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Original poster

If a husband is ADAMANT that he does not want kids...

49 replies

niceone1 · 10/04/2009 17:05

...and agrees to have them anyway in order to keep his wife, do you think that it can ever work?

This isn't me, it's friends of mine.

OP posts:
Disenchantegg3 · 10/04/2009 17:08

Yes, he could love that baby more than anything once born,

the same way a father who really wanted his wife to get pregnant finds that once the baby is born he regrets it.

You can't know anything till it happens.

compo · 10/04/2009 17:09

I think they would always feel a slight resentment when things are tricky, like sleep deprivation in the early days, toddler tantrums etc
there is also the temptation to say 'well you deal with it because it was your choice after all'

fuzzywuzzy · 10/04/2009 17:16

I think it depends on his reasons for not wanting children in the first place.

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 10/04/2009 17:18

Sadly, I don't really think it can work in the long term. Have read other threads/heard stories of couples where the resentment tore them apart.

The wife may think she's ok with handling all the parenting stuff on her own, but the reality of it usually is that she'll want him to be an active parent. If he's one of those who says 'you wanted them, you deal with them', their relationship will suffer.

I'd worry about bringing up kids with a man who didn't want them. Wouldn't want to take the chance of thinking 'oh he'll come around'.

DisasterEggs · 10/04/2009 17:29

Alternatively if the woman wants children then doesn't because the man doesn't want them is that likely to tear the relationship apart?

Original poster
niceone1 · 10/04/2009 17:39

His reasons are that he is selfish and would be a bad parent (his words not mine!!), he likes spending his money on himself and his various expensive holidays, travel etc.

However he thinks he will have to have them anyway, or lose his wife.

OP posts:
YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 10/04/2009 17:41

If the desire to become a mother is strong, I can't see a woman burying that and not feeling some resentment. I used to feel like kids were a 'take it or leave it' thing, but as I got older it became more of a 'must-have'.

I just can't imagine it being much fun raising children with a father who didn't want them. I know some men do come around, but I waited for XH to come around for a few years and realised it wasn't going to happen, at least not before I was too old!

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 10/04/2009 17:41

niceone1, how old is this guy, and how long have they been together? How old is the wife?

MuffinBaker · 10/04/2009 17:43

In a similar vien, I decided I was happy living with my boyfriend rather than not have him at all as I wanted to get married and he didn't.

Kidding myself.

MuffinBaker · 10/04/2009 17:43

vein

MarshaBrady · 10/04/2009 17:44

If the woman really wants children, her resentment is likely to mean the marriage will falter.

It may work if they have children as he could change his mind.

The woman may feel, hell I really need to have them, if he still doesn't want them and leaves as a result at least I will have a very well loved child.

If she is young she might just want to leave anyway and find someone else.

Original poster
niceone1 · 10/04/2009 17:46

he is 37 and she is 32

OP posts:
Original poster
niceone1 · 10/04/2009 17:47

have been together 8 years

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 10/04/2009 18:02

Your poor friend, what a difficult position he has put her in.

Well you're right, he will have to have children or risk losing her so it's up to your friend whether it's worth giving it a go with him or not.

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 10/04/2009 18:46

I could see a guy who is 27 saying those things about being selfish and wanting to spend all their money on themselves, then later changing their mind. But at 37, that seems like a pretty firmly entrenched position.

The wife can't force him to want children, as has been said already, she can only decide if she wants to have children with someone who doesn't particularly want them. I personally think it can't end that well, but only the wife knows him well enough to say if she wants to take the chance.

warthog · 10/04/2009 19:46

if he always told her he didn't want kids and she married him anyway, i think it would be wrong for them to have them. she should respect his point of view.

if he didn't and has done a u-turn, then they need to do some serious talking.

but i think it would be a BIG mistake to have kids if one parent doesn't want them. the child deserves better.

MuppetsMuggle · 10/04/2009 19:53

My ex was like this 35, wanted to act 21 with expensive clothes, holidays, cars etc - I left him in the end

Sophie2008 · 10/04/2009 19:54

My husband was adamant he did not want children. But i never really thought he meant it, until we got married. He made it clear he definately did not want children, but i did. I told him he he really didn't want children then there was no point in continuing our marriage.
He did change his mind, only because he felt he had no choice.

The only thing that i would say is that he has thrown it back in my face. We had a huge shouting match one morning at 5am as we were not getting any sleep, where he said he never wanted our daughter. I told him that if he ever said that to me again then we would both be out the door. So far he has not said it again. Your friend needs to think about that, as it will get thrown back at her i can assure you.

I've just spoken to him now and he says that he does not regret having our daughter and glad that i pushed him, although he really does miss time to himself where he can chill out in front of the TV or play games. Our daughter is now 8 months old and it has been a difficult road so far.

I really hope things work out for your friend, and her husband needs to take into account her feelings and what she wants too. There is hope, and if she decides not to have kids becasue of him, she will regret it and she will resent her husband for it.

Original poster
niceone1 · 10/04/2009 20:04

Sophie, that is really interesting.

Our little girl is a couple of moths older than yours and it is so constant and demanding I have really been thinking about their situation, and whether you could do it if you had never wanted.

OP posts:
mrsblanc · 10/04/2009 20:20

it might work but it can be hard enough having kids when you both want them.

I know two couples who did exactly this.

Both wives agreed to do all the hard work associated with the child/children. Husbands agreed to pay the bills.

In both cases after children born the wives reneged on their side and expected the husbands to do more than they agreed.Much more.

One couple is divorced (had one child)

The other couple had THREE kids on this basis. The wife no longer loves her husband .They are together for now but I doubt it will last

Original poster
niceone1 · 11/04/2009 20:45

bump

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 11/04/2009 20:53

I would think they would have talked about whether or not they want children before they got married?

MollieO · 11/04/2009 21:00

Surely this is one of the things you discuss when you are contemplating getting married? Unless of course one of them has changed their mind, in which case it is very sad.

Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 21:07

This discussion should have happened way before marriage!...has someone changed their mind?

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 12/04/2009 00:55

While I agree in theory that children should be discussed before marriage, I think people do change their minds. Particularly women. In the scenario the OP described, the woman was 24 when she got together with the man. At that time, a lot of women are quite career-focused, and the biological urge isn't always there.

I got married at 26, and we did discuss children, with an agreement to wait three years and then revisit the idea. Children were just this vague idea, kinda thought 'I might want to do that someday' but also thought 'if it never happens I'd probably be ok with that'.

As it turns out, motherhood was something that I wanted more and more as I got older. I couldn't have predicted how strongly I would feel about it at the time of my marriage. It was clarified in my mind when I was told I had PCOS and I'd better get started trying in case I needed fertility treatment. I realised that I DID really want children.

I think marriages (and individuals) evolve and change, and it's too simplistic to say 'well they should have talked about it before they got married'.

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