Is there something wrong with me?

[NooNameForThis]

I am a reg that has name changed for this.

Please bear with me this could be long.

I have 2 ds's ds1 is 10 and ds2 is 18m. I have been with dp for 3 1/2 years now. He really is everything i could want in a man, caring, considerate, funny, good looking, everything really.

When we first got together i was going through a divorce and he was trying to get a divorce. His ex wife lives in canada, they were wed for a yr and he was going between the 2 countries to work here and then going back for a few weeks before returning to work again. It turned out that while he was here working she was cheating on him and when he came back the last time (july 2005) he phoned her when he landed here and she said for him not to come back as she had been with her partner for 18years on and off and they were moving in together etc.

We met the December 2005, new years eve. And just clicked. Anyway he still has not got the divorce he apparently so badly wants. I know he is not popping round to see her but all the same.....

I did something wrong in the first 2 weeks of our relationship and slept with an ex. I have no excuse or reason I was bang out of order for what I did but i can't change that.

He has just returned to work in January this year after being made redundant last June,and now i am so insecure, fed up, depressed and lonely that we keep arguing. He works bloody long hours and I am so tired at the end of the day that i need a break. When we argue he does manage to turn it round so it is always me who causes it? maybe it is but i am sure i don't cause every row.

I have told him again today that i want him to go and leave me....i don't, i don't know why I keep saying it it is not what i want. I do love him, I want to marry him and have him adopt ds1. I am fed up waiting it seems the divorce is never going to happen....he always says..."when we have the money" . I also seem to goad him when we are rowing as if i want him to hit me, obviously i don't but i can see myself goading him.

Also I want another baby and he keeps saying he is too old. I am in my early 30's and he is in his late 40's. I have told him i think it is unfair that he has said no without even discussing it but he says he won't budge.

I was in an abusive relationship with ds1's father and it fell apart before he was 2 yrs old. I then spent the next 5 yrs raising ds1 on my own and happy as well, if sometimes a bit lonely.

Why am I doing this, I am not an aggressive person nor do i really want to be on my own again.

HowTo

we have been to the gp who referred us to the child psychologist. She came up with the conclusion "You have a highly intelligent son who knows exactly what he is doing, and until he is ready to stop there is nothing anyone can do, you just have to ride it out".

he has been assessed for adhd and add and has neither.

He has behaved the same since he was 4 years old so i would have to say no it is not because of dp being here nor because dp is ds2s father as ds1 calls him dad and argues you down if you call his father his dad, he will tell you "NO he is the man that made me but my dad is the man that looks after me and is the one I want to adopt me". Also he does do what dp asks just not me.

reading him a story is not an option as he is well and truely passed the age he would want me to, he was reading to himself at bedtime at the age of 5 1/2 6yrs old. He has the reading age of a secondary age child.

He has been asking for a tv for 4 years and only got one a few weeks ago. 7.30 is the time he is asked to go to bed if he wans to watch a film which takes it to 8.30-9pm depending on the film....for instance the black book is about 1hr 45m long and he watched that. He has NEVER liked going to bed even as a toddler and would cry madly at bedtime. so again this is not a new thing.

I have to get ds1 to bed first as otherwise he will by his own admission wake ds2 up purposely. He does feel wanted as when dp is off we do go out and quite often they go out together, male bonding and all that, which is ds1;s choice, he asks dp to take him out just the 2 of them.

he has never been shut out, being sent to bed is not being shut out.

I still suggest you go back to your GP- the psychologist sounds useless- and that's not the same as child guidance- or try Parentline for advice/help. Or contact a parent coach for 1:1 or parenting workshops- they can really help.

You say your son is too old to be read to- don't agree (I work with kids)- he could read to you....11 is not too old to read to your mum/son, imo.

Although you list all the things you have tried, I wonder how long you stuck it out?

He needs clear boundaries- and clear consequences.

I still think you have to "up" the attention and ignore bad behaviour as much as poss- classic advice.

Howto...since he was 4 years old.

I really do know what you are going through...but at the same time you seem to be ignoring anything anyone suggests. Continuing the same behaviour patterns ( yours and his) will keep bringing you the same outcomes- at least be prepared to TRY some of the suggestions on here.

Howto, i have tried them I am not ignoring anyones suggestions. Just simply saying what I have tried. tbh i am emotionally and physically worn out

sod it i have not bothered changing back to Nooname for this...

but he stepped it up last night with his lack of respect for me............

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

what did he do-? Did he hit you?
How are you?

Howto, I am fine in general no he didn't hit me just showed how little respect he has for me!!

we went out yesterday came back and i was taking ds2 out the car, asked ds1 to take his bag in and brought ds2 in, 9 minutes later asked ds1 to pass me the bag....

he had left it on the fing wheely bin outside and some b obviously has had christmas come early.
in it was my £250 camera, £100 mobile, purse, bank card, and 4 nappies! ok the nappies are special as i love my nappies yes i know i am sad.................

He still hasn't said sorry all he said is
"oh well its gone now no need to tell me off"

i really am so so angry at him. and his apparent lack of remorse for it.
he is not a baby he is almost 11 yrs old.

thats what he has done!

Sorry for you I assume you have reported the theft to the police and your insurance co?

I think you have to be careful here to separate out respect for you and respect for your belongings.

His behaviour isn't right- but there again, I wouldn't trust a 10 yr old with a bag containing valuables like that for a second. Did you know he had left them on the bin when you went into the house?

I think I'd call this irresponsible behaviour on his part, rather than lack of respect for you. It wasn't really his fault and the odds of having bag stolen in 9 minutes seems pretty remote- though I don't know your road!

Howto,
the lack of respect was his comment to me rather than the leaving the bag. And he only had to walk approx 2 ft to the front door.
No I didn't know he had left the babys bag there or i would have picked it up

lol i live in peckham hun anything goes here!!