every night, and if I came into the room he would hide the screen. Eventually on my birthday I discovered my DH had been arranging a surprise party so thought that was the explanation.

A couple of weeks later, I went away for the half term holiday with my sister, her DC's, my DC's and my 2 DSS's. My DH could not get the time off work and was ok with stayin at home. When I got home my DH was a bit offish, which I put down to being a bit jealous of us having a good time without him etc. However, the strange behaviour carried on, he was picking fights, being very critical of me. He was also still spending a lot of time on internet.

I decided to try to find out what was up and gained access to his facebook and email account (I know, I know, total invasion of privacy, the wrong thing to do). I found that he was sending flirty, sexy messages to a woman we both know (she works at a creche my DC's go to couple of times a week), and that she had been round to her house for dinner while I was on holiday. So confronted DH, he denied any wrong doing, said they were just friends, and I went to stay at my mums. The same weekend I discovered I was pg with 3rd DC (unplanned and not a pleasant surprise TBH).

Basically the upshot in October was that I came home, he agreed not to contact her privately again and we did our best to make a go of things.

My DH was made redundant shortly after, and he decided to take a change of career direction. He decided he wanted to do a Childcare course, and took on a job managing a pub while he did this so that he could do placement in the morning. So since January, he has lived at pub, I stay at w'ends with DC's and DSC's, and he has been doing placement at the creche where this woman works (again, I can see this seems strange but it just fitted in easily with the hours, + he knows all the staff there).

So, he has had last 2 wks off placement as it is shut for Easter. Last Thursday I asked if he had heard from anyone at creche, as one of the girls who works there recently had baby and wondered how she was getting on. He said he had not heard from any of them. Over the weekend I borrowed DH mobile as I had run out of credit. While I was trying to make call a text came through from the woman he was messaging last October. Text asked if I was going home this week, and if he was free to meet Monday.

Basically, I went through his phone, and found text messages which confirm they had met 3 mornings last week at my DH pub (I was at home all week). Txts were quite flirty, calling each other 'babe' and ending with xx's. I confronted DH after pub closed last Saturday, he said she had been for coffee and that he had 'chosen not to tell me' as he knew I would create issues from it. I pointed out that he had actually lied as I had asked if he had spoken to her, but he insists did not lie, just chose not to tell me.

This week things have rumbled on between us, him saying I am paranoid and making something from nothing. Also says pg is making me behae like a 'freak'. Thursday nite I said to him that either he chooses to stop contacting this woman and does not meet with her again privately, or I do not want to be married to him any more. His answer is that he will not be dictated to who he is friends with so basically fine our marriage is over.

I have only spoken to him on phone since then except for brief face to face chat this morning when I dropped DSS's off to him. He just keeps repeating that I am trying to run his life, and that there's no wonder he likes spending time with other people cos all I do is nag, moan and cry. I am suffering from antenatal depression, my mw has referred me to psychiatrist and I'm waiting for apptmnt.

I am now beginning to question myself. Do I sound to others like I'm being paranoid? Am I being unreasonable in asking him not to see this woman ? Or am I just chickening out of standing by my decision because I'm scared of being single mum (DS is 3, DD 2 and am 33 wks pg)? Please can someone offer me advice,as I feel like my heads going to pop with going round and round in circles.

Tried to talk to him last night, said to him dont mind who he is friends with but that if he meets up with this woman I would prefer it to be in a public place and for me to know about it.

His response was he does not have to tell me anything about what he's doing, it's none of my business. I explained that feel vulnerable at the moment and would just make things easier if I knew I could trust him. Basically said doesnt give a sh*t how I feel, he has a laugh with this woman who at least makes an effort to be interested in him instead of just kids and he's not sure if he even loves me enough to want to make an effort . Then starts saying I better not bf the new baby as he has a right to overnight contact .

So, I think he wanted me to find out, wanted this to happen but did not have guts to say so. I just wish he would admit to having an affair and then I would know what to do about my kids going to creche, but I think he's too clever to do that. Just dont know what to do for the best.

Oh dear - for you. It doesn't sound so innocent now.

I am sorry but it does sound as if he has given up on your marriage and is treating you very badly.

All I can suggest is that either you, or preferably both of you, go to Relate to try to sort out this mess. If he won't, you might try going on your own, to help YOU.

I know you are in an emotional tangle, but if I were you, I'd also start making practical plans to manage as if the marriage were over- see a solicitor and get some advice about fincances etc.

He might just be having a daft fling, and will come to his sesnes soon enough, or he might not. He obviously likes the attention this woman gives him, so maybe if you are to salvage the marriage you need to listen to what that is telling you. I am not saying you are doing wrong atm, but what I am saying is that HE believes you are!

Good luck.

to be honest i think it sounds like his separated himself from the family and now his on his own technically he is doing what he chooses and disrespecting you

it doesnt sound like his trying to mend the relationship but make you end it

to be honest your not happy his giving you nothing dont allow him to treat you this way anymore

im sorry that your pregnant and having to deal with this but best you do now as time is a great healer and he definatly sounds like his moved himself on why would he mention access over night if he was going to be with you it sound smore like his pushing you away

if you can accept and wait for this fling to be over then fine but personally people only treat you how you allow them start backing off not caring so much talking rationally and genuinely strewngthen yourself up he will either get worried and start chasing you or you will know for sure and be so strong you dont want him back

to be honest men are great attention seekers his of course going to blame you im not getting what i need etc but a man who loves there woman will sort it out not run off with the nearest bimbo , move out of family home not make any effort with you

and most of all would take some responsibility to things going sour not emotionally pin it on you as being pregnant you feel vulnerable anyway his actions are not your fault he chose to go off and do that you didn't force him if he cared that much would he not support you with being pregnant with the children and emotionally

sending you big hugs xxxxxx

I can't believe this, am bloody fuming on your behalf!! They are definetely up to something, you have every right to either force, yes force him not to see her or he can f off. I know you're pregnant and don't want to upset you but these people are the lowest of the low in my opinion.
My P is not allowed on facebook at all, since the time his friend used our laptop and I saw the amount of slappers offering themselves on there. The way I see it, if you have children with a man you are allowed a say in whether he has female friends or not, precisely because of situations like this.
Tell him to go. I hate to make it sound easy when I know it's not, but you are so vulnerable right now, this is the last thing you need!! Loads of hugs to you, I really am rooting for you

Your last post made it clear where he feels himself to be in the relationship. Sorry

He doesn't need to admit to the affair - I think it is pretty obvious from the way he is treating you.

I would have thought that you could divorce him for unreasonable behaviour if you so wished. My besta dvice to you at the moment is to see a solicitor, so you know what your rights are.

Reality - yes she knows I'm pregnant, I'm 33 wks and have massive bump.

I'm now beginning to feel really angry and am tempted to go to creche tomorrow to have it out with her. I know really this would not help the situation, but how dare she act all caring and nice to my face while she's sending DH texts and meeting up with him behind my back ??

I cant bear the thought of her looking after my kids but dont see why they should suffer cos their Dad's an idiot. I've spent the whole day veering between wanting to persuade DH to try to sort it out eg.Relate and telling him to f off.

For your DCs sake you should give Relate a try.

It might not be a good idea to confront the OW- yes, it will get it off your chest, but she is probably going to lie to you anyway. I'd keep the cards up my sleeve for a while.

as a matter of interest, is it her chresche? Or does she just work there?

Because if she's only employed there then i would imagine that having an affair with a client is grossly unprofessional...

She's an employee, it's not her creche. The creche is managed by my local council

hmmm, your dh's behaviour is very similar to mine when he was having an affair - the distancing of himself from you
I am so and for you, especially with her looking after your kids :O

And I agree - if she is only an employee, she could lose her job if this came out. And it might also threaten his placement there. Consider all this before you do or say anything.

just from personal experience, I do wish I had walked into stbxh's work and kicked off about his affair with a work colleague. Wouldnt have done any good, but at least everyone would know what deceitful people they both were, and they both would have lost respect (or so I assume). But I was worried HE would lose his job too..

Something is clearly going on though, and you do need to talk to him about it, and to decide what YOU want to do in this situation. Get some legal advice so you know where you stand.

well I wouldn't give a toss about her losing her job tbh but maybe I'm just a bitch

But both he and she don't seem to care about your feelings so why should you tread carefully? I would really be tempted to drop her in it. Perhaps an anonomous phone call to the manager saying that you've seen a member of their staff out with someone you know to be a parent and that you as a fellow parent (it's anonomous obviously) feel that this is unprofessional and feel that you might have to reconsider putting your children there... and perhaps even informing ofsted... .

me neither wannabe.
I worded it like that cos I didnt want to get flamed for encouraging the op to do it, but if she could lose her job I personally would also drop her in it

But what have I actually got to tell the manager?? They are meeting 'for coffee' and have been texting each other a bit too affectionately?? Would just be so gutted if I went to speak to or wrote to the manager and she said there was no problem/not enough evidence etc.

My DS starts school in September so not a good time to move him to another place but dont think I can face seeing her 2/3 times a week. Particularly when baby arrives and I feel even wobblier/flabby than I do now. Think may keep them home this week, say have tummy bug etc and see how I feel in a few days.

You could have a private word with the manager and explain the situation. She may not be able to do anything about it yet, but it might get her watching out for it at work. She may even know more than you think already...

You don't have to prove it to the manager though.

i would just have a quiet word and perhaps even say to her that you and your dh are having issues as a result of his affair with this woman, and that as a result you do not want this woman to have any contact with your children. As the parent that is your perogative.

I really don't think there is any substance in the idea that this OW mightlose her job, tbh.

She is not a therapist, or a doctor etc etc, so it is not within any code of ethics that she cannot have a relationship with a parent. She has not taken any "oaths" or agreed not to have a relaionship with a parent. It would be the same if she was a teacher- it's not a crime in any sense.

actually a teacher having a relationship with the parent of one of his/her pupils would cause issues - he/she may not lose their job but he/she would certainly be removed from the class he/she was currently teaching which in turn would cause all sorts of issues for all the other children and parents of those children.

There may not be a code of ethics as such, but generally it is highly frowned upon to have a relationship with clients in any profession.

I agree with talking to her boss. Why should she walk around thinking there's no consequences? If I'm honest,I would have taken her head off her slaggy shoulders. You are pregnant, and come across as a nice person,so the boss option sounds good. If you are going to do this, explain you don't want it to effect your childs place there, they will be understanding.
Also, with regards to your man, I understand the emotions involved here especially at this point, but do you think he should stay elsewhere for a while, and as the above poster said, see if he begins backtracking, or if his mind becomes clearer either way? At least you'll know, but obviously this will be a very hard option for you right now.

Losingtheplot, I'm so sorry you're going through this awful situation, and at 33 weeks pg it must feel even more distressing.

I'm not really answering your question but I felt the need to comment on your ex's statement:

"then starts saying I better not bf the new baby as he has a right to overnight contact."

I'm sure you've not said any more about this because you know that it's a thinly veiled threat (despicable on its own) and also that there's no substance to his comment. Even as a parent with parental responsibility no judge would grant him the right to overnight access while your baby is newborn, breastfeeding and largely dependent on his/her mother. In fact, given how pro breast feeding society is at present, the fact that he was discouraging you from doing so to suit his own wants and needs would cast him in a very dim light indeed.

We can all behave like horrible fools. It is within all of us to sink low under the right (wrong?) circumstances. But the damage caused by some bad deeds cannot be repaired or forgiven. Regardless of what is going on, unless his behaviour changes significantly very soon indeed, I think you and your children mat need to accept that you deserve much better than this idiot and move on.

Sorry. You don't need this pressure right now. I really feel for you.

Did't really pick up on that statement! Completely agree with optimist, what a useless, ill thought out threat. So if you have been dwelling on this, don't.

Jesus christ what a bastard.

Even if you are depressed and weepy and focused on the kids that does not justify spending time away from you and the kids with some stupid bimbo. If he had any kind of feelings above the waist he would be trying to support you and the kids, not thinking about who gives his dick more attention.

Why can't men like him see family and young children as more important than their dicks?

I can't believe these people work with young children. Hoemwrecking is child abuse in my opinion. Hurting a pregnant woman in the worst possible way (and that is what this is) is abuse of the baby she is carrying. Stress and negativity release hormones into your system that are not great for the baby.

Then he asks that you not breastfeed so that he can have overnight visits. What a twat.

He has been meeting up with this slut, lying about it, and calling you paranoid. This directly shows the world that he doesn't give a toss about your kids...and neither does OW. If my kids went to that nursery I'd pull them out and tell that woman that I don't want my kids being cared for by child abusing homewreckers.

I really don't understand why this kind of thing does not constitute criminal behaviour. I really don't.

Well said Pramspotter.

I would most def go and talk to the manager about DH and the nursery nurse. The manager needs to know if something like this is going on because it will have a direct bearing on how these people work together. Take a step back and think.
Would you be happy knowing that you children are being looked after by two people behaving in such a irresponsible manor? I know that I would be concerned that my children were being neglected because they were too wrapped up in each other to notice something going on with the little ones!

I would also get myself down to a solicitor because when your husband realises that most of his income is going to be taken from him to look after his 3 very young children he might get a bit more shitty than he already sounds.

I find it incredible that he thinks this is reasonable behaviour.

Try to space yourself away from him for a couple of weeks. You need to focus upon yourself and your upcoming new born. As you know you will need all your energies for this. Far more important than a selfish, lying, good fore nothing who thinks only of his own needs and not of his new born(dont breast feed, bugger off)

OOOO it makes me really angry.

""actually a teacher having a relationship with the parent of one of his/her pupils would cause issues ""

Sorry to kind-of hijack on this issue- but to my knowledge- know lots of teachers/heads- this is not the case. Do you know otherwise out of interest?