I did a terrible thing and am about to break a lot of hearts

[BarelyExisting]

5 years ago I was at my lowest point. I was a single mum to two kids on income support. My youngest DC was extremely hyper and I couldn't leave him in the kids club or anything which prevented me from finding work. I was stuck in a horrible, mouse infested house on a rough estate, kids and teens in my garden every night, used condoms near my front door in a morning. I couldn't put anything in my garden if I wanted to see it there the following day. I would spend hours cleaning up all the rubbish from my front garden and the next day it would be worse. It was a never ending battle.

I was so low. I would take the kids to school every morning, trudge home through an area I hated. Stayed all day in a house I hated, walk back to school, back home ... day after day after day

Then I met a lovely man. He was low on confidence as was I and we just kind of gelled. If I'm honest now, there was never any physical attraction there on my side, although I denied this even to myself at the time because I just enjoyed being with someone and I enjoyed HIS company.

I held off taking things much further because I think deep down, I knew there was nothing there but he desperately wanted me to move in with him. He would dangle things in front of me like "You wouldn't have to clear the garden every day here, people don't throw rubbish in gardens here". "The kids would be able to play out in summer here, a nice BBQ, the pool on the grass, tampoline ... " (this was something I'd always dreamed of for my kids but could never have because of the area I was in) "If you moved in here, you could find work, we could share the childcare between us ... "
"If you move in here, you DC won't have to go to that secondary (worst one in the city, happened to be my catchment) and instead they would go here (one of the best in the city, in his catchment).

Basically he painted an idealic picture of family life. A garden the kids could be free in, weekends away, spare money to buy luxuries (no matter how small), the ability to work, a good school for my DC's ...

I KNEW all along I did not love him in that way. I know that now although I would not admit that to myself at the time. I loved him as a friend, not as a lover. But I decided to put myself and my kids first and I moved in with him. It completely changed our lives for the better and I will always be grateful to him.

Now 4 years on, I am working full time. My kids are both in a good school. My confidence is good, I am happy. I know I could manage by myself now. I have the ability to privately rent a house in a good area.

I feel I should now break free from him. Yes I know it seems like "now I have everything I need from him, I can leave him" and I suppose it is a bit like that but when I moved in here, I didn't mean for it to be like this. I assumed I would learn to love him. I didn't think I would ever want to leave as I thought so much about him. I didn't think I'd care that I didn't fancy him or love him in that way, because he would still be my best friend. But I can't carry on like this.

I love his DD to bits and she is going to be so cut up she has no contact with her birth mother and always introduces me as her mum to her friends. DP will be gutted, beyond gutted really as I know he is planning to propose to me.

I can't believe this has turned into such a mess, I was such a selfish cow and now I'm going to break the hearts of everyone I care about. I just didn't realise at the start that this would happen.

I just don't know what to do next. To soften the blow, should I just stay until the kids leave home?

Please be gentle, I know I am the cause of this and I am 100% in the wrong. I can barely look at the people I live with knowing what I've done and what I'm about to do to them. I just need some advice. I already know what I am.

Thank you.

No advice but I don't think you are selfish, you did what was best for your children. You thought you could love him, it hasn't turned out that way.

What a difficult situation, i feel for you

sometimes we meet people at a specific time because we are ment to. Sometimes they are there for the short term, sometimes it's the long haul. You will be doing no one any favours if you stayed for the sake of it. There's someone out there for everyone, there's enough people in the world! If you stay when you don't want to you will end up resenting him and he'll be spending years with someone that's unhappy rather then looking and finding someone who will be happy with him IYSWIM.

Life's too short for all this. It's a journey, you've made a pit stop and you know it's time to move on. Don't keep stringing him along. If you are not happy then tell him and do something. There's someone out there for you aswell. You'll always have the knidness he has shown you and you will always have him in your thoughts and in your heart but gratitude isn't the basis for a relationship, you shouldn't stay out of an obligation. You can still love his DD, this doesn't affect the love you have for her.

My advice would be to not think about how you got together but how you are now and how you want to be in the future.

Good luck.

What a desperate situation. Have you ever told him you loved him or does he really know how you feel??? Have you ever felt you love him more than a friend?? Do you think you could ever love him or is it just a physical thing??

Don't make any rash decisions......

That's such a sad thing to read. I'm on the opposite side, with a DH (who did love me) who left us this Sunday.
You say you never loved him though. That's not really a good basis for a relationship. Yes, you've used him. He probably didnt deserve it. His DD loves you as a mum. She definitely doesnt deserve this.
But, you know what you've done, and if you are sure, then you're stopping him from finding a wonderful woman to replace you and being happy for the right reasons, not made of sthg flimsy that won't last. Do you think he'd rather you leave now or when the kids have left home and he is older. If you gave him enough time to think it through, what do you think he would say?

Are you really sure? It's such a big step. There's no going back once you've done it. His DD might hate you for hurting her DF.

This is a tricky one isn't it. If its any comfort I probably would have done the same. You wanted a better life for your kids and thats what you have. Could you tell me more about your relationship? You say you enjoy his company but there wasn't any attraction for you is that still the same?

What do you expect life to be like if you left him?
Would it be better?
You said "5 years ago I was at my lowest point" and now "I am happy" - why can you not "carry on like this"?

You say that he is planning to propose - has this freaked you out and is it the catalyst for you questioning the relationship?

I don't think anyone would judge you for getting into the relationship - and even people who are madly in love at the beginning have relationships that come to a conclusion. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.

I do feel sorry for you. You're situation sounded so desperate in the start, and you clearly love your DC and tried t do best by them. If you really tried as best you could to love DP and can't, and something like Relate doesnt help, then well you cant beat yourself up. You will probably be harder on yourself than anyone given how remorseful your post read.

If you are going to leave,don't let him propose to you. Just tell him as gently as possible how you feel ( maybe not that you never loved him in that way). How sad, for you all. Please make sure you are doing the right thing, and that you won't regret leaving. There probably will be no going back,especially as he has his own child to consider.

I care so much for him and his DD, he has never been anything but kind to us, all of us. Even when DS2 has put us through hard times he has always remained calm and tried to help. Even now, as I type this he is at the leisure centre with my kids. I'm sat here in tears and have been for most of the afternoon.

He is such a lovely person and he has done nothing to deserve this. I have strung him along and I did tell him, at the beginning that I loved him. In my mind, I did but in reality I think I loved what he was doing for us, rather than him personally, in that way.

There is not much of a physical relationship to be honest, I do keep it alive but barely. When I realised he was about to propose it all came flooding into my head what I'd done. I couldn't possibly go through with marrying him and it made me realise this whole charade is about to come to a crashing conclusion. Because I have to tell him, before he proposes. He doesn't deserve to have his proposal rejected.

At the beginning, I ignored all the stuff I didn't like about him. I put it out of my head but obviously as time went on, I couldn't ignore it forever. Now I find myself rolling my eyes when he speaks, I snap at him when he iritates me, I go out much more than I should.

He has seen in the history estate agents sites I have been on and asked very casually "Are we moving? I thought you liked it around here?" so he clearly has no idea.

I think DSD does though. And yes, she will hate me.

You can't stay with someone if you are not happy.

One question- how does the sex work if your heart isn't in it- is that a "lie"? Do you have to pretend to fancy him and enjoy sex?

What are you not getting/feeling that makes you want to leave? You might not love him in the way that you want to, but in practice you might have something that is as good as many marriages.

How will your life pan out if you leave? can you afford a home of your own?
where would you live? Would you still keep in touch with him? Would he want you to?

No-one can tell you what to do- I don't think you are wrong- you hoped you might love him, in time, but you don't . I suppose I do wonder how you manage to keep up the pretence day to day. Surely he must realise?

If you want to leave, then you should, but be realistic about what your future might hold.

This is obviously a massive decision and could be a huge mistake if you don't examine the real underlying reasons for wanting to leave before you go ahead.

It sounds like your DP has taken very good care of you, loved you and made you happy in many ways. That's a lot to give up on. These things are never straightforward and you might need some support to be able to fully explore your real feelings for this man and possibly the idea of marriage -sounds like that's really scared you.

It might be useful to talk to a therapist about your expectations of what love is - physical and emotional. Many people have very messed up ideas about what marriage and love should be like, based on previous experiences and relationships, including our own parents'. I am definitely one of those - my parents split when I was 3 followed by a lot of step family weirdness and fucked up relationships with men. I would not be in a loving marriage now if I hadn't had professional help to reframe my expectations of what makes a good man. Without it, I simply wouldn't have been able to recognise DH for the star that he is and would have continued chasing a load of idiot macho men who had no idea about fatherhood, responsibility, etc. Therapy helped me recognise those things as part of what makes my DH sexy, as opposed to just good looks and bags of confidence, IYSWIM.

So my advice would be to definitely get some good counselling before you decide - through Relate, a private therapist, or through your GP. If s/he aren't helpful, try someone else until you find one you gel with. It is amazing to talk openly with another adult that who no emotional connection with you present situation and explore your situation together.

Maybe I'm projecting here but can't help thinking would be so sad if you threw it all away only to find your current DP was what you really wanted and needed all along.

You haven't got anything to lose by having counselling, because if you still decide to leave in the end, you'll probably feel a lot more confident in your decision because you've explored your feelings about him and therefore be able to move on.

I wish you the very best of luck, whichever way it goes.

BlueEyedMaid talks a lot of sense!
One piece of advice which I always think is valuable is that you should marry your best friend. And really, this man sounds like he has been all that to you and more.

I would also urge you to get counselling before making such a huge decision.

I think BLueEye was saying the same as me, but she put in a few more details.

When I said you might have already what alot ofpeople do in a marriage- and they are happy with it- I meant that you might have some starry-eyed notion of "love" and not realise that is what you already have.

However, if you really do feel that the chemisrty is not there, appreciating this man's strengths on an intellectual level will not chnage how you feel.

On the other hand, I married with my head and not my heart, not for exactly the same reasons as you, but for security and safety, with aman who loved me, and have spent a LONG time wondering whether to leave to try to find something "better". It is never an easy choice.

so for you to be in that situation.

What do you hope to get out of moving out? Are you hoping to find romance with another or are you just wanting to end the charade?

You are right, you so need to talk to your DP about this but you might not need to break up the family, depending on how much he and you care for each other, and how much you feel the need for a romantic relationship.

You say there are things you don't like about him - this goes for every relationship, including ones where the couple are in love. Are they insurmountable?

If you told him that your feelings have changed (why upset him by telling him it's all been a charade?) and that you really view him as more of a brother/best friend rather than a lover but you still care deeply for him etc. etc., could you cope with staying with him but in a different sort of relationship?

This is a totally different scenario but I will offer it up as the sort of things that some people do:
A friend's sister was married to an abusive man, a policeman as well. They had 2 DSs. He subjected her to marital rape - she divorced him (the boys were 9 and 12) but they stayed in the same house and didn't tell the boys until the younger one went to Uni (i.e. for 9 years). Them being divorced protected her from his abuses although she still had to put up with his presence, but she wanted her boys to have both parents together. This is an extreme case imo but just goes to show what some people do for their DC.

I am not suggesting for a moment that you immolate yourself on the pyres of self-sacrifice for your DC and SDD, but do think about why you want to get out and whether or not there is some halfway compromise that takes you out of the (non) romantic relationship and puts you into a more friendship-based co-parenting relationship, before you bring it all down around your ears.

I really hope you manage to find a compromise - there is a lot to be said for having a partner who cares for and about you and your DC.

The other thing I feel is that a lot of relationships start off with an explosion of fireworks and passion but gradually settle down into......well, much the same as what you have!
Is it maybe that you feel that you were cheated of the fireworks? Because they really don't ever last long.

I, too married with my head and ultimately for DD and I is has been the right decision. I really feel for you......

I think that you have to ask yourself this- would you rather be single for the rest of your life than stay with this man? If the answer is yes, then you should go and leave him to find someone who will love him wholeheartedly.

I'm not saying, obviously, that you necessarily will be single for the rest of your life- but it can be a useful tool to help you decide the strength of your feelings on various matters.

Don't beat yourself up about the whys and wherefores of how you started the relationship- as others have said, even relationships that have started with deep love have ended. You made a decision based on how your life was then. Everybody does this in one way or another.

Good luck.

That's a really sad and difficult situation for you all.

There is really only one decent thing you can do - and that is to end the relationship. No good will come of you stringing it out any longer.

Well, don't do anything too rash. And don;t whatever you do, tell him you have never loved him as that is really, unnecessarily brutal.
However, it's not compulsory to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy, and when you are thinking all this through, try to bear in mind that it's not helpful to polarise things ie you are an ungrateful bitch and he is a saint. Because it's not unusual for the man in a relationship like this to actually have a pretty good idea of what he is doing: buying a woman. He offered you a nice home, a secure life, material things in exchange for sex (and presumably domestic servicing as well). You have both got what you wanted out of the deal so far (by the sound of it this is a not-very-attractive man with not-great social skils, however kind he may be, or he wouldn't have had to coax and tempt you with nice houses etc).

SG- I think what you have posted is really cruel, and insults the OP's DP , of whom you know very little.

There is no evidence at all that this man is not nice- and you are making assumptions based on nothing.

I do not think it is fair to keep saying ( in almost all your posts) that men marry in order to get some kind of domestic help, or provide a home in order to get sex. You appear to have a cynical sense of relationships at times, which I assume is bsed on your own experiences of men, and which taints your psots- but does not actually help the OP at all.

I know men who have "dailies" and I am not talking of their DPs!! Many single men employ cleaners, ironers, internet food shop etc etc and can live quite happily on their own without having to resort to "buying" a partner either by offering her a home.

You use very emotive language; "coax" and "tempt". How do you know that was the case?

Who said this guy is not attractive? Or that he has "poor social skills"? Who said he could only find a woman by offering her a home?

We disagreeed yesterday on a similar topic; I think it is so unhelpful of you to keep reiterating this kind of mantra.

Love and sex are not commoditities to be bartered in exchange for material possessions or housework. I think that went out in the 1950s, if it really existed at all.

If the OP were to believe, as a result of your post, that her DP is unattractive, has poor social skills,only wanted her to "keep house" for him in exchange for sex, and that he could never find anyone else, due to his unattractiveness,- do you think that will make her decision easier- or harder?

I am not going to continue a dialogue here on this as it is not fair on the OP, so I won't be responding to any counter-points you post.

OP- it looks as if most of us are saying the same thing. ie Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Appreciate what you have got, don't go chasing rainbows, accept that you may never meet anyone who fulfills your romantic ideal ( unlikely, but possible),try to analyse what it is you are not getting out of this , and whether it is realistic.

Are you comparing what you have got with something you once had, or a notion of what you would like?

Make a list of what he gives you and what he doesn't give you.

Make a list of what you want out of a man/relationship.

Give the chemistry a rating out of 10. Whatever the score is- what do you need it to be, to be in a relationship?

Finally, counselling might help to clear your mind.