Can I just let off steam about my sister, please

[flightoftheeasterbunyip]

Don't expect replies, just want to write it down really.

last year she rang me basically to have a go at me, my parenting, my relationship with my family, and a lot of stuff that didn't make much sense and wasn;t true/ relevant as she hadn't been to visit for over a year.

There was an exchange of emails in which she maintained a cold, lofty air of superiority and I swore at her (eventually after much attempting to repair the argument). Have not heard since apart from a Christmas present for my children, and possibly for me, and I sent her and her partner stuff as well. We sent thankyou letters, they didn't.

She's deigned to visit this weekend as she has a friend;s christening to go to here. Well, she contacted mum and is visiting mum, that is - except mum isn't even there as she's across the country at a family birthday do (rare).

I only knew she was coming because mum told me. Sister hasn't got in touch (she sent the boys some tokens last week, which was nice)and I didn't want to but ds1 was desperate to see her so I let him ring mum's house this evening. She spoke to him for a few minutes, he was asking again and again if he could come round or if they could come here - eventually I got passed the phone, and we had a short conversation during which she was still utterly cold and haughty and wouldn't give an inch when I tried to inject a little humour or friendliness.

She has said we can go round tomorrow evening when my parents are back, but I know that'll be hard for my parents as they'll be knackered - or else will see ds Monday evening after school. He was quite upset, he's only five and gets on well with her but she's just not seen him for nearly two years now. It makes me so mad that she's avoiding my kids just because she's got some chip on her shoulder about me - especially as it's all about them and how badly I bring them up, when she does have a go at talk to me.

It's so hypocritical...criticising my parenting while staying markedly absent from their lives herself.

It's not as though I even know why she turned against me last year - it doesn't make sense, I didn't do anything different that I can think of, and we used to get on quite well, have a good giggle etc.

The only thing that happened was she got married.

Part of me wonders if it was really me or jsut possibly, whether her new partner (she married another woman) is actually having an impact on this - she's avoiding our parents more than ever (previous good relationship) and now me as well. Nobody can do a thing right.

Maybe it took finding her partner to enable her to break away from us all, or maybe (and I don't think mum will countenance this) her partner is actually putting subtle pressure on her not to see us?

Partner is Ok as far as I can tell, but very shy, rarely talks on the phone to any of us, rather possessive and gets upset if sister travels which sister does all the time. I'd hate to think my sis was under some kind of duress.

I jsut feel so disappointed as I was looking forward to seeing her with my children again, she is great with kids - she also hinted a while ago that she was upset at not having any herself (partner doesn't want to adopt, use donor etc) so maybe this is behind it.

In hindsight I shouldn't have told ds she was coming. I really thought she'd ring as soin as they arrived and want to see him, like she used to do.

It's so difficult to know, isn't it? Can you speak to her on the phone and just say, look, things still seem frosty here, what are we going to do about it?

Maybe she is finding it hard coming to terms with her partner not wanting children.
If she was/is so good with children but really wants her own, she may be avoiding children to try and lessen the pain.

Thanks for getting to the end, Bof

Well considering the lengthy emnails last year in which I tried and tried to get to the bottom of it, and never did actually find any reasons for her outburst, I don't think rationality is playing much of a part.

I don't understand what she;s so furious about. I really don't, and she won't tell me.

I almost feel like I have totally lost her. It's horrible, I've never been an only child and don't want to be now.

Inthescrum - maybe, Do you really think that would cause her to get angry with me? I can hardly do anything about it, if that's the reason.

It could be anything! Is there no way you could just try and find a way forward without knowing?

I know it sucks but, if you want a relationship with your sister, I think you are just going to have to offer a very unreserved apology. If you can't bear to do it in person, I would send a letter or email saying that you miss her, that you hate not seeing her, that you are sorry that things were said/written in the heat of the moment but that you don't like people criticising your parenting (then don't rake over the causes of the argument any more).

I can't see any mention of her having children and people that don't can be very judgmental - perhaps her partner has unreasonably high expectations of how children "should" behave. Perhaps they would like some themselves but can't sort out the practicalities. Either way, it probably isn't that much about your parenting but that has just become an issue.

Coming from a family of first-class flouncers, there is a danger that people back themselves into a corner and just can't see a way out and frostiness/anger seems the easiest way of maintaining their dignity when it self-evidently it isn't. Be the bigger person.

Thanks...BoF I've been trying to do that but she just seems really spiky and I don't know why
after all it was she who started it all off by ringing up and ranting at me for 10 minutes without even a pause. I was so stunned I didn't get to explain anything, then I wrote a hasty defensive email back, shortly followed by an apology and what I considered a balanced explanation and analysis of what I thought she might have been getting at - she then wrote back saying don't contact me any more, I don't want anything to do with you

I apologised again and explained why I ahd reacted defensively but still nothing.

Maybe unreserved is the way to go, but it would feel disingenuous as I have no idea what i've done. It looks like I'll just have to write off the relationship, which is the last thing I want but it seems she is hell bent on cutting off all her family. I can't make sense of it any other way iyswim - she's done it to mum for years, looks like it's my turn now.

It was after all that that I swore at her, her replies were so patronising and mean - it was as though she thought I was a piece of dirt. Almost as though it had been secretly building up for years and she had just got around to exploding, and couldn't be bothered to explain why. Which is possible I guess but it must mean I'm a dreadful person if it's something that bad or obvious, and I still don't see it.

It's really rocked my sense of self.

does your mum know what happened?
maybe now is a good time to get it all out in the open?
could someone babysit and you and your sister go out for a drink without the dcs?

Yes, mum knows...I'm not sure what she knows from the other side, but I told her about it from here and made it clear I wanted to patch things up - this was all last autumn.

mum tried not to get too involved I think but slipped a few snippets to me - it was largely about HEing my son, she'd told my sister I was doing this and apparently the reaction was extreme - it was 'appalling' of me to do this to him and sister ranted about it at length all evening (this was when mum and dad visited her).

However it transpired during our emails that she had no clue why we were hEing, or how it came about, and further to that he has gone back to school (last October, when we were offered a place) and she still won't speak to me which seems to indicate it wasn't simply about that, if at all.

I don't think I would want to go for a drink with her at the moment tbh. She wasn't making much sense last autumn and doesn't seem about to spill, or anything...I decided last night that if she didn't want to be around my children, I wasn't going to let them chase her fgs...she's behaving like his dad, 'catch me if you can' and leaving me to explain to a baffled ds why his auntie doesn't care any more. She doesn't deserve his time, IMO

you don't know what your mum told her though she sounds like she's stired it a bit, why on earth tell you in the first place that your sister had ranted for hours about the HEing thing?

Yes, mum very anti HE so I think she did stir. She always stirs, she can't help herself.

Thanks, Compo. I think the answer is tht I have to just carry on and discount them a bit - already avoiding my mum quite a lot recently, which makes me feel much stronger. I think if I accept I can't make sis like me there's no point worrying about it - it's her problem, I'm already doing my best. Just worry in case it is me, iyswim...and I end up driving everyone away or something.

It feels like they all talk about me behind my back, yet fail to do antying constructive about anything they see as a failing - just criticise and then when I do what they said they wanted, ie send him abck, they criticise and tut about me even more.

hmm.

Can't offer anything from personal experience but a close friend of mine went through something VERY similar with her older (also lesbian FWIW) sister some years back. Just as in your situation her sister suddenly became very aggressive towards her, and eventually their parents, and effectively cut herself off from them for some years. In my friend's case it was extremely damaging for all concerned as there were children on both sides (sister had been married and had two kids) and all the cousins were forcibly estranged from one-another. Don't lose hope - in that situation it turned out the sister was having mental health issues (severe depression), had unresolved issues of sibling rivalry with my friend from their childhood (she eventually had counselling and worked her way through it) AND like your sister had a new girlfriend who seemed to be very shy and quiet but was actually extremely controlling and systematically cut friend's sis off from anyone she saw as a threat. Things are still somewhat 'delicate' but they all see each other quite regularly now and are able to refer to the past but only to draw a line under it. I really hope that if you give it time, and give her space, she'll come to realise that she doesn't want to lose you all. In the meantime it might be best to keep any meetings very short and resolve to leave if the situation starts to get aggressive. Hard for your DS but better for him to be protected from any really unpleasant scenes.

Would it be worth trying to talk to her in person whilst she is near by? I know email and texts are the communication of choice a lot of the time but face to face can be really helpful. I would do this but then you aren't me.

Thanks sparkle, it sounds similar.

I do suspect she is jealous, as although mum idolises her and always did, and mum never liked me much as a kid, now we are still in the same town, we talk a fair bit and were close up till v recently due to my having children.

Sis lives up north and we're in the south.

I am sure she is jealous. A lot of hints towards that in her original rant.

I guess there is not much I can do although I hope she does snap out of it as it's hideous. I just miss her. It wasn't all one way - she said she was always trying to solve my problems and was going to stop 'looking after me' when in fact up till a couple of years ago when she met her partner, she was ringing me for relationship woes all the time, well as much as I was anyway if not more. Suddenly she had her life sorted and knew all the answers, and now nobody can get any sympathy - she's abstracted herself from any emotional entanglement with me, my mum or dad.

I don't know what she was on about really - I just sat there listening while she ranted on and on about rubbish, she'd obviously been building up to it for a while - she would stop for breath and start again as though I had argued, when I was just silent and shocked. It was like 'I know you'll be angry' or 'I know you think so and so' and it was all made up.

Weirdy weirdy sister.

Harlot, I wonder if this would be a good thing or not...I am willing to talk if she is but I really doubt it would get anywhere. She seems totally wrapped up in her own perception of things, which nobody else understands afaik.

last autumn she started saying 'You need to stop caring what we are all saying to you' when in fact she actually seemed cross initially becasue I wasn't taking her opinions on board...it made no sense.

My friend tried and tried to keep talking with her sister but, like your sis, was constantly met with aggression and accusations. In the end my friend decided having no relationship for a while was better than persevering with something so destructive. They didn't see each other for a couple of years and just exchanged occasional cards and emails, then her sister had nothing to feed her anger and it gradually went away as she became happier in herself and more settled in a new relationship.

That sounds quite positive. I think I'm starting to realise it's out of my control now.

I'll see how it goes today. But I'm not prepared to be treated, or have ds treated, like this - it's soul destroying. I am tempted to tell him she has gone mad but I shan't...

Really hard to explain it in terms DS will understand - particularly since you yourself can't even be sure exactly what she is angry about. Maybe if it doesn't go well just say she was in a bad mood and is feeling unhappy at the mo? To be all cod-Freudian this might well be nothing to do with you and your parenting choices - it could be that she is conflicted about her life choices and is transferring it onto you.

You have really no idea how she will react, you are making assumptions and then acting on them. She might be hostile she might not, at least you will have tried. I understand you feel hurt and angry but you may feel less so if you see try and see her, as I said earlier I would do so. It is often hard to be very hostile when faced with a living breathing person, at least in my experience it has been. I know I may be in a minority but I think email, text and even phone are never really a good idea when we need to talk about serious matters as so much can be misconstrued.

Is her wife coming with her - I too wonder about being shy, reserved but also controlling and manipulative.

Thanks...yes the wife is also visiting, and I doubt I'll get to talk to sis without her present. Which doesn't really help.

I am so upset about it all, not sure if I can trust myself tbh Harlot. Not that I would create a scene or anything, but I'm feeling attacked already and she's only spoken to me on the phone. I feel defensive again, which isn't a good place to start when you want to sort things out.

I tried again and again last year and I think really it has to be her who makes the first move, this time - as she's already made it clear she doesn't want me to contact her. She actually wrote that so I'm not assuming it. It was only ds yesterday that persuaded me to let him ring her. I wish I hadn't now.

Can you throw all the nasty stuff away and just tell her you miss her?

I can see how upset you are, ultimately you have to do what you feel you can manage. Maybe she is eaten up with envy about you having kids and she hasn't.

i know I have behaved quite unreasonably at times in my life and envy has been part of it.