Is there something wrong with me?

[NooNameForThis]

I am a reg that has name changed for this.

Please bear with me this could be long.

I have 2 ds's ds1 is 10 and ds2 is 18m. I have been with dp for 3 1/2 years now. He really is everything i could want in a man, caring, considerate, funny, good looking, everything really.

When we first got together i was going through a divorce and he was trying to get a divorce. His ex wife lives in canada, they were wed for a yr and he was going between the 2 countries to work here and then going back for a few weeks before returning to work again. It turned out that while he was here working she was cheating on him and when he came back the last time (july 2005) he phoned her when he landed here and she said for him not to come back as she had been with her partner for 18years on and off and they were moving in together etc.

We met the December 2005, new years eve. And just clicked. Anyway he still has not got the divorce he apparently so badly wants. I know he is not popping round to see her but all the same.....

I did something wrong in the first 2 weeks of our relationship and slept with an ex. I have no excuse or reason I was bang out of order for what I did but i can't change that.

He has just returned to work in January this year after being made redundant last June,and now i am so insecure, fed up, depressed and lonely that we keep arguing. He works bloody long hours and I am so tired at the end of the day that i need a break. When we argue he does manage to turn it round so it is always me who causes it? maybe it is but i am sure i don't cause every row.

I have told him again today that i want him to go and leave me....i don't, i don't know why I keep saying it it is not what i want. I do love him, I want to marry him and have him adopt ds1. I am fed up waiting it seems the divorce is never going to happen....he always says..."when we have the money" . I also seem to goad him when we are rowing as if i want him to hit me, obviously i don't but i can see myself goading him.

Also I want another baby and he keeps saying he is too old. I am in my early 30's and he is in his late 40's. I have told him i think it is unfair that he has said no without even discussing it but he says he won't budge.

I was in an abusive relationship with ds1's father and it fell apart before he was 2 yrs old. I then spent the next 5 yrs raising ds1 on my own and happy as well, if sometimes a bit lonely.

Why am I doing this, I am not an aggressive person nor do i really want to be on my own again.

It sounds like counselling would be a good option for you.

I was in an abusive relationship and dp was cheated on, we went to couple counselling and it helped us both learn how to have a good relationship rather than a destructive relationship now we are going to get married.

You could also use the counselling as an opportunity to talk about another baby like we did, I did get my very much longed for dd2 obviously I can't say the same will happen for you but my dp was very against the idea to start with and counselling did really help. Our issue was the other end of the scale though, dp felt he was too young for another child where as I felt I'd already got dd1 so we should have dd2 before the age gap got really big, my girls now have a gap of 6years which I'm happy with but ideally I'd have had a smaller gap tbh.

what do you argue about?

why is he hanging back with the divorce? Is it an excuse so he can't commit to you?

Have you been living together since you met? sorry, but can't quite see the whole situaiton.

howto, we have been living together since a few months after we met. He is commited to me but just hasn't got a divorce yet. This is one of the things we row about.

we argue about stupid things like who has done the most housework...sounds pathetic i know. I am also worn out with dc's. ds1 never listens talks to me like i am a child and causes me a lot of stress. ds2 is a very good boy but is a total kling on...lol which i don't mind but i am tired and i need a break even if it is just 10 minutes.

We argue cos on his days off we just end up sitting indoors and i am fed up. I hate taking dc out alone as ds2 needs my attention which is not a prob but ds1s behaviour gets me down and then i end up rowing with dp when i get home.

The divorce, i have to be honest he has started the ball rolling but she has not signed papers and won't for various reasons. And i am unfair blaming him for this.

get your 10yo sorted out for a start, he shouldn't be talking to you like a child. He is causing you stress, and you need to put an end to it.

With regards to your DP, it sounds to me like you are getting irritated by him. You haven't mentioned a single thing that he has done wrong, just that you feel he should want to do things or help when he gets home from work.

Remember that you have both been working all day, and he shouldn't have to come home and give you a break. Why don't you try letting him have an hour to himself when he gets home, then he can take over the childcare and give you an hour free. Then you can all have dinner together, a little more chilled out?

do you want to be with this man?

You sound very frustrated with your life and have kind of focused on his divorce as the reason. Be truthful with yourself and ask if it is the lack of divorce that is the source of your unhappiness.

Dsm, I have had probs with ds1 for a few years now and that does cause me great stress.

I am getting irritated by dp because he sits there and looks on when i am dealing with a crying toddler and a tantruming 10 1/2 yr old. And when i ask if he will take ds2 so i can deal with ds1 he says but he won't stay with me.

He comes home from work to dinner cooked shirts done for next day etc and then moans if i have not got all ds2's toys off the floor or if i have left something where it shouldn't be. And on the odd occassion where he has come home and then we have cooked dinner together he moans about it as he has been at work.

Another thing that grates me is the fact that we have one set of keys and will not get more cut as we are moving soon so it would be pointless. So i sit up and wait for him when is working late so we get to bed at the same time but come the morning when ds2 wakes up it is me that has to get up as he needs to sleep in.....I need a sleep in as well.

oh i know this probably sounds so minor and maybe it is an accumalation of things but i feel like walking away and taking ds2 with me....please don't flame me because i never said ds1 but he is so naughty and rude he has worn me out again today.

Connie, i do want to be with him, and no the divorce is not really the cause of my unhappiness.

I am frustrated with my life, i am also very depressed and have been for a while now. I try to tell dp this and he just brushes it off telling me oh your fine. when all i really want is him to hold me or i dunno what i want.

Th divorce does piss me off because he and ds1 want him to adopt him but he hasn't got divorced so can't afaik.

You only have one set of keys?

Go and get another set cut, you need your freedom.

Why is he moaning at you for the house being a mess? Ask him to help you tidy up.

It sounds like you really need to work on some discipline for DS1 as well.

Maybe see someone about your depression as well. try talking to DP when the children are asleep, sit down together for a proper chat, tell him how you feel.

I think that you need to separate your own fed-upness and your DP!

You could begin by discipling your DCs so they don't have so much stress- easier said than done!

Then, maybe you could draw up a list of chores and share them.Maybe you could have a ready meal or take away once a week to give yourself a break?

If you are fed up and depressed, why is this?
do you need to get out and about a bit more, see friends, join a fitness class- I don't know- but it does seem as if you are blaming your DP for your unhappiness which in many cases is nothing to do with him. and the keys! In the grand scheme of the cost of moving house, is £20 for a set of keys really a big deal?

DSM., we won't get the keys cut as we are about to move out of this place and not before time either!!!

My freedom is only restricted by ds1 not the key issue as i would be in before dp anyway. he is a bus driver so works various shifts.

DS1 is disciplined by us both but he just laughs in my face. I have tried everything and i mean everything right down to taking him to a child psychologist.

For instance right now as i type this he has got ds2's toy buggy and is running up and down the living room and when ds2 gets to him he lifts it up high to make him cry.

I have just told him to get me his ps2 as a punishment for breaking my rules which are no nastiness and no running indoors. so he has thrown himself on the floor and refuses to get it.

I think I know what you mean your your ds1 as my dd is nearly 10 and sometimes the way she speaks to me is awful and she does get pulled up on it every single time so why she continues to do it is beyond me, a few things we do are back each other up as much as possible (i'd like to say 100% but its not always the case if i'm honest) send dd to sit on the stairs to think about how she behaves/ talks to me/us, send her to bed early if we keep having to warn her/ tell her off and praise everything she does that is good/ right, I've heard 11 is the new 13 so I blame hormones a lot of the time!

Definitely get keys cut, it's about £2.50 and at least you can get to bed earlier as being tired won't help anyone, it won't help your mood, it won't help you get up with ds2 and it won't help you deal with ds1 it also won't help you get in the mood to take the ds's out by yourself which you need to do because getting out really does help you in the long run, also I heard boys are like dogs in the way that they need to be taken for a walk/ run to let off steam everyday, maybe if you have a garden when you move you could consider a trampoline as that would be a good way for them to burn energy.

Get 1 or 2 boxes for the toys in the living room and make sure the boys tidy them away at dinner time they're old enough to be able to do that, if they need encouragement to do this either help them do it or play a game of who can do it the fastest.

Take the buggy and put it up high if they can't share then neither of them get it.

What time do your ds's go to bed?

Howto DS1 is the problem, ds2 is a dream really. ok he is clingy but i don't mind that when it is he and I things are fine he is not so clingy.

Cooking is something i love to do and i always vowed that when i had children i would cook them fresh food daily and to date have only slipped up 3 times. and ds1 is 10 1.2 now.

I am fed up and depressed because nothing i do for ds1 seems to be good enough and yet i can't do more for him iyswim? It even got so bad that neighbours called the police because he had a major screaming fit and they thought i was hurting him, when in fact all i had done was tell him it was bedtime for the umpteenth time at 11pm.

And as I say the only reason we have not got the keys cut is we did have 2 sets dp lost his and so i got another cut and he lost them as well. and with us moving there is not much point in paying out yet again as far as i can see.

Lovemy ds2 is 18m old and is happy to share his toys but ds1 is just so spiteful. i wish to god you could be here right this second as he has just picked up a fork and thrown it at ds2. ds2 goes to sleep between now and 9 and sleeps until 8. ds1 well i will still be trying to get him to bed in 2 hours when i finally give in and let him have the tv or play his ps2.

I can see why this is getting to you. I think you need to take control and as hard as it is you need to sit down with your ds1 and have a long chat he needs to have a proper bedtime routine, battling with him at 11pm, giving in and letting him play on ps2 is no good, you're his mum and he needs you to set boundaries, he needs you to be clear on what happens until you can do this it won't get better from what I know.

no wonder his behaviour is so bad if he isn't getting a good nights sleep, no wonder you are so knackered and worn out, it's a vicious circle isn't it?

I think you need to look at a way to reward him when he does things right, he's old enough to understand about actions and consequences. You must know things he really wants or enjoys doing so you use those to reward good behaviour.

eg If you go to bed on time (say 8.30pm) you can play on your ps2 for 1 hour at 9am (obviously that will only work in holidays) compared to now where he misbehaves so badly that by 10pm you allow him to play on his ps2 for just so you can have some time to unwind. Can you see what I'm saying?

Theres a book which I havent read but sounds like it would be useful I think it's called how to talk so children listen or something. I think it invloves giving the child 2 choices so for eg give me that fork now and be nice to your brother or go and sit on the stairs while you calm down.

Goodness me.

Put DS2 to bed.
Take the buggy off DS1.
Go into his room and take the playstation.
Send him to bed.

Go and get keys cut, it costs a few pounds. Unless you are moving out in the next 3 days, go and get keys cut.

You are making excuses, and blaming your DS1. But, it sounds like he is craving attention, he is only 10 years old and you are letting him get away with murder.

LoveMy,

I start by saying at 7.30 if you go to bed now you can watch a film...so off he will go i will follow him in about an hour later to turn tv off and thats when it starts. he then follows me out the room, i take him back, he follows me again, i take him back and so on. I then just walk away and shut living room door, this is why ds2 goes to sleep in his travel cot and i carry him to bed when i go. so i wil be in livign room with ds2 and if he home dp and it will then be a battle, i am hungry, can'r sleep feel sick, have earache. headache, stomach ache need drink want a snack etc and when you say no the screaming starts. if i try to put him back in his room he has been known to put his fist up to me.

I have tried reward charts, pasta jars, penny jars, sticker charts, pocket money, taking toys away, naughty step, earlier bedtimes, child psycholigist, ignoring it, spending time with just him, taking an interest in the things he likes. staggering bedtimes through the week.....chore list, not asking him to do anything, telling him, asking him, begging him to stop his naughtiness.

I have sat and spoken to him so many times it is tiresome now as he always says the same.
"I know what I am doing and can stop if i want but i don't want to"

DSM, ds2 has to be in the room with me because otherwise he gets no sleep with ds1 tantruming. I am not making excuses or blaming ds1. It is him who is being rude. I don't let him get away with murder but he pushes and pushes and in the end i do give in because i have an 18m old who is scared when ds1 kicks off.

He has been like this since he was 4 so not a new thing. and back then he had all my attenton as it was jus he and i.

I have taken his ps2 and laptop away they are now sitting in the living room with me and he is in the hallway screaming how he wishes i was dead.

Right. This is what I would do if I were in your shoes.

Sit down with him tomorrow when you are both fresh and say you have had enough of his behaviour it stops now, his bedtime is 8.30 pm and from now on there will be no ps2 and no tv in his room (send your dp up to remove them and put them in the attic until further notice) at all until his behaviour is acceptable for a required length of time say 1 week? Write out a list of rules you both agree to together....

eg he goes to bed on time everynight and you reward him with taking him swimming or to the park (talk to him about the rules and what he would like the rules and rewards to be, make him invloved but obviously bear in mind you are the adult and what you say goes!)

The thing I notice in your post is the bit about "ds2 goes to sleep in his travel cot and i carry him to bed when i go. so i wil be in livign room with ds2" can you see how this would aggrevate the problem with ds1? His brother is allowed to stay downstairs with you, he's jelous he wants to be with you and doesn't have the maturity to explain this. You ds2 needs to be going to bed in his own room/ upstairs too, what I would do is get your ds2 into a routine of going to bed in his room at 7pm so he is asleep before your ds1 then you reward ds1 for being quietwhile ds2 is in bed by reading with him or playing a game with him while then he feels like he's the bigger one getting the priviledge of being up with you while his brother is in bed then it should make his bedtime easier for him to handle.

He has no respect for you.

Send him to his room, tell him to stay there or he will be punished. He will have his playstation taken away for a week or something, and actually do it.

Don't tell him he can watch a film, and then turn off the TV half an hour later though, that would irritate anyone.

And he probably feels very excluded, with you, DP and his brother all in the living room together. Do you think it is possible that he feels like he is not part of that 'family'? Since DP is not his dad, he maybe feels less important as you keep DS2 with you.

He is getting up and making excuses to be in the room with the rest of you.

Cant you put DS2 into a proper cot, either in his own room or in yours rather than a travel cot in the living room?

You are setting no real boundaries for him, and he probably feels very excluded and as any 10 year old would, he is playing up for attention. I feel very for him.

For any violent/ bad behaviour towards his brother he will have to sit on the stairs for 10 mins if he doesnt stay there his bedtime will get shortened by 10 minutes.

The sharing is as I said before if he is taunting his brother with his toys they go up high so no-one has them.

When you have the chat tomorrow after your dp has removed the ps2 and tv get your dp to sit with you and back you up 100%

If this is going to work you need to make today the last day you ever give in, it's the hardest bit of being a parent but once you cave they know you cave and then its hell. It will take a while but if you stick to it ridgidly it will work.

DSM you seem to think I am not setting boundaries for him but i have and do, the problem is he ignores them and does what he wants anyway and whn i try o stop him I am faced with either his hand being raised to me or hom screaming and shouting at me.

DS2 used to go to sleep in his own cot until he started waking to the noise and he was scared he would be physically shaking when i got to him. He is in the living room as I can keep ds1's screaming to a limit in there if that makes sense,

His behaviour has been the same since he was 4 years old so not it is not to do with ds2 or dp and he admits he just finds it funny to wind me up.

DSM, He is not crying out for attention he has been the same since he was 4 and then i was a single parent his behaviour is no different now to it was then except he is not a 4 yr old anymore he is almost 11 and acting like a spoilt brat.

For example we went to an easter egg hunt the other day and all kids were given something he was given a marshmallow bunny as apposed to an egg so he looked at the woman and said well i don't want that give me an egg,

she said well you can give it back,and go without

I toldhim off for being rude but he walked away as if i didn't exist when i told him to apologise. I ended up apologising myself.

Have you asked your Gp to refer you to the Child Guidance clinic or a family therapy unit? Different areas call them different htings.

Have you had your DC1 assessed for ADHD?

Have you talked to ParentlinePlus, or looked at any parenting classes or parent coaches in your area? All are worth a try. Again, your GP might be able to help.

You child is out of control. I know what this is like as my DC1 was terrible for years and it almost split me and my DH up.

I have no idea really of your family circumstances, but is it just possible that he is behaving in this way due to you having a man around who is not his father, but is the father to your second child? That is not a criticism, but children can and do react to new partners in different ways. he is obviously crying out for attention and being naughty is his way to get yours.

I don't agree with TVs in kids rooms- neither of mine every had one-but it might seem to your son as if you are getting him out of the way by sending him to his room to watch TV. Would he respond better if you took him up to bed and read him a story? also, I think 7.30pm is too early for a 105 yr old to be sent up to bed. From his point of view, DC2 is with Mum downstairs, getting attention, whilst he is ent to his room withthe promise of a film ( if I have got this right.) If I were him, I'd feel rejected- so it is no surprise that he comes out wanting your attention.

Can you not establish a different bed time routine where DC2 goes to bed first , and then DC1 is allowed to stay up later and have some quality time with you- so he feels wanted and not excluded? If you can help him feel more grown up and allowed some responsibility instead of shutting him out, it might help.

I don't think you should be even consdiering another child with all this going on.