splitting up,how on earth is it done financially?

[sas45]

dh and i have decided to seperate. We have 2 dd, a mortgage and no spare cash. Where on earth do we start? He has offered to move out but where too! Cann't afford rent. Anyone with any advice please?

I guess you have to sell up and both find somewhere cheaper

That could take so long!Now the decisions been made need the next stage now.

Are there any relatives one of you could stay with in the short term?

The problem in the current climate is selling may take a while.

could he move in with family or friends temporarily?
hopefully someone will come along who is more experienced and who knows if he would be entitled to housing benefit?

He has no family locally, i have my mum but she lives quite a distance from our schools.As for friends, they all have families and not much room and like you said the market is not good, could take months to sell. Hoping someone who has ben there and done it may come on!

Don't suppsoe youwould want to rent out your house and then each rent somewhere smaller- would that work? Whilst trying to sell..

or could you possibly borrow money to fund the rental of a small place for him?

Can't see any solutions really- unless he could afford to rent and then maybe get a lodger to share withhim - flat share situation.

Otherwise youwill just have to grin and bear it until you sell up- you can live separately under one roof and be classed as separated re. divorce.Not ideal, but would count towards your 2 year separation if that's what you intend to do.

I have no advice to give but can offer sympthy as I'm in the same boat. We swapped bedrooms round and H is now sharing a room with ds3 while I share a room (and bed) with ds1. Ds2 is the only one who got to stay put.

We've been like this for 6 weeks. Days are OK as at least one of us is out at work at any given time, but evenings are a strain after the dses have gone to bed.

I have no idea how long this will go on for. We can't even afford to put the house on the market as can't afford the HI pack upfront and we're both reluctant to pay over the odds for payment after sale as a) it's stupidly expensive and b) let's face it, there are no buyers out there anyway.

I've applied for housing but I won't be a priority and will be unlikely to be offered anywhere. I can but try though, and hopefully I should have an answer soon.

Goodl luck and if I get any nuggests of information I'll pass them on.

oddhair that must be so hard
OP you might get more luck in the Lone Parents topic?

sas45 I am very sorry to hear of your situation. The same thing has just happened to me - XP and I were together for 23 yrs.
I have also started a simlar thread and was given the following advice which you may find useful:

"do you work at all?
if you earn below a certain amount(can't remember how much)then you are entitled to legal aid
you will need further legal assistance here tho poss.
are you married?if yes then you will.
it might be worth seeking mediation to clarify the financial side of things
you also need to consider pension,childrens'future education and healthcare if that's in place etc
also arrangements relating to the dc
mediation is useful as its impartial and offers up to date realistic advice,you will also receive at the end a memorandum of understanding(?)which is recognised in law".

My XP is staying with a friend for most of the time although he does pop in and out. The house is going on the market this week but I don't know what I need to do next. I will have some equity from the sale but not sure that I will get a mortgage on my part-time salary.

If my XP was here I think I would move into one of the dc bedrooms and live separate lives until the sale went through.

Have you been to citizen advice? I did not find my local CA particularly helpful tbh but you may have better luck. Otherwise you could go to a solicitor offering a free 30 minute session.

Good luck to you. If I find out anything useful I will let you know.
Keep strong.

Oh my god! Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. This is my first time on here and felt a bit silly thinking this is what my friends are for. But don't want loads of people knowing as not told dd's yet! Bowbelles and OddHair Thanks and sorry to hear you are in the same boat. Got citizen advice on Tues. How old are your ds's?

my H and I decided to seperate back in September.. we started to live independent lives, ie, he did his own washing, cooking, and slept on the sofa. I work and am able to claim wftc.. we have 2 children aged 10 and 12
H is still living here at the moment, (he has actually been looking after a friends house for the last 2 weeks and its been lovely here without him)
we have both signed a seperation agreement. We decided I should stay in the marital home till youngest is 18 and finshes full time education,
he pays half the mortgage, I pay the other half, and all the bills.

sas45.. do you work? if you work over 16 hours (I think its 16) you will be intitled to ftc or wftc..
www.entitledto.co.uk is very good

this could be helpful as well

I'm not sure about housing benefit, the cab will be able to give you some good advice.

good luck

SAS I know what you mean. It's such a big step telling people. I'm a very private person and although I have felt that I wanted to leave this relationship many times I have never mentioned anything to anyone other than posting on here. It was therefore a huge shock to my friends and family. But since telling people I now know I will not go back on it and I really do feel as though a huge weight has been lifted.
My ds's are 15/13/11. How old are your dd's?

rumdontbotherreplyingmum,thanks for web link, will take a look. Bowbelles. Mine are 6 and 9 1/2. So into Daddy. Don't know where to start! And yes know what you mean about a weight been lifted. Felt like that since we agreed to split, but that has now been replaced by worries over telling the girls.

Hi SAS hope everything is ok with you. Are you any further on yet?
I have 3 sons and it was very hard telling them although they are taking it well at the moment. I think they knew it was coming. My middle ds took it the worse. He clashes with his dad but idolises him. I think now that XP is staying out of the way my ds is finding is much easier.
I'm still not sure what to do next either. I have decided I will wait to hear about tax credits and then go from there. House is going to be sold (hopefully) by an Open House sale in the next 2 weeks so I really need to find somewhere to live.
Would you be prepared to do as Rumdontbother is doing and stay in the house until your youngest dd is 18?
Good luck at the CA on Tuesday.

Hi

I am going through something similar myself at the mo, we have a5 year old daughter. We decided to separate about 6 weeks ago and are living under the same roof at the moment, due to my husband and his selfish and irresponsible spending habits added with debts he owes to his business we losing our home and I could alo be going bankraupt,I have put up with his ways for many years and decided to bite the bullet. I felt the same as you relief at first but I am also worrying about my daughter we are both due to move in two weeks in separate rented accomodation i hope by then things will be alot calmer. I work 25 hours a week and rang tax credits and I now get working tax credit and more child tax credit, you should get some housing benefit too, just go to your local council office regarding that and they will point you in the right direction. I first rang tax credits up, it normally takes about 2 weeks for your award to come through and you will receive back pay aswell. I know exactly how you are feeling I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone - you're not on your own.x

Hi everyone, I would love to stay in our house but at the mo i can not see how i could manage financially. I have an appointment with the CA tomorrow so should have a better idea of what tax credits i would be able to get. Hinchy, sorry to hear of your situation and thanks for your advice. Are there any happy marriages i wonder!! I have my father in law staying this week. could so be doing without that as he has no idea!! Take care xx

Hi sas45, what a strain with your fil there! we didn't tell anyone for a couple of months, we needed to find the right time to tell the kids, and we didn't want them to find out from anyone else.
good luck with the CA tomorrow.. let us know how it goes.

Hi SAS hope you got on ok at the CA. I'm thinking I also need to see them as not sure what my next move should be.
How awful that you have fil staying with you - you could do without that.
Hope he's not there for very long (in the nicest possible way).
Good luck to you too Hinchy.
Keep strong.

Hi thanks Bowbelles, just taking every day as it comes, just wish i could fast forward a few months, keep telling myself we are going to be ok and trying to remain positive. I know I am losing everything, but now I have realised to lead a normal happy life now I need to leave the old one behind and start a fresh these are only possessions and our happiness comes first - happy mummy happy child!! don't know what I would have done without my parents and inlaws through the last month or so. Got all the legal advice I can possibly get so just need to get the wheels in motion. I have now told my daughter in the best way possible she was upset, and I know things are going to be hard for a while but it is definately for the best for her aswell. Hope everything is ok with you.

Hi. Think i was seen by a trainee at CA! He kept going to see his superviser! Ended up with a confusing printout of benefits that i can get.The weeks been easier than i thought with fil down. Hinchy, can you still get your extra credits even though you still leaving under same roof? Did you and ex tell your daughter 2gether? Sorry for the questions. Hope you get someone at CA with more experience than i did Bowbelles! How are you both feeling at the mo? Take care x

Hi

I didn't think you could get tax credits until either one of you moved out and I was under this impression for quite some weeks as I was told this by tax credits, they told me just to call back when one of us had moved out. I then went to see a matrimonial solictor 4 weeks ago just for half an hour and she was fantastic, she said you can claim for tax credits whilst both living under the same roof, and if I needed proof to give to tax credits she was will to send a letter to confirm this, she said there are plenty of estranged couples who still live together that claim. If I was you I would book a 30 minute session with a solictor just so you know exactly what you are entitled to as if you have equity in your house they can tell you exactly what avenue to go down.Obviously in my predicament that was not the case due to my wonderful husband (not!)Our daughter asked me casually in the car about moving house and at first just answered her questions without going down the road of 'mum and daddy don't love each other anymore' tried to make it simple I did emphasie that it was just me & her that were going to be living in this house and she never asked if daddy was coming too, so just left it at that , then on Mon she was asking about the house again and asked if daddy was coming which I replied No but explained she would still see him, she was upset which was understandably and inside my heart was breaking ( he has now got a house 5 doors away)which I am not that happy about but at the mo I think that would be better for our daughter. I have also ordered a book off amazon called two of everything it is a kids story book by an author called babette cole it doesn't mention the dreaded divorce word and is simple for a 5 year old to understand I think it also makes it a bit light hearted aswell which will be helpful!! My husband spoke to her last night about it while I was out and although I don't have a very high opinion about him he seemed to explain it quite well I was annoyed I wasn't there and he explained it quite well and she was fine about it, she has been tearful this morning as the cat is going with my husband as the landlady will not allow pets in mine but explained we can leave food out for etc as he is only a few doors away etc when we came home from school tonight spoke about it moving saying how exciting it was and how we were going to be happy etc she was fine and seemed excited but have said if wants to talk come and talk to me. I am not expecting it to be a walk in the park, but believe me it cannot get much worse and I am really quite excited of the future eventhough ther are some crappy things I have got to do to get there. Hope you will be ok, thinking of you and make sure you get to a solictor asapx.

Hiya

Had a very unpleasant meeting with XP this evening when he came round to see dc.

I phoned the Tax Credit people shortly after we decided to seaparate, to inform them that although we are still both living here, I am single. With our joint claim we had an overpayment of £7600 which we were paying off. Now that we have separated we are both liable to pay half each towards the overpayment.

I did not tell XP that I had phoned them and today we both receievd a bill for £1700 and £1600 each.

He went totally ballistic at me accusing me of stitching him up, calling me a 'money grabbing c**t' and lots of other names. (DCs were in the house). He said that he is not going to pay and is going to phone them to say that I am lying as he is still paying half of the bills (we have left some money in our joint account to pay bills until the house is sold). He is also saying that he's going to buy me out of the house (don't think he can afford to) and will take his time with it so that it goes on for longer as he knows I can't afford to pay half of everything on this house.

I just want to move as soon as possible. I am not trying to stich him up, I'm doing what I have to do for me and my children.

He later said to my 11 yo ds and his friend 'your mum is really pissing me off'.
I wouldn't dream of slagging him off to my dcs.

Hope everything is going ok for everyone else.

SAS - I was told by TC that I can claim as single even though xp is still living here (although he's now been staying with a friend). Your experience with CA sounds very similar to mine actually - but saying that I am going to go back.

Hinchy I'm glad your dd is a bit happier and you are feeling more positive. Have you already moved or are you about to?

I have emailed the council to see if they can offer any advice. I really need my own front door.

When xp came round tonight he asked who's sandwich was in the fridge (it was mine for tomorrow lunchtime at work) and after he'd left I found that he'd eaten half of it! I'm not worried but why does he think he can do that? I bought that with MY money not his!

II'll let you know if I find out anything from the council.

Hinchy, had a good cry whilst reading your last message!Hope you and dd have had a good day.H living close will be good for dd but not so for you! Will def visit the solicitor asap. H is looking for place to move to. We had words in front of girls tonight over cooking the tea!9 yr old walked out in tears. Had a chat to say sorry and that our rows are not her fault, she says her little sis causes them as she is a bit of a handful! Told her that so not the case and we love them both so much. Bowbelles, how upsetting for you to be spoken to like that, especially with ds there. Pity that 1/2 of sandwich didn't have arsenic in it, maybe next time!! We have a hol in Greece booked in May, Oh dear!

xx

Noticed today that H has not been wearing his wedding ring. It upset me and he can not understand why, not sure i understand why actually!! Working this weekend but hope we can all keep chatting? x