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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So when do you know its the end....?

29 replies

misy · 11/04/2009 19:15

The end of you as husband and wife...

Question says it all.

(im a regular btw but name changer)

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 11/04/2009 19:34

don't know your circumstances so can't comment as such
for me it was the realisation that i couldn't carry on living a lie and was just so miserable despite having dc
it took me a long time to reach the point of walking away but i did and have never been happier
life is for living imo and i just wasn't doing that married to exh

Original poster

misy · 11/04/2009 19:39

but did you ever have episodes during that time when you thought:

Yeah, but we have some fun times and things aren't always that bad....

ATM,I wonder if life is greener on the otherside iykwim...

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 11/04/2009 19:41

I thought my marriage was over twice in the time I have been married.

DH and I are getting closer all the time and progressing brilliantly.

It isn't always over when you think it is.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 11/04/2009 19:42

what swung it for me was a simple question from a friend
'when was the last time you were happy asbm?'
i couldn't answer
do you just have odd moments of wondering then?

Original poster

misy · 11/04/2009 19:54

Its hard to say as I seem to have periods of being v pissed off with dh and would gladly wak away and then I think well he works, provides for us,is generally a good dad, allows me me time and am I just moaning iykwim..

been with dh for 13 or so years and married coming up 5 yrs, dk's are 4 and 2.
BUT imo he has a problem with drink. He's not a drunk BUT can't stop when he starts and imo can't go for longer than 1-2 weeks without a drink. IMO thats not good.

He works away from home and has done regularly since sept 08 and is away 4/7 nights. Those nights he is away I don't fully know what he does, who he meets,where he goes and just take that what he is saying is truthful.

I personnally don't feel the need for him to socialise in London the night he is away BUT he has excuses etc.

Thing is when he is home he complains we are boring, we don't have sex as often as he wants and feels "is this all we have to offer".

Thing is im a sahm, im not resentful of him being away BUT I do feel that socialising while away is the same as socialising with mates when home etc. Im tired as a sahm and tbh there are times when sexually he doesn't do it for me.. I like to feel loved where he seems to want a hooker iykiwm.

Last night he was so moody and snappy and left the house, only to come back in a better mood and with beer...
He moaned I was on the laptop but ffs what am I suppose to do..? Be like a lap dog when he has been the way he was.?

Tonight he has decided to tell me at 6.30pm that he is off out with the lads. He left at 7pm. He had been watching footie in the pub since 2.45pm, home about 5.45pm and out at 7pm. Oh once the lo's are in bed..just so he is still wonder dad.

Im just pissed off that this is how its been for 13+ yrs. He drops me for the lads. Im not keen on his mates anyway BUT surly as his wife I should take a higher position.?

OP posts:

Original poster

misy · 11/04/2009 19:58

MB,how do you progress to get closer.? With dh its like a brick wall.

Thing is I know there is money issues with his business and he is earning for us all BUT he keeps me out and doesn't want to burden me.

He is also a free spender and won't listen to me if I say for us to curb it. Although I have insulted him. He tells me money is fine BUT imo its not perfect. I know he is stressed BUT the drink (for relief) is killing us both.

Tonight I told him I didn't want him to go out. Its my easter wkd as well as his and I deserve company. He suggested we go out tomorrow BUT I did initially suggest yesterday then today. BUT I took 2nd place.

I don't know how we can change.

I try and talk to him and it ends up with me feeling like im being OTT and he seems to calm me down..only for it to all start again at another date.

OP posts:

Lovemyshoes · 11/04/2009 20:00

Misy, I couldn't answer that if I tried. I have thought 3 times that it has been the end for DH and I and we have worked it out.

Lovemyshoes · 11/04/2009 20:00

Misy, I couldn't answer that if I tried. I have thought 3 times that it has been the end for DH and I and we have worked it out.

howtotellmum · 11/04/2009 20:01

Have you considered going to Relate? It sounds as if you might both like to off load to a stanger, and hear what each of you is unhappy about- he is not happy, clearly, and neither are you. Maybe instead of arguing over how he spends his time, which you resent, you could both focus on what makes you tick as individuals, and as a couple.
It does sound as if he uses his sociallife as a way of saying "I am not happy with you, this , etc etc" rather than talking properly about what he is not happy with.

junglist1 · 11/04/2009 20:06

I think that when you really don't care anymore, and can't even be bothered to argue, that could signal the end.
My advice would be to talk, hang in there to see if your feelings change, as a few people have said sometimes you want it to be over, then you settle again.

Original poster

misy · 11/04/2009 20:07

He won't try relate. I have suggested that before. He feels that we don't need a 3rd party to sort out our issues and we can do it ourselves...problems that we haven't got is usually his reply.

He always says im OTT and even tonight I told him if he went out tonight he would no longer be my dh. His reply..."Oh, you would divore me over a night out". Yes, sounds pathetic BUT its not just about the night out. Its about the other nights out he has when away from home, the ones he arranges last minute with the lads, etc.

I went away for a spa wkd last wkd and although dh is brill about it etc I was made to feel like I owe him iykwim. In fact one of the lads said it to him. "Oh she's away, she owes you then".

With a ratio of nights out 1:50 surly he owes me lol.! Just sounds pathetic BUT part of me wished I had met someone more like my dad in certain ways.

OP posts:

BrokenFlipFlop · 11/04/2009 20:09

I actually understand where you're coming from.

Have you ever had or would you consider counselling at Relate? It sounds as if there are a few genuine issues which you have which maybe he simply is not aware of or at least, isn't aware of how its making you feel.

For example, he has maybe never stopped to think about what life is really like for you when he is working away?

MuffinBaker · 11/04/2009 20:09

I never stopped loving my DH so that helped.

We talked. We know what we have and wanted to keep it.

BrokenFlipFlop · 11/04/2009 20:10

oops x posts re relate

Original poster

misy · 11/04/2009 20:13

thanks junglist .

BFF,last weekend having the full time dk's fri night -sun night (he last did similar 2 yrs ago) was hard work and I came home to flowers and cards from the lo's and how he relalised how hard things are.
YET within an hour of being home and the dk's being in bed im made to feel bad as he was away the following day and had loads of work to sort.!

So: welcome home BUT its impacted on me and work

I had an idea he wanted out and last night he was doing jobs he never normally gives a 2nd thought to...also today kept on about giving me me time... Always been the same. Trying to buy me for a night out

OP posts:

Original poster

misy · 11/04/2009 20:17

MB,see I can't even say the same at this moment in time .

I can't understand why he feels the need to go out minus me....I married him because I loved him and I keep reminding him that pre dk's it was just me & him, we have a lot of history BUT I dunno...I often wonder if he feels the same.

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 11/04/2009 20:18

When he tried to leave for some space I was terrified.

howtotellmum · 11/04/2009 20:19

It does sound as if there are real communicaiton problems in all areas of your marriage- including, not knowing how the business is doing, where he spends his time and soon.

You could go to Relate alone- that would really help and be much better than using MN - which has its place but is not a good substitute foe real help. You would then be able to change your behaviour possibly, in order to make him behave differently.

Try it?

Original poster

misy · 11/04/2009 20:30

thing is howto I don't think he would change.

Not even me saying please change makes him see sense.
I know 150% tomorrow he will be so remorseful and wanting to do everything for me and the dk's BUT part of me thinks he shouldn't have to feel that way. If only he curbed his socialising or even became the bloke who came home at last orders then I would be more reasonable.

I am out of it the next day if I have been out the night before so I don't expect much from dh BUT its guilt that makes him like that. Guilt that he went out, feels bad for leaving me alone again and for arriving home at dawn...

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 11/04/2009 20:30

When he does what he normally does tomorrow, don't play your normal role.

Original poster

misy · 11/04/2009 20:32

so what do I do..? be a loving wife..? welcome him with open arms.? Put a ribbon in my hair ..?

Surely that will make him think "oh great,I can do it again problem free"..?

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 11/04/2009 20:35

God no!

Don't take any crap from him.

Original poster

misy · 11/04/2009 21:33

so if my normal role after he's been out is to be hostile etc why do I do tomorrow..? The same as usual or be nice..?

OP posts:

howtotellmum · 11/04/2009 21:46

the only way he will change is if HE wants to change.

Have you made it clear that his behaviour is unacceptable? If you have, and all you are doing now is saying the same things, and doing nothing differently, then nothing will change.

If you really have had enough , then being prepared to walk away from it all if he doesn'tlisten to what you want is your only option. But you have to call his bluff- and mean it- not another idle threat or more nagging.

Original poster

misy · 11/04/2009 21:51

Thanks howtotell....

You have hit it spot on. I have to mean it.
I so do mean it each and everytime even to the point of telling dh not to come home and locking the door and telling him the next day BUT the following day he follows me and the dk's around like a lost dog and its hard to be hostile etc with the dk's.

Thing is, I don't think he wants to change. Says he does BUT deep down I think he knows he can get his own way time and time again.

Hmm....yet another chat tomorrow planned.

Annoys me, today at 1pm he sat there and said "I don't want to go out and if I did I would have said by now and been ready for the reply but I don't want to"..yet 4 hours later and 5 pints in him and its a different story.

BTW,any views on 5-6 pints in 2.5 hours..? imo its huge...

OP posts:

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