So when do you know its the end....?

[misy]

The end of you as husband and wife...

Question says it all.

(im a regular btw but name changer)

You have to mean it- simple as that- and not give in 24 hrs later. You have established a pattern.

Drink- too much. Hope he doesn't drive on that???

Ther has always been a pattern BUT I find it hard to keep to my guns iykwim...I end up being won around.
Used to be: dh would argue, go out then argue, go out,buy me....

Now he knows gifts get nowhere BUT he makes me feel sorry for him.."im stressed at work, I hate working away,lets not argue on my days off" etc. All to make me feel guilty and they work. He turns it around so im the one at fault.

Yes,I agree the drink is excessive. Sadly dh doesn't .

He went out at 7pm and I know he won't be back till at least 4/5am...sometimes a 6/7am hometime is not unheard of.

He doesn't drive after that amount btw, walked from the pub today.
Things is, when working in London its all to easy to go out after work and come back all hours knowing he doesn't have to drive the next day. I just hope that he's work proud and sets a good impression...I know some of his work mates think nothing of going into work at 11am...

When did I know it was over?

After:
-an affair (me)
-his retaliation with a prostitute
-Relate for four months
-sex therapy for 2 months
-sending my dog back to America to live with friends because I was sure we were splitting (but we lasted another 1.5 years from that)
-fertility investigations (if someone had asked us how often we had sex, that might have helped a bit)
-getting so sick of his 'debating' (arguing for the sake of it) that I just stopped answering or being goaded, no matter how outrageous the statement
-him never being able to put down the laptop/get his eyes off the telly

All that and we were still trying. Then we made the fateful trip to New York. It was supposed to be a long weekend to spend time rekindling our relationship. Before we even got there, he'd planned one geeky networking event already. Then he decided he'd rather play frisbee with some people he'd met at that event than spend time with me. I mean, fucking FRISBEE!

We had a standoff on 34th Street. He just kept acting like a petulant child and saying 'but I want to go'. Fine. I'd finally had enough. I realised at that moment I was always going to come last in his priorities, and something snapped in me. I was tired of fighting for his attention. I doubted we'd ever be able to conceive with his non-existent sex drive and my PCOS. I didn't even want children with him anymore because I knew he'd see it as a hindrance to his life--I'd be stuck doing it on my own.

It does sound ridiculous, but it was the frisbee that put me over the edge. We had overseas visitors coming, so I held off telling him. We separated a month later.

Misy- I really feel for you- but I also simply don't know how or why you put up with this!

Your DH does seem to have a bit of a drink problem from what you say. He must be exceeding the 21 units a week for men by a mile....

Do you think he is drinking to relieve stress or depression?

I would advise you to contact AlAnon as the spouse of someone who has a drink issue. he might not be an alcoholic, but he does seem to be too keen on drink.

I am not you, and my life is not yours, but looking at the situation as a stranger, I would not tolerate my DH going out and coming back the next day after spending the night out on the town. As a one-off, yes- as a regular thing, no way.

What is he doing when he is out? Where does he go? Do you know?

From the outside, it looks as if you are the tolerant wife who always forgives, no matter how far he goes. He buys you off with gifts, then does it all again. He makes you feel sorry for him. IS this mature behaviour? Is it the behaviour of a man who loves and cares about his wife and family? Or is it the behaviour of a man who knows he can live the life of a single man, and a young single man at that, and who knows that his wife will put up with any crap he lands on her plate?

Can you not talk to him? I think you need to decide what you will accept- maybe one ight out a week, or once every two weeks, but he comes home before the small hours.
You might also persuade him to have a well-man health check as his drinking may well be affecting his blood pressure and weight.

It really is time for you to start laying down some clear boundaries as to what YOU expect from him- give him a time limit to get himself sorted, adn if he won't, well you will have to seriously think whether he is right for you.