Need some input on my home situation (long)

[usingalias]

I really need someone else's perspective on my life. I work FT and have a 2 yo who is in FT daycare. She goes to bed when I do so the only "me" time I get is my lunch break.

We used to have a pretty even split of the household chores but since DH got promoted 3 years ago he's opted out. His perception is that he pulls his weight but the evidence says otherwise. His job is the cleaning but the house is literally filthy.

He works 4 nights a week. There is no pattern. While I was on Maternity Leave he said he'd set his nights and not work weekends. Once I'd gone back full time I found out he doesn't consider either Friday night or Sunday night to be weekend and he has actually worked at least every other weekend in its entirety. The nights he works he does nothing in the house.

When he is here he is watching the TV or surfing the net. He spends his days off- alone in the house with everyone else at work/ school/ nursery- on what ever pet project has taken his attention (currently looking for a cheaper car) and the evenings watching TV.

I spend my evenings paying bills/ doing household admin (2 bank accounts and too many credit cards) and looking after DD, and my weekends grocery shopping, laundry, cooking etc etc.

I was really looking forward to this BH weekend to try to relax and recharge. As usual he is working. I've had DS's GF here which took up Friday. The ILs called Saturday and sat here all afternoon. Yesterday our neighbours made so much noise they woke DD up from her nap so I didn't get a break from her. Today I've managed to have 1/2 hour while she's napping.

I'm just so tired. He's supposed to finish work at 8am but rarely gets in before 9.30am. There's always some excuse about the traffic. Today is BH Monday so no traffic. He strolls in at 10am. "Got delayed", how convenient. He knows it annoys me but just keeps doing it. I threatened to leave him before DD was born if he didn't start making me and her his priority and he tried for a bit but now he's back to himself and work first. I don't think he's up to anything BTW, it's just a lack of consideration.

AIBU in my expectation, or is he?

I think parenting and running a house is a joint responsibility and that it certainly doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight.

You need to sit him down and work out how to go forward from this, as resenting him this much isn't good for you from a health perspective, your relationship with your DH, or your family dynamic.

ALOT of your post could have been written by me.

When DH is on nights he can`t be bothered to pick up empty wrappers or even put his plates in the dishwasher.

I NEVER get time to myself as I'm always pottering about etc. It's a vicious circle.

You are definately not alone in this

If you are both working FT you need to split the chores 50/50. He's taking the piss a bit. Can you give dd an earlier bedtime too so you get a break in the evenings.

thing is , you used up your ultimatum, you said you would leave, and you didn't

he has nothing ot lose by carrying on behving in this way

sounds like you are both working, but only one of you is actually parenting, running the house and dealing with all the stuff a household generates

got delayed? every day? doing what?

i would be considering my options v carefully

I'm glad it sounds like IANBU, and that others have suffered it too. Sadly I've tried putting DD to bed earlier and just end up trapped upstairs with her all evening. If I could guarantee that after a few nights she'd start going to sleep earlier I'd make the sacrifice but she doesn't seem to need to sleep until 10.30pm. Her bedtime is something else I do alone

2 year old needs to go to bed earlier than 10.30
you should try bringing her bed time forward by 10 - 15 minutes each day so that eventually she is going to bed at a reasonable time

you both must be exhausted

you need a couple of hours in the evenign to do stuff, cook a meal, take a bath, watch telly etc

you also need a cleaner by the soudns of things

My DS is 2 and will stay up all night if I let him. I don't because I really need my time alone. Honestly, the pain will be worth it if you put in the effort to get her in bed early. Personally, you should make that a priority, then tackle your lazy husband.

How much control, realistically, does he get over the nights he works? This climate may not be the best time to start kicking up a fuss over work. You need to pick your battles.
If his job is cleaning, and he is not doing it, can you negotiate a change? You clean and he does something else?

My DH and I split the chores differently. I'm sure we see things differently. For him, tidying consists of moving messy toys from the centre of the floor and stacking them tidily in the corner of the room. When I tidy, I put them back where they belong. DH will put clothes in the washing machine, but then neglect to take them out. I find it helps our sanity if I am explicit with him about what he needs to do, when, and why! I am also very clear with him that if I am putting DS to bed, then DH must make supper, and as he is around in the afternoon, this isn't unreasonable.

Can you afford a cleaner? My DH works evenings so isn't around for putting to bed time, and when I worked full time the only way I could manage was with a cleaner.

Until recently at least he was writing the schedules so in theory should have been able to more or less dictate his nights. If he really can't be home at weekends then I expect him to really make the effort to do stuff when he's here.

I'm not prepared to take over the cleaning because what will happen is that he won't do whatever the swap is, so it'll become just one more of my chores. He can't do the accounts- he has just gone over the limit on the one c card I asked him to be responsible for (his) and of course it isn't his fault . If I ask him to do the laundry he puts it on the line when he is ready- so 2pm- and it doesn't dry. Putting out the bins is his job but he's decided it's DSs and complains because no-one has emptied the bins.

If we could afford a cleaner we'd be able to afford for me to go part time

if you have threatened to leave him once, what is keeping you there?

he sounds v v selfish going on what you have said

there is no point you working full time, and doing all the housework, admin, chilcare

you might as well be on your own

especially as you sound so miserable and he has not changed his behaviour one bit

He did change after we had the big argument. But he has gradually slipped back. I did say to him that I would never have married a man who believed housework was women's work and he said he didn't believe that.

It would be very hard to leave, which is why I haven't. I always thought I owed it to the children to put them first and my own needs/ wants behind theirs, but I've really had enough. As lulu says I'm doing everything anyway.

I'm glad I started this thread though because he's had me thinking it's me being awkward.

You are NBU nor akward, he is being a selfish twat.

I would definitely get your little one into bed much earlier (in bed at 6.30/7 here) as she does need more sleep than that (would be very, very unusual for her not to at that age) and you need your evenings. Lovely as they are, you need time without them. It will take a little while, but it will be worth it. However, you have to decide on a plan and stick to it, don't 'give in' some nights or she wont know where she's at and it will make it much harder!! Personally I'd cut back by 1 hour the first night, then half hourly after that until it gets to a reasonable time. You will just have to be very firm with her.

As for your DH, only you can decide if you are getting enough out of the relationship, but TBH there doesn't seem to be a lot of love or respect there from him. It's not just about getting him to pull his weight around the house is it really, it's about changing his attitude to you... and really, can we ever successfully do this?

thing is, he might not be bothered about doing housework, but he is not doing parenting, cooking, admin/finance either

he is going to work and then pleasing himself

DH is crapola at housework, he cannot see the mess. but he can paint, decorate, he has just stripped, sanded , stained and varnished our newel posts and handraisl, which took 15 hours or so.. he does the gardening, he takes the DCs out approx one afternoon a week to give me a break, does the school run 1- 2 times per week , he does all the driving when we go out as a family etc he also works 70 + hours a week.

so , i am not going to kick his arse much about leaving pants on teh floor !

I would have thought a 2 yr old would be in bed by about 7pm?

Have you got other DCs? You mention your DS's Girlfriend?

At the risk of sounding patronising- don't mean to be- I think you both have to sit down - allocate a time to thim- when you discuss your marriage and your work-life balances. First question- do you HAVE to work F?T? Does he HAVE to work shifts? These are big decisions and if your relaionship is going to end over soemthing like job commitments/ lack of time together, lack of sharing chores, then maybe change the job situation, rather than end a marriage? I know it might be hard- but nothing is impossible.

Yours is not good - and neither is his. If you have only the 2 yr old, then they should be in bed early, leaving you time for yourself in the evenings.

If I were you, Iwould expect an evening a week to myself , to either see friends or go to an xercise class etc, and at least half a day of child-free time every weekend.

Talk to him- make a list of what you want him to do.

Last of all- can you afford £20 a week for a cleaner for 2hrs?

coming in late, hope its not via the betting shop.

Any chance you could work a 4 day week?

TBH I would have left you're pretty much a single parent with the responsibility of an extra adult.

I understand about your two year old not wanting to sleep before 10.30 BUT I really do think maybe that's the absolute first thing you want to tackle. when you have evenings to yourself you will be able to take a breath and consider what you do and don't want.

I know this may not work, but it worked for me; I got DS into a cast iron bedtime routine; bath, milk, story, bed. But he was totally hysterical about being left, so I'd tell him I would stay with him as long as he lay down for sleep and didn't get up or anything; I sat there reading in the nightlight glow, usually. If he mucked about I would go, so it worked.

It was a long road but eventually he was dropping off at a good time. and eventually we went to 'just popping out to get something' to 'I've got to do the washing up but I'll come and check on you' and then you gradually increase the time away.

I really think THIS is your first thing to sort because you need your evenings; and IMHO if a child is in full time nursery and they are only two, sleeping from 10.30pm to early morning is not enough sleep for them, health and development wise.

So it's well worth girding your loins and being a rock about it and sorting it.

then IMO you can look to the rest. And I agree your partner is simply a drain at the moment.

Just one more thing..if you do have a DS who is old enough to have a girlfirend- then he is also old enough to help with some chores- otherwise what kind of partner will he grow up to be?

Thank you all so much for this. It has given me the courage to talk to him seriously about the situation. He says he is looking into days (but I've heard that before).

DS is home from uni for Easter and has made dinner this evening. I do get one evening out for a dance class and the other DS has DD (under sufferance).

Looks like I'm going to have to work on the sleep situation. If I knew I would have some evening I would feel better.

I have done the figures and I can't even drop one day. Trouble is you get a discount for full time nursery so dropping one day doesn't save much compared to the loss of pay.

I'd be too embarrassed to have a cleaner ATM with the state of this house

Cant offer much advice on your DH, just wish you luck with the chat rollocking which is clearly due.

However, as far as DD is concerned, just wonder if she is still having daytime sleep at nursery/sleeping in car on way home. I also have 2yo DD, and know that if she sleeps in day it is virtually impossible to get her to go to sleep in evenings. She is hellish from 6-7 pm w/o sleep in day but is worth it for the blissful peace in evenings after she has given up!

Good luck with both

i've said this before-we were bickering about stupid stuff mainly related to whose job it is to do what-we did a rota-incorporating him doing 4 bath and beds and me doing 3 every week,us doing half the meals in the week each,half the washing up etc etc. The clothes washing I do,he'll hang them,the little bit of ironing that needs doing i do,i do the big clean of the bathroom,he does the kitchen-it took us sitting down with booze and a note pad-we now 'trade' cooking dinner for doing the bath etc. and it seems to be working.
try and sort the babys sleep time out and then you might both be less knackered-he may be being a twat for some reasons of jealousy connected to you being so focussed on baby in the evening-your relationship will suffer if both working and then one fannying around with the kids-we have nights where we send the teenager to bed early just so we can have a conversation without the teenie butting in-good luck-it's fucking knackering and thankless though isn't it?!

I back up with comment about the day time naps your 2 year old is having. Tell nursery not to let them nap, and make sure it happens. My DC1 dropped daytime nap at 15 months, and wouldn't get to sleep until midnight if she had even a short one. Whereas DC3 is now 2 1/2 and still napping an hour each day, and then sleeping 7pm-8am... Nursery have no idea how much sleep a child needs unless the parent communicates it to them.

Some of my friends have successfully written "job descriptions" for homelife for them and their partners. Listing everything they each do, over the course of a normal week, and then looking at it and seeing if it is fair. Part of the allocation needs to on the basis of skill/expertise, but mostly things just need to be fairly split. good luck...!

pmsl @ditany assigning a 'belief system' to it - hes just a lazy cunt.

have only skim read - so sorry for getting details wrong - but do i understand that you do the laundry, childcare and accounts - and he does day to day cleaning?

let him do his laundry - get seperate baskets.

you do yours and kids dishes when you eat seperately - he does his own.

if there is a meal together, whoever cooks, doesn't wash.

he puts bins out

he cleans the bog

he hoovers - becuase you cant do it if he is sleeping all day.

draw up the rota and cellotape to the door.

tbh, accounts and laudry aren't every single day jobs.

accounts can be done once a week at the most, and laundry every other day.

day to day cleaning in its whole ambiguous entirety is a shit load of day to day druging cleaning - and is a bit pants to just lump on someone.

Don't think you should fee embarrassed over the state of the house if you want to have a claener- they have seen it all before. Seriously, £20 is not a lot each week and you could possibly economise on other stuff- don't know what- but I would make a cleaner a priority if I worked full time.

I don't agree with Custardo on how to divide the chores- that seems incredibly petty and not likely to last.

What you need is a grown-up division of labour, not a "I'll do this,for me and DC but I won't do yours" attitude.

I think you should get the basics right- he agrees to come home promptly after a shift, he looks intoworking days not nights as much as poss, he spends more time with you as a family when he is not working, and you both sit down and think careers longer-term, and be honest about the impact your current roles are having on family life.

But the over riding issue is your DD's bedtime- 10-11pm is crazy for a 2 yr old- she must be exhausted and not very nice at nursery I imagine if she is tired- toddlers that age need around 12 hours sleep, and it won't help her development by keeping her up so late.

I suspect she could be "over stimulated"- a full day at nursery must be quite tiring for her, as many toddlers still have an afternoon nap at that age, then lots of contact/attention with you at the end of a day, so it is not surprising she won't settle to sleep. It might not be easy to break the habit, and might take a few weeks, but you have to stickto your guns- bath, story, milky drink, goodnight.

Goodluck!