I did a terrible thing and am about to break a lot of hearts

[BarelyExisting]

5 years ago I was at my lowest point. I was a single mum to two kids on income support. My youngest DC was extremely hyper and I couldn't leave him in the kids club or anything which prevented me from finding work. I was stuck in a horrible, mouse infested house on a rough estate, kids and teens in my garden every night, used condoms near my front door in a morning. I couldn't put anything in my garden if I wanted to see it there the following day. I would spend hours cleaning up all the rubbish from my front garden and the next day it would be worse. It was a never ending battle.

I was so low. I would take the kids to school every morning, trudge home through an area I hated. Stayed all day in a house I hated, walk back to school, back home ... day after day after day

Then I met a lovely man. He was low on confidence as was I and we just kind of gelled. If I'm honest now, there was never any physical attraction there on my side, although I denied this even to myself at the time because I just enjoyed being with someone and I enjoyed HIS company.

I held off taking things much further because I think deep down, I knew there was nothing there but he desperately wanted me to move in with him. He would dangle things in front of me like "You wouldn't have to clear the garden every day here, people don't throw rubbish in gardens here". "The kids would be able to play out in summer here, a nice BBQ, the pool on the grass, tampoline ... " (this was something I'd always dreamed of for my kids but could never have because of the area I was in) "If you moved in here, you could find work, we could share the childcare between us ... "
"If you move in here, you DC won't have to go to that secondary (worst one in the city, happened to be my catchment) and instead they would go here (one of the best in the city, in his catchment).

Basically he painted an idealic picture of family life. A garden the kids could be free in, weekends away, spare money to buy luxuries (no matter how small), the ability to work, a good school for my DC's ...

I KNEW all along I did not love him in that way. I know that now although I would not admit that to myself at the time. I loved him as a friend, not as a lover. But I decided to put myself and my kids first and I moved in with him. It completely changed our lives for the better and I will always be grateful to him.

Now 4 years on, I am working full time. My kids are both in a good school. My confidence is good, I am happy. I know I could manage by myself now. I have the ability to privately rent a house in a good area.

I feel I should now break free from him. Yes I know it seems like "now I have everything I need from him, I can leave him" and I suppose it is a bit like that but when I moved in here, I didn't mean for it to be like this. I assumed I would learn to love him. I didn't think I would ever want to leave as I thought so much about him. I didn't think I'd care that I didn't fancy him or love him in that way, because he would still be my best friend. But I can't carry on like this.

I love his DD to bits and she is going to be so cut up she has no contact with her birth mother and always introduces me as her mum to her friends. DP will be gutted, beyond gutted really as I know he is planning to propose to me.

I can't believe this has turned into such a mess, I was such a selfish cow and now I'm going to break the hearts of everyone I care about. I just didn't realise at the start that this would happen.

I just don't know what to do next. To soften the blow, should I just stay until the kids leave home?

Please be gentle, I know I am the cause of this and I am 100% in the wrong. I can barely look at the people I live with knowing what I've done and what I'm about to do to them. I just need some advice. I already know what I am.

Thank you.

HTTM: What a surprise, here you are again, whining on about how wonderful all relationships are and how women should put up with everything men do to them. Have you actually read the OP's post?

Not getting involved in the spat between HTTM and SG, but I do think that it is so, so sad to settle so early on in life for someone you do not find physically attractive - and I am horrified that people are seriously suggesting you do this!

Of course it is not realistic to think that you will be sailing into the sunset with some sort of Love God, but to resign yourself to living with a man who you do not find attractive? For what? Security? I thought that went out in the 1950s! Madness.

SG- maybe you should read what I have written, not what you think/want to believe I have written. If you would like to point out to me the lines where I said all relationships are wonderful- or even implied that, that would be a good start.

HTTM: THis is what the op said.

"He desperately wanted me to move in with him. He would dangle things in front of me like "You wouldn't have to clear the garden every day here, people don't throw rubbish in gardens here". "The kids would be able to play out in summer here, a nice BBQ, the pool on the grass, tampoline ... " (this was something I'd always dreamed of for my kids but could never have because of the area I was in) "If you moved in here, you could find work, we could share the childcare between us ... "
"If you move in here, you DC won't have to go to that secondary (worst one in the city, happened to be my catchment) and instead they would go here (one of the best in the city, in his catchment).

Basically he painted an idealic picture of family life. A garden the kids could be free in, weekends away, spare money to buy luxuries (no matter how small), the ability to work, a good school for my DC's ... "

How is this not coaxing and tempting her with a better lifestyle? I am not actually saying it's wrong: a bargain which benefits both people is a fair bargain.
But when it gets to the point where the OP is unhappy and feeling trapped and quite aware that she doesn;t feel able to fulfill her end of the bargain any more (regular sex being probably the key issue here) then something needs to change. But I fail to see how it's helpful to tell her to suck it up because he's such a 'nice' man when it's possible and even likely that he knew what kind of a bargain he was making.

ARE you really unhappy, or are you just "not passionately in love"?

Can you try and distinguish the two?

What you describe to me seems to be on a different level, the calm (but no so passionate) love that you feel for a good longstanding partner.

So, you never had the flutter of first passionate "in love" feeling with him. But, maybe you were expecting too much? Maybe you expected to fall passionately in love with him, whereas instead your feelings deepend to the level of long term commitment and care without ever going into that phase?

I think you should try relate first and not do anything rash, because it could be that you break up your family, and realize afterwards that you loved him more than you thought.

Whatever you do, dont tell this nice and good man that you never loved him. That is brutal and uneccesary.

SG, crikey you do have an odd and deeply cynical view of male motivations in relationships.

Maybe, just maybe, in offering the OP a happy family life he wasn't doing it as some kind of quid-pro-quo for regular sex.

Maybe, just maybe, he was doing it because he loved the OP and (ill-advisedly, as it turned out) believed her when she said she loved him. Maybe he realised that the OP was unhappy where she was and he simply wanted to make the OP, the woman he loved, happier. Or are blokes not allowed to be altruistic to people they love in your world?

To the OP, if the relationship you're in is making you unhappy and you have no desire or hope that can ever change, then the best thing you can do is to leave. At the very least, though, do try to learn something from this experience and do try to treat this man with some dignity and respect.

"But I fail to see how it's helpful to tell her to suck it up because he's such a 'nice' man when it's possible and even likely that he knew what kind of a bargain he was making."

SG- quoted your words above- sorry, but you must be confusing me with another poster- I didn't say any of that and it doesn't bear any resemblance to anything I have suggested.

If you were this bloke and you knew that your partner had never been physically attracted to you, wasn't physically attracted to you now and was deeply, deeply unsure about how she felt about you (and always had been, really), what would your advice be?

I honestly think, in the nicest possible way, that you should cut yourself (and him) free. Don't be left with a load of resentment and 'what could have beens'.

Can you explain what it is you don't like about him? what it is that gets your eyes rolling?

Is there any chance you have unrealistic expectations of what love and a life together is? or is there any chance that deep down you think you don't deserve this life that you have built together (and you have put in a lot of work to this relationship - it is not all about what he has given you)

I did the same thing.

I was a single parent. Living on a crummy council estate. Met a man,who promised me and my DD the world. I thought he loved me ( he did). I thought I loved him. Enough anyway, for us to be happy. He was so soo looking, kind, loving I ignored my instincts that he didn't feel 'right'. He bought a huge house for us- and our future kids. I dreamt of having them too. He loved me, probably more than anyone I've ever met. He 'gave' me my perfect picture of man, house, family.

Then I moved in and KNEW all along I never loved him properly. I tried so hard, as my DD did by then. But he bored me, he wasn't right ( sounds trite but such a big thing). I had no physical desire whatsoever in the end. I had hoped it would, I tried SO hard.

You cannot love someone who you do not love. Relationships are hard enough as they are. Just get out, don't look back. Carry on seeing your step DD if you mean it, be kind to her, but don't look back. Life is too short.

I have escaped properly and am on my own again. I have no idea what the future holds. But feel so so much happier.

Good luck.

hmmmmm... i think relate would be a good idea here too.

bit of a grass is greener case.

op - what will you gain from leaving??if your looking to be on your own then thats possibly a fairly happy outcome. but tbh if your looking for a decent fella. sounds like you already have one.

look at whats he's done for you already. he's already proved he'll be there through thick and thin.

give it a chance with relate. surely after what you've come from you can give him the chance.

It is possibly something in your mind that's stopping you loving him - ie something deep down that means you can't get attached because you don't feel you 6deserve^ him, maybe or similar - in which case maybe some counselling would help you work it out and stop feeling so guilty.

I say this because I was with a gorgeous lovely guy when I was about 20, who treated me well and was brilliant - but I stopped myself feeling love for him because I was scared, and thought he was wayyyy too good for me.

In the end I drove him away and have never found anyone so nice again.

It was me being screwed up that meant I couldn't accept someone genuinely lovely and good. I still regret it and the heartache I caused him in the process.

What I'm trying to say is you are really overthinking , like I was - feeling so guilty and mixed up is classic deporession and low self esteem and doesn't mean you don't love him, necessarily.
You sound really confused and I would really urge you to speak to someone privately, I mean through your GP if you can, they often know how to get you into counselling - or relate if you can manage it on your own.

Before you start the process of upsetting everyone who loves you.

I think you need to make double sure this isn't just your subconscious telling you not to be happy, before you do anything for real.

Good luck and remember nothing awful will hap[pen if you keep schtum for now and just let it be, until you know what you really feel and want. You have the chance to make sure it's the right thing. The risk of leaving them, undoing a family, etc is too great to just throw it out into the open without making sure.

I understand how worried you are - honestly I do. But it sounds like it's an internal battle and not really about them iyswim?

Take care xx

Sorry for typos, ds2 is clambering on me, arghh

flight - i was thinking that too.

Think I'm repeating Blueeyedmaid's post pretty much, on further reading