He said we was 'trying' but still seeing the ow

[whatdoyouallthink]

Ok so I posted ages ago that my dh had an affair while I was pg with dc3. I found out over the xmas/new year period and kicked him out. He then swore he had finished with her. Things have been very amicable recently and he has had no limits on contact with the dc even coming round for dinner several times a week and has spent a lot of time talking to me.

I saw a solicitor and said I wanted to start divorce proceedings. He told me it was all going too quick and that he wanted to try again.

The dc and I went away on hol on our own and he stayed at our house to get some bits done for my return. He text me telling me he loved me and told me on the phone that he was missing me etc.

I came back and everything was fine between us and we was going to go away the weekend as a family.

Sat morning while he was still in bed I heard a text come through...it wasnt my phone it wasnt his phone...put my hand in his pocket and there it was. A secret mobile phone. Full of texts from feb to the friday night and the one she had sent him that morning.

They range from porn star like stuff to how much he loves her and is only coming back for the kids and how we(me and him) will never work while he feels like he does about her. I instantly rang the ow who told me that they didnt stop seeing each other in jan like he swore he did. He didnt get rid of the other phone like he swore he did. She told me that they had still been sleeping together. She also said he wanted to meet her the day our dc3 was born but she said no(apparently she told him it was wrong and he should be with me) She said that on an occaision when we went out(1st night out together after dc3 birth) and she was there he was kissing and cuddling her in another room of the place we was out in front of a dad from our eldests school! They was even outside kissing while I was outside having a cigerette!!

I left the house as soon as I found the phone with the kids and left him in bed. He found out I had the phone and didnt ring me till last night. I cant speak to him I just cant. I cant believe he has continued with all this while lying to me. I have spoken to the ow at length and told her she is welcome to him il even sent him on to her gift wrapped if she wants! We talked about certain dates that he wasnt with me or wasnt with her and he has been lying to both of us.

The day I left after finding the phone he went straight to see her and told her I was lying and she wasnt to talk to me anymore. He has told her so much crap about me. He rang me once yest but has spent the day bonbarding her with texts saying how much he loves her and apparently when she said to him the kids are most important he told her 'no YOU are the most important person in all this'

Not really after advice I guess as im ringing my solicitor to tell her the update 1st thing tommorow. I was told their relationship starting in october turns out was august!

How can I go about arranging contact with the kids though? I seriously cant speak to him on the phone or il end up loosing it with him and dont want to do that as I havent so far in all this. He even had the cheek to call me 'darling' on the phone! I said to him il arrange all contact from now on through his mum and he is to get her to ring me..can I do this?

I just had him on the phone-his stopped calling my mobile now as I wasnt answering when I saw the caller id and caught me on the house phone. He sounds very happy and upbeat and that drove me mad! Why cant he be all miserable and down in the dumps!!Was a very short conversation he asked to speak to the dc but they are already in bed asked if dc3 was ok and then after I asked if that was it has said 'yeah thats it bye'.

Great tips! I do feel a little out of touch with the world around me and cant remember the last time i read a newspaper or even a trashy mag!

I understand the exercise one but due to all the stress of this I have lost a whole lot of weight and weigh under 8st so for me its trying to eat. Havent been able to eat a whole lot as feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I know I will get ill if I dont so im really trying.

I think its the morning with the dc and waking up and knowing im on my own which makes the morning the hardest part. As recently while we have been 'trying' he has popped in every morning. Im also having some very strange dreams about him now!

Thank you again.

strange dream are due to the stress - with stress and depression dreams can be more vivid so dont let that worry you.

Know what you mean about the weight - do try and eat a little and as least you know you can eat what you like at the moment. Take a vitiman to get all the right things.

When you feel up to it book a haircut or a manicure.
Can you have some girls round for a pamper night where you do each others toenails ect.

Music is a good mood lifter too - dance around the kitchen with the children - they will think you are mad but its ok.

You are doing so well with ignoring him - he may sound upbeat but a tiny bit of him will feel uncomfortable not having the level of control he has had.

I am going to get some vitamins today as know if im ill the dc will suffer. All I managed to eat yesterday was a bag of crisps and a cheese toastie! Not exactly a great diet!!

Glad the dreams are just down to the stress! I am at least sleeping quite well which is better then before.

The dc and I turned the music up loud sunday and were dancing round the house! Funny a few people have told me to do that and its great fun and wears the kids out too!!

Well he actually rang AGAIN after I last posted about collecting the last of his stuff off the drive way and in a panic about his expensive weight bench(I want to leave it on drive and he wants to come and get it while im out) that is in the garage. He told me he had been and played golf(may give me away in rl now but most of my friends know whats going on anyway!) and I just said to him 'well you finally have the life you wanted to have now havent you' all he could say was 'well not really no but I have to get on with it dont I' For some reason I think I would feel better if he was miserable and not 'getting on with it'

Still have had no contact with solicitor starting to think they are either complete rubbish or its because im getting legal aid. I would have thought she would have called me back by now.

I know it's not always easy, and perhaps you are already doing this, but is there any way you can either deflect or flat out tell him you are not bothered to hear about the details of his daily life? In all honesty, you don't need to hear it and it will just make you feel bad/annoyed.

He can play golf or sit on the couch all day with his thumb up his arse but none of that is important to you now. And his life is certainly not your priority. I found that to be the most difficult aspect of my breakup to get my head around, but it was very freeing to realize, "Your life is no longer my problem or responsibility.". It is about you and your DC now and that's it.

I imagine there is a small part of him that probably likes knowing that he can still get to you. He is probably enjoying the ripple effect of all of the drama that he has created, and enjoys having that drama revolve around him. The focus will and needs to shift away from him. You have your own life to worry about now.

For what it is worth, I have followed your story with feelings of sadness for you and also admiration. All you have been through, and you sound like a very strong woman. Your kids are very lucky. Best of luck.

yes you really are a strong woman - and it would be best not to know the details of his life, if possible dont comment on it and if he tries to tell you more then try and cut him off.

I would put money on the fact that he will want to know more soon enough when someone new comes on the scence - it is the next chapter in the script!!

I know thats what I need to do and am going to try my hardest from now on to not ask..in fact I dont intend to stay on the phone long enough to ask! I think thats one of the hardest things you know, someone has been part of your life for so long and your so used to knowing all the ins and outs.

The dc and I have had a day out and they have been treated and a bit spoilt today but I think they deserved it. Middle child is acting up a bit not sure if its school holiday boredom or because of all this.

Im sure there is some part of him liking that he can still have an affect on me. He is a very selfish man and very me me me. Its always been about how HE wont change and HE doesnt want to do things or how HE does want to do things.

Where I went wrong when I first found out was after a few weeks of limited contact over a period of time I let him use me to confide in and talk to about his problems. Now he can go tell the ow, seeing as she is only just 19 im sure she will soon get fed up of it all!

Thank you both for saying you think im strong! At times it doesnt really feel like that I can tell you! Yes im sure he will soon start taking an interest in my life and what im doing. He was already interested in my mobile phone activity and asking who I was texting and trying to get a look at my phone(it wasnt anything like that just friends but im sure he thought different!)

Finally spoke to solicitor and I feel like im doing something active now instead of sitting around. She is writing to him again with the new arrangements. I just hope this one doesnt take 4 weeks like the previous letter did!

Ok so I am seeing my H for the 1st time this morning since all this, due to eldest dc sporting commitments.

Im sitting here shaking and my heart is pounding. Im dreading it.

Ok can now add to the list being physically sick at the thought of it all.

I know what you mean, a bit...not been through exactly that but I do remember feeling so ill when I ahd to see my ex after he lied and lied to me about OW.

It's terrible isn't it. I don't have much advice but wanted you to know someone was here xx

So sorry you are going through this and with such small children

I cant imagine ever thinking it ok to put kids through something like this. I really dont know what goes through these mens minds when they skip off into the sunset with another woman.

Everyone else is right, you are being very strong and hopefully, in the not too distant future, you will look back and wonder what you liked about him.

Sending strength and a
and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!

Thank you both. It actually wasnt that bad...Couldnt resist asking questions on his whereabouts, I know smacked wrist for me!

Mil turned up along with bil. Bil is not speaking to h because of it all and mil let slip that she rang my h this morning to 'make sure he was up in time'. That reduced me to tears as he lives with her and had told me he sat in all night with them!! Cant help the lies.

He spoke to me like all was as it used to be, refering to me as 'darling'. Mil is less then impressed with him and told me his a 'mug' . She seems to think he having some kind of mid life crisis although he is only 34 . Cant believe he can still give such bare faced lies and when I told him to just tell the truth he was still very coy about it all and I just dont believe him. I never will, will I?

Now its over and done with till the end of the week when I have to see him again. I know in time the feeling so ill when I have to see him will fade. Im hoping I will be able to eat something today now that Ive got that bit out the way as loosing weight rapidly and I dont have any to loose.

God what an unbelievable lying wanker he is. After everything he is still lying throught his teeth.

This OW will get fed up in time with her "older boyfriend" when she realises a lot of his money is going to his family.

He will waken up and see the error of his ways---by that time it will be way too late.
Once a liar always a liar. He cannot be trusted as you know and he never can be.

You are doing so well. Concentrate on your DC's and spend time with them. It is his loss. He will miss all the important thngs and the less important things as they grow up. The 4 of you will have so much fun that he will misss out on. That is not your faullt.

Could you arrange contact only through texts, then you dont have to speak to the tosser and perhaps arrange access through his mother so you wont have to actually meet up with him at least for a litle while.

Look after yourself--dont let him see what he has done to you. You are so unbelievably strong and you will get stronger every day.

Look to the future with your DC's --it will be good l promise

I just wanted to tell you my story, as it is so similar to yours...
my stbxh dilly dallied between me and ow for 6 months! he still tried after that, but by then I really didt want him anymore. it was so hard, for so long, I cried so much and couldnt bear to see him and yet wanted to at the same time. Each time I saw him he told me he wanted to be a family, but I then found out (each time!) that he was back with ow again.
All I wanted to say was that now, nearly a year on, I have moved away, hardly see stbxh except to handover ds, and am happy with my life. It took me a long time, but I really do not want him, and cope with seeing him when I have to etc etc. He is still with ow, who I know has contact with ds, even though stbxh denies it. I just know that she is now putting up with all his crap - including the bullying and the laziness and arseholeness.
so, I just wanted to say, it DOES get better and easier.

oh, and I also wanted to say - yes, it probably IS a midlife crisis! My stbxh is also 34, and ow is 23, and they recently went to a 19 yr olds birthday party! Some of my friends children have friends that are 19 lol
It has taken a long time, but I find it amusing that a 34 yr old is hanging out with 19yr olds. How sad are they? lol

Doha, thanks for the advice. Ive laid down the contact arrangements already. Told him yesterday when I saw him.

raggedtrousered..Our situations sound quite similar! What I find annoying is that now after all this, I just want him to be honest. All he says is it wont help matters and denies contact with the ow still. He doesnt understand that it cant get any worse. Ok if he is still talking to her (and its more then likely that he is!) there is nothing I can do about, I might not like it but what can I do? Nothing. So I cant see where the harm is in just being honest.

He told me yesterday that no he doesnt love her but yes he does care about her and no he doesnt want to be with her. So when I said was she aware of this its all, well il have to talk to her. Er no just ignore her texts and calls. He changed the password to his online billing account so I asked him to give it to me, after all he isnt speaking to her so should be nothing to hide. He got grumpy about it and said no. I will find out in time I guess when the paper bill comes or if he has changed the address when I see the dd go out the bank! If he is texting her as much as he was the start of the week the bill is going to be huge!

Im having a tough time at the moment as a close family member is terminally ill and he said Im to concentrate on that and he will be there for me in regards to it but it wont help to talk about her or if he is still seeing her. Maybe it wont but I just want to know and think I deserve too and finally have some honesty. He said at this moment I come first(and the dc) and am his main concern. I think I will always have the doubt.

I also find it slightly amusing to think how my h is going to get on going out clubbing with 18/19yr olds! Last time we went clubbing with friends he said he was far to old for it! Also we have a 5yr age gap between us and when we met at 18/23 he found my friends immature so how he thinks he is going to manage now I will never know!

Some of the texts I have read from him(ow sent them on to me-strangely!) all sound slightly desperate. He is more or less begging her to ring him or meet up with him they read 'please please say you will call/meet me' or 'I will know you mean how you feel if you will call/meet me please please say you will' NOT in my opinion normal for a 34 year old man to be sending a 19yr old girl!

You will never an honest answer from him because he probably cant even explain it to himself. Unfortunately you will have to get on with your life and one day he will realise what he he has done.

My h has spent a long time coming to terms with what he has done and still cant explain it all to me or himself. But a friends h who did similar still cant 'admit' he was wrong and is living a dreadful life with bitterness that she did not have him back - and she didnt have him back because he was never honest. Horrid situation but you will be better one way or the other.

Thank you HappyWoman. I know there is unlikely to be a explantion but I cant get my head round telling someone your trying to make a go of it and keeping the ow in the sidelines. He says the right things like there is no explanation and that he himself cant get his head round what he has done but then his actions are very different(like still being in contact with the ow).

I just dont know who he is. Even my mil said she dont know who he is as her son would have never done anything like this. I dont know what is going through his head, I guess Im still waiting for him to wake up and have that oh my god what have I done feeling.

I think Im just missing him at the moment as I feel like despite all my 'she is welcome to him' talk if he was banging my door down right this minute begging to come back I know I would be rushing to open it. God, where has my anger gone?!

It is a rollercoaster so dont worry about how you are feeling.

If he truly wanted to make a go of it he would do EVERYTHING to win you back.

My h did do some to and froing - but once he made his mind up he really do cut contact - but he was lucky in that he was allowed to have a considerable amount of time off work - i am really not sure if he could have done it otherwise.

He too thinks that if he had to face her at work everyday he may not have been able to keep to his course (which of course makes me sometimes doubt that this is what he really wants), but he does try to make some sense of it all and still struggles even now.

I had to reply to this, as our h's obviously read the same book. Mine was telling me all the bad things about ow (she is so thick, so immature) as well as saying the best thing about her was that she didnt expect anything of him (in direct contrast to me and 1 yr old ds!). Then, I broke into his email and found an email to her asking her to come back, as he loved her so much etc etc. Like you, I just wanted him to tell me the thruth so I could move on.
I did wonder whether or not she realised he was saying all this about her to me - it took my counsellor to point out that he was actually most likely saying the same thing to both of us. Thing is, I realise this and she doesnt. She can have him.
I did miss him for quite a while, but really the best thing for me was physically moving house. I am so far away from him now, I barely think of him at all.
It does take time though. I think you need space away from each other, and you need to decide whether you want to fight for him or not - and I KNOW the answer to that will change frequently. In the meantime, weigh up your options properly - get legal advice, find out about benefits, find out about housing etc. Stay strong, get the support of friends and family, and decide what YOU want out of this

oh yeah, and my h also had astronomical mobile bills. That used to make me laugh, as I was paying £30 a month for a contract with x amount of minutes and texts, and he was paying up to £200 a month on his cos he was too fecking lazy to sort out a contract. Fantastic stuff, and a great reminder of how much better off (in every way!) I am without him!

God it is definatly a bad day! Just been on the phone to him crying..why oh why did I do it!! Demanding answers about his life and what is going on with ow. Now his gone from not loving her to part of him loving her. I dont want the answers but cant help but ask. I said to him its because I need to try to move on and I cant till his honest as I think I am probally still holding out some kind of hope that we can work things out. He thinks I am 'mental' for thinking like that.

Things were left that he is going to speak to ow and ring me later. Dont think it helps that I have a lot on my plate with other family issues and he was always the person I would turn to.

He was quite right in what I had said, I have changed the locks and called him names and then want information about his life and cant have it both ways. I cant believe I let it all out to him on the phone.

Where has the strong me gone and where can I find her .

agree totally about getting the legal advice - it is scary but once you know the options you will be in a better place to make an informed decision. Seeking legal advice is not the end - but it will help you gain strenth that you can cope alone and so will only have him back if it is good for you and not because you feel you need him in any way.

its ok - you are allowed to be emotional sometimes - give yourself time to heal. Try not to dwell on what you have said, keep busy and make plans for you.

HappyWoman, thank you so much for all your kind words to me. Im quite new to mumsnet and do worry that people are getting quite sick of seeing the same thread keep popping to the top(although its going to happen again now-oops!)but it does help to get it all out even if no-one replys!

I think my solicitor is rubbish, how long should it take to send a letter?! The last one took four weeks and she is a nightmare to get hold of. I spoke to her the other day and have not even had a phonecall or anything. Not really had any dealings with solicitors other then house buying so its all a bit new and I dont know what to expect from her.

Ive tried to keep busy today and havent heard from him since my pathetic whiny phonecall earlier. Friends have said his hedging his bets, speaking to the ow 1st today before getting back to me with an explanation. Well its nearly 8pm and nearly time for him to call me back...

Well here we are a whole week later since my last post. Communication thawed quite a bit between us and was chatting like normal really. He had still been lying about the ow, saying he not talking to her then changing it saying he sent the odd text . I know its none of my business anymore but if they are together I just want honesty from him now.

We had a nice afternoon together yesterday and talked it over quite a lot. We both commented on what a nice afternoon it had been. Then he flipped again last night and was grumpy and moody with me on the phone. Shouting me down etc. It seems to be a pattern, we get on then he blows up and then he is sorry etc then it all starts again. This time it was over things that the ow had said to me and him wanted to see it all. I dont think this is going to help things and wonder why I feel like IM the one treading on eggshells whenever we talk. I find it hard to understand his mood swings and wonder if its anything to do with alcohol. All he says is he doesnt know what he wants right now and gets the ump that I (in his words) have gone out of my way to find out everything and thats strange and shows what kind of person I am. Wouldnt most people want to know though?

Everything feels like 5 steps forward and 10 back at the moment. He is meant to have dc3 one afternoon a week to build up a relationship and he has already said he isnt going to be able to do it every week.

He hasnt signed the original solicitors letter to confirm the break down of the marriage and am still waiting to hear from solicitor about the new letter with the new details on. I am going to try to put some distance between us now and if he wants to chat about his problems and his day he is going to have to find someone else. I dont need the screaming and shouting from him when something pisses him off as I end up being the one backing down and being upset.

He is being very selfish and self absorbed still. He even said the place that he met the ow(and where she still works) is just a place and nothing to do with anything and wont stop going there.

Thats it really for now, I guess I wait and see what happens from here. No doubt I will have more attitude from him today.

yes, distance yourself physically and emotionally as much as you can

why should you be his sounding board/virtual punch-bag for all his frustrations and bad moods

you have enough to cope with

he is acting like a spoilt child, so treat him like one and do not engage with his moods and manipulations

you are getting a divorce, maybe it can be amicable eventually, but the mistake a lot of women make is in thinking that they should always be the ones to be nice and try to smooth the waters

leave him to it, the sad fuck