Think we have come to the end of the road

[Eve34]

I think this is a self absored ramble, so apologies, just want to write it down and see it in black and white.

Apologies for spelling etc.

Been with DP for 5 years. Ds is 2.5 I have/had PND. It was like a switch I just stopped functioning. DP has stood by me. I am on 40mg citalapram a day. It makes me very tired, all i want to do is sleep.

I work 2 part time jobs and do everything around the house.

DP is in the navy, although has been shore based most of the time, he has an active social life and hobbies.

I know i have been difficult to be with, but I have been so much better this year, i believed we were getting back on track.

He said last night, that it is clear i have no feelings for him, and he can't see a future for us. I am speechless.

He is right i have no emotions at all for anyone. That is terrible, felt it was due to the medication. It is not just him, it is everyone. I am loyal, kind and supportive. we have an active sex life, although it is an effort on my part, i know it is important.

I resent the fact that me and ds come secong to his life - although he thinks not - he says he needs his space and down time. He fishes for 12-14 hours each saturday. he is really untidy, does nothing to help out at home and i have exhusted my self asking for him to do anything, it gets ignored, even though I have explain that it helps me emotionally to have some sort of order at home.

He says i need to get out more, i rather do family stuff, as if i do anything it would be a sunday - and our son would miss out in my opinion. I do have some me time, but struggle emotionally away from where i feel safe.

I have issues I know, I am sure counselling, would help - how do I go about it.

What do I tell DP I want us to be together, I am sure we can work through this, but i need him on side for a bit longer rather than adding to the stresses I have.

Many thanks for getting to the end. x

I tried citalapram for a very short time. I think to function as well as you do while taking it is amazing, it knocked me for six. Could you see your gp again and ask him to adjust the medication I think there are other options taht don't make you feel so tired?

and you don't sound in the least self absorbed or rambling btw

Bless you thank you. Just so sad we seem to come to a cross roads and he has given up on us. x Will see gp next week.

Eve34 - Although you say your dh has stood by you, is it possible that all this is not just down to you/your fault? Lack of support can be a big issue in PND. And it seems sad that he has suggested separating rather than counselling as a first step. Agree that different medication might be good but have you had any counselling to get to the heart of why you are still depressed?

If you do separate, please don't leave this realtionship thinking that you are to blame. surely it takes two to make a relationship work. You clearly are taking all the responsibility for things coming to this, because you have been depressed. But surely there must be underlying issues, shared by both of you, which cause your depression to have continued this long?

I think you are bloody marvellous! You have 2 jobs, a child of 2 and a DP who sounds completely lazy and self-absorbed?

I agree with the others that you should consult your GP about your meds etc.

He/she might also refer you for counselling.

In the meantime, maybe you can get your DP to agree to his share of the chores? Write a list and then sit down with him and discuss.

Do you HAVe to have 2 jobs? could you afford a cleaner for 2 hrs a week to help you?

YOU also need some time for yourself- can you agree to one night out a week for you- maybe yoga, keep fit, swimming...whatever you like- and some time on your own at a weekend?

Recent studies have shown that exercise can help depression as much as meds- don't want to sound flippant, but it might help if you can find something you enjoy like that and completely switch off home/family.

Thank you for the advice and kind words, I have issues with my self esteem, weight etc, know that exercise would give me the kick start I need, so shall look into a local class.

I work 3 days a week and NVQ assess around everything else - NVQ will not be repeated next year. I can't fit it in. The extra money is nice though.

DS is going to grannie for a few days so we will have some time together. Just need to find the right words, i don't want to 'blame' him, but he doesn't see how the things he does, or doesn't do affect me.

You are supposed to be a partnership, and he does sound very unsupportive. You juggle two jobs and a home, and a child. He does his job, then a whole day of leisure on the saturday, yet he complains you dont have time for yourself? When? Who is looking after the child while he luxuriates with fishing?

What do you do on sundays?

He needs a dose of "grow the fuck up". YOU dodnt need councelling, but you DO need couples councelling.

He cant just give up on you, he needs to take some responsibility for the fact that he might be a contributing cause to your depression.

He does not want a depressed wife? Then he needs to change.

I am not trying to be flippant, but pills mask how you feel, but they are not taking away the cause of your depression. You might be better off taking charge of your life, get your dh on board and change your circumstances. See your gp about councelling and changing your meds, but meanwhile book an appointment with Relate. Start going yourself if your dh does not want to come with you.

Thank you, we do have these chats from time ti time and like all men, he comes on board anf starts off ok, but soon goes back to his ways.

It is an on going battle about 'his' time, he says I have 2 days off - the days I don't work to do what I want.....with a 2 year old yeah right!

At least he now recognises that we need to get 'us' back on track and hopefully is prepared to work together.

Will contact relate and dis cuss ti with him.

Thank you again x

It is hard to have "me time" and chill a little when you have children. I guess you also have them at the weekend?

If he thinks it is time off when you are with your two year old, then surely, if he spends the day with your two year old on sunday, it is still his day off??

Try let him do that, and see how hard work it can be.

Is there any chance that you can let your two year old stay at nursery for a half day on your "day off" so you can get some time?

good, it is sounding promising.
lol at childcare being a 'day off'. For goodness sake. My ex used to be like this too - he has just had them for a week had four other grown ups staying for backup and still had aged by five years by time he handed them back
hope you have some nice time together

Things have moved on, he moved out this morning, and has not been on touch today, not even to say good night to his son.

WE have talked, I have explained how I feel and that we should work together and that our son should be our first priority.

We went out last night to talk, he said he was going and wasn't sure when he is coming back.

I have had a huge kick up the bum, I need to be more affectionate and kind to him, I shouldn't always be down on him. I have pulled it together.

I have had my AD reduced to 20mg and feel so much better, alert and able to do anything.

So why now, why move out, I am just hurt that he has left me to deal with everything on my own.

What now?

Eve34, I'm so sorry to hear that he has walked out on you. He clearly had his faults, but we all do and you wanted to work things out with him. I can't really say anything more useful except that I hope you manage to keep talking and get your relationship back on track.

Eve, I'm so sorry.

He really is behaving very badly - ar at least very unkindly and unfairly, you know.

Please please do not think this is your fault. You have obviously tried very hard indeed, and he has merely looked after his own interests. I am not surprised you have been worn out.

I am pleased that you are feeling more alert...can you get through this horrible time by throing yourself into some activities that are for you? Hurl yourself into excercise, work up some anger and grit - you may well surpris yourself with the increase in your self-esteem - and then a changed view of your DH.

It sounds as if he has been looking for ways to make this all your fault. Saying you don't have feelings, not giving you proper explanations, engineering his decsision to leave while making out it is YOUR fault. Which is dishonest and cowardly of him.

Another example of how men do not view childcare as work. he needs to cut down on fishing and spend more time helping you. If he is untidy he should clear up after himself but it sounds like he thinks that's your job. i think that he needs to change big time.

Me again, spent the day in tears, can't believe this is happenign to me/us.

I didn't hear from him all day yesterday, I sent a couple of chatty text nothing heavy.

He phoned this morning saying he need to collect a few things, which he did and went back out 5 mins later, he said we will go out and do something nice together on Sunday, but he is not sure what time he will be here. Didn't even say good bye to DS.

he has left me his washing!

So I have shopping to do a dog to walk anda 2 year old in tow. and eyes like pin holes.

Never mind have cleaned parts of the house that have not had a sort for sometime and an early night to look forward too.

NO!!! Please, do NOT do his washing! Do not let him treat you like this, he has walked out on you and he leaves you his washing??!! It's time this guy saw a different Eve34, one he can't walk all over!

You sound to be doing fabulously well, all things considering. If I were you I would take this time to concentrate on myself, treat myself kindly. Be happy and smiley, act as though you couldn't care less that he has gone, let him see exactly what he has walked out on. That should knock the wind out of his sails!

I am sorry to hear this Eve. Please don't think his behaviour reflects on anything you have done, you sound like a marvellous mum and partner. Maybe he can't handle you taking charge of your life again?
Please PLEASE don't do his washing!
thinking of you
PS the prospect of life as a lone parent scared me so much it kept me in a lousy relationship longer than I should have been. I have to say, there was nothing to be afraid of at all.

I know, I know I am being taken for granted. I want him to come home and work with me on this, he is off having a good time, out with his mates,lying in, eating out not having to clear anything up.

He isn't going to want to come back home is he. Obviously not missing us as he hasn't been in touch.

The more time goes on the more I think he can have what he wants. I am in a spin.

Sorry to keep coming back I haven't talked ot anyone in RL although he has told his dad, mum, uncles and one of his mates - that I know off.

It is much appreciated and gives me some strength and comfort that I am not going round the bend

Please don't apologise for keep coming back. You will find a lot of support here

You stay strong and don't let him walk all over you. I know you want him to come back but don;t try to win him back by doing his washing or any other chores he may have lined up for you. If he wants his washing done then he can move back home and become a husband and father again!!

Thank you for that PP. Had a lovely day planned with my sister to go to the transport museum. DS hated it! and had a mega tantrum which made me sob.

Guessing his mother has had a go at him after 3 days of silence he has justed phoned to say good night to his son. DS didn't want to come to the phone though.

He said he will see us sometime tomorrow.

And his washing is still in the machine where he left it

Good for you re the washing!! I am proud of you!! Just remember he can only treat you how you allow him to treat you. Tomorrow, you hold your head up high and put a smile on your face, not for his benefit, for yours! You show him that you don't need him, you want him, but you don't need him. My bet is that as soon as he feels redundant, that his tantrums are having no effect, he will try worming his way back in

The important thing at this stage, if you have decided that you do want him back, is to give him the space to move towards you, don't try to force anything as that may make him defensive and push him further away.

Also, the more you focus on yourself, the higher your self esteem will become and you may just decide that you no longer want him in your life anyway. Like I said before, use this time apart as time for you!

I'm pleased you had a good day today, good on you for getting out and about and not wallowing

I have been through so many emotions today I can not believe.

Heard nothing from DP til 10.45 saying he would be with us at 11.30.

DS not at his best at this time of day, hungry and tired.

I was frosty, I just couldn't bring myself to talk. Did polite stuff - think he travelled down from Notts today rather than last night as he had told me.

Tried to Jolly DS along but not easy - found soft play and had something to eat. we had some brief discussions but nothing indepth.

I asked if he was coming back to put DS to bed. DS has missed him.

He told me he loved me and just need time to get his head straight. Some other positive things.

He has gone.

I am so tired, and so scared he won't come home.

I asked him if it was the end to not prolong the suffering I am going through. He said he was in pain too.

We had a lovely couple of hours at home, I just want things to be the way it was before, I just want him to come home so I can try and put this right.

I can't and don't want to be alone.

I hate being this weak. DS is getting it in the neck over silly things as I am tired and emotional. It isn't fair on him he is a joy and I don't understnad why DP doesn't want to be with his son.

Off to bed to cry some more and drift off to sleep at some point tonight.

You are not weak sweetheart, you are hurting. There is no shame in how you are feeling. Sometimes, we need to go through this period of wallowing (for want of a better word), we need to give in to it to allow us to work through it.

You are doing really well so don't be so hard on yourself. It's not all bad is it? H has told you he loves you, he just needs some time. I know you probably feel frustrated because you want him home and he isn't ready to come home but, if you give him the space he needs then he is more likely to come home to you sooner. I know it's hard, I know it's heartbreaking for you but you can't force him to do something he isn't ready to do, all you can do is be patient.

Meanwhile, take good care of yourself. Like I said before, use this time to invest in 'you'.

I hope you are feeling a bit brighter today and that you managed a good night's sleep

Eve - this is so hard fo you, because you can't do uch to influence things atm.

I wonder what would happen if you tell him that things CAN'T be fixed simply by him disappearing and 'getting his head together' because YOU are part of the equation, and the only way this relationship is going to get fixed is for the two of you to talk and work it out together, and for you to be heard by him.

Is he at his Mums?

Could you say 'enough is enough - if you are, as you say, in pain, and you want to sort this out, then come home and we can TALK?'

It seems to me that if he comes back BIG changes wil be needed in the way he treats you, and acts like a grown up grown-up! i.e taking some responsibility.

You see, atm, he isn't even taking responsibility for addressing the relationship crisis. He is simply finding ways to make it sound as if it is your fault, and retreating into doing nothing by running to his Mums and keeping his head down. How does that fix anything?

I would tell him that his washing is still unwashed in the machine because you wash as part of a PARTNERSHIP deal of keping a home and a child going. If he isn't part of the jhome, his washing doesn't get done.

And furthermore, if he doesn't come back and talk about your relationship like a proper grown-up, his washing will be in a bin liner on the doorstep along with all his other stuff.

IF he LETS you kick hi out then he really does not value your relationship, and is proving himself an irresposnsible coward by making YOU do the ending, and so proving that you may be beter off without him in the long run. Anyone who cared would work at sorting it out.

So sorry, uncertainty is cruel.

I have just read your thread.

The thing that jumps up at me is how much you have improved from your first post.

Your DP sounds a typical forces man. Likes everything to be done for him, expects things to be easy.

Have you put his wet washing in a bag by the back door. It should be lovely and smelly by now

Be strong. Work out what you want from you relationship. Write it down if it helps to get it straight in your head. Then tell DP what you would like to happen. As Blu has said if he allows the relationship to break down further then you are better off without him.

Your poor DS. He must be confused. You need to get this situation sorted sooner rather than later.

You are doing so well. Have you tried running? It is a great way of freeing your mind while getting good exercise.