Anyone else come back from their in-laws feeling as if they are going to explode?

[Legacy]

I did. And I'm sorry, but I need to vent it here, because it won't help my relationship with DH if I vent to him (I've done that before... )

We only went on Sunday, but I really felt as if I would have bitten someone's head off if I'd had to stay a moment longer...

• MIL complaining about some 'coloured men' who mugged someone in the local park

• the constant force-feeding of our kids chocolate, biscuits, cake, and other general crap, and then the raised eyebrows when they start getting boisterous

• FIL always saying how 'lovely' it is to have 'the family round the table' and then completely ignoring me and the kids

• MIL saying things to me like "I imagine you'll want to get the kids ready for bed" and me replying, "er no, DH can manage that on his own (it was his turn)" and her replying "oh really, how strange..."

• SIL letting her bad-mannered daughter finger all the food until she finds what she wants

-SIL insisting that our kids just had to have an ice cream when we were out despite me pointing out that they'd already had quite enough junk food for the day

• MIL asking if teachers were all still 'Miss' and unmarried these days, and when I laughed and said of course not, said, "Oh I do feel sorry for them, I have no idea how they can work, do their housework and look after the family whilst working full-time" (clearly a jibe at me, since I work nearly full-time, although not as a teacher...)

• FIL, MIL and DH walking about 15 metres ahead of us for 1.5 hours when we went for a walk, leaving me completely to marshall, cajole and stop the kids falling in the river.

• FIL 'sitting' me at the end of the table at any meal, saying "I expect you'll want to keep an eye on the kids..."

-MIL telling DH how well he has raised the children, as they sit quietly at the table playing with the games and activities I've made sure we bring to entertain them throughout yet another long boring meal...

• FIL asking me if "my little job" was "keeping me busy" (I run my own consultancy in school hours/evenings, and had a turnover of £150K last year.... )

AND PROBABLY WORST OF ALL...

-DH letting all of this waft over him, lapping up the perfect father comments, not supporting me in the slightest at any point, and getting angry if I dare to suggest that his parents are being even the teensiest racist/ sexist/rude/unwelcoming etc.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!

God Legacy, sounds hideous.

How about "there aren't any tigers in Africa, dear FIL, and isn't it weird that you never got very good at running away from all the people you wind up by being a racist cock?"

This thread is making me chuckle.

ooh an inlaws thread, can i join in.
When my OLs come round we all sit in the living room, then dd will go into the playroom and start drawing so dp follows her, then FOL follows on, then i get up to follow (there are plenty of comfy chairs in there) and MOL says oh i want to stay in here and watch Corrie so i feel rude leaving her so get stuck watching tv on my own with her and she talks all the way through about the characters (i dont even watch it normally) and makes rascist comments about the man in the shop.
If FOL and dp are talking MOL will ask me if i like her coat from a charity shop, like we arent allowed to join in the mens conversation.
If football is on they make comments about too many black players and laugh at their names.
if i ask them if they want a drink MOL will say i will have a sherry and FOL says il have a whisky so now i ask do they want a cuppa. i poured MOL a small sherry and she said thats a small one so i told her it was the last of a bottle. the next week she asked for a sherry i told her she drank the last of it and she said didnt you get another bottle from the shops? we dont drink sherry but she expects a constant supply.

oh and MOL still calls me DPs ex name even though i have been with him over 7 years.

The only time I escape a weekly visit from my in laws is when we go on holiday abroad, only they've now decided they are going to join us on our next one. I've told my DP over my dead body NO.

ilovetochat - it is polite to get in a drink if a regular guest likes it. I don't drink sherry either but always have a bottle in because my granny likes a glass when she comes. Not saying you ought to, just that it wouldn't be particularly odd if you did.

I am ready to kill MIL after 3 days. BUT FIL gets baileys for me when we visit, pours me huge glasses because he knows I like it! (I don't really but it means I don't kill her).

Best way to cope with irritating relatives is to get mildly pissed.It numbs the pain.

legacy
They sound just like mine
When the DC are well behaved MIL says has`nt her son done a great job

FIL talks to dn about money investements when I try and join in he says "how do you know you don`t work"
I try and point out DHs money is mine tooooo

MIL goes on how everything ,the house ,car even the kids are DHs
We were out once just MIL me and the DC and she introuced the dc to her friend as DHs
I just piped up yes I was just the incubator

They do my HEAD IN and I just sit in the corner and drink wine
She then comments you drink a lot
only when I am with you PIL

I had to put my boot down! My pils tell you how wonderful their decor is then come to yours and criticise freely - decor, parenting, cooking, bed (they sleep in my bed!!!) etc... I managed to point out that I wasn't being unfair when dh told me how generous Pils were buying the kids toys - I showed him my receipts for them! He assumed because they'd picked up toys on our shopping trip they'd paid for them . . . or the dress for my dd. Did they really think I'd leave it until the afternoon of the meal to buy her something to wear, I just dressed her in my dress and when speared " Where's her new dress then" I sweetly replied it was too good , saving it for a really special occasion" DH has agreed they will stay at a Travel Lodge next visit . . . Yeah ! ! ! Go Legacy, you can do it!

We live 15 min drive from my (widowed) MIL.

Her 2 DD's (and repective DH's and DCs) live 1.5 hrs and 4 hrs away.

I have no family (apart from DH and DCS) so resent being chief cook and bootle washer to a woman who has been downright rude to me for 20 yrs - but always in a polite and sweet RP tone, so one could miss it if not listening carefully, well DH certainly seems to.

She thinks I am a poor wife as my DH does not have a drawing room of his own to retire to for peace and quiet, where he may ring a bell to summon me to bring him a coffee!! and her an Oxbridge graduate also I expect him to help me with the children (instead of packing them off to board at 7 like she did).

I now treat Sunday afternoon visits to her as my afternoon off - DH takes them and I have a bath or do gardening mnetting.

I only met my MIL once. FIL died many years ago. She spent a lot of time talking about my DH's ex wife and the last time she saw her etc and showed a mild interest in dd. She did ask for a photo for the "collection" but otherwise looked a bit bemused. We won't be rushing back.

PS my Nan does the "coloured" thing and mentions all the Al Qaeda lot that live round the corner, and gives dd loads of crap food. I just ignore her.

I suffered through most of the above incidents that you lot have posted plus I gave up my own bed (small house) so PIL could sleep in comfort!

Oh but I did tell FIL to stop talking over me! Plus I told him off for stomping up the stairs and waking DD up from her afternoon nap. I've already had a go at FIL for being racist before - he thinks it's a 'joke' tho'.

Also they never tell the kids they love them and only seem to enjoy talking about their misdemeanours. DD (16 mnths) will 'never be a ballet dancer' apparently because of her chunky thighs. All of which would be ok if MIL would occasionally say something complimentary.

Daisydreams I just noticed that you also give up your own bed, it really rubs salt in the wounds doesnt it?

Thing is, I don't think my ILs mean to be rude/racist/boring etc but there are some things I really feel I just can't sit back and let them say, and I feel as if DH is being deeply disloyal by not backing me up/ siding with me, at least on some occasions.

The ILs are so proud of their DGC, but clearly I haven't had any input into their upbringing at all .

The other thing is that they seem soooooooooooo into the family thing (which basically seems to revolve around FIL presiding over the head of the table, surveying his perfect children and grandchildren.) I'm just not into it "just for the sake of it" in a big way, unless you genuinely get on with the other members.

My SILs are both carbon copies of MIL - even down to the same irritating laugh. They're all pretty opinionated and narrow-minded about race, sexuality, gender equality etc.

One SIL's DH is an alcoholic - perhaps this is his way of avoiding it all!!

MIl talks incessantly about her bowel movements
she also pretends she's given up smoking when we all know she hasn't

I used to know that 'going to explode' feeling after visiting the ILs! I had 12 years of IL hissy fits (including one when we said we were getting engaged and during their last one in 2000, FIL stood at the bottom of our stairs and shouted abuse up at me), had abuse from MIL over the phone, been ignored, been left out of photos, listened to their rascist language (they used the N word in front of DDs once), all the while having a DH that danced around them to keep them happy and expecting me to put up with their sh!tty behaviour.
My last few visits to their house 5+ years ago, had me being ignored at the start of the visit and then sitting by myself for 1-1.5 hours while they sat in another room with DH and DDs.
I stopped visiting when DH said to me during a row about his parents visiting, "Husbands and wives don't stick up for each other if it's going to upset families". I quit visiting there and then, and will never visit again. DH visits when he likes now and they visit us once a year at Christmas time, and I barely tolerate that!

Its the bloody fake posing for photos so FIL can 'show off' that he has GC. (same vein as your 'surveying' Legacy). FIL doesnt even like kids! Personally I dont mind the cakes, chocs and ice cream 'cos the kids don't see the GPs much and it is a form of 'spoiling'. Just wish there was more real interaction and affection from the GPs.

In some ways I would mind less if I could actually argue with them properly about things like the racist comments, or the differing views about the role of a good wife and mother but in reality it's all veiled with this pathetic politeness, and pursed lips or sotto voce 'tuts' or sharp intakes of breath and "I see..." when there is something they disagree with.

DH tells me not to get so worked up about it, but then he's not the one who has to suffer in silence through it...

I have to say Petunia the situation you describe would never happen to me because MIL is a 'perfect hostess'. You have handled the situation absolutely correctly. Well done.

Legacy yep oh so bloody stiff upper lip ...

izy - oh gawd, yes... the photos too...

The ILs favourite photo of DH & I's wedding is one with MIL/FIL/ SILs x2 + DH i.e. I'm not in it! When I pointed out that it wasn't therefore, technically, of DH&I's wedding, MIL said "Oh yes, but in the one with you in my hair looked a bit strange..."

They still don't have a single photo of me in the house on display anywhere....

izyboy, the last time they (ever will!) visited mil picked up my 'bought specially for their visit' bedroom cushions,(fil has a medical condition and needs propped up, ahem), between forefinger and thumb and asked 'what am I to do with these? Put them on the floor?'I restrained myself from saying where she could shove them and I'd help her!
Generally though, reading this, I was thinking that they are not racist and then I remembered their various comments about how good their country is compared to mine . . .
Then there was the time they told us what they were cooking for tea - in our house! The kids don't like the dish and at long last dh told them, NO!