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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When he says "I love you" does he mean it? after such short space of time?

62 replies

TheLindtBunny · 12/04/2009 21:33

Been with current partner just over a month. Have known him in passing for a couple of years. He says he wanted to speak to me years ago but never had the confidence.

So in this past month we have seen each other a lot. We have been for a meal twice, cinema once, for a drink once, a walk along the river once, 2 full days out with the kids etc (the kids knew each other before) and he has cooked a meal once.

He has told me he loves me. He seems to mean it. But can he? or is it all lust?

I have had 2 past boyfriends who claimed to love me and I now know they probably didn't even know the meaning of the word so is it possible or should I take it as a throw-away comment?

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 13/04/2009 10:31

How interesting that there seem to quite a few stories of men just having that 'lightbulb moment' and just knowing this is the one, love at first sight, and then living happily ever after but the woman holdng back and needing to be persuaded.

I wonder if women ever really feel the same immediate yes about a man or need lot more time to make up their mind and test him out first and need convincing?

As others have said, I think it is possible to really know deep down if someone means what they are saying.

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 13/04/2009 10:38

I moved in with my now husband the night I met him, and we were married 3 months later. We've been married 11 years now and have 2 kids.

mustrunmore · 13/04/2009 10:47

omg, you soppy lot, this is so cute I'm not one for emotions regarding people I dont know, but all these tales are making me feel very warm

Peachy · 13/04/2009 10:50

He could mean it

Dh said it after a few dates and well...... . I knew absolutely within hours he was the right person for me.

But otoph there arelots of men out there, and women too, who don't get love, use it as a tool, or simply nver really felt it.

base your decisions on the man not on anyone else.

ShowOfHands · 13/04/2009 10:51

FIL was knocked off his motorbike as a teenager and the chap who knocked him down took him back to his house (a street away) to check he was alright and make him a strong cuppa. The chap's dd, my MIL was there, aged 16. FIL fell in love instantly, MIL wasn't too far behind. 30yrs later, 4 children, still immensely happy.

DH told me he loved me within days, I think I held off for about 6 months (physically and emotionally so he wasn't hanging about because of the action) and 10 years, a marriage and a dd later, he still says I love you several times a day.

Just enjoy it and see what happens. You sound happy!

Peachy · 13/04/2009 10:52

(oh our timeline- met Ept at owrk but I was enaged; dated Dec, moved in january (and we were looking for a palce up until then, I was living in ExF's spare room him with his Mum), engaged feb, expecting ds1 march, married following AMrch as I didnt want to walk up the aisle PG- too many people would have thought I'd 'had'to do it

The workplace ran a book n us and gave us 6 weeks as highest bet....... 10 years and four kids later still love him to death

Peachy · 13/04/2009 10:53

Met Dh at work not exp.

muffle · 13/04/2009 11:06

Well me and DP said it to each other before anything happened! It was the start of our relationships when we declared our love after knowing each other as friends for a few months.

I agree though, don't make the saying of this one phrase into a massive deal and hugely significant. How he treats you and how you feel about him matter just as much. And be aware that he may not have any awareness of this big issue about exactly when you say "I love you" - he may just be expressing himself, not trying to take things to any particular stage or significance.

blueshoes · 13/04/2009 11:07

ABetaDad, interesting question.

I can only speak for myself. I am definitely a head over heart person. I do feel the pull of a physical attraction, but will hold back until I am sure of the long haul implications.

A man can declare undying love, and be totally convinced about it. But it is my job to decide whether it is only an idealised image of me he carries with him (one of my ex-bfs was like that) and therefore an illusion liable to be broken, or he is a keeper. Some people can be in love with love. I don't believe in compromising too much to make the pieces fit - love in itself is not a good enough reason if serious cracks start to show.

As a result, I married later in life after quite a few relationships. But like to think I am now with the man of my dreams

Peachy · 13/04/2009 11:21

Abeta yes interesting

I know with DH- that I felt the same but I had more of a what if outlook

Partly as i;d been through a failed relationship and DH hadn't, but also the basics- being single and was a big pull for me as I never had been, dh OTOH had the opposite experience. He trusted himself more than I, as well.

For him, going for it was obvious: for me it was a massive jump of faith that I undertook with secret escape plans in the case of it all going wrong

howtotellmum · 13/04/2009 11:43

Is it the difference between "being in love" and "loving"?

Research has shown that "being in love" lasts 18 months -2 years and then is replaced by real "love" - if you are lucky.

"Being in love" is a heady mixture of lust and attraction, whereas "love" is more cocoa and slippers.

Personally, I think we all find it hard to separate the two, especially at an early stage in a relationship.

ABetaDad · 13/04/2009 11:53

Hecate - I am totally intrigued by your story. That is a huge decision to make in such a small amount of time. How did you do it?

I can I have just been reading out parts of this thread to my DW to get her reaction.

I reminded her that I fell in love with her and knew we would marry from the moment we met.

She said she still does not believe me and that it is actually impossible to have love at first sight.

However FINALLY after 27 years of knowing each other and 20 years of marriage I have just managed to drag the following confession from her:

"I did not really like you at all but you had some sort of effect on me when we met and I stil don't really know when I felt I loved you - you just sort of grew on me".

AAAArgggh - I didn't just jump in with 'I love you' on the first day then!

sparkybint · 13/04/2009 11:55

My fiance told me he loved me after about a month too. It felt right but I made sure I wasn't bowled over and kept my head! A year later and we are more in love than ever. We just let it develop slowly but surely and everything feels right.

Just go slow and don't make any big decisions for a while and enjoy eachother's company. Everyone is different and you have to make sure you get to know them really well and that takes time. But until you have a reason not to trust him (and hopefully you never will), I'd just enjoy it and go with the flow.

ABetaDad · 13/04/2009 11:55

That is:

AAAArgggh - glad I didn't just jump in with 'I love you' on the first day then!

howtotellmum · 13/04/2009 12:02

For "I love you" within 3 seconds/days/weeks of meeting, read "I really fancy you, I want to have sex with you, you seem like a great person..." and 20 years later if you are still together, yes, it IS love. But love changes from the heady feelings of the first few weeks and months as the years go by.

What we feel during the first few weeks of meeeting someone and beeing highly attracted to them, is not love in the sense that it bonds you for 60 years- but it is a precursor to that. Shakespeare a called love a madness- and 400 years later scientists who have done the research show that the body does release chemicals, which, as I said before, last up to 2 years - then a different form of feelings take over- and those are the ones that bind us for another 60 years.

dizietsma · 13/04/2009 12:15

DH said he loved me very early, before we even met in person (he lived in another country at the time).

Still together 8 years later. Take from that what you will

blueshoes · 13/04/2009 12:15

lol, abetadad.

I sort of think the same as your dw. When I first met dh, I thought he was more handsome than I expected. That's about it. I was casually dating other blokes at the time.

I think having sex helped to crystallise my feelings. Showing interest on his part took him beyond a Mr Inbetween.

MuffinBaker · 13/04/2009 12:17

I knew after 2 months that I loved my boyfriend.

Been together for 13 years now and married for 9.

MuffinBaker · 13/04/2009 12:18

ALos, he has known you before so it isn't like you have only known each other 1 month.

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 13/04/2009 14:26

ABetaDad. A big decision? No. It wasn't. It was the easiest decision I have ever made in my life. It has been harder to decide what to have for breakfast! It was just so natural and right that there was never any other choice to make, iyswim.

The whole story is this - I met him, went back to his place (house!) for a bit. . Then he came back to my place (bedsit!) and never left! Just went back to his place every couple of days to get his post and some clothes. I had the keys to a flat I was to move into and he helped me move in a couple of weeks after we'd met. He moved me in and then turned to me and smiled and said "When do I get my key then?" I said "you don't" and he said "Go on" and I did. .

About a month after we'd met, we just talked about getting married in a year maybe if we were still together. Then we said "why wait?"

So we booked the registry office for the first available date. Went shopping for outfits, arranged to have a meal in a pub near the registry office and our friends who owned a pub near our flat said we could use their room for free. We got the catering students at the local college to do a buffet (fab food and dirt cheap - they are always looking for opportunities like that!).

Then we decided to move down south, cos dh wasn't happy up north. So a month after we married, we both gave notice on our jobs and on the flat, stuck a pin in a map and he went down there to find us a flat and look for a job, while I worked my notice and applied for jobs down there. He found us a place and my sister and bil helped us take all our stuff down there. I got a job at the council, he got one at a home for adults with ld.

A year after we moved down there, ds1 was born (he had a birth injury that left him with erbs palsy) and we bought a house. 15 months later, ds2 was born and shortly after that ds1 was diagnosed with autism.

When ds2 was born we set up a business and 2 years after that ds2 was diagnosed with autism! For 4 years the business did fabulously but then I got ill, and the needs of the kids meant time and attention was with them (as it should be!) but we lost the business and everything, (and I mean everything) and came back up here.

Some things are just meant to be, I think. When we met, it seemed like we had known each other all our lives. He didn't feel like a new person in my life, he was so familiar to me. (he isn't from this country, had lived in London when he moved here, then only moved to where I was from a few months before we met, so there's no chance we knew each other before!)

flipping heck, I got a bit carried away there! Bet you wish you'd never asked me a question now, don't you?

hunnybun1981 · 13/04/2009 15:47

my husband said he loved me 2 weeks after he met me, i didnt say it back as i didnt it was too early.

however here we r ten years later.

he could mean it and i dont think it is too early imo.

ChippingIn · 13/04/2009 16:10

Stop analysing it and just enjoy being with him! He sounds lovely. Only time will tell if it's 'proper love' or just 'loving being with you right at this moment in time'. I don't think he's 'just saying it' or saying it to get you into bed, I think he 'feels' it - but as I have already said... only time will tell - so enjoy the time x

mummywilldrive · 13/04/2009 17:49

DH told me he loved me after a month. It took me a little longer to realise how I felt - 6 weeks to be exact. Been together 14 years and married for almost 10.

He sounds lovely. Go for it I hope it works out for you.

newlysinglemummy · 13/04/2009 17:55

I dont think it can be love at such an early stage, but there is a feeling there which could easily grow to love.

I had to boyfriends who both said they loved me very early, ne I stayed with for a year and a half. The other 5years. Both turned out badly and they cheated on me. I think in their own way they both loved me but not how they should or else they would not have cheated.

I am not saying this guy will cheat. He probably has starong feeling for you and you both seem to have a connection so weather it is love or not dont worry as you both seem happy when together...

mustrunmore · 13/04/2009 18:46

You know, there's no hurry to find out is there? Let him feel how he says he feels, you work out how you feel at your own pace. neither of you going to turn into pumpkins if you dont love him back by midnight