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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The children talk before you have them

47 replies

MuffinBaker · 18/04/2009 19:14

SO many threads all the time on here about
nobheads men who see childcare/housework as women's work and as helping when they do anything with/for the kids. The women moan that the men do nothing.

Can't understand it myself.

OP posts:
flightoftheeasterbunyip · 18/04/2009 19:16

Do you mean talk before you have children with someone?

Have you ever been in a relationship where the person seems great to start with, but then changes? That's often how it happens. Even if you do talk a person can really let you down...you have no guarantee sadly.

SoupDragon · 18/04/2009 19:18

Oh, it must be great to be perfect with a perfect life.

whereismumhiding · 18/04/2009 19:18

Agree totally with FOTEB

Original poster
MuffinBaker · 18/04/2009 19:19

Yes.

I can't understand why there are so many women moaning about their children's father doing squat but don't do anything about it.

I have had relationships where the man has turned violent - so I left but this is completely different.

OP posts:
flightoftheeasterbunyip · 18/04/2009 19:20

How is it different? You can't make a bloke do stuff.

Original poster
MuffinBaker · 18/04/2009 19:20

I do not have a perfect life, no one does.

My point is why do women moan about it but not do anything about it.

Weren't the signs there before they had kids that they weren't going to be a grown up about things?

OP posts:
Original poster
MuffinBaker · 18/04/2009 19:21

So were all these men fabulous at doing half the chores around the house and then stopped wonce baby came along?

OP posts:
flightoftheeasterbunyip · 18/04/2009 19:21

And some of us are desperately lonely so use a little 'magical thinking' in order to convince ourselves a bloke is actually great when he isn't.

That's sad but please don't bemoan everyone else's mistakes - just be grateful you got lucky and landed a really nice man. There aren't that many of them around.

Original poster
MuffinBaker · 18/04/2009 19:22

I am not being mean.

I genuinely are trying to understand why they can't get their men to step up.

I am aware I am not explaining myself very well.

OP posts:
flightoftheeasterbunyip · 18/04/2009 19:22

I'm about to get cross if you write any more posts like these, so I think I might bugger off and attend to my fatherless children.

MarlaSinger · 18/04/2009 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MuffinBaker · 18/04/2009 19:23

Well, I am sorry you feel that way.

I haven't explained what I mean right at all and I apologise for any upset caused - though obviously not intended.

OP posts:
MarlaSinger · 18/04/2009 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino · 18/04/2009 19:23

DH and I probably never thought about having dcs when we got together. Dd was a happy accident. I wouldn't even have been WITH him at all if he considered that ALL the cleaning and cooking fell to me because I was female. I did do more when i was off on ML. But that wasn't a prob as I was blessed with an "easy" baby.

He's not perfect by any means but he spends a lot of time with dd and always does the hoovering and other stuff. I can appreciate things get a lot more complicated if you are a SAHM, and think this discussion has to happen long before the baby arrives.

flightoftheeasterbunyip · 18/04/2009 19:24

Perhaps you ought to try and explain then?

Agree with Marla btw.

Original poster
MuffinBaker · 18/04/2009 19:24

I DO NOT think it is the womens fault if the men do not do what they should.

I don't understand why the women let them get away with it.

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 18/04/2009 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

flightoftheeasterbunyip · 18/04/2009 19:25

Perhaps because they can't do anything else except leave them and then their kids wouldn't have a father.

MarlaSinger · 18/04/2009 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 18/04/2009 19:26

I can sort of see where you're coming from

As soon as my bloke proposed I had to say 'I do want kods though' because he'd been adamant he didn't want them
however what I should have said you do want more than one don't you? as for ages he only wanted one and it was the cause of much arguments
my friend is in the same position now, pregnant with her first, convinced she can persuade her husband to have another when the time comes

somethings should be discussed before marrying altho it's hard to know if your bloke will be a tosser re. helping with the sleepless nights etc
looking at how much their mates help out can be a good indicator or if they have brthers, BILs

macdoodle · 18/04/2009 19:42

yes you are not coming across at all well - coming across as smug righteous and totally and utterly patronising !!
Have you ever tried to MAKE an abusive man do what YOU want
No then the bugger the hell off !!

MarlaSinger · 18/04/2009 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 18/04/2009 19:48

I tried to make my kids father come off the computer and help with our 4 DC.......I got a good slap for interfereing, in front if the DC as well.......so go on then, tell me, how would I get him to 'step up'??!!???!!??

Portofino · 18/04/2009 19:54

I think I understand where you are coming from Muffin. And i agree. If you marry Joe Bloggs and you and him work full time and he helps out round the house. Then you have a dc and he wipes his hands of it all...and expects YOUR life to change utterly whilst he carries on going to the pub after work, and plays golf at the weekend....etc etc Is that what you meant?

Pollyanna · 18/04/2009 19:56

I always made it clear to dh that I wasn't a little woman like his mother, but tbh before we had children we were both fairly (equally) crap with housework/cooking/laundry etc.

It wouldn't have crossed my mind to have the chat with him about who did what.

(although If I had seen signs that he had strong views about what is womans work etc, I would probably have left him anyway.)