partner spat in my face and called me a c**t

[missylea]

Hi first time on mumsnet but needed some support and advice on staying strong for myself and my children.
I have 2 children from previous marriage and met which i thought was a wonderful guy and had whirlwind romance and fell pregnant 3 months into the relationship.
He was not emotionally supportive towards me during the pregnancy as i suffered pre natal depression and he just couldnt understand why i was depressed.
To cut a long story short we have been on and off now for months and at xmas eve we had argument and he came and kicked my front door and said he was taking our baby. I rang the police and had him arrested. From xmas eve we havent really been back on but he had said that he wants things to work but he is the most grumpest and moodest person i know and he actually brings my mood down where i have to take diazapan when im in his company most of the time.
The other day we had family outing which is rare as doesnt treat my other 2 children fairly so again atmosphere. He came back to my home and started arguing in front of my children. I started arguing back with him and he spat in my face and called me a c**t. I was so shocked and disapointed i locked myself in toilet so children wouldnt see me cry.As this is the second time around for me I really wanted this to work but he is so threatening with the things that he says. He makes me feel horrible as he says i have 2 children with my ex husband and now one with him as he knows i never wanted this to happen again. I told him i never wanted to speak to him ever again as this was the most disgusting and disrespectful thing you can do on someone!
Please just looking for some support and words of wisdom about starting living on my own again with my children. I have already been through a divorce and i am lucky i have my own home so dont need to worry about findind somewhere else to live and uproot my children.

missylea, can I just ask you why you are telling us more of what he says - are you wanting us to refute each thing (no problem) or are you almost pleading with us to see why you are still listening to him?

You might fancy the pants off him but believe me that is no basis for staying with him or having any further relationship with him. The worst relationship of my life was with someone with whom I had the best sexlife - he was also a lying manipulative cheating thief. Of COURSE they have charm and skills - that's how they get to BE lying cheating manpipulative bastards because they DO have a good veneer.

There IS nothing to appreciate with this "relationship" and the only life you will have with him is one of misery and down-trodden doormatness.

btw a friend of mine was in an abusive relationship with a man who said things like that about how attractive he was - he would tell her about how he'd been to a nightclub and had loads of girls after him, how his ex had got in touch and wanted him back, how all the girls at work thought he was so hit blah de blah. The very same man would check her phone to make sure she wasn't texting any male friends! She finally left him. He was desperate to get her back. Why? If he was so fucking hot and in demand he could have had anyone he wanted! And he clearly didn't love her or he wouldn't have treated her like shit. No, he was upset because he couldn't bear rejection or any suggestion that he wasn't the greatest person ever. NOT a good catch!

Think about it. Why would a man need to say that stuff? There is an agenda - he's a baby inside and needs constant propping up, and he needs to undermine you, scare you and make you feel like shit so that he feels secure that you won't leave. This is not a relationship, it's you being manipulated into meeting someone's sick needs.

muffle speaks great sense. He is feeding off you and trying to undermine your own level of (in)security so that you have to stay with him and then he will have you under his control for as long as he chooses - which is when he will dump you for someone else, but will keep coming back to you to keep you on that string.

I havnt read the whole thread, but just wanted to say that missingtheaction your reply was spot on and made even me feel confident that I would be able to live on my own if I was in such situation.

missylea I hope that you can stay strong and see through the words of an ugly heart!
He will say whatever he can to 'keep' you and will try to make you feel 'lucky' to have him, hes a manipulator!(sp?)

All I want to add is that if you are concerned he will hassle you and the kids have a look at this website www.NCDV.org.uk. They are a charity whose soul purpose is to assist victims of violence (I'd say spitting in the face is a violent act) obtain injunctions. It is a free service and they can get the necessary paperwork in place within 24 hours.

You don't appreciate what you've got with him

Yes you've got a manipulative bully. he has already started wearing you down by blaming any behaviour you don't like on YOU (you push him and push him) and then threatening you with worse (he said I got off mildly).

He can give you a good life - if you accept being an abused doormat and let him control you totally.

just slam the door in his face next time he comes. I said on another thread the other day that the men who make the biggest fuss about falling in love far too early are the ones who turn out all control freaky.

Just accept that he gave you a lovely child but that there can be no relationship with him because he is a shit.

If you feel yourself weakening then get on here quick and we'll all help you to be strong enough to tell him to get lost.

spitting in your face is assault and you should have called the police for it. They would have charged him with assault - they charged my bro for assault merely for grasping his ex's coat lapels.

If he EVER does anything like that again call the police. Not that he will get the chance, will he. Cos you're not going to take him back again, are you.

no not going to take him back, i have more respect for myself than that but just need to stay strong. He knows im an emotional person and saying things like that cut me to the bone.
Thank you so much for all you great advice and support it makes me feel alot stronger now than ever!
The thing is the only friend i have is his sister and he treats her like shit too but at the end of the day that is still her brother and he has already asked her once to choose between him or me!!! I dont want to lose her to as we really get on well.

He will try to use that against you and against his DS. Don't let him. I hope you can recover your friendship with his sister at some point but what matters right now is you and your kids, your lives and your self-respect and dignity which you are clawing back now you are away from this terrible man. Look how strong you are!! When you feel him trying to sap that strength away as he has done so many times in the past, jump straight on here to be reminded that you are worth so much more than someone like him.

Missylea please read the Emotional Abuse thread where you will find more support if you need it. Good for you for kicking this loser out of your life.

(angry) He keeps texting me asking to speak with me about ds. I have told him i didnt want to speak to him and any communication can be done through texting. He said it wasnt about us but about arrangements for our ds. As much as i am angry at him he is just as angry with me (angry) WHAT!!!! He said he will pay me £40 per week for ds and the arrangement before was that he would provide nappies, food, wipes etc. I told him i would prefer him to given my ds an extra £10 so i would not have to ask him for these things for my baby. He wanted me to justify what i would be spending the £40 on and told me that was enought. Am i being unrealistic??and should i just settled for the £40 and let him run on??!!! He wants to keep ds at weekends but said some saturdays that he might not be able to as he will be going away but i told him that was his responsibility as was it mine when i have my ds during the week. Starting to question myself now...Think i am right in what im saying to him but again he has a way of manipulating so dont know

this is about the most hurtful thing someone can do to you in my opinion, I am so sorry. You must be really shaken

I know people on MN are often too quick to say "get rid of him" but in this case you really do need to. Please don't let his nasty bile-filled words shake your confidence in yourself - he is WRONG, everyone here has told you so and you know it too. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

I have had the same experience, only it was my mother, but not much nicer. I know how low it makes you feel.

Keep posting, there's lots of support here for you xx

thank you evergreen, Im sorry u had to go through the same thing especially with it being your mother. I am shaken but suprisingly feel quite strong as i know i didnt deserve it. (hope it lasts) It makes me sick that he is not in anyway remorseful and still insisting on saying that he is just as angry with me and that the feeling is mutual between us and that i dont mean anything to him anymore!!!
I just keep going over in incident in my head and am still quite shocked. The best about it too was that he spat on me in front of his sister and her little girl! When she confronted him he just told her to f**k up!!

why don't you consider setting up formal access arrangements through a solicitor? I wouldn't give him the opportunity of messing me about they way he is with you at the moment. He is probably annoyed that he is not getting away with what he did and will use any opportunity he can to get at you.

Set your terms and tell him either he sticks to it or gets a lawyer! And tell him you will report him to the police for what he did (you have a witness) - if he is in a caring profession that will not be good for his career!

you are right mrsboogie. I dont work as i left my job after 16 years when i found out i was pregnant so im on income support.
Do you think i am asking for too much or is this reasonable?
I really dont think he would care if i rang the police as the last time when i did he told me did i think the police was gonna stop him if he wanted ds.
Your right he is annoyed cause thats he way when he gets annoyed is to try and hurt me as much as he can.
I really dont know if his sister would say anything cause at the end of the day she doesnt want to be in the middle and that is her brother, which to some extent has hurt me a little too cause she is a lone parent and i've been really really good to her and her dd, i just thought she would of stuck up for me more but he told her to get into the car and she did.

He is very nasty man. Havnt read all of this thread but know the type of man and think you must must must leave this man. You will find someone who treats you nicely.. You do not deserve to be spat at. This man is a vulgar angry git who deserves to be walked away from and left to rot. Stay strong, and keep away. Know its hard with a kid of his but they need a man who treats you well. best of luck. x

I'll say this again, be really careful. Are you sure you want him having sole charge of your baby at weekends? With the things he has done and the fact that you have already called the police on him (when he kicked your door and threatened to take your baby), you are in a strong position to get the police and courts involved to make sure he cannot have unsupervised access. I wouldn't want a man with a violent temper like his looking after any child, and I don't think he should be allowed to.

"thats he way when he gets annoyed is to try and hurt me as much as he can." This is really worrying me.

missylea - please see a solicitor about the contact with your baby. At the moment he is assuming you will give in and go back to him, but at the point when he realises this is not the case, he is going to have to find something else to hurt you. Your baby will be it.

If he is going to have unsupervised contact then you need to have arrangements in place for hand over.My DH's ex made this a misery for him and DSS's (shouting, swearing,throwing things at him) for months before agreement was made for a relative to do it.

Also, would not make it every weekend, as once this arrangement is in place it's harder to change and once she's at nursery or school this leaves you with little quality time with her.If he wants to spend time with her he'll be happy to do every other weekend and a night in the week.

Stay strong, things may well be worse before they are better, especially when he realises that this is the end. There is always support on here for you and your DC's (who also deserve better than having this moron for a stepdad ).

Contact Women's Aid or some other domestic violence support organisation, get a family law solicitor, tell him it's supervised access or none. Get everything done through official channels. He's full of shit when he says the police can't stop him - they can and they will and if he continues to abuse you he will be LOCKED UP. Do NOT allow him unsupervised access to your children. He will neglect them at the very least nd there is a possibility that he is the sort of man who will hurt them to 'punish' you.

he will never see my 2ds from previous marriage again but to be fair that is the only time i ever see him in happy form is when he is with our ds. everything has to be done to perfection though with our ds. He needs to know everything about him when his last feed was, what time has he slept to and how was he during the night. He doesnt like anyone else really looking after him as he thinks no one can do it like him. He even questions me on things when i already have 2 children and this is his first!!!!
I will definitely go to solicitor and get something in writing about access to ds about days and times etc.
The only thing he has on me is that i am on income support and he is paying 40 a week into my bank account and income support only let you keep the first 20 so he could tell them.
Oh i have already got the text that he is sorry for what he did and no matter how angry he was at me it did not justify what he did. deleted!!!!!!!!!
He rang 3times and i didnt answer the phone. As i am friends with his sister he then decided to ring her and tell her that he would never hurt me and he is just sorry things hadnt worked out between us and that he wouldnt hold any grunges against me.. is he having a fucking laugh or what??? he obviously knew she would tell me this as i wouldnt answer the phone to listen to his bullshit.

I'm sorry missylea but men who do harm their DC to get back at their exes are often devoted dads. (And what you describe goes beyond devoted, it's actually controlling and obsessive.) What worries me is that he will be keen to hurt you and he has already shown that he has no off switch when it comes to unreasonable behaviour. Plus, he has been abusive, threatening and has assaulted you - I just couldn't let someone like that look after a baby for a second. You may think he treats your DS well but he has abused you in front of him - that is appalling and abusive to DS, not just to you. And, when he realises your relationship is over he will feel like he has nothing to lose. I'm really sorry if I'm overreacting and I don't want to upset you but do think about this - he sounds dangerous to me.

Please tell the police and solicitor everything you've told us.

He SPAT in your face?

What a nob. I know where you are coming from with the thing about having DC's with different men, i too felt like this and allowed my ExP to find out and use it, he did, for ten years.. the worst ten years of my life and a complete waste

You want a shoulder to cry on, support, words to bolster you and encourage you through a wobble...you will get it here. 100%

I know because i have.
I have had someone spit in my face and it stops you dead in your tracks, its disgusting.

BUT.....he has given you a lovely baby and for that you should be grateful and be kissing his arse and worshipping his every movement and be TOTALLY ashamed of yourself for letting go of the 'good life' he could have given you..

Bah what an ARSEHOLE

The good thing he has done is bugger off and leave you to be free to find someone who will treat you with nothing but love and respect.

Don't jump into another relationship though cos as with me at the mo, we are going to be vulnerable to all the blokes with victim antennae...you kind of are when you are fragile.
A sitting target.

Anyway. He may be good looking, so was my DP, but he is ugly on the inside where it matters.. He will never be happy for the rest of his life he will regret..maybe he won't realise till later on, but he WILL .. realise soon what he has let go of.
He doesn't deserve you, or your love.. i have been told that dozens of times and now i have come finally to accept it, its TRUE..

And you don't deserve his crap. Well done for getting rid.

Ps everyones posts have been spot on but muffles are the ones for me...very well put and bang on.

Yes, he is very mistaken if he thinks the police won't intervene - the fact that claims of assault have been made against him will not go in his favour.

If I was in your position everything would go through official channels from now on. Tell the DSS that he is giving you the £40, get a solicitor and make one of those reports of domestic abuse that isn't necessarily taken further.

The others are right that it isn't a good idea to leave him alone with your child - he will use him against you as this is the only weapon left to him now. I don't know much about supervised access but you could look into it.

Thank you stercus i've actually been reading your thread and you have had me in stitches. You are really strong and you do sound similar to myself as there is a big age gap between my two sons and my baby. How do we attract such wankers!
I think i have been put off men for life now and he made me feel who would want me now that i have kids to two different men. Even though every single one of my exs would near give their right arm to be back with me!! In fact i even got a text 2 weeks ago outta the blue from an ex i hadnt spoke to in 2 years asking how i was and was i single..
I know i am a good looking girl but he has really knocked my confidence in myself but need time to myself to build it up again and i also know that there are alot of wankers out there so dont wanna be falling into the same trap again. (thought being older i was wiser obviously not)
WE WILL get through this and come out better people for it!!
Thanks xx